Do you think it would change things?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
February 4, 2012 8:37am CST
The other day I started a discussion about men who avoid paying child support. This really ticks me off for so many reasons. Mostly because it's just not fair. It's not fair to the person who is raising the child that they get no help doing so by the person who helped create the child!
What's worse though is that the moms don't have these same choices the dads do. Guys can go around and get multiple women pregnant.. sometimes they might not even know they have children until they're served with papers to appear in court for child support. Other times they get a girl pregnant, get scared, and run off never to be heard of again.
But these girls, they don't have those options. They can choose to give the child up, but that's a hard choice, even if you know you don't have the means to raise a child at the time. So generally they just have the child and do the best they can, though it's really tough.
I know because I was there. I got pregnant at 16 and the dad didn't even know it. When he found out, all he could do was convince me to put the child up for adoption because it would ruin my life.. but I think he really only cared about it ruining his. When I went to court to get child support, he asked me if we could settle it outside of court. I said no. He was only ordered to pay $50 a month.. and at the time I didn't even care. At the time I was planning on having my husband adopt my son so I only went to child support so we knew how to contact bio-dad when it came time to proceed with the adoption. But then we couldn't afford the adoption fees, so that all fell through, but I appreciated the child support since money was always tight. However, in the 10 years I've been getting child support, I was only paid every other month in the summer, and never in the winter. Then I heard recently that the child support is starting to come dirctly out of his paychecks, I'm now getting $35 every other week.. but still only in the summer. So he says he wants to work something out so it doesn't come out of his paychecks because it makes him look bad.
Well didn't I look bad when I was pregnant in high school? Didn't I look bad dragging a baby around with me at 17 and 18 years old? I still sort of look bad in my tiny little suburban community where everyone is Christian and old fashioned and I have a mixed family because my oldest son is black while the rest of my kids are white, and my oldest son has a different last name than the rest of us. Not that we're judged.. the people in my community are very nice and I know most of them well by now.. but still.. I am the one dealing with all the responsiblity of raising my son.. his father gets off scott free just having some child support taken out of his paycheck and it only makes him look bad because he's not responsible enough to pay for the child he helped create.
Honestly, I don't really care about that though. I love my life the way it is, and I like that he's never been involved because that would complicate things with my family the way it is now. My younger children would have questions, my husband may have had doubts about my loyalty if my son's father were still in the picture when we first met (he wouldn't now because he knows how I feel, but when a single guy meets a mom, I"m sure there's a part of him that wonders if she'll ever rekindle the old flame with the child's dad)... I don't need or want that drama in my life.
Anyways, to the point of this discussion.. do you think things would be different if it were the guy that got pregnant instead of the girl? Do you think he'd shirk his responsiblities so easily if he carried the child for 9 months? Do you think women would run in the opposite direction when the guy they're with got pregnant?
Considering how irrisponsible some men are, and how caring most women are.. I think I understand why nature is the way it is. If men were the ones getting pregnant, I don't see most of them being responsible enough to stop drinking and smoking and start eating better for the health of the baby. I also don't see them being as caring for the child as women are, in general. I know there are exceptions to these rules, I know there are some irresposible women and very caring men.. I'm just thinking more or less of these men who become deadbeat dads.
Do you think things would be better or worse if deadbeat dad's were the one to get pregnant?
3 people like this
6 responses
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
20 Feb 12
Sounds like he was trying to wiggle out of paying more then the $50 he was. Men can be whiners. If it was them that was taking care of the child they would be the first ones with their hands out for more and more money because they couldn't manage as well or be as spend thrifty as a woman. They would be asking for more help in everything..food clothes..essentials..and everything else. a man would possibly have a list and then keep receipts and try to make the woman pay half of everything...which I say is a good idea.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
22 Feb 12
Yes for the childs needs need to come first. I know a few..and they don't pull their weight in the caretaking. It is one reason the children didn't have any birthday parties this year. He used the money to take his new girlfriend and her kids out...So didn't have any money he said to contribute to the party.
