Why the need to lie?
By Lexy2012
@Lexy2012 (8)
January 31, 2012 3:52pm CST
My fiance (39) and I (40)have been in a long distance relationship going on 3 years, he is in the UK and I am here in the US. Until recently everything seemed to be fine. We see each other maybe once or twice a year, whichever we are financially able to do. However we talk (phone, IM or email) on a daily basis, and when we talk it is 2-3 hours long. I do love him very much, and I was positive he felt the same way. However, I am confused by some of his actions, which I can't get a straight answer out of him, so hoping a third party can maybe give me some insight to what they thing.
So a little bit of history on our process. He asked me to marry him in January of 2011, and we decided to make the US our home together since I am more stable here. I applied for my Citizenship the same month, and became a US Citizen in August of 2011. The next process is to apply for a Fiance visa for him to come join me here in the states. He said he mailed those documents to me, however they got 'lost' in the mail. He then said if they didn't turn up soon he would resent them by the end of September 2011, however that never happened because he just got served with a debt judgement for something that happened about 5 years ago, and that he needed to pay this for the next 3 month to clear his record and thought it be better if we held of until it's cleared, which is last payment was in December of 2011, he now shows a clear record. He said he would mail the documents this last Saturday, however he was not able to do that because he was 'called in to work' so didn't have the time to do it, and since this is his second week on a new job, he hardly could tell his boss no. So now he is saying he will do so this coming Friday.
Ok, now to the lying part, I caught him in a lie during the last week of December. He told me he was suffering from food poisoning and was not able to spend any time with me online. On a side note, he lost his job April of 2011 and had been unemployed until about 2 weeks ago. But back to the story...I found out fairly quickly that being sick was a lie, and felt he was trying to avoid me for some reason. When I tried to confront me he told me I was mental and that he could proof to me that he was ill from an email that he got from his mates about being ill themselves because they ate the same food. Well I got that email and it turned out to be a complete fraud and I proved to him the same, basically he created four email addresses and created a chain of emails going back and forth, however I was able to proof to him that he is the one that actually fabricated the email. At that point he admitted that he was 'fibbing' about being sick, and that he just needed some time to think about stuff, because he felt like I was withdrawing from him. So we talked things out and I made clear to him that in a long distance relationship all we have is trust, and that I can't see us building a marriage on lies, and with something like this, the extend he went through to cover up his lie, made me loose all trust that I had in him. So fast forward a month later NOW... I just caught him in yet another lie, he was supposed to finally mail out those documents last Saturday, but couldn't because he supposedly had to work. Well I just found out that he in fact spend the day with a male friend of his. When I confronted him about not believing him having had to work, he flat out insist that he in fact did. I haven't told him yet that I knew he spend the day with his friend. So again we had an argument about it, I again told him that I could not this again, that I need him to be honest with me. I told him that after the last lie (food poison) that I took off my engagement ring because I think we need to evaluate where our relationship is at this point. I am confused of where to go from here. I did told him again that we could not build a successful marriage on lies, and that I felt that other things are more important then getting those papers out to me to move to the next step. I did ask him both times if he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and if he no longer wanted to go through with everything then to please let me know so now, before we go any further, as I don't see any sense in dragging this out, if he no longer wishes to marry me. But he keeps insisting that he loves me and wants me just the same, that he wants me to be his wife and that he can't wait to build a life together with me, and that it is just random stuff that keeps throwing hurdles in our way.
But he keeps lying to me, like I said I haven't told him that I know he spend the day with his buddy, I don't even know if it's worth to bother bringing it up at this point. As it would happened last night I realized I just caught him in yet another lie, it could be a mistake but I'm not sure, there was one day he claimed his internet was out so could not email me, so he tried to call me both on my cell and work number, but for some reason he did not get an answer and wanted to verify if he had the correct numbers, well he had my old phone number which I changed about 3-4 month prior to that. Well this happened just 2 weeks ago when he got the new job same day actually. While going through some paperwork, I came across a packing slip of a Christmas gift that he sent me from an online retailer, well on that my name, address and CURRENT Cell number was listed, which I got before Christmas, so I actually DID have my number, it could be a mistake or it could be yet another lie.
I just don't understand why all these lies, and they are for stupid reasons of all things. I am 90% certain he is faithful to me, because of his circumstances and that he does spend almost every night with me for hours. I'm just not sure what to do anymore and I did ask him flat out if we should just end it, but he claims that is not what he wants. But then I don't get all these lies. I am at the point that I think I should end this relationship, but know in my heart that is not what I want to do. I am just tired of all this game playing and drama, we are grown adults and I would have thought we would be past that stage. Sorry for the long post, and would appreciate any constructive input of what you may think of all this.
2 people like this
9 responses
@Mashnn (4501)
•
1 Feb 12
This is a story of another man who is hiding something and unwilling to commit himself right now. First, when someone start lying two or three times just to satisfy his deeds, this is the high time that you start questioning and know that there is something serious going on with his life.
