Teacher vs. Daughter
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
January 20, 2012 5:43pm CST
My daughter has had a heck of a school year. Her regular teacher is out on leave for an undetermined amount of time, but it doesn't look like he'll be back for the rest of this school year.
He's already been out for awhile, and the class has had many substitute teachers during this time. They finally got a more long-term teacher, but then she was offered a better position, so now the class has yet another new long-term teacher.
So, two days ago the teacher e-mailed me that she wanted to talk about my daughter. She said my daughter was having trouble adjusting to having another new teacher, and that it was to be expected, and she was just wondering if I had any ideas of some coping mechanisms for her to try to help my daughter out at school.
Honestly, I've never had any behavioral problems with my daughter at school. She's usually a really good kid, really smart, and aims to please her teachers. Her teachers normally love her.
So I asked the teacher what sort of problems she's having. She told me that my daughter is basically having a power struggle with the teacher. She won't listen to or follow directions, she's slow to get started causing class disruptions, and she tries to get attention.
So, I talked to my daughter, to see if she'd tell me what was going on. Well I got a completely different story from her. She told me the new teacher was rude to most of the kids in the class, and that nobody really liked the new teacher. She said the teacher won't give help when the students ask for it, and the teacher said to my daughter that she was an attention seeker.
I wasn't sure what to think at first. The teacher seemed nice, sensative, and understanding to me. I didn't get the impression that she'd be rude to the kids.
So I told my daughter to behave in class, no matter what, and that if she had anymore problems to just let me know instead of disrespecting the teacher and herself with bad behavior.
So yesterday my daughter came home with 2 notes. One was from the teacher, basically saying my daughter was still having the same problems. The other note was from my daughter listing all the problems she had with the teacher. She'd asked for help twice and was told no, one time the teacher said "whatever" disrespectfully. The teacher told my daughter she was mouthy, and wouldn't let my daughter put something away in her desk when she needed to.
So I'm definitely concerned, but I'm not sure what to do.
Though I've never had problems with my daughter before, and I don't consider her a liar, it is possible she's just upset because of all the changes this year, and I know she was really close with their last substitute, so it's possible she just dislikes this new teacher so is just perceiving that the teacher is mean and rude.
It's also possible the teacher really is causing these problems. I spoke to another mom though who currently has a child in this same class, and she hasn't heard anything negative about the teacher, and her younger daughter had the same teacher for pre-K and never had any problems.
So I also don't want to immediately assume this teacher is causing problems. If I act on this when the teacher isn't quite as mean as my daughter thinks, it could cause problems I don't want to cause. At the same time, I don't want my daughter to deal with this bad situation for the rest of the school year because that could disrupt her learning and her love of school.
I want to be on my daughter's side.. but I just don't really know what to think at this point and I don't know what to do about it.
Should I tell the teacher what my daughter said? If the teacher is as nice as she seems, she should understand and help.. but if she's as rude as my daughter says, it may just cause more problems for her.
Should I tell the principal and hope he can get to the bottom of it without making matters worse?
3 people like this
14 responses
@GreenMoo (11833)
•
21 Jan 12
I don't eny you having to deal with this situation, it's so difficult to know who to believe. I imagine they are both partly right. Could it be that both your daughter and the teacher have got off to a bad start and are now not giing each other the benefit of the doubt? If that's the case, the teacher as the adult should be the one to bend, of course.
I think I would suggest a meeting with a second member of the school staff. Someone who knows both your daughter and the teacher may be able to see beyond their problem and help sort it out.
Good luck!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
Right now I'm thinking you're exactly right. My daughter says yesterday was better. She didn't have any problems with the teacher yesterday, and the note from the teacher said my daughter behaved fine all day. So perhaps they did just get off on the wrong foot.
@abatencila (970)
• Philippines
21 Jan 12
Just talk to your daughter to be more patient and understanding this time so as to avoid any problem. I know it is not your daughter who is on the wrong side but you can't question the teacher all the time. She can make your daughter's life miserable after you talked to the principal about it. Just take it easy and investigate more before doing the right thing...
