shouldnt i be important too??
@xmichelletarax (370)
United States
December 15, 2011 1:17pm CST
it doesnt seem right to me. my fiance finally stood up for me against his mother the other day when she was harassing me again because i basically told him that if he didnt i was gone.
but then she pulls her pity party crap and he turns right around and apologized to her. said he didnt mean anything he said ect ect. which in itself kinda pissed me off but i got over it as usual.
he told her that he wasnt coming up to baby sit her house while she was gone because it is our anniversary but of coarse now he is going up to stay there for the weekend to watch her house and i get to spend out anniversary alone. he says he is not going up for his mom but to see his friends. also might take his brother and sister out to diner. (im sorry his brother and sister cant even return his phone calls half the time unless there is something in it for them so i dont see the point of wasting his money on them when we are struggling to get by as it is) but it doesnt matter he can do what he wants.
i feel like crap about him going up, it makes me feel as if im not important enough. he can go up any other weekend but he never does unless we have something planned. and his family does nothing but treat me like crap so i wont go around them and he knows it.
but i can still deal with getting blown off all the time. i just suck it up and deal with it.
today though he went to work and he has extreamly flexible hours and his boss is really cool. before he left he promised he would be home by 11:30 at the LATEST. because we have stuff to do. my car is broke down waiting on him to fix it, it has been 3 weeks now, he has had the parts and it still sits here. so anyway i need him to take me into town so i can cash a check to pay our rent and get food. WELL it is now 2:10 and i have heard nothing from him.
its alright to blow me off when its something not important but when our rent is due TODAY and the banks close in an hour and the closest one is a half hour from out house it kinda pisses me off.
i dont know i just feel like when it comes down to it i am never important enough. he would always go hang out with friends. he never stands up for me against his mother yet says im not allowed to. he is always blowing me off. and im just sick of it. i dont know what to do because we have been together a long time and i do love him, this is just getting out of control. it has only been like this for a few months and i keep hoping it will get better but i just dont know.
it probably doesnt help that i am always depressed because of my health issues but im sorry anyone who has to sit around every day because they are almost always sick, anyone who is waiting for answers, constantly waiting for the next symptom to pop up so maybe the doctors can give them an answer, anyone who has been worrying about an upcomming appointment that could change there life forever, who has been waiting 7 months to get into a doctor, to find out if they will ever have kids, if they need a hystorectomy or worse if they have cancer, IS GOING TO BE A BIT DEPRESSED.
but i dont know. any ideas?
1 person likes this
9 responses
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
15 Dec 11
I know it's going to be hard for him stopping things with his mom, but it's something that really needs to be done if it means he'll lose you. I understand how much you love him, but he has to realize that what he does to you is plain stupid. Start speaking up for yourself and if he gets really bad, just have time apart and make him think that you really will break up with him because of the way he's acting.
My boyfriend works all the time and hardly ever has a night off and for a while it seemed like he would use his nights off to be with friends and his excuse was that we spend more time together during the day. I wasn't happy about this because I like doing stuff with him at night too and it's not fair that I'm by myself at night when he works. So I let him know how much it bothered me (we had gotten in a few fights about it before) and when I made a big deal about it he would end up hanging out with me. Sometimes he'd get really mad and say he'd be mad all night because he didn't get to hang out with friends, but after a few minutes he'd be back to his regular self. I think it finally got through to him that he was sort of being a jerk about it.
Guys always say they don't want to fight and get mad at us when we pick fights with them, but they don't listen when you just try to talk to them and be nice about. I can't tell you how many times I'll nicely tell my boyfriend about something he does that bothers me...and he'll still do it!! It's like it sometimes takes an argument for things to get through their head. It sounds bad to say this, but it might take an argument for your fiance to understand that you are going to leave if things keep going like this. It makes you miserable and I'm sure it doesn't help any of the medical symptoms you have.
If you two are getting married, then you should be an important person in his life. Right now, it doesn't seem like he's treating you that way. Don't just hope it will get better, it won't unless you actually do something about it.
