How do you keep the fire in your marriage?
By ymitchell42
@ymitchell42 (79)
United States
March 12, 2012 3:24pm CST
My husband and I have been married for 9 years and when I look into his hazel eyes I still get giddy inside. When we go through little spats, it is so hard to find that again. We went to a marriage enrichment night at our church and it was so fun. We played the game as newlyweds do and I answered 3 out of 5 questions correct. So we went home and talked about it and we realized we need to get to know eachother better. One point I got out of it is the importance of having a date every month so you can be close and keep the fire in your marriage. Can anyone suggest anythng else besides going on a date? We enjoy different shows, and have different interest. The only thing we do have in common is dating. I know there are other things to do with my spouse, not always easy with a 3 year old. Any suggestions are welcomed.
2 responses
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
12 Mar 12
I've been with my husband for seven years, married for three, and I still have yet to feel disconnected from him, or so angry at him I need to be alone, etc. I think the key is to know each other through and through as early as possible...I could tell you everything from my husband's favorite color to more important things like how he feels and believes in certain issues, etc. As soon as all that is well and good, you have a greater understanding for each other and you can focus on one key thing: appreciation.
Appreciate everything. Go out of your way to find the good things in your partner, and go out of your way not to be angry about the little things. Personally, I find my husband's so-called "irritating" habits quite adorable, and part of what makes him quirky or individualistic. This way, I don't get angry when, for example, he spills something on the kitchen counter and doesn't clean it, or does one of his other "habits" that wouldn't be appropriate to list here. 
And, when he does something like this, I actually feel grateful that he has a weird habit rather than a bad personality, an addictive habit, etc. It's a stretch, but it does wonders for appreciating even things that most can't appreciate.
Don't only appreciate habits and such, also find the things he does that makes your life easier or better and thank him for them, regardless of how often they are done or whether he truly thinks before he does them or not. Even though washing the dishes is my husband's chore, for example, I still thank him for doing them every time I see they're done. The other day, we were both getting ready to eat apples as a snack, and I washed two, one for him, one for me, and didn't think twice about it. Since he's normally the one who cooks and prepares food altogether, he was ridiculously thankful for this and hugged me, citing my thoughtfulness. 
That may seem ridiculous to most, but it was something small that made me feel appreciated, and it goes a long way!
It may be a lot harder for you to find time and connections with your husband since you do have children. Children dramatically change and add pressure to marriage. My husband and I chose not to have children, and it was the best choice for us, but those we know who do have children usually have a regular babysitter they can call on so they can find time for themselves. I would highly recommend this; if your child is the only thing that a couple has in common, the marriage has a good chance of ending once that empty nest comes because you grow apart over the years. Don't let that happen!
And, when he does something like this, I actually feel grateful that he has a weird habit rather than a bad personality, an addictive habit, etc. It's a stretch, but it does wonders for appreciating even things that most can't appreciate.
Don't only appreciate habits and such, also find the things he does that makes your life easier or better and thank him for them, regardless of how often they are done or whether he truly thinks before he does them or not. Even though washing the dishes is my husband's chore, for example, I still thank him for doing them every time I see they're done. The other day, we were both getting ready to eat apples as a snack, and I washed two, one for him, one for me, and didn't think twice about it. Since he's normally the one who cooks and prepares food altogether, he was ridiculously thankful for this and hugged me, citing my thoughtfulness. That may seem ridiculous to most, but it was something small that made me feel appreciated, and it goes a long way!
It may be a lot harder for you to find time and connections with your husband since you do have children. Children dramatically change and add pressure to marriage. My husband and I chose not to have children, and it was the best choice for us, but those we know who do have children usually have a regular babysitter they can call on so they can find time for themselves. I would highly recommend this; if your child is the only thing that a couple has in common, the marriage has a good chance of ending once that empty nest comes because you grow apart over the years. Don't let that happen! @ymitchell42 (79)
• United States
12 Mar 12
This was an awesome response. I truly appreciate all the advice and you know I have been very patient with the little things that use to irritate me about him. I have noticed that he has been doing things without me asking or taking it upon himself to help me with the baby at times I am busy or starting dinner when he sees I am a little tired from work. I will definitely remember to appreciate. I am curious on how it will be when my youngest leaves the nest. I guess I will see once it happens. Thanks again for all your wonderful suggestions and examples.
@Mindless0357 (26)
• United States
13 Mar 12
I fully agree with LovingLife139 as she has her life and goals for her relationship in perspective. The more you learn about yourself and your partner the more you can take control of you relationship. One starting point that you my want to look into is http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and http://www.naphill.org/ . These are both great resources for learning more about yourself as well as how to maintain a lasting and healthy relationship. What are your dreams and why have you not obtained them yet? Your dreams are more than a childish fantasy. Without them we would never have desires. If we never had desires then we would never set goals for ourselves. As dreams are what give our lives purpose.
Dreams are often put aside and forgotten because we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed with what we perceive to be the best that life will provide for us. It is when we start to understand that we are in control of or lives, that we begin to set a new course for our lives to follow. Without dreams we lose our passion for life and our desire to thrive. As our dreams are the very essence of love.
"In order for us to have and maintain a healthy relationship we must aspire to achieve or dreams. To share who you really are as a person you must share your dreams. For love to transpire your dreams must be ascertained. You and only you can make your dreams a reality. Your dreams give purpose to your life in whole. When you achieve your dreams you inspire others to follow their dreams. In turn what you are really doing is teaching others how to love."
Jeremy Bailey
