Her Curse hangs heavy on me... :(
By mr_pearl
@mr_pearl (5018)
India
January 7, 2012 10:04am CST
My Dear Fellows.. This is a confession of how I hurt a good girl once. I did the most terrible and atrocious thing... It was not intended, and yet, I made the worst guy of myself that day...
It was during my college days... I was young and impulsive.. And quite hot headed too.. My friends and I took pleasure in dating different girls and then we used to tell about our dates to each other.. It was kind of a competition and most of us were quite successful. I remember, 'Blind Dating' was quite new and popular thing to do. It was good to brag about to a pal. The internet and chatting were new things here and blind dating was very popular... We used to chat with the girls from our city and would date them.. Blind dating and one night stands were quite common then...
One day, I chatted with Naaz (the name is changed). Then we chatted everyday and she was all over me within a week. I gave her my number, and she would call me all the time.. She fell in love with me, I guess.. We would talk of sweet things everyday. And whenever, it came to meeting one other, she would refuse. The chatting had ceased and we were talking to each other over the phone only. She didn't have a cell phone, and she would call me from a local booth. So I could never call her.. I had to wait for her call..
Her continual denial to meet me made me feel that she was making a fool of me. So I made her meet me... It was an emotional black mail, I guess.. but I made her meet me. She had always said that she looked bad and had had a surgery, which made her ugly. I didn't trust that. I was too impulsive, and I made her meet me..
We met on a fine Sunday. The poor girl brought me a chocolate and home made chicken curry, which she knew was a favorite of mine. All was so good. But her looks... God forgive me.. .I don't want to say bad things. The fact that her upper lip was too curved up due to that surgery and her huge nose and complexion made it all too bad...
I was, unfortunately, too coward... I made excuses and left her. I remember her tears... She kept crying all the time.. And when she left me, she didn't even look at me. I tried to make it as formal as I could, but I guess, she understood.. Shame on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She called me that night and said that I had hurt her immensely... Oh Naaz, I just want you to forgive me.. I was too impulsive dear, I could not help it. I feared (yes, I was a coward) that people would laugh at me... :(...
Will I ever be forgiven?????
5 people like this
17 responses
@marguicha (223764)
• Chile
8 Jan 12
I hope she forgives you. But I doubt that she will forget it and think of it as an incident of no importance. I do wish young men were taught to relate to women. We are fragile and it is easy to hurt us. I learned very young that men who don´t brag about their women are greater men than the sissies who do.
2 people like this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Oh yes, Marguicha, this has been a great lesson to me... I stopped with the blind dating immediately after that... And my mistake reminds me that I should be courteous and patient with others... I have always to tried to be kind and helpful... That incident has made a permanent mark on me... I can never forget that.. .can never forget her...
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
HI... i too am sure that she will never ever forgive... Her curse will hang on me...
I am so sorry for her... Trust me, I stopped the 'blind dating' game immediately after that... I have become the worst sinner ever... I wish I could find her.. Any punishment that she pronounces will be done...
I think, the punishment is that, I should stay alone forever... The infinite solitude is the punishment and I am to take for the whole life... Trust me my friend, if I could amend the matters, I would do anything for it... It was entirely unintentional...
I am sorry!
1 person likes this
@marguicha (223764)
• Chile
9 Jan 12
I don´t believe in curses and punishments nor do I believe in sins. But each time we do wrong, we can learn from that experience to do better next time. I don´t think being dramatic will help : just don´t do that to another person ever. Beauty is skin deep. Probably this taught you not to be so arrogant. We all are, more or less, when we are young.
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
7 Jan 12
I feel so sad about the Naaz. But you're too young then, and yes impulsive. You don't care how you offend someone because you think about yourself. It's not a curse. It's just that now you are matured and knows which things are good or bad, you realized the past mistakes you did. You feel lonely and you think it must be because of what you did to her. You hurt her feelings, but I think it's better that it happened rather than you making her feel that you like her the same way she likes you.