Since his family seems to treat you horribly, then it's sad to say he'll have to choose one or the other. If it's you, then maybe his family will finally calm down enough so you can tolerate them if they realize it means their son will stay in their lives.
Your fiance needs to know that you may not always be there with him, especially if he keeps treating you the way he's treating you. Do something now because you don't want to spend the rest of your life this way.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
16 Dec 11
your right sometimes it works better to yell lol.
and he did actually do pretty good standing up for me through an email... with a little push from me but then she sent him one of her "poor me, pity me, none of my kids love me" emails.... and he apologized for what he said, said he didnt mean it and is now at her beck and call to make it up to her.
i wish there was some way to show him that she is just playing him. she is getting what she wants.
that little push from me was me telling him straight up that he needed to stand up for me or get out. that if the crap kept up then he was getting his stuff and leaving. because she sent me yet ANOTHER email harassing me, so i told him i was done with her and refused to go up there, then she emailed him telling him i wasnt allowed up...i was like bigg deal.
but your right i dont want to spend the rest of my life this way, im sick of it
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
16 Dec 11
I think it's going to be hard for him because this is his mom and no matter what, he'll probably always feel something for her. But now you are a major part of his life and he needs to fix the situation, he's the only one who can. If his mom says you're not allowed to come up, then he should put his foot down and tell his mom that if you're not allowed up, then he won't come up either.
But I really do think that contact with her has to be cut off for a while if not permanently. Maybe this would make her realize that she's pushing her son away by acting like this towards you and maybe she'd act better if it meant keeping her son around. This is something your fiance will have to commit to, especially if he wants to make your relationship better. Talk to him about it and see what he thinks about it because you guys can't live the rest of your lives this way.
@cwong77 (2010)
• Malaysia
16 Dec 11
I think it's good for you to sit down and discuss this matter since you felt that way.. it's not very healthy, and most importantly, a relationship will not last too long based on love.. as there are other factors involve..
And just curious, why are you paying for the rent?
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
16 Dec 11
i pay the rent because technically it is my apartment, he moved in with me. and even though he puts in a lot of hours at work he makes like 7 dollars an hour. when driving a truck that gets 4 mpg and always breaks down it doesnt leave any money for anything else.
and i get what you are saying. thank you
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
16 Dec 11
Sometimes people don't understand things that are just said to, especially if you might say them in an argumentative tone, I would suggest writing it down for him. I would also suggest you have ramifications if he doesn't follow or listen and try to respect your position.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
16 Dec 11
i write to him all the time, partly because half the time he is working or out hanging out with his friends. so we never really have time to talk. plus i have noticed it sinks in better when i write it to him. lol
thanks :)
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
15 Dec 11
There is a phase in every relationship where everything seems to go down the drain. Some couples manage to hasten the process, letting the whole relationship suffer, and eventually get ruined, while some manage to get up on top, saving the relationship. It's really your decision whether to let the relationship go, or fight for it. I'm not the type that gives good advice, but I know you know what I just said here is true. It's really up to us if we're going to stay strong, or decide that we're weak for the challenge.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
15 Dec 11
Hi xmichelle, If you are still in your child bearing years so you
must be relatively young. for some reason when reading your post
before I thought you were much older..
I am sure you love your husband very much but 'WHATS LOVE GOT TO DO
WITH IT"...Your health is very much in a destructive mode..All the
talking in the world will not help your situtation unless your make
up in your mind that you are important and you should count to yourself
if no one else...
Love yourself first, you are sticking by your husband and he is truly
treating you like crap by simply not being there for you...What husband
would give his wife a "go ahead" to lash out at his mother but he
dosen't have a voice in the situtation...Its quite sad...I understand
you are sick, but try hard to be your own person...get some independence
and show yourself that you can take care of life issue...GET your car
fix by someone else...C'mon girly girl...learn to DO YOU...DO YOU,,DO YOU..