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
I was patient with my daughter. I kept asking her if she liked this teacher, or if she chose not to like her because she missed her old teachers. She told me she didn't dislike this new teacher.. so it's hard to decide whether she's blowing things out of proportion or if this teacher is really that bad. She did tell me none of the other kids liked her.
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
20 Jan 12
I would call the principal and set up a meeting. Show him the notes & emails from the teacher and the note your daughter wrote as well. If any portion of what your daughter is saying is true, the teacher is not behaving appropriately and should be removed from the classroom.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
20 Feb 12
I'm hoping things has worked out for your daughter by now and ask if you came up with something that worked? I think the principal should make the children fill out a questionnaire about the teacher so he can get other opinions as well about the teacher. It could only help him in perceiving how the teacher really is...and that way it's not just one child's opinion, but the whole class.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
22 Feb 12
I've had that problem as well..and it doesn't really get easier just more tolerated. I hope that the teacher isn't harder on her because of these feelings.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Feb 12
We've made some headway. I think my daughter just doesn't like this teacher because she is a lot more strict than any other teacher she's ever had. I have gotten her into counselling through school though to help her cope with everything she's been dealing with lately, including the teacher. I'm not bringing it to the principal though because it's not really the teacher, it's just that my daughter doesn't like her.
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
21 Jan 12
I guess I was lucky when I raised my children, every school they went to had a guidance counselor before you went to the principal. The counselor talked to the child more or less like a psychologist would and if the child had a problem helped them work through it. If the counselor thought it was the teacher, the counselor took it to the principal. My children were always in schools in heavily populated areas and the schools could afford more staff. Both of them had times when they needed help from the guidance counselor in regards to school situations. Only one time did I get involved with a gym teacher who expected my son to go without a shirt in gym class and my son refused. The teacher had him expelled. I went to the principal and had to intervene because my son had a deviation of normal chest and was not going to subject himself to ridicule from other students. The principal took another look and told the gym teacher he was allow my son to return and that the teacher was not to subject him to removing his shirt anymore and if there were other children with an issue similar to my son's, he was to let them dress with T-shirts. The teacher said my son was expelled for disrespect, and the principal told the teacher he had been disrespectful of the child. Funny, the next year that teacher wasn't teaching anymore. Made me wonder what was really going on with him and his need to have children expose themselves in the 6th grade. The guidance counselor for that school didn't know my son had a physical issue because my son was embarrassed to talk about it. So, she had taken the side of the teacher. Hope you find some resolution. Thanks for the discussion.
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
22 Jan 12
Me too, my son has over time adjusted to it and his wife has no problem accepting him as he is. Actually, pictures of him, in clothes, he is a very handsome man and his wife looks a lot like Julianne Moore. He still subject himself to ridicule about his chest. But his school records from that instance followed him, and he never had any other problems because of it from school staff anyway.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
What a terrible situation, I'm glad it got resolved.
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
21 Jan 12
You should both meet with the teacher and a third party (probably the principal). When you are getting two such conflicting stories, it's sometimes good to have a third party be the mediator. My son's elementary principal was especially good at conflict resolution. He asked lots of probing but not accusatory questions of both sides and really helped people to find their own solutions. In fact, I was really simply there to observe. It was a very productive meeting.
I hope you are able to work this out. Your daughter sounds like a pretty good kid :)
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
I'm going to call the principal and explain my concerns to him and see what he says. Then go from there.
@AmbiePam (93739)
• United States
21 Jan 12
First, good for you for considering that the teacher is telling the truth. Too many times parents think their kids can do no wrong and assume the teacher is lying. My parents thought it was important to back the teacher in front of me, but if they thought something was off, they always talked to the teacher. They never wanted their kids to think they had the right to be disrespectful. I think you're right about your daughter just being so close to the other teacher she cannot accept the new one. I would not bring the principal into it. I would definitely talk to the teacher without your daughter present. It's possible your daughter may be reading into things because she's already made up her mind to not like her.