@AmbiePam (93739)
• United States
5 Feb 12
Why is the state so lax about his payments? That's so wrong. There was a guy in a church I used to go to who found out he had a daughter. He had been married for five years and got a call that he had a ten year old daughter. Apparently the woman had gotten pregnant and hadn't told anyone who the father was. She went on welfare, and of course the government was like, why are we paying out when there is a father who should be helping? So they got the name from the woman and lo and behold he finds out he has a daughter. So he started not only paying child support to the woman, but back child support to the state to make up for what he should have been paying all along.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Feb 12
He lives in a different state, so that makes things complicated.
I sort of feel bad for the guy from your church. That's not exactly fair. It's not like he was purposely ignoring his responsibilities, he didn't know.. but now if he doesn't pay all that money in back child support, they can go after his paychecks or whatever. I don't know the laws in your state, but in mine, they eventually take away your license and if you still don't pay they throw you in jail. But they aren't really aggressive on this.. the mom has to constantly be calling down to the child support office for them to actually do anything if she's not getting the support.
But then you know it goes both ways. I bet that mom is smiling at herself knowing how much money she has coming her way, and that's sort of sick knowing what's going on at his end. She should have come forward immediately and not waited all these years to let the guy know he has a child.
@AmbiePam (93739)
• United States
5 Feb 12
I felt sorry for him too, but more so for his wife. She had been praying for them to have a child, and then pops up this child he already had. I don't think that was what she was hoping for. Sadly, the girl he found out to be his daughter grew up to get pregnant at sixteen just like her mother.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
4 Feb 12
I think it would be about the same. these days its not like it was. now if the dad ends up with the child, the mother is supposed to pay child support! i know because my daughter is having to pay it. because she had no place to take her kids when getting out of an abusive relationship, plus, the dad had the home because his employer is letting him live there for the work and care of the place. so, not today. no difference! 
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Feb 12
I imagine that was a tough choice to make, but it was a smart one. It's good the kids have stability and security instead of having to struggle while she figured out how she was going to support them after getting out of the relationship. Though I see nothing wrong with her needing to pay child support. Regardless of which parent is the absent one, they should both be responsible for caring for their children. Having children is not something you can walk away from when life gets tough.
@Graceekwenx (3160)
• Philippines
4 Feb 12
Hi katsmeow... You know... i too am concerned with single moms as there are many of them in my country. I think it is in the nature of women to be very sacrificial and dedicated when it comes to their kids or family. that being said, i think it would be worse if the deadbeat dads get pregnant because they would care less about their babies.
@bounce58 (17385)
• Canada
6 Feb 12
I think the world would be upside down if the guys were the ones getting pregnant and burdened with the resposnibilities. I think part of the reason that some end up to be deadbeat dads is the fact that some can really just walk away. If the guys were the ones carrying the babies for 9 months, I'm thinking that they would be the one having the nurturing nature.
It's unfair.
And sadly, some guys take advantage of this inequality.
@ShyBear88 (59347)
• Sterling, Virginia
5 Feb 12
No I don't think things would change if a men got pregnant or not. Not matter what man or women you always have a choice if you want to have your child or not. No one can tell you the parent of the child you have or having that you can't have them for what ever reason. I do agree that if a child at 16,17 or young isn't ready for a child themselves. Having a child that young has a lot of hard times on both or one of that parents. Some people end up marrying the person that got them pregnant for a few years and then get divorced others stay together for a while, others just co-parent which is better for a young child if your unsure the relationship will last and that is at any age. I tell people to wait till high school is over before having kids cause you have better luck getting a better job to support a child on your own if that is what someone choices or co parent. I know if me and my husband got divorced I would file of child support it took two to make a baby that means it takes two to still some what raise a child weather he wants to see our kids or not. If he didn't pay you bet my pretty mommy head I'll be calling him up left in right for the money and taking him to court till he gives me the money. This why a lot of courts take the money out of the pay check so that whom ever has the kids mother or father. I would tell any parent that has full custody of there child to take the other parent to court or settling with lawyers how much will be paid out side of family court. I even suggested it to my husband's sister because her boyfriend really doesn't want her to have his son in a few months. Well she hopes he'll come around and I don't really think he will since he isn't really into being with her for any of her appointments and stuff. Also since he was the one to say she should have an abortion it kind of ticked me off a bit to the point I don't even like him more now then the last two years.
