Maybe I just dont have the tolerance and understanding I should
By bonnie
@bunnybon7 (50973)
Holiday, Florida
January 12, 2012 1:55pm CST
Well, Jr. my son has told C, daughters bf, if he dont go to a meeting in a 12 step program every day for 30 days, he will have to leave no matter what!
Jr. just took him over to one of the best ones here in our area. daughter went also. so she can see where he has to go. Im hopeing this will help and i will stop getting so out of sorts with him, C, that is. Since everyone else seems to be able to forgive and try again and I really still cant stand C, im wondering if its my age and im just not very nice any more. maybe its because its my daughters good for nothing bf? 
lets pray this helps for my families sake. What do you think? can someone that hard core be saved? my oldest daughter has been in the program for 17 yrs. Im very proud of that one. my son here, Jr. used religion and his faith in Jesus, but he realises that doesnt work with everyone. so im sitting here waiting to see how it goes when they come back. 
what do you think is the best way?
Jr. just took him over to one of the best ones here in our area. daughter went also. so she can see where he has to go. Im hopeing this will help and i will stop getting so out of sorts with him, C, that is. Since everyone else seems to be able to forgive and try again and I really still cant stand C, im wondering if its my age and im just not very nice any more. maybe its because its my daughters good for nothing bf? lets pray this helps for my families sake. What do you think? can someone that hard core be saved? my oldest daughter has been in the program for 17 yrs. Im very proud of that one. my son here, Jr. used religion and his faith in Jesus, but he realises that doesnt work with everyone. so im sitting here waiting to see how it goes when they come back. what do you think is the best way?5 people like this
10 responses
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 12
hi bunnybon no you have huge tolerance and understanding, but that idiot bf of your daughter's is a big pain in the patootey for sure. It would take the patience of a Sating to stand him very long I am sure.Good for your son. This will either cure him or show your daughter he is noet redeemable at all. so either way that will be good news. I think you have been really over patient an over tolerant of the idiot so now its up to him to change his ways or leave..You just need some peace and tranquility in your home again and thats sure not asking for much either so do not beat yourself up over that worthless boyfriend of your daughter's a
home again and thats sure not asking for much either so do not beat yourself up over that worthless boyfriend of your daughter's a2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
cute that "patootey" comment. thanks Hatley. i hope you are right and im the good person ive hoped to be. I strive to be what God wants me to be these days. i guess thats gets a little easier as we age. thank goodness. today, he is C, that is, is going through a tough time. not allowed anything. everyone is keeping a watch on getting him through this and frankly, i just hope it works. so i can see a better person for my daughter. since she cant seem to cut loose from him. 
@MaryLynn321 (2680)
• United States
13 Jan 12
From what I understand the only way they will quit is if they want to or that they are ready.
I hope for C's sake that it goes well, and also for your daughter and the family.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
thats what ive always heard to. lets just hope hes ready and all he needed was this little push and incentive. 
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 Jan 12
I don't know all the ins and outs of this situation, but from what I've read here, my gut tells me that YOUR mother's gut, and your daughters own history goes a long way towards your feelings for C. I don't blame the negativity you feel at all. I think I would feel the same way. C's problem is one you seem to have experience with and you KNOW how damaging it can be to the people around him. So your protective instincts are aroused and that's a GOOD thing.
Give him a chance, but if he doesn't meet Jr.'s demands, then don't feel guilty in making him leave. Your daughter just might thank you and Jr. in the end......
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
13 Jan 12
She's only 19, so like all women of that age she still thinks if she loves enough she can change the person. YOU realize (because of your own age) that's not possible. All a loving woman of any age can do is guide by example,and if the one we love doesn't follow that example, then it's THEIR problem, not ours. We can only live our own lives, not someone elses. Hang in there Mom. She'll come around as her life experience grows.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
thats the thing. i dont think id feel guilty if he dont work this out for himself. and my daughter seems to think ive grown a bit cold in my age. but as ive pointed out to her, she has a 19yrs old daughter herself and i told her think of how she would feel. she did relent and say i was right, but still cant shake the love and guilt she feels if this dont work out. she just cant see that its his responsibility to "fix" his own fate and not her job. she cant "fix" him. i wonder why its so hard for some to understand that/ 
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (166970)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jan 12
I think it is alittle bit of alot of things. We get tired of having things out of square. I get highly indignant when things start going haywire. I like repetitive, even boring days. I like knowing what to expect. And, ofcourse, we all want the best for our children. Even get alittle upset when they make bad decisions. Tolerance? What is that anyway?
