i am hiv+ and now dying.
By madonna143
@madonna143 (1737)
Philippines
January 13, 2012 10:23pm CST
I wanted to be truthful to all of you. I purposely removed my avatar as well as my photos, I think you guys understand why. I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart all those who replied to my earlier post dying soon. I am hiv positive and my cd4 count is only 9, yes nine and its not a typo error. The normal range of a normal person's cd4 count is at least 600-1,200. The cd4 count is the mechanism in our blood that fights infection. I have experienced so much pain and suffering in the last months and I know that this will be a very painful death and I am so afraid. I have lost 75 pounds because of the wasting syndrome and have three major infections. My worst fear is that I can go blind within four to six months because of the CMV infection in my eyes. It is sad enough that I am dying but it is harder to die in pain as well as lose your eyesight. My eyes are failing me little by little each day. I am really so afraid. My feet and my hands have pain every now and then. I have been reading a lot on how this will progress and I do not know how to prepare myself. This is the harsh truth, I am not at all ready to die especially knowing that I will be suffering this hard before I come to my end. If you are in the same position as I am now I hope we can communicate while I am still able to. I am also having aids dementia and sometimes forget some things already. I keep myself busy by reading things in the net so my mind can be active. My mother is coming home second week of feb ad I hope I can still be strong for her. I do not know how to die like this:
1.) Losing your eyesight because of CMV
2.) Dying looking like skin attached to the bone because of the wasting syndrome.
3.) Pain in different parts of the body
4.) No control of your excretions of the body
5.) body malaise
6.) etc etc.
How can anyone be ready for this kind of suffering before he goes. My mind could not begin to comprehend how. I just hope that I will still have the resources to afford morphine when I am in the hospital to ease my pain. I do not know how to begin to pray to God overwhelmed by all this. This is the truth and only confusion follows. I try to leave day by day knowing all of this. Sometimes I had wished I could have been dumb and not be intellectual so as not to understand all of these facts. There is still no cure, therefore no sign of hope. They say drugs can prolong..yes for HIV but not for full blown AIDS. Can anyone begin to tell me how to handle this worst death sentence? I still do not have the guts and I will never take my life because I fear the loss of God and heaven but I hope and pray that he wont give me too much of all these that I can bare. If the hiv virus was indeed manufactured as they say, I really do not know how these people can invent such a thing. To allow people to die slowly and so painfully. The medicines that we take make us feel worst everyday because of the side effects. Please, to all of you reading this, be careful so you would not be where i am now. I would never wish for anyone to ever experience all of this even if he was my worst enemy. Take care and God bless all of you.
12 people like this
37 responses
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
14 Jan 12
Dear Madonna
As I find, my response at #38 on your Dying Soon discussion is not yet read or responsed and neither the PM that I send out. Never mind. I will repeat - I will not say anything sad, gloomy or anything about your ill health. Many others will and most of the time reading those gloomy responses will Never Help anyways.
For the changing or removing your avatar, it is late, I have already you on my family pic - (look out for the Link in the PM). The next thing - I think you should forget all about what your illness will bring, and how you are going to die as this is beyond your control. What I can recommend is - do some meditation - this really helps in relaxing the mind, eases off some pain and think positive. I will still say - Live each moment to the best you can. And for your sake stop reading too much on the illness over the Internet. It makes no good and only will make you feel more gloomy - something that your ill health loves and it will only make you weaker.
Prayers for you
As I find, my response at #38 on your Dying Soon discussion is not yet read or responsed and neither the PM that I send out. Never mind. I will repeat - I will not say anything sad, gloomy or anything about your ill health. Many others will and most of the time reading those gloomy responses will Never Help anyways.
For the changing or removing your avatar, it is late, I have already you on my family pic - (look out for the Link in the PM). The next thing - I think you should forget all about what your illness will bring, and how you are going to die as this is beyond your control. What I can recommend is - do some meditation - this really helps in relaxing the mind, eases off some pain and think positive. I will still say - Live each moment to the best you can. And for your sake stop reading too much on the illness over the Internet. It makes no good and only will make you feel more gloomy - something that your ill health loves and it will only make you weaker.
Prayers for you3 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
I have read your posted response and honestly do not know how to react. I felt guilty and wanted to tell all of you the truth about this sickness I am afflicted with. Its not that I am being gloomy, I am just facing this harsh reality and trying my best how to prepare for it. I honestly do not know how to prepare to go blind and suffer while I pass on, but I know that the Lord will have mercy on me and hopefully he will guide and help me. Thank you so much and may God bless you and your family for the compassion you have shown me.
