My friend is still being 'stalked' after all this time
By rosegardens
@rosegardens (3032)
United States
January 28, 2012 4:46pm CST
My dear friend had a boyfriend who beat her up and assaulted her in other ways, and finally she had enough and left him. That was 7 years ago! He didn't want to let her go; he had threatened if she ever broke up with him, or called the police on him, he would kill her. After a few weeks, she did go to the police and made a report. He retaliated and served her a PPO (personal protection order) and then he started dating her neighbor, then moved in next door to her. The neighbor woman threatened to beat her up a few times. They would sit in the vehicle for hours, waiting for her to come out of her house (they parked behind her car on the street) and also at night when she came home from work. They walked back and forth in front of her home. The police said they have a right to do so, it is America.
Finally she was able to scrape enough money to leave that place. The guy did drive by her new place a few times. About once a year or so he sends her an email, basically spam. Nothing threatening, no personal contact--just spam to enter into a business venture he started online. He was sending her chat messages but she finally blocked him, so about once a year he will send her a spam. She won't go to the police anymore, because they will not do anything anyway. He has not threatened her, and he has a right to drive on a public road. He's not breaking any laws. There is no law against sending spam. She wrote him this time and said something about hello stalker-r*p*st-woman beater how are you, your keeping up on your victims again. I'll light up your world like the 4th of july if you don't leave me alone. Which is really stupid, now if anything happens, they will be looking at her. I am surprised, as big a jerk as this guy is, nothing has happened to him yet.
She was so upset in a public place she was swearing and carrying on like a crazy person when she was telling us about this guy! I feel for her, but her carrying on like that doesn't look good for her.
What can she do? The law will not intervene because this jerk is so careful. He is scaring her, and she feels so helpless.
What would you do if you were in a similar situation? Do you know anyone who has been stalked before? Do you think what he is doing to her now constitutes stalking?
3 people like this
7 responses
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
According to the law, he is not a threat because he did not threaten her. Sending a spam for his business is nothing to them. That is what she was told before, so can you blame her for not going to the police. Why even bother.
@shibham (16977)
• India
29 Jan 12
Mannerless stupid guy. When the relationship was over, everything should be ended and now he is playing a role of a stalker. Well, the better way that she should find out a perfect guy and marry him.... he seems to be more handsome and healthy than that guy. lol. And if he threatens her again and play a role then she may gather public and tell them everything.
Have a nice time.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
Ya, she does need a boyfriend. A huge, handsome fellow that knows how to kick someone's behind from here to Timbuktu. Or at least to India, then you can kick him back here. lolol! Maybe someday she will find a nice man, but she is understandably terrified of the prospect. Anyway, we are both old maids, over the hill and past our prime for marriage and children.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
29 Jan 12
Hi Rose,
Have her go to her local Woman's crisis center. There they will help her and let her know what her legal rights are. In most cases, if she feels threatened then they can issue a restraining order on him and he will not be able to contact her in any way including via the net with spam. He will have to stay completely away from her. If he goes into a public store and she is there then he has to leave and come back later.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
29 Jan 12
OMG, that's horrible. Women there need to push to have things stricter. Where I live, all a woman has to do is say she "feels" threatened. In fact, at times, I think it is over-done. I was in the grocery store with my brother who had his son living with him. His ex did not pay child support or help out in any way. She happened to be in the store. My brother was very much struggling financially at the time and my nephew needed some things. He walked up to her and very politely told her of his situation and asked if she would be willing to help out. She said she could not and he walked away. I was there and it was a peaceful conversation . Later on that day, he got served a restraining order! I went in to court with him as a witness. The judge granted her the restraining order because she told him that he "invaded her personal space."!!
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
My gosh, she was able to obtain a restraining order for THAT? Now that really is over the top and grossly unfair. Yet, when someone has been beaten and the offender is doing as my friends stalker is, when someone truly is dangerous, one cannot get an order of protection. O my gosh! How absolutely terrible. I am sorry for your nephew, that is an awful thing to have happen to someone. 
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
We did talk about that, but guess what? She went there 3x in the past. She stayed in a shelter for a couple of days even. The last time he wasn't in her face constantly anymore, or driving behind her always like he had been, he sent her a message via hotmail or yahoo messenger, I forget which. anyway, they told her there is nothing they can do to help her. Again, because she was not threatened. They did tell her to seek counseling for PTSD and gave her a few resources for that, and also offered group counseling for the assaults.
Just a spam email, or a hello how are you are you still mad at me I want to be your friend message, means absolutely nothing to the law or First Step. It has to be much more serious than this for them to intervene. FS does not have the resources to cover this, what they have led me to believe, trivial event. So she is at her wits end, with no resources and no one to help.