'Though you could have came up with a nice excuse and still be friendly with her on the phone after meeting. Well if you ever see her again, I do hope you could ask her for forgiveness... that might make you feel better.
2 people like this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
Oh EN... I was never more sorry than this... It has been on my mind for years.. The incident took place before 5-6 years.. And it has haunted me all the time, then... I wish to meet her once and say sorry... but there is no way... The phone where she used to call me from, was a public phone and it is not working anymore... And I don't know her address either.. I only know the area.. but the population of the area is 100,000 or more.. Where will I find her???
I am more than sure that it is her curse that hangs on me... :(
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
I will try EN... I know her real name, of course. The name that I have entered in the post in only half of the name.. The full name is different and unique and lengthy too... That should help me find her... Thanks a lot!!!
From today,I'll try to find her...
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
8 Jan 12
Do you happen to get her real name from her? Maybe that will help. You can find her on social sites or at least look for someone who might know her. If you got the time, try to look for her, it's only seeing her and asking for forgiveness that will free you from what you're feeling.
1 person likes this
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
7 Jan 12
You are brave for making such a confession. The fact that you feel bad about it tells me that you're a good person. If you didn't give it a second thought, that would prove you were cold and uncaring. It's too bad though that so often we can't see beyond a person's outer looks. There's no shame in saying that, that's just the way we are. We have been told over and over in this society that good looking people are better, and unfortunately we have a tendancy to believe it. I'm sure you'll be forgiven, and from that day forward perhaps you'll look beyond the exterior, and try to see deeper inside a person.
2 people like this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
Hello... Thanks a lot... I just had to confess, because it had been on my mind for a long time.. It had been haunting me for a long time. I am not sure if I am forgiven... They day when I'll be forgiven, my solitude will end too, I trust...
Thanks a lot...
1 person likes this
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
7 Jan 12
You are not the only one to judge a person by their looks, it is a sad thing and yes it is wrong, but you are not alone. Having said that I too would be ashamed of myself. You had a good thing going but instead of trusting her, you choose to put her in a very uncomfortable postion. I have to say that you are asking the wrong people for forgiveness, the only one who can grant you this, is the girl that you wronged. I would suggest that if you have a way to get back in touch with her, you should, otherwise this is something that could haunt you for a very long time. I hope that in the time that you have grown up, you understand now how wrong it is for you to judge a person by their looks.
2 people like this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
Hi Crivas.. Thanks a lot.. i wish I could find her and say sorry... But you know there is no way of finding her.. It has been more than 5 years... She did not have a cell phone then... She used to call me on a public phone, which is not in order anymore. In fact, there is no phone booth anymore... I don't know her address...
I know her family background... It was an extremely religious family and I am sure they must have got her married long back... If I could find her, trust me, I would; and I would say sorry to her... But even if I do, is she gonna forgive me???
I am the worst sinner of all..
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
Oh Quita... I wish I could get in touch with her somehow, but that ain't possible.. There is no way for me get in touch with her.. I pray to Heavens that she has got a more worthy partner and love of life...
That curse, my dear, is gonna hang on me for all my life... That is why I am so lonely, i trust...
@fransmonlot (411)
• United States
7 Jan 12
Mr pearl it is known when were young we chase the hottest girls. The ones with the beautiful faces and nice bodies. I suspect she was awear of that fact thats why she refuse to meet you. she knew she was unattractive. That sunday you prove her thought to be true. but time heals wounds perhaps now she understands why you reacted the way you did. maybe she has forgiven you.
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
Hi.. Yes, she was aware of it and that is why she had avoided me. But you see, I was so hot headed and immatured.. I thought she was making fool of me... Many girls do so... There was a girl who used to talk to me over phone and send text messages but she never ever met with me... So I just thought, she was like that.. And I made her meet me...
i am not sure, if she has forgiven me.. And the worst is, there is no way of knowing it.. But I was never so much sorry about anything... It was the most unwise action of mine... I regret it deeply.