2 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
14 Jan 12
There is nothing to feel guilty about my dear friend. I mentioned on that response - I added you willingly. so please dont blame yourself or feel guilty. You know, I had a very recent ugly phase much similar to yours. I was on the verge of killing myself - I know the pain was unbearable those days. Then one day I thought to live - and I am now alive. That is important. Today, I know any day my tests can say that I have colon cancer and what not... but I dont think about all that anymore. I have learned to live each moment to my best... and also to cherish the wonderful world, life. So what I stay here for months and not years.
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
16 Jan 12
It will only strike you when the real challenges come up if you are confined to the hospital and living life minute by minute experiencing total discomfort. It would feel like its forever, the good thing is, I am already having dementia and I dont remember that clearly these early months. One thing I know is that I suffered so much at home and in the hospitals, especially when I was almost brought to the ICU after a seizure. I wish you well and I hope we both dont go through so much pain and if we do, we may have access to pain medications.
@Bamboee (645)
• United Arab Emirates
14 Jan 12
Dear Friend,
I pray to God that He ease's your suffering and pain. I pray that you survive and fight with. Life is too short we all will die someday, in some way or the other. Dont let the disease make you its victim. Be like a warrior till the end, live your life with head held up high, do all the things that you love doing. Live each day with a big bright smile on your face. I know all of its is impossible with the pain your going through, I cant even imagine it. Just reading your post has brought me to tears.
I may not have ever met you, but see you suffer like this, I feel very hurt.
I wish there was some way I could console you.
Please give me your email address, so everyday I shall make it special for you..
Write you emails and strengthen you to fight this battle.
Because your not alone, I am with you and I am sure many of the Lotters will be too
May God shower His mercy upon you my friend, Amen.
Please dont give up hope!
3 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
I honestly do not know how to respond back to each and every one of you in this post. Thank you and yes may the Lord have mercy on me and make this passing not so difficult for me and my family especially my mother. As for the email, I made an anonymous mail and will try to open it from time to time osang_ganda2000@yahoo.com. I am really confused as of now and it makes me hard to think how to react. I just read and seen pics of people dying of AIDS and it frightens me so much.
3 people like this
@Bamboee (645)
• United Arab Emirates
14 Jan 12
Dont worry, you dont have to respond to each and everyone one of us..
we all are here for you just that you should know, that your not alone in this battle.
And another mylot friend has something right that the more negative you think the more it will get worst, just think of the beautiful times you had, you lived..
About your family and your loved ones, your fond memories..
Dont get upset :)..
life is beautiful, just close your eyes and imagine it!
3 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
Everytime I go to sleep and am able to sleep at night without any pain is a blessing from God. I remember the times when I was not eating and sleeping for months and lost a lot of weight. I pray to him just to give me at least an hour without feeling anything but it never happened. It was continous hell every minute of everyday for months. At least now it is not that bad. Though I know I must prepare myself again for the worse. It is so hard when you have gone through such terrible ordeal and still expect it to happen again anytime. All I can ask is for your prayers and compassion for people like me affected by this illness. Please understand us when we are sometimes hard to talk to and somewhat grouchy. We do not mean to be like this.
2 people like this
@toniganzon (72281)
• Philippines
16 Jan 12
Hello! I have been gone from mylot for quite a long time and you are one of my new friends here and haven't read your previous posts at all. I'm not sure what to tell you at all and i think i won't be able to give you an answer on how to prepare for all the sufferings that you are expecting soon. Whatever i will say i'm sure you already know that. I have nothing else but God and the only thing i can tell you is talk to Him the way you talk to us on here. Blame HIm if you feel like doing so but open your heart to His answers.
I'm really sorry because i'm not sure whether i should be serious or cheer you up or divert your attention from your current situation. I know you won't be able to remember this but i know you will be able to read this so i want to tell you that even though you are suffering right now, I admire your courage for being honest and telling everyone here what you're going through. I know you're not seeking pity from all of us. YOu are one admirable person and you have given me and the rest of mylot members a lesson to learn one way or another.
Let me be honest in telling you that i will never forget this day i read your post and i will remember your username irregardless of the removed profile pic.
2 people like this
@sjvg1976 (41281)
• Delhi, India
14 Jan 12
Hello Madonna,
While reading your discussion many times i got tears in my eyes and really cursed God for giving such a punishment to you.
This is where we are still helpless as after being so developed still for many things we don't have the solutions and still depend on the mercy of God.
I understand how painful is your life and i pray God to give you the strength to bear that pain.
This is where we are still helpless as after being so developed still for many things we don't have the solutions and still depend on the mercy of God.
