How do you learn tact?
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (166761)
Boise, Idaho
February 19, 2012 5:19pm CST
My granddaughter has come to stay indefinitely. Ugh! She and I get along for about three days and then we clash like crazy. She is very loud, obnoxious and unappropriate. I am used to quiet and having time to myself. She is bugging me constantly to use my computer. She yells at my grandson as sister/brother stuff go down. She makes it very hard for life to go on as usual and my grandson's routine is disrupted. He has a mood disorder and needs to be on a routine.
I had guardianship of her for about twelve years and it didn't end well. She became physical with me and I had to put her into foster care. Then she was going to go to college and never did. She is the type that tells you what she thinks you want to hear. It really gets old after a while.
She came here telling us she could help out with groceries and put forth which she hasn't. Every thing she said when she came here last Saturday hasn't happened. I have tried to remain quiet and just let the fur fly and be as tactful as possible. It hasn't worked. She is mean to my grandson and disrupts the house. So I butt in. My daughter is the one who told her she could come here and stay without talking to me at all. She knew i would say no because it always ends badly.
Any ideas?
5 people like this
11 responses
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
19 Feb 12
At her age I think she is beyond change, the only thing I can suggest is maybe sitting down with her and have a real heart to heart talk with her and try and instill in her that she must try to blend in to keep the harmony, good luck my friend.
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
19 Feb 12
She has been here a week. I have tried that three times.
4 people like this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
19 Feb 12
Maybe you have to scare her a little and say she has to fit in to help all to be happy or else other arrangements will have to be made, wveryone must be happy in your home, the world does not revolve around one member, I know how older people can be and is probably hard for them to change but everyone must be happy not just them, I know you are in a difficult position but we all just get one chance in life to be happy you can't let one person no matter who they are put a damper on your happy home.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
25 May 12
She was made to leave by the landlord. Bad back history.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
20 Feb 12
Oh no...I hate to hear that. It can be hard to have tact when put under such pressures so I commend the efforts for sure. Perhaps there will come a time when there is no need for tact. You shouldn't have to worry about that in your home. I do hope that she gets a place and moves on soon. I know how much this kind of company can disrupt things...that is a understatement...I know.
I'm thinking of you and wishing you luck.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
I thank you and I guess that was most of what I was looking for when I decided to vent on here. I, like you, keep things to myself and don't vent on here much. But I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Hard for people to understand such a weird situation.
1 person likes this
@emdjay23 (1575)
• Philippines
19 Feb 12
just my suggestion,why don't you accompany her to a shrink(psychiatrist)?because you say that she has mood disorders,but i'm not saying she is crazy or what.maybe your grand daughter have so many problems or agonies that she's keeping to herself,or is she being bullied?or maybe her mother can talk to her about her heart to heart.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
OMG! She won't go. When she was a teen and I was trying to get her to go to a counselor/psychitrist I ended up using the time slot myself because she wouldn't. My grandSON has the mood disorder. My granddaughter is bi-polar and won't take meds for it. Her mom is very good at mothering. She is more like a teenager mentally. She has a learning disability and is also bi-polar. And the saga goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
2 people like this
Well i'ts really hard to deal to a person with a bi-polar disorder because of severe mood swings i guess.
@GardenGerty (160626)
• United States
19 Feb 12
Get a lock for your bedroom. Allow your grandson to come to you for "safe harbor" to get out of the storminess of her being there. She has a baby, right? Who is taking care of the baby? You and your daughter need to get on the same page about when she will contribute, and how much. How does this fit with your lease?
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160626)
• United States
20 Feb 12
I can see the custody thing happening. It looks like she is not able to take care of the baby and is abandoning him. I am sure that is not her intention, but that is what she is setting herself up for. Maybe you guys can get her to make one step at a time. It may seem totally overwhelming. I take it that the daddy of the baby is not supportive or kind in any way. I think your daughter wants to get along with both you and her daughter and that makes it hard to make any progress in this situation. Your grandson is fortunate to have you in his life and available for him.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
I do have a lock on my door. I always have told my grandson he can come to me. Yes, she does have a baby. A year old in August. He stays most of the time at his paternal grandparents. I did take the opportunity to talk to my daughter about things i had on my mind and she agreed with me. But my daughter wants a good relationship with her daughter so she may back step on some she agreed to. I hope not. i told my granddaughter soon after she moved in here that she needed to get job, get a place and get her son. She left the room as if I had hurt her feelings. I am just afraid that the paternal grandparents will try to get full custody legally at some point. She will be devestated but I don't blame them a bit. We had to let housing know right away that she is here. Our lease reads that we can only have people stay here for a day or two. i just wish she would do what she says she will do instead of saying what she knows we want to hear.
3 people like this
@deodavid (4150)
• Philippines
20 Feb 12
Wow this is a tough one, but I think you should kick her out if she is like that and people are bothered, and besides it's your house, maybe give her a shot, give her an ultimatum if she doesn't clean up her act she can pack and leave but if she is good then you'll let her stay yet under constant watch. And tell your daughter that she should have told you about this at least you and your grandson could have atleast prepared.
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
Ya, i would love to just kick her out but she has no place to go. She better get in and find a job.
2 people like this
@SassyBrat (463)
• Canada
20 Feb 12
First and foremost, your granddaughter needs to learn fast that she is in YOUR home, and YOUR rules. It sounds like she has been allowed to run ragged and is making everyone miserable.
