giving good advice to friends
By trinkabelle
@trinkabelle (432)
January 11, 2012 11:24am CST
I have this neighbor who constantly complains about EVERYTHING, i know her well and tend to ignore most of the things she says because she has an answer for everything, so giving advice to her is tough, today she told me that she was in pain and it's been going on for 3 days, so i suggested she goes to see her doctor, her answer was "no i can't it takes ages to get an appointment" i switched from that doctors for the same reason, the doctors is very busy and it is hard to get an appointment straight away, so she came up with another excuse, "no i cannot change doctors because my regular doctor knows everything about my medical history and all my paper work is with him" so i told her that all her records will be transfered to her new doctor, plus it's closer and she will easily get an appointment if she changed over, but she still carried on complaining, the doctor she has can have you waiting up to a week to get an appointment, my doctor is easy, it's right over the road, where hers is miles from here, you can easily get an appointment at my doctors, then she complained about something else and i tried to advise her about that, but she had an answer for that too, in the end i was so frustrated, i told her to stop whining, get on with it and stop making excuses when people are trying to help, she's never happy unless she is complaining and it can become quite draining, so i told her that if she won't take my advice (good advice) then to stop moaning and get on with it, this is an every day thing with her, no matter what you try to do to help, she comes up with some excuse, do you know anyone like this and what do you do about people who are not easy to please and will not take your advice but continues to complain?
3 people like this
12 responses
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Jan 12
Some people just love to wallow in their own misery and share that misery with others. I find people like that tiresome in the extreme because there is no substance to their world view, and makes then rather one dimensional and very boring. Unless attention is focused entirely on them, negative or positive, they don't feel life is being fair. "Yawn"...more cheese with that whine?
You have done your best sweets and I loved how you handled it. Hopefully she won't 'grace' you with her complaints anymore.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Jan 12
When you're not in the mood for company, hang a sign on your door that says:
"Woman at work, do not disturb. Neighbours especially!" lol You never know, it just might work. And if the doorbell rings while the sign is up, just don't answer it.
@trinkabelle (432)
•
11 Jan 12
LOL, brilliant, it's lucky i do have a spy hole, i can see who is outside, plus my bedroom window is directly apposite my front door, i could easily twitch the curtains and just ignore her, usually i know when someone is going to call because they let me know, but she just shows up willy nilly,
1 person likes this
@trinkabelle (432)
•
11 Jan 12
it's the same old same old Sparks, if it's not one thing, it's another and i have run out of steam right now, however if i told her i has a sniffle, she would have swine flu, it's just how she is, but when she gets going she doesn't stop, she complains about EVERYTHING, our conversations are tiring, i know exactly what she is going to do the minute she knocks on the door, i have been very patient with her, no matter what you suggest, she makes up an excuse, so in mymind, she doesn't want help, she just wants to sit and whine, this i cannot take because itputs me in a negative mode and it ruins my day, plus it's seems she's got a homing device, coz when i am busy making my jewellery, she calls round....i give up...LOL....
1 person likes this
@Maggieb47 (12)
•
12 Jan 12
You hit the nail on the head---she LIKES to complain. She doesn't really want your adivce, good or bad, she doesn't want answers, she WANTS to complain. Some people are just like that. It's really too bad. As for what you can do about it? Nothing. She's unlikely to change, so don't try, it'll only be an exercise in frustration. Me, I don't have the time or the energy for folks like this. Life's too short.
Reading that back, it doesn't sound very Christian. Maybe if you had a calm, gentle conversation with her, explaining that you'd like to be neighborly, you can certainly empathize with her difficulties, but her attitude makes it difficult...she'll either care enough to temper it (around you)---or not. And then it's up to you whether you want to put it with it---or not.
@trinkabelle (432)
•
12 Jan 12
even when she is not complaining, which is very rare, she has an answer for everything, excuses all the time,i often wonder if she is really happy with herself because she seems to get off on moaning all the time, it does my head in, she contradicts me a lot which annoys the heck out of me, i am not going to give her my time any more, she's too much like hard work, if she starts whining the next time i see her, i am going to tell her that i am busy and i will see her when she's happy, i have had enough, i am not a nasty person but at times i just want to tell her to F^%%£&&
@trinkabelle (432)
•
12 Jan 12
yeah i have, i can only deal with her for so long, so i am going to give her a wide berth
@Maggieb47 (12)
•
12 Jan 12
Lol. Sounds like you've made a decision not to waste your time any longer. Good for you. Down with toxic people!!
@GardenGerty (160624)
• United States
11 Jan 12
I have people like this, and I avoid them if I can. It really brings you down. It is true, they will not listen. They like to hear themselves and they are very sad persons.