I understand how painful is your life and i pray God to give you the strength to bear that pain.
@garavegeta (963)
• Kochi, India
17 Jul 12
Madonna143,Just live your life normally.Just be more careful.
You'll have to live a lot more like anyone else.We Hindus believe in rebirth.You will once again take birth in this beautiful world.Its the Pre historic religion and it can't lie.We have already reborn countless times and we will continue to do so eternally,there is no halt.
Help is on the way,very soon we will have a cure.I am sure.
migz29 :We are not taking any decision,God is !! We are just obeying him,acting the way he wants us to.You can't stop things from happening..Just read PARIKSHITH's story and decide.
@befrindwithme26 (5805)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
I am sorry to hear for your situation right now, i can't control but only God can.
Don't loose your hope trust God,believe God that he is the higher of what you are suffering now.
Every thing has purpose why its happen,and we are here on earth to taste those pain and hardship.God is there for you,if you have sins against God,go directly to Him,pray with your heart to forgive you,humble your self that He can care you and help you to survive.
Leave the sins,and i know that sin ,disease if from people,and the disease that is from God is the disease that man can't control it.
Beg God to help you,and hope in Him, i knopw He is merciful,kindness,loving..Life is hard but trust God.. i wish i can see you but only to pray...
3 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
I just hope that these hardships will never break me of being who I am. My body may change dramatically but I hope and pray that my soul will be presentable to God.
1 person likes this
@HariniT (34)
• India
14 Jan 12
hi friend. For the first time i am knowing how this hiv affects people so bad. But i would rather advice you to not to think about it always. Because it makes our illness so worse. I know that it is not easy to forget pain but it helps reduce your worries. I dont know how far this will help you but still try to follow what i say now. In india there is a classical music raga ie tune called anandha bharavi which when heard relaxes our mind. Instead of discussing about your illness you can download songs from it. If that is not effective take some time to research on things on your interest topic and discuss about it. This will relax your mind. I follow this when i have some illness i find it effective. It diverts our mind. Hope this will help you a little. I will pray god for you and he will take care of you.
3 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
Some people think that this disease is as simple as it seems. It can be simple if you get to know about it in an early stage but at this stage, it is a different story altogether. I only knew about my situation last March of 2011 and have had so many trips of confinement in the hospital/s that has drained me emotionally physically and financially. I do not know that the next time my situation worsens again I will be able to cope with the problems that it entails. Thank you for all your prayers my readers. It will really be a big help and I hope to God that none of you would have a friend or relative go through this same situation. Take care and God bless you all.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
14 Jan 12
I am heartbroken by your post and I know there is nothing that I can say or do to ease your suffering.
I hope for you peace and from a distance, I would like to send you strength and hold your hand. I am no one and no one is me but I am over here thinking of you and praying that you are eased of pain. You are not alone my friend.
2 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
16 Jan 12
Thank you very much for caring. I just hope that the very least I don't lose my eyesight so I can continue reading all your replies and reply back to all of you here. I am touched with all your kind words and I hope that I can continue all this. God bless you all.
@starsailover (7829)
• Mexico
15 Jan 12
Hi madonna: I really feel sorry to read that you feel so sick and that you cd4 level would be so down that you don't have hope. I thought medicine was evolving so fast and that we could find a cure for aids in the near future. I hope you are following all the treatments that could help you and that you'd be with your family and persons you love to help you in this terrible path you are living now that you are near to the end. Also I hope you approach to God in these hard times.
ALVARO
1 person likes this
@vycess (1588)
• Saudi Arabia
14 Jan 12
You are very brave to share this to us and thank you. Being afraid is normal because of all these things happening to you, If I were in your situation too I will be afraid too, especially when I haven't live my life. There's no cure yet and only palliative management can be done. But don't stop praying, He will hear you. He will give you peace of mind and God is always there. I still believe He will never leave us alone. God bless.
2 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
16 Jan 12
I know that God listens to our prayers. I also pray that the other people in this same situation I am now in will be helped by the more fortunate persons in this world. I hope that they can be given access to pain medications at the very least so we can die comfortable as possible.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
14 Jan 12
I am so sorry to hear of your pain and disease. My sister in law also has aids. I will be praying for you, I will beg God not to let it be as painful as it usually is. God is stronger than this disease! We will all be praying for you here.
Seeing this discussion I think we will all be more grateful for the life we have. If nothing else you have taught us all to be grateful for every day we have.
I am so sorry your going through this. I know your afraid and I would be too. Lean on the Lord and try to enjoy the last of your time here.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
15 Jan 12
Also, I dont know if you want to try it but there is something called colloidial silver that is said to cure diseases. If you want to try it, you have nothing to lose you know? Its in all vitamin shops. I will pray for you!