Thanks a lot friend!!!
1 person likes this
@fransmonlot (411)
• United States
8 Jan 12
Your welcome mr pearl I'm sure you have a deep regret for what you did. For the rest of your life you will never trully know if she has forgiven you. You just have to trust that you are sincere In your regrets and pray that god let her know how sorry you are for hurting her. don't beat yourself up we all make mistakes.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
8 Jan 12
Do you still have a way to contact her? If so , tell her that you are so sorry. If you can't , just learn from this a move on. You were young and as you say a coward. But just by telling us about her and how bad you feel tells me you are a better person now! Now if you meet a nice woman , you will cherish her!
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Hey Sarah... I will surely cherish every nice soul that I meet hereafter... There is no way, unfortunatelty to contact with her... I am dying to meet her and tell her, how sorry i have been for so many years... But there is no way... :(
Her curse hangs on me Sarah.. I hurt her and she, in her resentment, cursed me... I am destined to be alone... :(
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
12 Jan 12
No You will not be alone forever. It will just take time to find the right woman. And why do I know this. Her " curse" has changed you. You are more sensitive to others, the best trait to have to be with a good woman. You are on your way.
@SinfulRose (3527)
• Davao, Philippines
8 Jan 12
She didn't curse you, you dolt. Anyways, what's hung you down is your guilt. I know I shouldn't say this because I know if I were in your shoes I would really NEVER do this but I'll tell you anyways, because MAYBE you would take this advice BECAUSE you are not me. Try to contact her once again. No, not to get back with her if that's what you're thinking. Tell her what you truly feel right now. Tell her of your guilt. We are not the right people for you to tell your suffering and lift it off your shoulders. You're the one who placed that burden on yourself from your experience with her. So the one solution I can think of is for you to lift it with her. She is the one with the ability to take away your guilt with one word. Tell her about it and whatever may be her decisions afterwards, forgiven or not, you have to throw your guilt away or you'll never live on.
If you can't do that...can't you find a way where you can leave a message just like that one you made up there for her to see? Well, it's okay if she's in MyLot and see this...but what if she's in the other site?
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Hi... Thanks a lot for your valuable advice.. I wish there was a way to get in touch with her.. It has been years.. I did not have her phone no then, as she didn't have a cell phone, she used public phone to call me... I did not ever have her mailing adress or e mail address... the area that she had named to be hers, is populated with hundreds of thousands... It is a collossal task to find her now. I have tried it already and got no where... :(
I want to say sorry to her, of course. I have been wanting to say that for years... I behaved the worst that day... it was an atrocious deed and I regret it deeply... :(
1 person likes this
@SinfulRose (3527)
• Davao, Philippines
8 Jan 12
I also worry for the girl. Contrary to what other people say, I think I can feel the hurt/betrayal she felt when she took up all her courage to trust you enough by facing you with her real self. And I think because of that she might never come to trust in people again. The experience can be scarring in both emotional and psychological ways. That's why I advice you to try to contact her and tell her what you really feel. Throw away your pride on this and let your understanding take over. (I won't say "follow your heart" because people tend to misunderstand what I mean.) I hope you can settle this soon, I know I'll be dreaming about this over and over again until I won't sleep anymore if I were in your position...
1 person likes this
@SinfulRose (3527)
• Davao, Philippines
14 Jan 12
'Then move on'...no, that's not how it seems like. If in the future, you two will meet again, don't run away. Try to think first before reacting if that time comes...(actually, one should really think first before reacting always...) Well anyways, for now continue living. Control the guilt and regret but never forget the lessons it brought you. I have a feeling you two will really meet again...I wonder why...
