Do you have to choose?

Oh yeah, my mom pulled that too. I had to sit her down and tell her exactly what you said, "These are our children and I appreciate your concern for them, but it is not up to you to correct them or guide them, it is ours. Please, make you suggestions to us, but please do not do it in front of the children, you are undermining our authority when you do. I know you have your way of raising kids, but it is our turn now. I love you, but you need to stop what you're doing." That is what I had to do. Especially after the first time my oldest, my daughter played the game of you can't tell me what to do, which was the truth, they shouldn't have been able to. It hurt my mom's feelings and she cried, but dang it, she should have paid attention to the fact that grandma can hug, kiss and fuss over them, but playing mom, was not acceptable to my daughter, me or my husband. Good luck!

By the way, opening their home doesn't give them the right to control your family. If they have house rules, than those should have been set down in advance, not made up as they go along. It is hard to live with family, having had my son and his son live with me, but I remembered what I went through and worked very hard not to butt into the relationship between my son and his son. One of the house rules I set down before it started was there would be no drinking while living in my house. The sad part was I did have to enforce it and put my son out. However, joint custody in regards to his son existed, and it didn't harm him, but my son learned that mom wasn't going back on her rules, and especially not when he would show up drunk after driving. He had to go live with a friend of his for a while and he learned to appreciate mom. He did come back and beg forgiveness and live with me again, and he did obey the house rules. I'm just glad when he drove drunk he didn't hurt anyone including himself. Like you husband he was unemployed. What finally lead to him leaving my house was when he was sleeping in all the time and not looking for work and had brought his girlfriend in too. I was footing the bill for everyone and he wouldn't even go get food stamps, so out he went again. I couldn't afford to support him and his girl friend on my fixed income. Today, he is sober, married again, and cleaned up his act. But it was tough when he lived with me.

I'm sorry, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is hard and you know how I feel right now! I don't care what anyone says it is a hard situation to be in. I'm sure you know. I think it's going to come down to me having to do that also because I cannot take much more of this! Yeah I have enough going on with my husband out of work, no income, 3 children and the stress of all of it! My parents think they are our childrens parents and that is the biggest argument that arises. My husband gets more angry than I do about it and this is the main issue. How do you say in a nice way these are our children not yours? I don't want to be disrespectful, you know? They have opened their house to us...

Well maybe it seems easy when your not living it but its not easy when your in this situation. If I could get them to talk to each other and not bring me into itI would... I dont know if you know this but life is not that easy, at least not for me... Have a good day.

discussion, takes it all. and why do not peoples behaves like discussion and solving problems. some are so evils minds they make the easiest problem in to a complicated one, somebody tell them join my lot and start their discussion and they will get lots of solution on their problems.

I hope everything works out well for you, and I also hope I never have to go through something like this.

We all live together which makes it more difficult. They love each other but its stressful having 2 families living together...

carmelanirel - sorry; but, you are missing something here - she did NOT leave her parents for him they are still in her parents house. She can sympathize with him; but, as long as they live with her parents she cannot put him and his wishes before their rules. They need to move out as soon as possible and THEN he comes before them.

Sorry, I missed that part..Yeah, unfortunately it is your parents home, though I would try to not take sides, but work on getting your own place. I am sorry you are going through this Loving, I have lived with relatives too and it isn't easy..

I wish I didn't have to choose but I do. =( They love my husband but when they have an argument or anything like that, they both vent to me. I HATE being in the middle of this mess. It is hard "choosing" per say my husband because it is my parents house. I don't know how that will go down with living here... I hate being in this situation. Hopefully in a few months we will be in our own place again!

Jesus said "You cannot serve two masters; for--loving one--you must at some time hate the other." This is why I always feel people are hating me; because 'we' (me, them, or all of us) are not 'serving the same master' (or not serving him in the same way) ... i.e. everyone serves Satan (as he IS the god of this world) by 'working for a living'---in order to serve Our Father G*d, yes ... But sometimes we must forsake Satan when his commands don't gel with G*d's commands. And that's my case. I can't 'work for a living' until a living is worth working-for (i.e. not until I have a wife---with or without children).

Duly noted ! I fully understand , so the best way is amass enough money and find a job asap!! In the meaning time, please be advised , parents is also very important to verybody , we should appreciate for them to bring us to this world , so respect and tolerance is also necessary!!

