Should spouses mother be called Mother inlaw or Mother-in-Grace
By wysecom
@wysecom (346)
South Africa
December 23, 2011 6:14am CST
I happened to have been counselling a couple. My first session was with the wife. She narrated the throes of her inlaws starting the the most prominent of them all; the mother-in-law. At a point I said, 'sister the grace of the Lord is..' she cut me off 'this is my mother inlaw you are talking about'. Nobody has ever stayed with her. She is evil. She has given me so many do's and don't's I do not know what to do anymore. My husband seems to be supprting his mother and sisters. She is the only problem in this marriage....'
My next session was with the husband; he said '..my mother-in-law is the devils first daughter. She doesn't want us to continue as husband and wife.. nothing I have done has ever pleased her. The problem in my marriage is my mother-in-law...'
Then I remember that the law is not perfect. The law was in the Old and grace came in the New.
Should we as christians continue with Mother-inLaw or Mother -in- Grace? I believe the couples would work better with grace than laws.
What's your scoop on this matter!!!
3 responses
@coffeebreak (17798)
• United States
24 Dec 11
Changing that is just a "politically correct" thing that has been going on for years..changing the name of something, doesn't change that something. I mean, come on...from "used cars" to "pre-owned", from "used" or "second hand" clothes to "gently loved" clothes. etc. The law doesn't have anything to do with a geneological relationship. They are still "in-laws" no matter what nice name you call them
I had a problem with my mother-in-law...and my husband did nothing to try to fix it or talk to his mother about the hateful way she treated me and favored one of my kids over the other,and she complained all the time, and was just not a "nice" person to be around and I just got tired of her hurting me and my kids. I talked to my pastor and he said..."God said you have to forgive and pray, but he didn't say you have to keep going back for more"....meaning..forgive her and pray for her, but stay away. Just cause you are a christian, doesn't mean you have to let people hurt you.
1 person likes this
@coffeebreak (17798)
• United States
24 Dec 11
In my case...I didn't marry out of faith. My husband's father was an evangelist/preacher...his brother pastors the biggest church in this area in So. Calif. His mother...my mother-in-law a (supposedly) christian woman, wife of a pastor...was the one that treated me and my kids so badly. I am a good mother in law and my in-law kids will vouch for that...and neither of them are in the christian faith..on is catholic and the other isn't religious at all. We all get along good. ALthough I think the faith does help people be good people, I can't say that if you aren't of a faith, you aren't a good person. I have been treated horribly by as many "christians" as I have non-christians. I don't think the name you are referred to makes or breaks you. It is how to treat others and display yourself to the world. Just saying mother-in-grace isn't going to make that woman a better person or mother to the person her child marries. Frankly, I don't want to be called Mother-in-grace...makes me think of a woman that can't stand up for herself, or make her own decisions...kind of a 'hide in the shadows" kind of person...not speaking until spoken to and that is not me. The "in-law" part only designates that they are not of the same blood. If someone wants to add another definition to that, I guess they can, but in the end...an "in-law" still just designates a "not of same blood" person, but still a family member
@wysecom (346)
• South Africa
25 Dec 11
Coffeebreak, the Bible says, '...the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel...' there are so many wolves in sheep's clothing on the church pews.
If you are a good 'mother-in-law', from which part of the law are you operating - the husband or the wife laws i.e. in that other household, are you the groom or the brides mother?
You have made a little mistake or am I wrong! You wrote '..and neither of them are in the christian faith..one is catholic and ...' but catholics are christians.
Getting along well doesn't mean all is well.
The name you call someone has a way of generating a reuslt in the spirit if the person accepts it. If the church is operating under the unction of grace from God, then this grace should be best applied in all aspects of the christian life. If I keep calling her 'mother-in-law', I should be expecting laws and several intepretations of these laws according to their tradition; grace is universal but law isn't. As for the laws, no one can keep them without faults. If I keep refering to someone as my 'Mother-In-Grace', somewhere along the line it will stick and the person would understand that I am not claiming my personal perfection except in Christ and I am not expecting her to be most perfect except from the standpoint of the 'righteousness of God in Christ'. So calling her a particularly good name has a way of speaking to her heart. It doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself; the christian life is not a fool's life, it is a militant holy life.
If 'the in-law part designates that they are not of the same blood', but they ate of the same plate at the wedding or engagement ceremony; the 'in-grace' part fully designates that they are in the Blood of Jesus relationship, '...speaking better things..' where all faults from either sides are cleansed. Therefore, they are of the same blood and family member because the two, previously separate families, have now been joined together through the marriage relationship, and not to be separated again.