I would definitely set boundaries and be as firm as you can with her. I had to do this with children I had guardianship over, it took about six weeks of being consistent, and there were arguments, there were disagreements, but once they started to realize that they couldn't get away with things, things started to settle down.
Can you set up a routine with her. Talk to her and find out what she wants to have included in that routine? Children are ones who crave routine, and if she hasn't had it, than she will buck at first, but she will adjust.
Just make sure to be consistent.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
Yes, I agree that consistency is very important. My granddaughter is twenty so not a child. I am very good about setting up boundaries. She is jealous of my grnadson and is sort of loud and obnoxious with him. I am unsure how much of it is just sister/brother relations so I don't step in too much. My daughter isn't much as far as doing what is right.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
23 Feb 12
This girl needs an a$$ whooping probably long timer ago Thats no way to treat sonme one that has tried best to help her and she still needs to eat.
One kid son in laws brother lived with us for 3 years and the kids bought the food bought his cigs did other things for him and now when asked for him to help with something wants to get paid for it. Daughter throws a fit tells her hubby he owes them not the other way around .
was when he lived here they stopped asking hiom to do things left it up to me well it got done when I asked but not when they asked BUt I am so glad him and his mother have thier own place now!!!!
Ya can come stay till she moves out lolololol
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
22 Feb 12
I did just alittle bit ago. Blew it big time. She promised these things when she moved in on 2/11. I asked her what about these things? 'Oh, I'm waiting until the first and I going to go with Job Corps'. I asked why she didn't tell us that? No answer just put it back on us. Ya, blamed us for not giving her a structured life. Right! I tried to get her counseling and she refused to go, i set down rules and she would wait until i went to bed and then she would leave, I finally get H&W on board and they put her in a home for troubled kids. Lasts one month and then they decide they can't finance it anymore. Can you believe it?! One month is not any amount of time to give a kid any structure or help. She always tells me just what she thinks I want to hear. I'm just so over this crap. Back a nervous wreck again and no meds until the 3rd. i want to come live with you! 
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
20 Feb 12
I cannot offer you any realistic suggestions, dear friend, because I know that there is a lot more to this, than just reading what you are able to vent! From what I read, she has popped in and out of your life, disrupted it...moved on for a while, and pops back in again to stir the pot.
From where I am sitting, and attempting to understand...I am pushing my luck by saying; "I think your daughter needs to have a long chat with!" She, to me, is the one that should be bearing the responsibility of the unrest in your home! It is her daughter, and her daughter that is the problem! And it is your daughter that was deceitful to you..by telling her yes, when you would have said "NO!"
How big a load, does your daughter think you can bear? You are already caring for the grandson whom is sensitive to unrest in the home front! These are your daughter's children---is it NOT her responsibility? This goes way beyond Grandmother duties...as this is a time in your life, that you should be able to choose how your life plays out! I wish you well in this very, very complicated issue! Is she not able to take care of herself???
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
20 Feb 12
"Stop this crazy world, I want to get off!"...is how I would be feeling! This is TOOOOO much for you! You seem to have absolutely no rights..NO say, in your own home, whilst you have to be the facilitator of peace...and that is an absolutely impossible situation...you are the only stable person for your grandson, the anchor he needs in this world..and there is disruption all around! I don't know the nuances of your family systems in the U.S. but there has to be somewhere, you can go for guidance! The one key...how old is the grand-daughter? There has to be a time...in your life, when ALL the responsibility for the family unit is NOT yours! Wishe I could be of help!1 person likes this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
As you said there is alot more to this than I have been able to vent here. My daughter did not raise my granddaughter I did. My daughter has a learning disability and is more like a teenager herself. My commitment is to her and my grandson. My granddaughter is able to work but keeps telling me it is harder than I think it is. Bull! She put in a application online lastweek. That is all she did. I keep telling her that finding work is just like a job. Up early and get to these places and talk to the managers. Oh, no! Not her. She could find work if she wanted to. My total life has gone way beyond grandmother duties. Yet I do what needs to be done. I can't see my grandson in foster care so I stay on.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
23 Feb 12
I am committed to my daughter and my grandson, not to her. She would never of moved in here again if I had known. It was done without even talking to me. And the saga continues. I sure wish my life was normal and my kids were too.
@krajibg (11922)
• Guwahati, India
20 Feb 12
Hi celti,
he he, I can well guess your position. As I went on reading your post scenes of your grand mother yelling, and all started streaming before my eye and felt fr you. A person who loves quietness and time to herself is all disrupted.
What suggestion we can give you as you know better how to deal with such people. She has come to stay with you for good? Then you surely have to compromise with this or that. All the best....
3 people like this
@telmesh (1793)
•
20 Feb 12
Oh celtic I do feel for you I think I have said before my 8year old grandson has ADHD and has been so difficult his first school could not manage him. He has moved schools and it was not going well at first but he was awarded a helper at school who is very good and would not let him get away with much but if he was disruptive would take him out for a walk to calm down. The teacher is also very good and he as been able to improve.
Seems to me there is probably some jealousy on your granddaughters behalf of the attention that grandson gets.
I wish I could help with granddaughter situation but I must say your daughter shoving her on you is completely out of order when that failed in the past. It is obvious your granddaughter needs help to be responsible for herself but I do not know what to suggest. Some external support seems to required from professional bodies.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Feb 12
And she won't go to any counselor. When I had custody of her she refused to see a counselor so I used her time to vent to her counselor. Weird situation.
2 people like this
