Ex-boyfriend moving here.
By TinkerKitty
@TinkerKitty (52)
United States
February 2, 2012 9:54am CST
An ex-boyfriend from 8th grade is having a hard with his love life at home. I told him that I had moved a few months ago - three hours away from him. Suddenly, he thinks it's a good idea for him to not only move, but move close to me. He said that he only had "one reason to move, and that reason is enough." He hasn't outright said that he's moving to be closer to me, but all of the not-so-subtle hints ("you're a great friend, and I've always liked you more than that") have me 99% certian I'm the reason.
I can't tell him not to move, that's his choice. Some people are still blaming him for a car accident a few years ago where the passenger didn't make it, so maybe a new begining will help. But I don't want him moving just because he wants to be closer to me in hopes I'll go back out with him. I will say no (and feel horrible about it), but I've mentioned to someone else that lying will only make things worse in the end.
I'm thinking about posting a Facebook status saying "At least I learned not to date ex-boyfriends," without mentioning names. There are going to be a lot of confused people, but maybe he'll get the hint? Does anyone else have better ideas?
5 responses
@Danjoish (14)
• United States
3 Feb 12
You described him as an ex-boyfriend from 8th grade, a status that does not mean much moving forward. It's fine to have empathy for him and wish him well, but if you're not interested (and it sounds like you aren't) then you need to set up some boundaries. Asking you out and saying he likes you more than a friend make his intentions clear, but moving closer to you is also pretty aggressive. If he really needs a friend, chances are it shouldn't be someone he's romantically interested in.
Also, you mention the car accident in a very compassionate way, but in terms of looking out for yourself, depending on the circumstances of the crash and why people blame him, it might also be concerning.
@TinkerKitty (52)
• United States
3 Feb 12
I tried to tell him that he needs more friends, but he just gave me how some people blame him for the accident, he's been on a lot of bad dates, people just use him for his money, and other excuses. It takes a lot of effort not to rant and say "this attitude is exactly why you DON'T have any friends!" But, I remember the people he hung out with in high school. I know that our mutual friends are not desperate enough to use people. So really, does he have as few friends as he says he does?
Moving is an aggressive move, but he's also the guy who only got me to say yes in 8th grade because he sat next to me and would not shut up. It was annoying, so I gave up and said "whatever" instead of "no." Broke up with him a week later, which was close the the end of the quarter, so we got a new seating chart. Still annoying, but at least I could get my work done easier.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
3 Feb 12
He was your ex-boyfriend so I think it won't be too difficult for you to ask him directly whether what he meant is to be closer to you and get back together with you. It will be hard if you allow him to move with you and you don't like him anymore. It will be uncomfortable.
@TinkerKitty (52)
• United States
3 Feb 12
I would have thought that after breaking up with him and spending nearly nine years saying "no" every time he asks for a date, he'd get that I don't like him. Admittedly, during high school he asked less often.
@soulist (2985)
• United States
2 Feb 12
You can ask him point blank if his reason to moving closer to you is infact you and if he says yes tell him honestly how you feel. You say hes an ex from 8th grade and I am assuming you are out of high school. Don't make him think 1) something could happen or 2) that you are avoiding him. He said you are a great friend and it seems like he might need a good friend right now.
@anncherry (406)
• Philippines
3 Feb 12
The comment above is the most straightforward and sensible answer to your problem. Posting a status on Facebook will just send him mixed signals and the message will not be properly conveyed.
*thumbs up to soulist!* :)
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
2 Feb 12
Sorry but it sounds to me you don't know your ex very well but also that you somehow invited him.
Tell him straight away he is EXIT and it will be that way. And if he still moves over: ignore, don't go out, don't call or answer his calls.
And if it comes to fb write down: married!
@TinkerKitty (52)
• United States
2 Feb 12
I have it so that I look offline to him right now, and most of the time. He had a decent relationship back in high school, so I had (stupidly, I guess) thought he was over me.
That Facebook thing would normally be a good idea. The problem is that no one would believe me. (None of my real friends, at least) And I have family on there, so I don't need a bunch of "Why didn't you invite me!?" or have them call my mom in a panic.
@Luciano63 (157)
• France
2 Feb 12
Hi, I am sorry but I think that in relationships it is always better to be straight saying how things are. So I believe it is better not to post messages but to talk clearly to make sure he can make his move without being in a way misleaded by you.
@TinkerKitty (52)
• United States
3 Feb 12
He hasn't mentioned moving again, so I'm hoping it was just a random idea that he decided wasn't very well thought out. If he does bring it up, I'm pretty sure that's my only option.