We did have our own place but some circumstances led us to this position. My husband is out of work due to surgery. He cannot take care of the kids so I cannot even find a job right now... Once we have the money to find our own place again we will be trust me. We don't have a lot of money unfortunately. If we had lots of money all of our problems would just go away!

Yeah, we did have our own place. The company my husband was at shut down, we moved back in with my parents and now my husband is out of work with a cast on his arm. He got cut on a chop saw at work! So, yes it is VERY difficult. My parents love my husband but living together just puts stress on everyone I think. Once we get our taxes back we will be looking but right now its just not possible financially. =( Its tough with our 3 children too because they say things to my kids like they are the parents and that annoys my husband more...

That's awfull and sounds very stressfull I hope your husband finds work somewhere soon ya the fact you have Kids probably makes it way stressfull

I hope your husband is better soon; but, what are YOU doing to help get out of there. If HE cannot work right now; why don't YOU let him take care of the children and get a temporary job to help out? I understand that childcare in very expensive; but, while he is recovering and trying to get a new job he could care for your children and YOU could get a job to bring in some income. It might not be a great job; but, some income is better than none and it is only until he can get work again.

You are absolutely RIGHT! It is their rules and that is it. They don't want to hear anything else and don't care about your thoughts or opinions. It is hard. And, my husband is absolutely coming to me because he feels like he cannot talk to them like civil adults because it will get blown out of proportion. We were getting really close to having our own place again but my husband recently got hurt at work, getting his hand cut on a saw. So, we now have NO income and things are so tough! Were hoping when our taxes come back to find our own place, but we still have a few months for that. =(

My husband cannot change our daughter's diapers or make the kids something to eat or anything. My parents are both disabled and cannot lift the children with their backs so I have no one to take care of the children while I work. I was looking for a job and my husband called and said you have to come home, no one can do anything for the kids, we need you here. If I put them in child care it will cost my whole paycheck so I might as well not even get a job because I will only be making minimum wage... I have worked many times when I needed to help but right now my poor husband cannot do anything to take care of the kids. =( So, unfortunately that is not an option at this point. We are waiting to get his workmans comp pay so we can start living again normally...

Sorry mate, you sounded so upset and a little desperate and as if they are all complaining at you and it's all too much. I thought from your post that there was lots of tension in the air I really hope you can get to be in your own place soon. I'm sure everything will settle down then and everyone will be cool again.

My husband got cut on a saw and had to have surgery on his hand. We had our own place for years but when he got hurt he could not work for a month now. I am looking for a job and my children will have to go to daycare which I am not happy about but have no choice. Trust me this is not my dream come true and we are saving to get our own place again. My parents do not feel the way you do. My mom cried for hours when I told her we are only going to be here for a couple more months. We also pay them and put food in the house from his last paycheck... We most definitely dont sponge off them that is for sure! Like you said you did not know the situation. We will be getting out soon thank goodness.

It sounds like you need to sit them down and tell them both how you feel. Maybe just maybe they can learn to talk things out . I thought they didn't like their son in law. But since they do, This could be sorted out.

They do talk to each other about other things just not when they get upset with the other one. You know? They love my husband but when an argument arises they will both just complain to me about the other one. It is really tough!

Sounds like a good idea to me. You would think even though they are not open minded that they would like to have a peaceful existence in the home. Let them know as soon as possible. Hopefully they will go along with it. The only other thing is you will have to get your husband away from the house, maybe for a ride or something and talk to him then. And hopefully things will be settled by the time you get back home. Good luck.

Thats what I was thinking about doing but they are tough people to do that with. And its their house so if they don't want to for any reason they won't. Thats just the way they are. I love them so much but they are not very open minded people at all. Exactly, I cannot tell him everything like I used to when we had our own place because I don't want to cause more problems! I think I am going to start saying if there is a problem between you guys, please talk to the other person that you have the problem with not me. Hopefully that will work!