@trinkabelle (432)
•
11 Jan 12
yes that's true, they like the sound of their own voices, there's only so much i can do for a person, but this one just won't listen, she moans about EVERYTHING, even the smallest thing, trivial things, she always finds fault in things, some people just don't know how to be happy, she seems to be one of them, from now on i will just ignore her and tell her to sort her own problems out
@arjunm (439)
• India
12 Jan 12
It is wrong virtue. people like that who ever suffered from depression,always absorbed in sorrowness & they are become escapist from life. thats why that type of people create their own world & forget everything that associates with practical life. so it is the only medicine to cheer up themselves to get with free attitude & increases their familiarity circle.
@2004cqui (2812)
• United States
12 Jan 12
Yes! My mother-in-law, my sister, the list is endless. My mother-in-law thinks of me as a now-it-all.
@2004cqui (2812)
• United States
13 Jan 12
Both my mother-in-law and my sister take one thing a friend says and think it's the truth. They repeat these words to others like they know it themselves and is absolutely true. I on the other hand never formed this habit because my career has depended on getting the whole story before coming to a conclusion. My mother-in-law has actually gotten mad at me for doing this!
@trinkabelle (432)
•
12 Jan 12
i think most mother in laws think their daughter in laws are like that, but really it's them, not the daughter in law
@timetravel (1425)
• United States
11 Jan 12
I literally don't respond to people like that! When they start in, I either ask them, "What do YOU plan on doing about it?" or say, "This all sounds very interesting, but I don't think you really want my advice and I don't have time to listen right now. Have a nice day.". I never feel obligated to be neighborly to people like that. For one thing, I don't care what others think about me or even say about me. I know who I am as a person and so does my family and my real closest friends and that's all that matters to me.
@trinkabelle (432)
•
11 Jan 12
it's coming to the point where i don't want to open my door to her but i am not that type of person who would do that, but i am close to it right now, only because i know what she is going to do next, every time i see her it's something different and no matter how much advice i try to give her she comes back with a negative or an excuse, i just think she's after attention and that these ailments are not real, she just enjoys complaining and moaning, but i am close to telling her to bog off, i have run out of advice now so if and when she calls again i will tell her that if she's gonna sit and moan, then she's best going home because i can't listen to her any more.
@timetravel (1425)
• United States
11 Jan 12
That's the whole point. You have neither the time nor the desire to listen to her litany of complaints, especially if that's all she wants to do. You may not be the type of person to shut your door to someone, but the choice is yours. Either you can listen, or tell her outright that it's obvious she's not looking for advice and you have nothing else to offer. I find it more effective to throw the ball back in another's court by asking, "What do YOU think you should do? or can do?". That usually shuts them up.
@trinkabelle (432)
•
11 Jan 12
yes so true, it is my choice so i will just ask her what she thinks she should do, i cannot make decisions for her, she has to do that herself, the thing is, now i am complaining about someone who complains, this i don't like so i think if i took a step back and just spent less time with her, she may get the message, she calls me even though she lives in the same block as me, so i could always tell her i am about to go out, or i have visitors, yep, this is what i'll do, it's better then being left drained and frustrated
@BasilFawlty (8)
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14 Feb 12
Some people are just impossible. I work in an all male environment which involves a lot of typical banter etc, it's usually a great atmosphere there apart from when someone asks for advice, the advice given is never what they want to hear.
One person is always coming up to me and asking how he should do this or do that and I'm always glad to help but my way is never the right way, according to him.
Well I'm sorry but if he has to ask for help he obviously doesn't know the right way himself so if he's going to criticise advice he can get on with it and work stuff out for himself because he's just impossible.
I'm afraid life throws this at us from time to time. Someone, somewhere is never going to be happy with the fact that we're being helpful and will simply choose to complain further or be plain rude. Your neighbour seems to fall into the category of those who just want to complain, she starts a conversation which is geared towards complaining and there's no way you're ever going to get a thank you or anything positive from her.
Some people were born to moan, they're only happy when they have something to moan about.
I tend to humour them after a while or nickname them something like Alf Garnett or Victor Meldrew. That usually gets the hint across.
@trinkabelle (432)
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14 Feb 12
well in the end i asked her what she would suggest, she said she didn't know and i said "well i don't either so sort it out yourself coz i've run out of answers, deal with it or shut up, either way i don't want to hear about it, yes she got a bit miffed so i told her right then and there, i am trying to help, you keep making excuses, you constantly complain, what do you want me to say? she had no answer, since then i have not heard from her or seen her, to be honest, i will be glad when i move house, she's a royal pain in the beep beep
@BasilFawlty (8)
•
15 Feb 12
It's best to be blunt with these people. If we carry on as if nothing's wrong they'll end uo getting us down, life's too short.
Good luck with the move, don't forget to have a housewarming, I'll bring some home made :D
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
14 Jan 12
There is no way I could find myself being able to deal or talk to someone like this. I know people who are like this. When it is your issue they want to be in the middle of it giving advice, but when it is theirs it always one excuse after another. It drives me nuts with people like this. I find myself pulling away from them and going and finding more helpful people to talk too. Hopefully if it is something serious with them with their Health they will wake up and do something before it kills them. And like you said, there are other doctors.