Just in case my feeling's right, here's my advice: if she becomes harder than before, you would have to understand and lengthen your patience with her but ask her to forgive you. If she is still fragile, you need to give her more time but don't stop trying to say you're sorry. If she forgave you, you still need to say sorry...for short, whatever the outcome will be, your action, of asking for forgiveness, is constant--it's a must do. It's how you ask for it that matters most, in my opinion as someone who is of similar gender as the girl. Forgive yourself still because the only thing that will let you live your life as your true self is your hope that you can make things better (again).
[I really want to say, "don't give up and keep looking for her" but I know what's the meaning of "expense" and "finance"...if you get what I mean...]
@Sanitary (3968)
• Singapore
11 Jan 12
That's very bad of u to judge her based on her appearance. Doesn't all her efforts prove her love for u, before both of u met? If u can fall in love with someone u hadn't even seen, how could u fall out of love the moment u met? UNless right from the start, u are only toying with her? Since u are the one who forced her to meet u, what gives u the right to critize her? She had stated on the way she looks and u are the who doubted her, so what gives u the right to hurt her that WAY!
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Oh miss, I know I behaved like an a** that day.. It was totally immature, and atrocious conduct and it shadowed all my good deeds... It has shadowed my life since then... it is the curse, that hangs on me today... I am punished to bear it all alone, for all the time... I am sorry for my conduct... :(
2 people like this
@tamirs (1807)
• Philippines
8 Jan 12
That sure marks on her heart deeper than the cuts of the surgery that she had gone through.
We can't forgive you just because you tell us all these. Forgiving should be from Naaz and i know that he will forgive you if you just tell her you were sorry.You will not know if you are forgiven and will not feel it until it is she who will tell you.Since you had the courage to tell us all these,why not try to tell it her personally or even via phone call.Phone call will do because we all know that she might not have the courage to face you again.
I am pretty sure you can do it pearl.
I am pretty sure you can do it pearl.1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Hi Tamirs... Thanks a lot..
There is no way, however, to contact with her.. There is no phone no, e mail ID or mailing address... I have tried that... If it was possible to contact with her, I would have done it many months ago... I have realized that my conduct was atrocious and far from being a gentleman.. And I can't tell you how I regret it...
The Curse will hang on my life.... :(
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
8 Jan 12
I absolutely feel sorry for that girl. I don't think I need to tell you how horrible it was a thing to do to her. Anyway, you can be forgiven. But to be sure, it has to be her who will forgive you. Only then will your guilt disappear. You have got to see her and say sorry personally. If things go well, you two might become very good friends. 1 person likes this
@kin2cabrera (34)
• Philippines
8 Jan 12
she can move on to that. time heals bro.
but next time, don't do that again. if physical thing is important to you, then make sure that before you chat with somebody to have a date or something, make sure to know first her appearance. so that if you meet and she is lying with her appearance, then it's not your fault.
1 person likes this
@pacman111 (25)
•
8 Jan 12
Well past is past. Its time to move on and in order to do that you need to talk to her personally.
That scenario really hurt her and maybe she is thinking that she has no chance in this world. Try to comfort her as a friend!
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Hi Friend.. .thanks a lot... I wish I could meet her and comfort her... I can not... There is no way to find her... I saw her only once and that was the last time, I have not seen her after that... I don't have her number or address... I don't know how to meet her... That is what eats me in... And it is my punishment, maybe, to bear the guilt in solitude... :(
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Jan 12
What I feel, son...is your forgiveness is in your confession and your admittance that you are aware that this was really a very irresponsible act. Unlearned, as young, we tend to act impulsively, not responsibly...and I think that all of us have skeletons in our closet. To me, the most important is that you have accepted your insensitivity...reflected upon it and realized the error of these erroneous actions! Personally, I do not feel you should contact her, I think it might be like rubbing salt in an old wound! In your heart and spirit, think kind thoughts of her, and remember moving forward to always think of the consequence of your actions. 