@wysecom (346)
• South Africa
24 Dec 11
coffeebreak, you see what I am seeing, marrying from a non-christian home can be a real cross-border trade with an enemy country.
If christian ladies are taught the mother-in-grace from the church, by the time their children gets married, they should have inculcated and imbibed a lot of changes into the way things are being done.
If we continue the way we are, even christian ladies would grow to become mothers-in-law instead of mothers-in-grace. There is always a payback theory being exhibited by the mother-in-law; that is what happened to me and I am giving him/her a dose of it.
We want to see mothers who would understand the pains and the joys of motherhood when children are grown enough to leave home and become independent; and be allowed to live independently without intrusions and compressions.
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
23 Dec 11
It doesn't matter what you or they call her: "a rose by any other name ..." and all that!
The essential issue is that BOTH the wife and the husband see the MIL's interference as an issue but each sees a slightly different side.
The wife resents her MIL's interference and dictatorial attitude and IN ADDITION she feels that her husband tends to support his mother and the rest of his family.
The husband also resents his mother's interference and feels that his wife is not accepted by her BUT he is clearly still 'mummy's little boy' to a certain extent and, whether he sees it or not, is still somewhat tied to her apron strings.
The couple need to be able to stand on their own feet and respect and value their own relationship without being concerned about how others see it. This is always a difficult thing to deal with, especially where the family of one or other (or both) of the parties is interfering, over-protective or disapproving. Unfortunately, this is all too common.
What do I think would be a Christian approach to this? Well, in the first place, suggesting another name for someone seems silly and completely irrelevant. Christianity has NOTHING to do with fancy names, angels, pink clouds or striving to make everyone happy. It has a great deal to do with one's own personal relationship with God, love for all other humans WITHOUT the aid of rose-tinted spectacles, wholehearted acceptance of God's influence in our lives (whether directly or through other humans) and resolute rejection of that which does not come from God.
Dealing with other people who profess to 'love' us and do things 'for our own good' is always difficult. I'm sure that the MIL in question really feels that she has 'the best interests' of her son at heart. The trouble is that what she REALLY feels is that her son has grown up, flown the nest, loves someone else above her and all of those complicated (really selfish) emotions. She has to be helped - and, if necessary, forced - to let go of her son and allow him to make his own life.
Being a Christian is having a special relationship with God. It is almost the same as being married to God or Christ, in fact: in the case of nuns and monks, that is exactly how it is thought of, and, for 'ordinary' Christians it should not be much less. Jesus himself said: "For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." Lk 12:51-53
Your job as a counsellor, and especially a Christian counsellor, is to show people exactly how hard it is to be a Christian and to give them the confidence and realisation to achieve it, even if it means opposing one's own family, which sounds 'un-Christian' but isn't, especially if the supposed 'love' is selfish and manipulative.
I suggest that you pray about this and ask God to show you exactly how it is and how 'being a Christian' can sometimes mean doing some, apparently, very 'un-Christian' things. A true Christian is a real 'friend of God' (and thinks of Jesus - and therefore of God - as his brother and equal, father and teacher and mentor, not as someone to be worshipped in awe and from afar but actually present in one's life, shovelling the sh*t as a companion and there for you when things seem hopeless.
1 person likes this
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
23 Dec 11
Ah, I see. As you say ... tricky!
I still don't think that changing the name is going to help either of them.
I would advise them to be very careful about communicating with either family and, preferably, to break off contact entirely. This will probably be hurtful to many people involved (not to mention, probably, completely astounding to the social mores and customs). Most might see it as unfriendly, to say the least, and one or other of the couple you are advising (or even both) may well say "Oh, but I couldn't do that!" I'm afraid that, for the sake of your couple's marriage, it could be the only solution. In fact, I would strongly advise the man to begin to look for work in a place which was far from both of their families. At least this might seem a little more 'natural' and inevitable.
@wysecom (346)
• South Africa
24 Dec 11
Sounds good but the main players here are adamant. Do you know how difficult it is for a lady to break off from the mother especially when both of them are seeing the problem from the same inclination?
Looking for work in a neutral place and starting afresh seems ideal but wouldn't they accept visits? What of letters and phone calls?
Breaking off communication; we all need people around us in case something goes wrong and the first line of action should be family members.