From my own personal view, there are three possible reasons that would make him to behave this way, one of them could be the guy is either married and he already has a stable relationship with another woman or he even has kids. The other other reason would be, he might by a gay(sound weird but this would still be a possibility) and the last reason would be, he is not yet ready to settle down now.
What then do I suggest you to do which can help you in finding out whether he is ready or committed to the relationship, tell him that since he seems to be very busy, you will be the one giving him a visit so that you can bring along with you the documents. Then from the way he reacts, you will know whether he is hiding something or not. Just do not tell him the specific date that you will be going.
@Lexy2012 (8)
•
1 Feb 12
Thank you Mashnn for your reply.
I'm pretty sure it's not your first possibility. I know he has been married in the past, and is now divorced, he does have children which I know of. I just visited him for 3 weeks in the UK the middle of last year. I have met his mom, brother and some of his friends, and have spend some time together with all of them. Everyone seems well aware of me and our plans for the future. Some even started making plans to visit us, lol.
As to him being gay, I don't think so, but yea if he is still in the closet then I would have no idea about it.
Maybe like another poster mentioned he may have a case of cold feet. As the engagement was completely his idea, as I did not expect it at all.
I actually was thinking about doing something similar, more of an unannounced visit all together. One of those Pop in out of nowhere and go "Hi Love, look who's here?" This may still be an option for me down the road, as currently due to work load is not something I can do. But has been on my mind.
@angelako (280)
• Italy
1 Feb 12
Its really hard when its a long distance relationship,You cannot tell if what they all say is true or a lie,Its better when you find someone you always see and be with him now and then.Though i am in the same of your situation because my husband is italian and i am from philippines.We maintain the trust by being consistent chatting and he visit me 2 times a year until such time i go with him here in italy.sometimes there are doubt but you can really feel if the other parties turn lying.so we should be aware on this situation.
@Lexy2012 (8)
•
1 Feb 12
Hi angelako, thank you for your reply. It is hard having a long distance relationship, but the benefit of starting out that way, is that you get to know the person on a different level. Initially you don't have the physical attraction that interferes with your mind. That made sense in my head :D
We do talk almost everyday on chat (AIM, Skype) or by phone, maybe 1-2 days out of the week that we only talk to by email, and we visit each other as often as we can, which turns out to about the same as you, I go to see him once a year and vice versa. So we are in fact doing the same, but the lies have still popped up. I am computer savy enough to tell where he is when he emails or chat's me and I listen to my inner alarm bells when they go of...or should I call it the BS meter? Anyways, so I know he is where he claims to be, plus I can call him at the oddest times, which I have and he will answer both the home phone or his cell without a problem or seeming upset about it, he always seems happy to hear from me.
Thank you again, and good luck on your journey with your husband. :)
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
1 Feb 12
I think there are two possibilities
He's hiding something - and it could be something completely unimportant to you, but something - and it creates this pattern for him where he lies in response to a normal situation. He could easily have told you that he was spending time with a friend and wasn't available to talk to you online that day, but instead he told a pointless lie. I think these pointless lies show that he has started lying out of habit. It just depends whether what he was hiding is important, and if you can get over the lying.
The other possibility is that he is just stringing you along.
I think something happened and he;s trying to fix it and in the meantime he doesn't want to tell you about it so he's making up dumb lies. This puts him in the habit of lying. It can only really be broken by him telling you what's actually happening.
@Lexy2012 (8)
•
1 Feb 12
Thank you cutepenguin, I think you may have nailed it on the head with your possibilities. I know he's told me in the past that he would go out with his mates and have a drink, which has and will always be cool with me.
He's done this before where he hit something from me, not really lied about it, unless you can call an omission a lie. Which was the fact that his mom and brother moved back to the family home, she was ill and his brother lost his job as well, earlier that year. So they moved in together for financial reasons, but he waited till I was on the way to the airport to visit him to tell me, that they actual both live there as well. He was embarrassed that I would think less of him, since at his age he is again living with mom. So it was stupid to wait for it, but not a reason to end the relationship over.
I wonder if because I keep asking about the paperwork, and something that happened and him trying to fix it is the reason he is lying, as to trying to avoid confrontation. Which is not cool with me, and which needs to be sorted out. I guess it comes down to what it really is...So again I think taking a breather, sorting everything out and then making a decision and outlining what is acceptable to both of us is a good plan...I hope at least.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
1 Feb 12
Hi Lexy,
Welcome to Mylot. Wow..I hate to say it but I see a lot of red flags in your relationship with this man. I do hope you pay attention to them before going further.