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
Hey Mom.. .. Thanks a lot... Do you really think, I should not meet her? I have searching her for years... I just want to say sorry to her... But all my quest has been fruitless... Yes,I feel terribly sorry and ashamed of myself... If I could get a chance, I'd go back in the past and undo my mistake... :(
I am sorry...
.. Thanks a lot... Do you really think, I should not meet her? I have searching her for years... I just want to say sorry to her... But all my quest has been fruitless... Yes,I feel terribly sorry and ashamed of myself... If I could get a chance, I'd go back in the past and undo my mistake... :(
I am sorry...1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
13 Jan 12
Thanks a lot Mom.. Yes, I regret my rashness in dealing with that girl. I should not have done that.. I see your point of view and I think, you are right... Yes, it might give rise to the old feelings again and she might feel terrible...
In any case, I can't get to her Ma, because I do not know how I can trace her... There is no number, address or e mail ID... There is absolutely no clue...
How can I get away from the guilty feeling???? Isn't there anything I can do???
Yes, I regret my rashness in dealing with that girl. I should not have done that.. I see your point of view and I think, you are right... Yes, it might give rise to the old feelings again and she might feel terrible...
In any case, I can't get to her Ma, because I do not know how I can trace her... There is no number, address or e mail ID... There is absolutely no clue...
How can I get away from the guilty feeling???? Isn't there anything I can do???1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
12 Jan 12
I am proud of you for admitting the error of your ways...you have now accepted that it was a totally misguided act..a regretful mistake...but I truly think you should move on! That is my opinion!
As a young, vulnerable girl...I had a young man, that did me "dirt!" I never thought that I would re-cover! That was many, many years ago...BUT I do know that if he contacted me today, admitted the "error of his ways,"....ALL the old pain, anguish, destituteness would WELL up, like a gyser..and overwhelm me, transport me right back to square ONE! I do NOT ever want to see this man, again..I don't want to go there...so what I am relating to is what she might feel! I do NOT hate him...appreciate now, the pain he put me thru, as it made me much stronger...BUT just do not want those feelings again, and I am afraid you might do that to her...after her recovery! Think this over carefully, son...are you doing this...to appease your guilt?
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jan 12
hi mr pearl you are a very sensitive intelligent man and as a youth her looks probably shocked y ou and yoo just did not know
how to handle it.We all of us have been brougtht up to look for beaty in women and its so sad that many fine young woman are spurned only because they are not pretty or beautiful. so you were just indoctrinated as we all have been. I do not think you ever meant tol hurt her at all. now you must forgive the young mant you were., young people all make blunders and errors and often they are their own worst critics.We all need to be more humane and not hold women up to such horribly high standards either. so do forgive yourself now for yourself then.I hope back then you told her you were sorryldo not agonize on it now. who you were then and who you are now are two different p eople.
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
8 Jan 12
Hi Hatley... Thanks a lot... Your post is a little comforting, honestly... Yes, I am quite different from what I was in those days.. I was young, hot headed, very immatured and i used to judge people immediately without proper data at hand...
It was the worst ever blunder in my life. And you know, I have begun to believe that it was that bad treatment and her curse that has brought the immense solitude on me... I am now destined to live and to die alone... It is terrible to think of that, but I have to face it now...
:( I am sorry !!!
1 person likes this
@bingskee (5234)
• Philippines
8 Jan 12
there is no telling if she had forgotten and forgiven unless you make a move knowing her whereabouts. if you are sincere about your guilt, you have to ask forgiveness personally.
i could never condone your act but i could not condemn you either. it is born out of impulse and youth and nonchalance. the good thing is you were able to recognize the fault made and feel guilty about it.
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Jan 12
HI... Thanks for talking to me about it... There is no way to get in touch with Naaz ever.. She was from an orthodox family and I am sure they must have got her married by now... In any case, I didn't even have her address or phone no... There is no way to locate her... I have tried every way that I know... :(
I am sorry that I behaved badly...
1 person likes this