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
yes it seems as we get older we are less bored and calm repetitive life is all we want. we've been through the fire and just want to kick back and cool our heels and reflect. so maybe its just that and i should not feel bad about myself. 1 person likes this
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
12 Jan 12
There's nothing wrong with your age, and you are as nice as pie! 
Anyone, no matter how 'hard core' can absolutely be saved. However, if this instance it sounds like C is going because Jr. demanded it. I would be more optimistic if C chose to go himself, and I bet you would be, too. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink...right?
Who knows? Maybe this program will show him something that he's been unable to see. We can only hope.
Anyone, no matter how 'hard core' can absolutely be saved. However, if this instance it sounds like C is going because Jr. demanded it. I would be more optimistic if C chose to go himself, and I bet you would be, too. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink...right?
Who knows? Maybe this program will show him something that he's been unable to see. We can only hope.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
iam truely in hopes that ive misjudged him. that like my oldest daughter he will find people there that he can identify with and can help him change his life. if nothing else at least he may get some friends that can lead him the right way. sometimes family and partners are to close to be objective and give you the right incentive. plus they know more helpful things there. in that program.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
12 Jan 12
I think the older you get the more you see and know. Also I do believe that the older you get's doesn't make you less tolerant but you know what you like or not or stand for and you are less afraid about what other people think of you. Which is a good thing.
Personally I don't think you need a religion to change or to be good. Also I do believe this program will only help if C. is willing to change.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
i know you are right and i was a bit worried over the force part. but at this point, im just hopeing it will work because of the threats of being out. 
at least it might give him someone to talk to about help and ways to go. yes as we age the old saying is true, we get much more set in our ways
@muliercingarus (60)
•
14 Jan 12
Hi BB,
I think anything that can improve C's life and attitude has to be a good thing.
The big problem is however - is that C WANTS to have to change.
You, your daughter, or your son can't do it for him!
Jr did it because HE WANTED to change! Your older daughter did it because SHE WANTED to change!
If C believes he is being corecered in any way - then it won't do him much good will it?
You say you can't stand him - it's hard when you see a member of your family being hurt. Remember this though - two of your family changed - and you managed to turn your feelings around then - maybe you can do it with C if he makes the changes in his life?
If he really has no intention of changing (for whatever reason), then yeah - you or your daughter shouldn't have to put up with him!
My prayers and thoughts go with you BB.
MC
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
14 Jan 12
I realise you are right and i think Jr. does to. but right now we need peace in our house and obviously we have to try anything if C is not going to listen. daughter will not listen so we just have to try and help her as long as we can find a way to cope with her bf. 
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
13 Jan 12
Dear friend....DO not beat yourself up! You have been the ultimate of tolerance and understanding through all this situation! YOU are not the problem, nor your age...you have made every effort to be the solution..and so has your son!
I pray with all my heart, you will find an answer, and this just might be the one! My greatest fear, tho', is the old saying; "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!" If this "bf" is NOT ready to admit he has a substance abuse problem, nor wishes to clean himself up...there is NOTHING you can do! 
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Jan 12
you are right i think. just hopeing it will work out like Jr. seems to think. ive also heard they have to want to. lets just hope C wants to change instead of being thrown out. @JenInTN (27514)
• United States
13 Jan 12
I hope that the program works for him. I know it will be a huge relief if he starts to act like somebody instead of an idiot. I know it's been tough on you and you have certainly had to put up with more than the average bear.
I think that the things that "work" are as individual as a person. What works for one is not so guaranteed to work for another. I think the biggest thing will be breaking a "habit." People often do things in a repetitive nature..like certain times or places. Getting out of that can be the toughest thing.
I do hope that things start to look up for you soon with him attending this program.
Take care and keep us updated.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
14 Jan 12
i sure will dear and i believe like you. different things work for individual people. so far its cooled his jets. i think mostly Jr. is trying for some peace in the house so we can get through this till daughter either sees the light or gets them their own place. 
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
17 Jan 12
The thing that makes this really difficult is that even if someone is telling another person that they have a problem and that they need help, it really doesn't do any kind of good unless the person that has a problem has come to the realization that they do in fact have a problem.
With that said, it does sound like something that needs to be done for the good of the family.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
17 Jan 12
yes unfortunately i think its just going to be a quick fix temp for the family for a bit. hes not really into it and its not going to last. just be peace for a while.
just be peace for a while.