@trinkabelle (432)
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14 Feb 12
well no matter what i say to her it's always a negative or an excuse, so in the end i told her to deal with it her way and not ask me again, i got tired of talking to her, not seen her since
@GardenGerty (160624)
• United States
11 Jan 12
I have people like this, and I avoid them if I can. It really brings you down. It is true, they will not listen. They like to hear themselves and they are very sad persons.
@trinkabelle (432)
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14 Feb 12
it's been a while since i wrote this thread and i haven't bothered with her, i gave up trying to help when she started on again about something else, i just told her to deal with it
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
11 Jan 12
Some people are not 'happy' unless they have something to complain about! She is not asking for advice, but just wants someone, anyone, who will listen to her complaints. I'm sure that if it's not her pains, it is something else. I don't even make time for people like that, because no matter what you say or do, it's not gonna be the right thing as far as they are concerned. So, greet her with a smile when it calls for it, wave hello, and go on about your business. When she starts her complaining or excuses for something, excuse yourself, you have to run errands or make a phone call, or whatever. There is nothing that says you Have to listen, or Have to give advice to someone who clearly doesn't want it. You are right, those type of people can be draining, but you can make that choice, to listen or not! Good luck!
@timetravel (1425)
• United States
11 Jan 12
so true - the choice is ours to listen or not. I choose to not with people like that. It's like ignoring a whining child. Eventually the whining stops when the child doesn't receive attention.
1 person likes this
@trinkabelle (432)
•
11 Jan 12
your right palonghorn, it doesn't matter what i suggest, she's the same about everything, don't get me wrong, she actually is a nice person, maybe she's bored because she lives alone and needs to talk about stuff, but i live alone and i don't whine on like she does, it's like i am hitting the wall each time she starts with her drama, there's only so much i can listen to and i don't like being rude to people, so maybe your advice to me will work, try and side track her byu telling her that i have things to get done, maybe this will work, or i could be brutally honest with her and tell her how it is, but she is a sensitive soul and i don't want to upset her with my bluntness, but then again, it might work and she may come to realize how draining she really is, she could even turn over a new leaf, thank you for your advice, i will try it
1 person likes this
@yanzalong (18988)
• Indonesia
12 Jan 12
I once met this kind of a person who complained a lot and rattled on so it seemed that he did not give me a chance to comment on what he was trying to explain. The best technique to shut him up was asking him a question that was not related to what he was complaining about. Once he answered your question, quickly gave him another. The next day I met her it was always me who started asking him questions. I did not give him a chance to start. If I'd given a little chance, he would have rattled on.
Back to your story, I suggest you act on my advice. Next time you meet her, it should be you start the conversation. Make sure you will ask questions not related to her routine complaint.
@trinkabelle (432)
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12 Jan 12
very good advice yanzolang, i will do this the next time i see her, she does have a habit of cutting me off when i am talking, and that is something that really gets my back up, i find it insulting and rude, i did have a pop at her for doing this many times, i would tell her something and she would cut in and talk about herself, so the next time i see her i am going to do what you said so i can stop her rattling, thank you
@himzey (1321)
• India
11 Jan 12
I think there isn't anything to complain. She's just an individual in quest for appreciation and acknowledgement. I guess she just wants people to praise her for leading a tough life.
But, dont care about her.. she's completely fine...
Help her and she'll never stop, appreciate her and she will go on and on.. So the best thing would be to ignore her. When she is whining about her miseries just listen to them and dont give any response... like,"yeah.. ok... good..". And after some time she'll find someone else to tell her fairy tales. 
But, dont care about her.. she's completely fine...
Help her and she'll never stop, appreciate her and she will go on and on.. So the best thing would be to ignore her. When she is whining about her miseries just listen to them and dont give any response... like,"yeah.. ok... good..". And after some time she'll find someone else to tell her fairy tales. @trinkabelle (432)
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11 Jan 12
her life is far from tough, she has it easy, but she just doesn't stop complaining, maybe i should just ignore her like you said
@parascevi (313)
• Greece
11 Jan 12
I know people like your neighboor. They are not happy ever,always complaining about almost everything!These people are very tiring and very egocentric and they will never say: "thank you for your advice i will consider this".The best is to just ignore them and to not pay attention to them. They are just iilmanered and i think that they actually LIKE to complain.Maybe they want to draw attention of others.
I personally avoid and stop giving advice to these people.
@trinkabelle (432)
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11 Jan 12
oh she is definitely full of herself, when i am telling her something she cuts me off cold and starts talking about herself, this i find very annoying and rude, maybe i should just ignore her, and then maybe she will stop
