It's like my family refuses to understand
By trowbdon
@trowbdon (167)
Canada
January 14, 2012 8:52am CST
My mom has a mental illness, several actually. She was good at hiding it, as i didn't notice until I was a teenager. She started seeing someone about it, but that didn't seem to help much.
Over the years i've learned when dealing with her what works and what doesn't work. So in most situations i can deal with almost anything that comes up.
Recently the family (her brothers, sister) kinda started noticing what was gong on. And started tell me I needed to do more or giving me bad advice. I've tried to explain to them i do help her when she needs it (as dos my husband) and that I've been dealing with this and know what works and what doesn't.
I continue to be harassed , and no mater how much explaining i try they don't want to hear it. They seem they believe they know best. They started calling her (something they don't do often) Then would harass me "why won't she pick up?" and again I try to explain it to them to no avail.
Present day: My family was having a get together, which i always go to despite being constantly asked "where is your mother" To which i usually answer "at home" and say nothing else. Before the last one my cousin started emailing me "is my Aunt Linda coming" I say no probably not (she never goes to these family parties) "why?"
"I don't know, maybe she doesn't want to"
I'm trying to be very nice. After several emails trying to tell her no she's not coming, and trying to explain her illness. Again to no avail, i start getting accused of doing nothing for her. Her quote " We only worry because we see nothing being done for her"
I loose it. I blast off an email with almost everything i've ever done for her. I get back this "She's your mother, she's bailed you out of situations"
"No, she hasn't"
At this point i'm done with the conversation and still decide to go the party.
The next several emails she sends are accusing my husband of not letting me help her. Huh?? He helps her all the time, with fix it's as she can't afford to hire anyone. Now It's That my husbands buys all these cars to fix. I respond with what cars? I really have no clue what she's talking about. We own two cars.
Then the messages start well, my mom says.... Which includes my husband is not to talk to anyone in her family or she will have him blackballed from the entire family. (my aunt is a manipulator and no one see's it) By this point he doesn't care, but is upset i'm being bullied.
At this point i'm done, i call my mom (I keep her out of this stuff because she can't handle it) I ask to to call her sister and explain it herself.. "no, i don't care what they think. Just ignore it"
A couple of day later i find out she drove to the party ( I didn't go) and reamed out everyone. Explaining it all, down to the dirty details. She goes on to tell how my hubby and I have done so much for her. More than a daughter should be doing. She confronted my aunt who still doesn't get it and they got into a fight (now i wish i had gone)
Ok, so a week later i go to my aunt and uncles where the party was (I was invited because i didn't go to the party the week before) This is not the aunt my mom hit..lol
Anyways i walk in "hello"
My uncle (my mom's brother) come out of the kitchen and says " I didn't think you would come"
huh? I think and respond with "why what happened?"
Then i ask where is Aunt ...?
She went out to pick up the grandkids. "She'll be back soon. I was going to call and tell you not to come." My aunt shows up a a few minutes later happy to see me and says about going into the pool. So we hang out in the pool, my uncle's attitude changes in front of his wife. I had to giggle
It's like they want to blame my hubby and me for my mom's problems. They have gone as far as trying to break us up. I think they hope we break up so I can move in with my mom and help (as they think i don't now)
Am i right in just cutting them out??
2 people like this
4 responses
@Bamboee (645)
• United Arab Emirates
14 Jan 12
Wow, I just cant believe how mean can family get. Why are you just being centered and questioned about taking care of your mother, I think everyone should pitch in and help her out. Yes, there is nothing in the world we could do enough to pay back what our mom did for us but that does not mean get harassed and being judged wrong all the time, to the point where your marriage has to be at stake.
Okay, I wont go into much details, I can feel your frastration very sound and clear.
I know you are doing almost everything in your power for your mother and so is your husband which is very rare to find, so really that is truly amazing.
First thing you should do is stop worrying about what other people have to say because what all your doing for your mother is not for them, its for the love you have for her, right?
I know its a difficult step but once you take it trust me it gets easy, when you shut your ears from the crapiness of what people have to say even your own family, things get alot better.
God is watching you, He knows your doing your best and He will reward you for that in this lief and the rest. By listening and getting yourself upset to what others have to say your not doing any good to yourself or your mother - so just STOP IT!
Be yourself, be with your husband and do what you have to do which will satisfy you and your mother, the rest DOES NOT MATTER!
Let them say the worst things on planet earth just remember WHEN YOU DO THE RIGHT THING AND YOU KNOW ITS RIGHT NOTHING ELSE REALLY MATTERS - NOT THE WORLD, NOT THE PEOPlE, NOBODY!!
I am sure your mother knows it, in her heart..She loves you very much..
So just do it for the sake of all the little times she has made you smile and do as much as you can not more than your limit :)..
Do it as you would have wanted your daughter to do it for you, that is all that matters!!
One more thing..
That what you sow is what you reap !!
so your being so good, you will get the fruits out of it, trust me!
God bless you my sister,
your a wonderful daughter and a wife.
Keep it up,
Dont loose hope in yourself and dont care what others say!!
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
15 Jan 12
Wow, that is such a complicated family situation. How can they accuse you of all those things? What are their bases for such? Do they really think or maybe imagine that you and your husband are not helping your mother? They seem to be blaming you for your mother's condition. I hope everything will be ironed out soon. Family is family and things like this should not happen.
@trowbdon (167)
• Canada
15 Jan 12
You would think family is family, but my aunt (my mom's sister) is use to being in charge. You don't bow to her you suffer the consciences. So everyone bows. I didn't and this is the result. I didn't receive one christmas card this year.
My hubby is done with them. He said his family will always be mine. I love his family. I'm not use to the normal yet.
@borgborg (821)
• Philippines
14 Jan 12
just do what you think is right. don't listen to what other person think. as long as your mom is happy, then you should be happy, too. there will always be someone in your life who always go against you. it maybe your one of your friends or worst, like in your case, is one of your family members. but the important thing is how you can ignore them and just do what you think is right. just remember that as long as you're not hurting anyone, then what you do is right.
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
14 Jan 12
Wow I honestly can't believe that your family could be so mean. You are doing more than most people in your situation would. I think that your family should be ashamed of themselves. Obviously if your mom is stable enough to live on her own, she isn't as bad off as they are thinking she is. I don't think that anyone would blame you if you decided to stop talking to them. They should be helping you and not making you feel like you aren't doing enough. I hope that this New year you find health and happiness, just remember not to let them get to you, it is obvious that you are doing a great job and that is all that matters. Good luck and Happy mylotting.