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
29 Jan 12
I feel for her. She needs to document every time he comes near her, calls her or anything. This she needs to take to the police. It would be better if she had proof of his physical abuse in the past. Did she turn him in for his previous misconduct? If she did not it will be hard for her to prove that he has done this especially since he got the PPO first. One of my personal friends went through this as well. She lived with him for 2 years while he abused her. The cops were called several times but she always went back to him afterwards. She did put a restraining order on him and then violated it herself by calling him. Finally after all of this time she has left him and he is right now sitting in jail because he has violated his restraining order several times. Your friend needs to stay calm and not let him upset her. The action of her writing him just gives him more power over her. That is what these types of people want... power over someone they feel is helpless. Documentation is the key and she needs to speak with a lawyer if all else fails.
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
She did document everything, but after several years, gave up because all it does is stress her out even more. Taking things to the pd or womans shelter did not do a darned bit of good, and the police did kinda start harassing HER. They were rude to say the least. Once her car was hit in the front of her old place, and the police were called. Someone had ran into the neighborwomans car and totaled it (hahahahahaha!)and that car ran into her dodgy landlords car, that ran into her car. Hers was a stick, and ended up rolling a whole space. The police did not believe her car had been hit, and acted like butheads towards her! All she wanted was a police report in case something was wrong with her car............. They had told her they would put both of them in jail if she called again for the stalking! Can you imagine?
@deodavid (4147)
• Philippines
29 Jan 12
Hi there rosegardens,
I dont know anyone who had been stalked before like your friend is now , but this really pisses me off because a person doing what he does should be beaten up once so that he will learn his lesson and be placed on a list that he is this way, i just think the police can do more.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
I agree, it seems like they can do more but I don't know the law very well. I know that in our state the stalking laws are very strict. You have no idea the nightmare this girl has gone through with the legal system and this guy. I think yes, if the law cannot or will not intervene, then someone must so she will be finally left alone. But neither of us know anyone that would do this.
@shimi18 (98)
• Philippines
29 Jan 12
uh oh! this sounds so scary. But i can relate to her, I also had an ex boyfriend who threatened me, that if ever i'm gonna break up with him, he'll destroy me, using black mail or everything he can do just to put me down. but i got tired of him, and eventually broke up with him. but nothing happened. well, about your friend, cant she move up to another place where her ex bf can no longer follow her? or why not ask for someone to be with her in the house? is she all alone? that's pretty scary if she is. all she can do is to avoid that guy, coz in think, talking with that psycho wont work. i do think he's a psycho, a normal man won't do that creepy things, its too much of stalking.
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
She is rather poor, so moving is not an option for her. It is terrible when someone has to move just to get away from some psycho that should be put in jail. 
I am sorry you had such an experience, and very happy to hear you have not seen nor heard from him since then. You are one lucky and very blessed lady!
I am sorry you had such an experience, and very happy to hear you have not seen nor heard from him since then. You are one lucky and very blessed lady!
@Hatley (163773)
• Garden Grove, California
28 Jan 12
oh rosegardens I was so lucky back when I was twenty. I was a nurse's
aide. I too k care of this handsomne young man just 19 who had had his tonsils out.He showed He really l iked me but I did not return the favor as he was still very young.At twenty I was much more mature. I had no feelings for him. But he would call me at work which the staff hated, then send me presents which I just dumped. Finally hoping perhaps to appeal to his common sense I did agree to have dinner with him in a very public restaurant where there were lots of people. He took my coming there as a sign I wanted him. He proposed after he handmed a wedding ring set, most expensive. I told him I was flattered but no I did not love him hence I cou ld not marry him.He went crazyh , throwing the ring set on the floor and before I could
move he was on mt, his hands around my throat. I almost suffovated
before two big waiters p;ulled him off me.he had screamed ,"If you don't marry me I will not let you marry anyone else." the manager had called the police and he was arrested as I pressed charges. His father somehow got him free and shipped him off to new Jersey to an aunt, A year later I read that this same man was arrested and sent to prison for 20 years for attempted murder of a young girl he had again stalked.
to me once a stalker always, they are criminals with criminal
minds. they do not love they control and try to possess.
when he is so careful I am not sure what she could do unless move to another country/these men are really criminals and so dangerous too. surely she could again take out a restraining order on him, as he is terrorizing her.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3032)
• United States
29 Jan 12
You are so lucky! God certainly had your back girl. Thank goodness the parents had enough sense to send him away from you. Lord, have mercy!
She doesn't want to even try to get a restraining order because she did try a few times when it was really heated, when he lived next door to her. The judge would not grant it for her for some reason. So now she won't even try.
