Marry Now, Love Later...
By almightybong
@almightybong (186)
Philippines
March 6, 2012 8:14pm CST
I have a friend who I oppose strongly when it comes to the idea of both love and marriage. He would often say that I should find someone with a green card or schenggen visa and marry that person, and that I shouldn't worry about love too much as it will come, eventually. He would add that at times like this, I need to be wise and practical, and marrying such would open opportunities for me to go abroad. Sometimes, I hear the same from my family, as if it's something that I must do "out of reason of being practical." I usually answer, "What about love?" They would either laugh like crazy or be annoyed. Am I missing something? Is something wrong with me? I believe that there's sanctity in marriage and God knows how I want to fall head over heels in love. Am I being absurd to want something like that for myself? That I should be "wise and practical" first and foremost, before I think about my heart?
I am not against marrying someone foreign, but I wouldn't want getting a visa to be the reason why I'm marrying someone. I know how hard life is, right now, but I think I just put love on a pedestal, and no matter how hard life is, I wouldn't compromise the beauties of love. I think it is not only in these scenarios this can apply to. Sometimes, in desperation, people dive head first into a relationship first chance they can get, hoping that they can get to love the person as time goes by. There's a risk to it. A very big risk. What if one of you does fall in love, and the other doesn't? I know there are many people who's grown love after marrying someone, but most of the times, that order just doesn't work. So would you rather love someone first then decide to marry, or marry someone first then just let love find a way into your hearts?
2 people like this
22 responses
@choybel (5042)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
Some people view marriage as a business relationship and see what benefits there are to gain in such relationship before getting into it. I, however, believe in love and sanctity of this union by God. Nowadays, it's common to hear people getting married for other reasons except love, and I am starting to wonder where civilization is heading. I think love is one thing that makes us both human and divine and without it, we would just be another creature of wants and needs. I would rather marry because of love than let time teach me to love after being married.
@almightybong (186)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
That's exactly what I tell my family and friend whenever they convince me to find someone to marry. Every time I tell them, they make it seem like I'm the one with the insane thought. I think they're just confident saying it because they themselves are already married. I bet they would think it's absurd as well if they weren't married yet.
@choybel (5042)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
Maybe they see something in their marriage that doesn't work for them and so, without the intention of harm, they are advising you something they believe is right based on their experience or opinion. I hope you follow your heart and make a wise decision as well when the time comes. 
@Zh_Kosta (49)
• Bulgaria
7 Mar 12
I suppose that to marry for interests is not the wrong choise. I would do it, if I find a man that will take care of me, no matter that we are not inlove. Love comes with the time. When you have spend a lot of time with one person, you start feeling him/her very close.
After all we do not love our parents with the first minute of our birth, but with the years we learn how to love them. So why not a marriage without love.
@almightybong (186)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
Well, like I said, that could work as well. It's just that for me, marriage is not something we could do by trial and error. I know that you can optimistic and look forward to a relationship that might evolve to love, but that's not always a guarantee. Our parents will always be our parents all throughout our life, we can never replace them. Being partners in marriage is a diffrent discussion.
I am the kind who prefers to get to know that person first, fall in love with her, and then marry. I would like for our foundation to be love, not my passport, or someone else's decision.
@cyclopz (251)
• Sydney, Australia
11 Mar 12
I think it should always be love first then marry in all cases. If we would look at it, it is really wrong if we would be using marriage for the wrong reason and purpose. God created marriage not for the sole reason on getting a visa or others. I think people nowadays usually think about what they feel is much practical and sometimes because of that the true meaning of marriage gets lost already. As quoted from Mark 10:9 "What God has put together let no man put assunder." which i think refers to marriage.
If two people got married for the wrong purpose then they later realized that it won't work, it would really be a hassle for both parties especially when divorce is still not yet legalized in some countries and in some countries where it is already legalized it would require lots of time and paperwork to finish the process.