The lying is concerning. Sure, they are over little things which makes you wonder how truthful he would be if faced with a bigger issue. Also, these are just the ones you have CAUGHT him in. You must wonder how many you have possibly missed. I'm sure once you caught him the first time, your eyes were open and you were looking closer. Once trust is gone, it is very hard to get back. Even if he stopped lying...if you don't trust him, it will lead to problems.
The fact that he keeps stalling on mailing the documents. Seriously...he seems to always have an excuse! How hard and time consuming is it to put them in an envelope and mail them off to you?
He seems to have trouble holding a job if I followed your story right. That can lead to future problems as well.
I don't know. I hope you give this more time and thought and focus on what YOU want in a relationship rather than whether or not he still wants this. Do you really want a man whom you can't trust and you are not confident that he loves you?
@Lexy2012 (8)
•
1 Feb 12
Hi sid566, thank you for your reply.
I agree with you, that's why I am here I guess reaching out to others to see what outsiders, someone that has no vested interest. Just to see, what they have to say, maybe something that I haven't thought of, and I do appreciate all the reply's so far. Everyone has been very kind and I appreciate that.
Right now I think I will either speak to him on the phone, or send him an email,later tonight after a little more thinking on my part, and basically lay it out for him, that for now the wedding is off. That I want him to think about all of what has happened, and come to terms with something, to make a decision and then let me know. But the lying has to stop and has to be truly sorted out before this goes any further, Period! He needs to decide if he wants to move forward with this relationship and is ready to have and honest and open relationship, or if he just rather wants to call it quits. Whatever may be the outcome, to let me know. But until then, I don't see a reason to have anymore contact until he has had time to really think about what it is that he wants.
But whatever the outcome, thank you all for your advice and support, it is greatly appreciated!
@sulsisels (1685)
• United States
31 Jan 12
Hi Lexy From what you have explained here I think that marriage should be put on the back burner for now. If he is lying to you now, and obviously he is, what will happen later, when you are married? I think he might have a case of cold feet, or he is listening to his mates who for whatever reason are against the marriage. In any case, postponing the wedding is the right thing to do for now. If this behavior is happening now, what is going to happen later? You guys need to spend time together in the same country and when you do, you will know what is what. It may hurt not but it would hurt a lot more if he is unfaithful or lying after the wedding. I'm sure you will do the right thing. Listen to your instincts because they are almost always right. Better to find all this out now. Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.
@Lexy2012 (8)
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1 Feb 12
Thank you sulsisels this is sound advice, and something I have considered. But with all the questions bouncing around in my head I just wasn't sure which route to take. I think time for a little breathing room and sorting everything out on my own and given him the same option is the best bet at this point. I'm not sure if this relationship is salvageable, but after three years I think given each other some time to figure stuff out would be the fair plan.
@eljayo (1105)
• Philippines
1 Feb 12
Hi! Some people lie to protect themselves or somebody. But in a relationship lying is not really required. Honesty is needed to build a good foundation.If you build your foundation with lies, it will easily be torn apart once truth is revealed. Sometimes the truth can be painful but it is better than be hurt because of lie. I hope will know the truth and be enlightened what to do.
@Lexy2012 (8)
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1 Feb 12
Hi eljayo, thank you for your reply. I agree with what you said.
Someone just recently told me this. "Truth, as painful as it can sometimes be, is always the best policy" Which I agree to, but the're so many variations of lies out there that it's hard to decide where do you draw the line? So with that said I like to live by this rule my mom used to tell me. "Not all lies are bad. It is the intent to deceive that is bad." For example if someone was sick in the hospital or something along those line, and you fear it's not good, but you tell your partner or friend that you think everything will be ok. It's still a lie, but it was said to comfort the other person.
@marie2052 (3691)
• United States
2 Feb 12
I am sure you have heard the words "love is blind".
You are answering your own questions about his lies.
Girl give him some space. If he genuinely loves you, he will contact you.
Also be very leary if he comes up saying he needs money. that is a sign there too its the money he loves not you.
sometimes hon long distance relationships work but you have had to had a very good relationship before the long distance part ever got started.
From all you have said I smell a rat.
And you need to wise up take care of #1 and if #2 wises up and decides he wants to follow through coming over to the US, then you know he cares. If you back off and find he is backing off, maybe you need to rethink this relationship.
whatever you do I wish you well. breaking up is never easy to do but a lot harder when you are the one investing in the fool that is letting you invest time, money, or anything else he needs or wants from you than genuine love and respect.
If there is no respect then there cant be love. And darlin right now you do not respect this person because you are tryinng to figure out what is real and what is lie.
Dump the idiot if it continues. You can find better and most likely DESERVE BETTER!
Good Luck hon
and welcome to Mylot!
@kisstin (93)
• Philippines
6 Feb 12
As long as whatever he may did or done or what he liked to do. It doesnt affects what he feels about you. You and Him should talk about things or do counseling. Marriage is a long process if both minds are not completely settled to be settled you are in a long way ......
