living with a lie
By savypat
@savypat (20216)
United States
March 20, 2012 9:43am CST
How would you do this? Say your partner works for CIA, FBI or even just top secret work for the Government. If you knew this could you stand not knowing what that person does all day? Could you believe what they told you about things other than work? Do you think a person can lie about just part of their life? Well all I can tell you is that I lived with this and once I understood what Hubby did, I never
asked questions about his work. That way he didn't have to lie to me and I do believe that our regular life was based on the truth. Because I accepted what he did
I just left that part of his life alone.
2 people like this
14 responses
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
23 Mar 12
It certainly takes a special couple to separate the job from the home life. I bet there were times when he was busting at the seams to share something with you. The fact that you didn't ask him questions probably helped him a ton. Alot of people wouldn't be like that..they would be wanting to know.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
24 Mar 12
The fact of the matter was that we didn't even know there was something going on, unless it broke in the press the families never knew. All people who worked in Secret work were in the same boat, it wasn't like TV or the movies, we never knew so we never asked, it's just a mind set. I did the same thing with all the secrets I learned about people who did their financial business with me. I just never thought to bring these things up. We had plenty to talk about raising 3 kids.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
24 Mar 12
You know, this went on for so long that you just accept it. Every two years the FBI gave us a check up, contacted the neighbors and our close friends. Where we lived there were many others in the same rating, Top Secret, so we were asked about them just as they were asked about us. I think this would be much more difficlult if you and your family were the only people you knew who had to go through this.
@maezee (41988)
• United States
21 Mar 12
I think some people get wrapped up in the denial aspect of things. By that I mean I guess people are so far in denial that they don't WANT to believe they are being lied to, even if that's not the rational thing to believe. I think if you were in the CIA, you are NOT allowed to tell anyone, not even your spouse. I guess the best thing anyone can do is what you do, accept that he can't discuss his work (for legal & confidential reasons), but that doesn't mean you were living a lie. I think if your husband didn't tell you some big aspect of his life, THAT would be living a lie.
1 person likes this
@cearn25 (3456)
• Philippines
21 Mar 12
For me, I will accept that kind of job he has because it is decent and not illegal. I would be very proud for a having a partner who works in a CIA or FBI. At first I would be very shock knowing that he hid it from me but later I will be able to accept it because of the love. Trust is also very important. Keep the fire burning.
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
21 Mar 12
I think many people lie about a part of their life. We believe what we want to believe or like to hear.
To me is what counts how my partner treates me. I would do the same as you.
Not asking if I don't want to hear a lie or can not live with the truth.
1 person likes this
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
21 Mar 12
i like your point of view, as long as it doesn't hurt the other partner or the relationship/homelife, then some things should be kept a secrete. my mom said once to me, " don't go asking questions before your really find out if it's worth the risk that you wish you never found out". i couldn't be involved with someone that had that kind of job. some things they do behind the scenes i wouldn't be able to live with. i wouldn't know, but my imagination would start running. i would wonder if his job involved cheating on me. i know that sounds silly.
1 person likes this
@babystar1 (4233)
• United States
20 Mar 12
I dont think that I would like my hubby do that kind of work. But if he did yes I would want to know what he does.But if it is a secret well than its a secret and thats part of his job It would have to be ok with me.
1 person likes this
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
21 Mar 12
Yes! I can relate to the mystery part of a partner's life. And in real life most of us live with it. I have been married for 26 years and the woman is still a mystery to me!
Believe me, in most people's lives, secrecy because they have something to hide is something not really worth knowing, unless there is a plan to wallow in misery.
You have something official in your husband's life that is a secret, that dear lady, is a great relief.
1 person likes this
@katie4720011 (218)
• United States
20 Mar 12
When someone is engaged in that type of work it is best to keep t separate from your homelife. It is a very good idea to never ask questions as far as his line of work goes and as you said, if you do not ask you do not have to worry about being lied too.
@inertia4 (27960)
• United States
20 Mar 12
I think having a career in any of those agencies would definitely put a strain on a relationship. Most normal people work normal jobs and they can talk about their day and how it went. Also, working with the FBI or the CIA, they become very good liars. They have to be to be in those jobs. Everything is secret. I would not trust them personally. But if you could accept it, then it works for you.
@Zer0Stats (1147)
• India
20 Mar 12
I think it's just a job and at the very first one should feel proud that his/her partner works for nation.
1 person likes this
@jobfindonline (1744)
•
20 Mar 12
There are things or secret that cannot be shared even to partners. Maybe the project is so sensitive and they even signed a confidentiality agreement about it. You are a very understanding person, I can tell from what you wrote.
1 person likes this
@ecaron (678)
• Canada
20 Mar 12
My husband used to keep secrets from me, serious stuff too and when all his secrets came out , we separated and it almost ended our marriage but after about a four year separation we got back together and he never keeps anything from me anymore. Secrets can ruin your relationship unless you can forgive. I wish you luck, my friend.
1 person likes this