@conquer2012 (324)
• China
7 Mar 12
I don"t believe it any more. My friends are good examples. They never Knew each other before marriage. However, they became quite cLoSe after marrying. Maybe marry first ,then Love is an
effective way to against divorce.
@almightybong (186)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
Well, like I mentioned, not all marry first, love later stories aren't successful. I've heard many instances where it worked. It's just too risky for me I guess. I know that love requires risk, but this kind of risk may just be too much.
@CODYMAC (1356)
• San Diego, California
11 Mar 12
I think that it is a process of love than marriage. It is sometimes ok to do that. I heard of a guy who met a girl at a church singles meeting and had the ring the next day. True story. They are still married after MANY years. It is just how things work out bud, and you never know, It may work out great for you.... I hope that you have a great day...:) :)
@sherrybelle (707)
• United States
7 Mar 12
It seems as though you are more romantically inclined than some of the people you interact with. Your tendency to be romantic is a beautiful quality and a gift for the individual you eventually choose to marry.
I say...
If you marry for a reason other than love you might be marrying for the wrong reason. Different people have different goals and things they want to accomplish.
If LOVE is important to you then be patient until you have exactly what you're wishing for.
@almightybong (186)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
I'd like to think I am the romantic type. But other than that, I just have high regard for marriage and love. I mean, I can tell now that I am in love with the idea of love, so it's quite hard for me to digest what they have to say when they tell me that it is something I can learn after anyway. I wouldn't want to risk it. And it's just to risky. I can't ever imagine myself being proud to say that I have a visa in my passport but there's a large hole in my heart.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
7 Mar 12
There's no hard and fast rule as far as relationship is concern. I think the most important thing is that both parties are able to find the motivation to work on arriving to a common ground on understanding, agreement and find a way to complement one another.
Even with today's free will marriages, divorce rates are still climbing.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
8 Mar 12
Hmmm i still wouldn't do that but you cannot really deny that there are people doing that. They are being "practical".. but i still wouldn't go for it.
@yanzalong (18988)
• Indonesia
8 Mar 12
I think most marriages are based on love. They started to love each other and later decided to settle down. A few marriages are based on parents' choice, and this one is certainly is not based on love. The love may grow after having been together. There is no guarantee that love-based marriages will be successful. Many failed due to problems arising after some years of marriage.
@bos_kg (9)
• China
7 Mar 12
hello almightybong ,my english is poor ,but I can understand what you say.In my opinion love is the core of marriage. In the society wealth is very importent but without love marriage is not a real marriage. Money we can get . real love is hart to get.Everyone want to have a beautiful life blong me and you. So we should try our best to make it come true! My english is poor ,do you understand my meaning!!
@befrindwithme26 (5805)
• Philippines
8 Mar 12
Marrying is base on the love that is from the heart.You marry,because you love the person,and you plan to so you can be together,and love forever till end life.
Sometimes there are some reasons about marry now,and love later.But i don't like that.
@m4gin00 (120)
• Philippines
8 Mar 12
love is needed in a relationship to work out.....you cannot escape easily in a marriage if you found out that its not working out...for me marriage is not a thing that you cannot try first...all i mean is..for me if I am going to marry someone it must be because we love each other...if i marry someone that i dont love, in time the feeling that will built up in me is just care for her....love for me is a thing that you cannot force your self to feel or cannot wait time to feel it to someone you have married first. if you marry first someone before loving her, there will be a chance that you may find someone that is much better...and you may betray that someone you've married and might hurt her feelings...
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
you know falling inlove is too risky,as they say.you feel so happy and contented..but as the time goes by,or still in the very start,you feel so afraid that the relationship you want to create could be turn to break up and heartaches.thats why most people who experienced heartbreaks doesnt want to fall again,,,they see the world as dull as black.so they result to the idea of marriage for convinience.give and take.A relationship without love so can avoid hurt and pain.
but while you keep avoiding of yourself to get hurt,theres still a person who might hurt because of your actions you made.