1 person likes this
@Triple0 (1904)
• Australia
14 Jan 12
Why is life so cruel for some people? Some people wouldn't even make past where you are now, you are very strong-willed and please don't lose that. Each day brings more pain to you and it hurts me knowing what you are going through. No one wants to slowly suffer like that. The Mylot community will be thinking about you, hoping for you. You'll be in my prayers and let God be with you. 2 people like this
@madonna143 (1737)
• Philippines
16 Jan 12
Cruel as it really is, I just hope that all of these would be part of my penance for the wrong things I have done in this life. I also offer my pains to all those afflicted with this pandemic and hope that we may die as comfortable as possible and at least have access to pain medications when the worst days come.
@jkct02 (2874)
• Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia
18 Jan 12
My friend, you are indeed brave and strong. By reading what you shared, you have taught me to appreciate life from a different angle. Your sharing of your illness made me understand more about it. There is definitely a need to find a way to lessen the physical pain the illness brings.
I have read all the responses in this discussion. I can feel the care and love in most of the replies. Although most of us don't really know each other, we would all help a fellow human being who is in need. We would do whatever we can to offer a hand. It shows that deep down in our heart, we are all compassionate and caring. We also have to find a way to make all of us be more open with our helpfulness.
You are in my prayer.
@Flashpointer (784)
• Philippines
17 Jan 12
It is really hard to have a condition without cure. Don't lose hope my friend for as long as you live there is hope. God can make even if it is impossible to make for as long as you don't think about of dying horribly. God don't want that, thinking always of dying. Thinking negative can make your pain worsened, just recall all the happy moments in your life and try to visit your church for sometime to talk to Him about your life's journey. Live strong to the fullest and always put God in your heart, never let it go because God is the only cure you have left. God bless you too my friend.
1 person likes this
@mylesnarvaez (5451)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
hi. i approved your FR and sent you a PM. it is a bit lengthy, i apologise. but i preferred sending you a personal reply rather than a post. hope you read it.
i wish you well. god bless and keep safe.
[i][b]"a true warrior is not measured by the number of battles fought and won.
but fighting for what you believe in and finding victory by keeping the faith."[/b][/i]
1 person likes this
@sminut13 (1783)
• Singapore
15 Jan 12
i don't know how to uplift you, waiting to die is not easy especially when you know it'll be painful and are already experiencing it. i just hope you'll enjoy life now, do what you enjoy doing. i can't imagine what you are going through. it must be so tough. but always know that there are many here, who will always be with you, who will have you in their prayers.
do keep being active here, you'll find comfort and solace, don't keep thinking that you'll die. be strong and accepting, then you'll be able to enjoy. i hope you will not be in so much pain and it'll be easy for you. god bless, you'll be in my prayers.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Jan 12
oh my God love you Madonna you are too young to die, oh I will pray and pray for God to find a way to cure you or at least to make your last days pain free. I know they are working on cures for A ids and perhaps if you can hang in there awhile longer they
will have this cure.What you have listed made me weep. I am elderly 85 and here you are dying I wish God would reach down and perform a miracle and you Madonna would be made whole again,'
You are one brave lad and my heart goes out to you, however you contracted aids you did not deserve to die like this. courage my
friend perhaps there are hopes you do not know about we mylotters
have prayer power to change many things maybe we can change your
outcome too.hugs from hatley Madonna God love you and protect you
1 person likes this
@triptadasgupta (900)
• India
15 Jan 12
hello friend...its really very touching that you have to leave this world and you know it hr we finish off with those duties we all have to leave ow. well we all know that we all have to leave this world and no one can escape from this dare truth but i really feel very sorry for you. dear friend i know it is really difficult for you as well as your near and dear ones and i sincerely pray to god that he gives you a ton of courage to face this.Please friend one thing i must share with you is that i believe that the god almighty has sent us to perform certail duties and after that we all have to leave right but dear friend have the courage and strength dehis with hat you will face tar. i know it is very easy to say but i hope that THE ALMIGHTY GOD will help you passing through this. take care
1 person likes this
@Olleenz (3398)
• Indonesia
14 Jan 12
I'm not gonna lie to you
I can't help you but somehow your post (this one) ease my pain. This week I have a lot of problems and the worst part, today someone rob my house.
God bless you my friend ..... even you in great pain but you still can help others (specially me)
I don't know how long I gonna live but I wish I can meet you in my next destination 
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
15 Jan 12
I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know what to say, this is very sudden news. I hope and pray that God will give you strength, spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.
1 person likes this