I was a good kid. Never lied, straight A's, always obeyed. But I had a teacher I did not like. Could not stand her. And while I did what I was told I always felt like she hated me. My parents took note and couldn't figure out why. They were so concerned they sent me to a therapist! The therapist said listen, I don't think your daughter or teacher have done anything wrong, they are just different personalities and haven't taken to each other. And looking back, my teacher just wasn't what I was accustomed to. She wasn't warm at all. But other students did not have a problem with her. It really was just me.
Talking to the teacher about your daughters words might help the teacher because she might not be aware of how she is coming off. When your daughter says the teacher won't give help, it's possible that situation was misconstrued. Even good kids can exaggerate the circumstances. But hey, if your daughter is right, the truth should come out as soon as you talk to the teacher amd see her reaction. And if the problems persist after your talk, then maybe your daughter really was accurate in her assessment.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
I spoke to my daughter again yesterday after I wrote this, and she said things were just fine yesterday. I really thought it was because she missed her previous teachers, but she keeps saying that's not the case. She told me yesterday that it all started when the teacher yelled at her for something she didn't do. So I guess they just got off on the wrong foot and maybe need some time to adjust to each other.
I will keep an eye on the situation and see what happens. If there are further problems I will speak to the teacher, but I worry that if my daughter is right that will turn into the teacher being worse towards my daughter. Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her son's teacher was awful, and she got the principal involved, and the next day the teacher actually grabbed the boy by the jaw.. (so says the boy).
1 person likes this
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
21 Jan 12
Do you know any of the other parents in the class? I would say maybe try to talk to other parents and have them ask their kids too. I think if she's never had any problems before it's hard to believe that she'd be having so much now. Maybe a little adjusting to all the different teachers but it seems odd she would just totally change. I don't know that it would help to talk to the teacher because like you said, you don't want to cause more problems if the teacher takes it personally and wants to retaliate.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
I spoke to one other mom but she hadn't heard anything negative about this teacher.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
22 Jan 12
If it were me I would have a meeting with all the involved parties and see if they could reach a resolution about what should take place and go over all the problems between the conflict of the personalities! Right now my granddaughter has a teacher that is difficult, my own daughter is a teacher. And though they have different methods my daughter says my granddaughters teacher needs someone to point out a different method of teaching? Does that make sense? Like my granddaughter is in first grade....if she does something good she gets a sticker....if she doesn't meet expectation the stickers get taken away. I don't know who is right but my daughter has been a teacher for a lot longer then this chick and she says you never take away the things you give them for the good they do...anyway...each teacher is different and I woud see if I could mediate between the two of them and find some common ground.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
23 Jan 12
I'd have to agree with your daughter on this one. Why bother being good if your reward will be taken away when you do something wrong?
@shaggin (72183)
• United States
21 Jan 12
I really feel for you and your daughter in this situation. I dont know whose view I would pick but I think I would have to go with my daughter because I love her so much. My daughter has always been the teachers favorite student so if she got a new teacher and the teacher said she was behaving terribly and then my daughter said that she was being good like always but the teacher was really mean I would have to think it probably is the teacher. What I think you should do is talk to more of the other students parents. Even if you got two more parents and their childrens opinions it would give you a better idea of what is going on. You want your daugther to feel you trust her when she says someone is rude and not believe the teacher just because shes the adult. I would be afraid as well that if you tell the teacher that your daughter said she is being rude and mean to the kids in the class that she will turn around and be even worse to your daughter and then your daughter will hate that class even more. Find out what you can from other parents and possibly take this issue up with the principle instead.