I loved more than once and got hurt in the end but im always looking forward and telling to myself "dont cry.trust God that He made someone destined for you.You should just wait for that time.You can have your happiness soon"...Life goes on.
@marty3888 (2355)
• Acme, Michigan
7 Mar 12
I'm with you all the way and there is nothing wrong with you. What's wrong with wanting to b e happy? And in many of those marriage out of convienience, one of them turns out to be very controlling. Of course it is very romantic when you hear of those kind of marriages and it just so happens that they fall in love with each other. But as you said, most times, that doesn't happen.
That almost happened to me. I was living with my mom. I had no one. There was this family friend who had a daughter that had severe cerebal palsey. You could barely understand when she talked and she wobbled. But she worked at her dad's office, and her dad was a rich doctor. But with her condition she couldn't attract anyone. They thought what a match. We all went out to dinner. She really liked me and if I wanted her they would have bought us a house there would have probably been a big wedding which I would have loved. But I decided against it and now I'm with someone that I love.
@kheydia (882)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
Well, there are a lot of peeple who are marrying because they wanted to have a financial security but most of them aren't happy with choice, or maybe they are happy becuase they get what they want and they can go abroad, but if you intend to have a happy family life then go with your instinct, marry someone you love and respect and vice versa, and let your children grow in the atmosphere of love, and they will become a delightsome people in certain. Don't take risk with your life with yur family life, it's your life and it's your choice.. Love do still exist.
@stringer321 (5644)
• Kiryat Ata, Israel
7 Mar 12
I think I can tell you a story with a certain point.
There is a person who is gay and he got married a long time ago , he got devorced after some years because he was not too attracted to his wife , But , they are good friends and he has a beautiful daughter and a nice son , he has a hairdressing salon and he is such a nice person everyone likes him. You know why ? that's because he loves the life , he loves people and he is a nice and a happy guy.
My point is that you don't really have to count on romantic love. I think friendship and good relationship and affection can also be good.
The romantic love can sure be good for you but it can also lead to disasters if your heart will get broken. The love itself can also fade away but the good friendship and the respect and affection have to be a part of yourself.
Maybe you will get devorced but it won't be the end of the world , you can still stay friends and raise the kids well if you get along.
@seriousnuts (508)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
I completely agree with you. They may be practical, but I also can't get myself to do that just for the benefit of getting a visa. They may find marrying for love is ridiculous, but to me, marrying for practical reasons is silly. We may sound idealistic to them, but, we value marriage so much that we don't want to simply dive into it. It's not simply a contract, it's signing your life into the relationship. It's hard to expect anything from that kind of marriage. I don't think love will develop easily out of it. Pardon my words, but I think it is like selling your soul in exchange to material benefits. Because of that, how could you expect your spouse to learn to love you when he/she knows you are only marrying him/her for practical reasons? Marriages like that is doomed to fail. Keep holding to what you believe, there is nothing wrong with it.
@Eve_zhangjie (3)
•
7 Mar 12
I read a lot of love stories during my school life and they are really beautiful and sweet.However,we live in the real world and we should be practical at most time.In my opinion,love is the core of the marriage.No one can bear the marriage without our true love as time goes on.Money,good look or any other conditions you like can not make something called love.So,before marriage,it's love.
@dazzledlady (1618)
• Philippines
7 Mar 12
That is why it is easier said than done. I do agree with you that marrying someone for an ulterior motive other than love is a very risky move. Life is hard but I think it would be harder to marry someone you barely know because you will live with him/her for a long period. Differences aren't settled in just one night. It takes more than that. So I think I would rather find someone I love to marry than the other way around. Because when you are married you have to respect the vows you made, to live through thick and thin.That is if you value the sanctity of marriage. Marrying someone with no strong foundation is like building a sand castle that can easily be wash away by water.If you are not sure that you can live with that fact then do not do it because an innocent child may become a victim if accidentally you have a baby to consider.