Don't give up just yet! Your marriage is young and there are bound to be some problems of adjustment. It takes a lot of understanding to make a union work. As it is, courtship is a form of deception, where we try our best to put forward our good and acceptable traits and actively hide our failings. This is an open secret. He was respectful towards your parents as he wanted you. Once he has you, he may have this idea that he has no obligation to your parents. He is definitely crossing the line asking you to abandon your parents. Lay down the law, lady, tell him, he has no say in your relationship with your parents. However, do it gently but persuasively in the interest of your relationship with him. Crowding him or nagging is not very effective and in fact may cause harm to the whole purpose. Comparison is a big burden and a put-off for us males, for everybody generally. You may have triggered this reaction from him, innocently, when you talk of your parents to him. He may have developed the idea that he does not measure up to your standard of a nice person. The easiest way for him may be to isolate himself and more importantly, you from them. Be careful in this respect and let him know that he is unique to you in his own way and you cherish him. That should go a along way in having a compatible relationship in marriage. Go ahead, smother him with love, perhaps he will get infected enough to start appreciating your parents. Love is, as you might have realized by now, is contagious.

Yes, everyone has their side of the story. If the problem is communicated from the start, and resolved there shall be no further issues in the future. I married on my own choice, my husband was very respectful towards my parents before marriage. After marriage there is a sudden change in his attitude. He does not meet them, or ever talk to them. Its just been 8 months and this is the behavior he is showing me. I am finding it difficult to tolerate because my parents have never bothered him or even so interfered in my married life. All he says, that I should have no connection with them because they do not mean anything to him. I am in a fix, and I can not live like this anymore. I love my parents deeply and I can not bare to see them being disrespected. Do you guys see any solution out of this?

Just try to understand your husband. Much as he don't like living with your parents, he has no choice but to bear it. Maybe you can encourage him to just help in the chores at home to compensate and so it wouldn't be so shameful on his part to be living with your parents .

We did have a home of our own but we lost it. My husband had surgery and is out of work and might need another surgery so he won't be working for a while. So of course we lost everything in the process. =( He is getting workmans comp and when he does we will start saving money for our own place but that could take a few months... No he won't talk with them, so it makes it hard on me. We cannot afford it or we would definitely have our own place! Trust me we would. This is NOT an ideal situation for any of us!

Yeah being in the middle is not easy at all. We cannot move out because we do not have enough money to do so. If we did we would be in our own place. My husband got hurt at work, and has surgery on his hand. He cannot work and he cannot take care of the children with this injury so I have to stay home to help him and take care of them. We do have 3 children. We did have our own house but we had to move in with them because of circumstances. So, we will have to live here for a few months.

that is really rough,I hope things will improve soon,in the meantime try to tell each of the parties that their behaviour is taking a toll on you,and if they care about you(which I am sure they do) to try to get along and discuss their issues amongst themselves.Hopefully they will listen and it will make living together easier.

Well, it would be nice to choose him but it is their house that we are living in which adds in a very hard factor. I agree that is what they think. They all love each other but they don't always agree and when they don't thats when I have to hear it from both sides!

As I said, as long as you are living under your parent's roof the problem will not go away. But since you said they love each other and only disagree sometimes, then they need to respect one another and sort out their differences. In the long run, this issues is not healthy for your child. The sooner you fix it the better it is. Afterall, you are all one family. All the best to you and your family:).

Yeah me too. It doesnt matter who it is they always seem to want my opinion... I hate it sometimes. Right. Its all about people pride it is annoying!

It is a very difficult situation. I appreciate your response a lot. I am going to go back to work so we can leave sooner than we even thought possible and I am glad. We need our own space as a family. Nothing against anyone but this is not working!

Yeah it is not an easy spot to be in. I want them to talk about it amongst themselves also and I wish they would. Maybe I will have to tell them they need to do this instead of involving me...

We did have our own house but my husband is out of work due to surgery so we are staying here until we can get a place of our own again. If we had the money to go now we would trust me. It would make things so much easier on everyone.

I am in a very bad place. I need to try to do that. It is very hard for me sometimes to stand up and put my foot down and say enough is enough. I know I have to get stronger or this will continue. I am a person that people walk all over because I am too afraid of someone getting angry with me. Thank you for your help and I will try! Thanks for the hugs. =)

You are welcomed for the hugs! I think you need some more.. so here you go! I think it will work best to get both together.. mother, father, and husband… and then tell them it is not fair to you to put you in the middle… that you love all of them, but you want to stop being treated like a door mat over this. If they have a problem they take it to each other and leave you out of it. You will have to learn how to be assertive… but believe me, you will be proud of yourself the first time you actually assert yourself to stand up for yourself. It will take practice, but if you don’t stand up for YOU, no one else will.

It is a tough position to be in that is for sure.

really tough, but you can do one thing, make a arrangement one day, a discussion with everyone in presence of everyone.