@shaggin (72183)
• United States
21 Jan 12
If your daughter isnt being terrible and just doing simple things then I dont think it should even be brought up but maybe the teacher really is trying to be nice and trying to figure out what to do to get your daughter to feel more relaxed and less of a struggle. I would want to believe my daughter but I would still try to look into it more just in case. Usually even when my daughter has said that a teacher yelled at her for something I dont say the teacher is mean or anything we talk about the situation and I say she just has to do what the teacher says because the teacher is the boss. It might not always be fair but she has to learn to get along as best as she can with the teachers. Luckily over the 3 years shes been in school I've never had any problem with her and the teachers. I dread if she turns into the teenager that I was. But so far she really loves school and has such a love of learning that I dont see her as acting how I did. Time will tell. Good luck with your daughter and the teacher issue. Maybe once your daughter adjusts to having yet another teacher things will even out.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
I love my daughter, but believing her just for the sake of love doesn't help matters. It's possible she's blowing things out of proportion for the simple fact that she doesn't like this teacher because she replaced the previous one that she really did like.
If that's the case, it wouldn't be fair to my daughter to start problems with a good teacher just because my daughter doesn't like her.
As she gets older and gets into high school and college she isn't always going to like her teachers. Some can be rude and disrespectful. She's going to have to learn to focus more on her studies and less on the teacher's behavior.
Anyways, my situation is nothing like what you've described. The teacher never said my daughter is being terrible. She said for the most part my daughter behaved, but there were a couple of instances where she didn't listen and seemed to start a power struggle. My daughter did not deny her behavior. She admitted she was disrespectful to the teacher and didn't listen. But then went on to say some of it was the teacher's fault for not offering help and for telling her not to do things like get up to throw something away (during a lesson which would cause a disruption).
1 person likes this
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
21 Jan 12
This is truly a tough spot. I was going to suggest to you earlier talking to other parents of classmates as how their child was getting along with this teacher.
I think it may be true on both sides. When you know someone percives you in a negative light you act differently around that person right? So perhaps because your daughter is having a hard time adjusting to yet another teacher (and who'd blame her) and this teacher may have some attitude feeding off of her?
Last year my middle was in 5k an the teacher retired in the middle of the school year. I thought it was very unfair of the teacher to make such a decision in the middle of the school year. The whole class had to adjust to another teacher who was quite different in age(the new was fresh out of school in her 20's the other was in her late 50's-60's) and teaching style.
I had a teacher when I was in second grade that was out ill long term as well as I believe she had throat cancer. Thankfully we got used to our sub as she was helping the teacher before she too leave for the rest of the year and we were comfortable with her.
If you feel you need to talk to the principal do so. As the principal to observe the situation in the classroom or question other students.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
21 Jan 12
She said yesterday was a better day and neither her or the teacher had any problems with each other. So I guess for now I'm just going to watch the situation and see what happens. If I continue to hear things from my daughter I will probably go to the principal first because I don't really know how to tell a teacher that my daughter think's they're rude, LOL.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
23 Jan 12
As a past teacher this is of great concern to me. I really feel it for your daughter. And yes, you cannot let this continue and please get an appointment with the Principal asap. This has to be sorted out. Is her twin in the same class? There must be a meeting with you and the teacher with the Principal. Totally unacceptable. Please let us know how this is going to be resolved.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
23 Jan 12
She said Friday was fine, and she hasn't told me anything about today yet, but I just got home and she usually waits a bit before talking to me when I first get home because she knows I need a few minutes. For now I"m just going to wait and see.. because it could just be her. If I hear of any more problems though I will get the principal involved.
@bounce58 (17385)
• Canada
23 Jan 12
Oh, that's really tough! (Thank goodness I haven't had to deal with anything like that).
I guess I would also ask for the opinion of a third party, like the principal. I would like to trust my own kid, but if you say other parents don't have the same issues, then maybe I would like to know an unbiased opinion.
So, have you sorted it out?
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
23 Jan 12
Not yet. My daughter said Friday was fine, and the teacher sent a note home Friday saying my daughter's behavior was fine also.. so perhaps it is just my daughter's perception and behavior causing all of this? If I have any further problems I will talk to the principal.
@thresholdofreality (119)
• Philippines
21 Jan 12
Listen to your daughter, and get her to tell you everything that she feels. Afterwards, talk to her teacher personally, and I think you'll get a sense of who's telling the truth when you do so. Personally, I would go to the principal too, because it looks like a lot of children are also affected by what's happening with this teacher and that's just a horrible learning environment.