GOOD LUCK....HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!! HERE'S A HUG FOR YOU!!!!!
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
16 Dec 11
yes i am still young. but you are not the first person to say that. people think i look older as well.
i am trying to be my own person again, i can remember a time when i needed noone, when i had a life, went out, did what i wanted when i wanted, but it seems like all that changed in an instant when my health went down hill.
i can actually place my finger on the exact time that everything changed. i was out at a regatta thing and i was hanging out with some people and all the sudden i started feeling sick to my stomich. next thing i remember was waking up on the ground hooked up to a bunch of wires. i guess i had passed out. i remember the EMTS shouting orders at each other and seeing my mom and her ex boyfriends kids surrounding me crying. i had no idea what was going on. while in the ambulence i remember hearing my mom calling my father telling him that i was being rushed to the ER because they thought i was having a heart attack (i was 16). the doctors werent sure but thought it was a heat stroke.
from that day on things just kept getting worse. i was diagnosed with low blood sugar after having a seizure and falling down the stairs. i would randomly lose my vision for hours on end, i lost over 20 pounds in less then a month for no reason. i started developing cysts, started having panic attacks, i would black out, pass out, lose my balance and fall down, i started losing feeling and movement from my mid abdomen down. then one day i started menstruating , and never stopped. it has been 7 months since that day.
it got to the point that the drs decided i wasnt allowed to be left alone for more then an hour, so my fiance spends nights with me most the time while my mother is working, and when he is working my mother spends the days with me, if there is a conflict in the sceduals i either get dragged to work with one of them or left with one of our few close friends that can deal with me. i had to drop out of school and get my GED because i missed 150 days out of 180. the school refused to help me in any way even with doctors notes and everything else
so it is very hard to be independent. i would love to be my own person again, be able to work and go out. be able to have friends, to hang out with new people without having to worry about something happening to me that would freak them out.
@Almateea (53)
• Romania
15 Dec 11
I am sorry you have to go through this, but my opinion is that he is not the right person for you. He doesn't care for you as he should and I don't see the reason for this relationship to continue. You deserve someone to appreciate you, to make you feel special and loved.
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
15 Dec 11
Hello xmichelle and welcome to myLot. Boy been there and done that. First off you have to be important to yourself. As long as you put up with this treatment he will treat you like that. You have to mean what you say. He has it so you are very dependent on him. He is in control and he knows it. Get someone else to fix your car then get out of there. Don't stick around and become one of the statistics. It's time to care for your self because he really doesn't.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
15 Dec 11
Yes you should be important too. But it seems the "do it or I am gone" is an empty threat. It may be hard, but don't just suck it up. I would (if it were me) make yourself less available. The stress of such treatment isn't good for your health either. I really hope things work out for the better.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
15 Dec 11
Fact is: you are NOT important! Why not? Because you are always there plus you accept everything.
So what you can do is: FIGHT and take your legal place! Show you are there and people have to count with you as well. So tell your partner in time to come home and drive you to town, to fix your car, to stay home since it's your anniversary. Tell him where you like to go (restaurant or whatever).
Go over with him to his mother since you are his partner! They have to know you are there.
If you don't like to do this, if you don't take your place nothing will change and you will stay depressed.
Then the only thing you can do is leave!
You don't need anyone (plus family and friends) to make you feel more miserable. This is something you can feel/do yourself also.
So tell him his time is nearly up. If he is not showing he loves you and is willing to consider your wishes as well it's over.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
16 Dec 11
i have tried to fight, he doesnt listen and it only makes things worse with his mother.
i already told him the other day when his mother emailed me harassing me yet again that i refused to go up there anymore before that i did go up with him every time. and his mother emailed him and told him i was not allowed on her property anymore... fine by me lol.
and everyone knows im here, they think im attached at his hip, that i force him to bring me everywhere when usually its his choice not mine, they think im pushy and try to control him... i dont know why they think that because i couldnt control him if i tried.
i know i dont need help feeling miserable, life itself handles that for me lol.
thanks :)
