Today I am annoyed..
By vanny
@vandana7 (100616)
India
March 29, 2012 1:07am CST
Ok..the other day I heard my student scold her mother and I was appalled. I mean, I admit I am harsh with my parent, and I feel I am justified. But it was disgusting to see something similar in a 15 year old girl shouldering her family's responsibility, though god alone knows she has more justification for it.
off and on, she has been bringing her nephew, or relatives to my place. I have been polite all the way and I have told her gently that it is not appreciated as it encoraches upon my time. She has taken hint. When her mother came down to my place, I treated her well - which is unusual out here.
The other day, my student was beaten up by her mentally challenged sister and she reacted. I have been teaching her how to express herself and she expressed that pain of being beaten up by mentally challenged eight year old and inability to do anything about it. I was disturbed. The following day, again the little one beat up her older sister, and this 15 year old bread winner reacted, leading to severe fits in the child. My student's write up was full of remorse. I was undecided whether what did was right or not, after all, she is just 15 and has been the bread winner for almost 6 years.
So today, my maid took an off. I called my student's mother for one day's work. She was not willing! She offered to send her daughter - my student for work! I refused. And so she went to her sister's place and brought her sister's grandson along with her. She was coming to my place for work, and she brought this kid who is about five years old. What annoyed me is, was she expecting me to baby sit the child? It is a different thing that her daughter brought him over once. She is young, and she does not shirk her duties.
So I told her to go home, leave the kid, and then come, or forget about it. My student has just arrived. I believe her mother told her that I asked her to come tomorrow.
I get bugged when people do something like this. And I am in a plight because I like this kiddo very much and only see a bleak future for her. Her responsibile nature hurts me.
Tell me her mother is lazy and deserves to be yelled at, and I will love you all. Is there anyway we can repair this breed?
5 people like this
13 responses
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
29 Mar 12
Hi vandana
Have a glass of chilled water or a lemonade. Its too hot now a days with temperatures already above 40 here.
The simple answer to your question is - no. Some will not learn no matter what you do going around to make them understand. And it is unhealthy for you to bother yourself on the mistakes of others. I mean you cannot correct many and anyone who wont understand.
Have a glass of chilled water or a lemonade. Its too hot now a days with temperatures already above 40 here.
The simple answer to your question is - no. Some will not learn no matter what you do going around to make them understand. And it is unhealthy for you to bother yourself on the mistakes of others. I mean you cannot correct many and anyone who wont understand.@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
I cannot - I agree. But periodically I come across such breed. You could say the percentage is as high as 40 in our our state.
This one wants us to pity. But from where can pity come when the person is not working, worse, person is living of young kid, using the mentally challenged kid as an excuse to watch television programs.
I did those anger management things. :) But to tell you the truth, I am hurting because my student is sincere. She is torn between living her life and living for family. She is just 15 ok now 16. She shouldnt have to do that!!!
The mother has no business to offer her services. Height of shamelessness if you ask me.
2 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
29 Mar 12
@Vandana:
I have always supported your choice to train and educate that 15odd year girl. It indeed is something much noble and not many do it. But... See, she is from that set of people who are born to think less (constrained by their reasons, whims, superstitions etc). Yes, she might get better with you as her idol or teacher, but my point above was not against here. It was for the mom of hers who as per my judgement) should be about 35-40 an age where it becomes difficult to change overnight and also makes one more stubborn of his/her beliefs. The mom is not going to understand, and even realize that the education is good for her daughter.
And among these people (I too have lived in a family where there were maids) the moms or even the dads do take their children as granted and they do decide their lives. Changing that will still take ages. Until this girl gets married, she has to do what her mom or her dad says... and then... it might be the wishes of her hubby or even her in-laws... Sorry, but this is what the real india is about. We may take great pride in all the so much hyped "Girl Child" etc... but when it comes to practice... there are only a select few who believe and live by those standards.
1 person likes this
@Sreekala (34312)
• India
29 Mar 12
Hello Vandana,
This mother is lazy else how she can send her daughter for work in such a young age.
But why you get annoyed with the kid she brings with her, a five year old is not too small and need a baby sit while she works. The child can play outside or watch tv when she does work and she can monitor the child in between her work, that is what I felt. You cold ask her to do her works instead of asking her to come again leaving the child behind. I felt she also waited an excuse for not doing work.
But why you get annoyed with the kid she brings with her, a five year old is not too small and need a baby sit while she works. The child can play outside or watch tv when she does work and she can monitor the child in between her work, that is what I felt. You cold ask her to do her works instead of asking her to come again leaving the child behind. I felt she also waited an excuse for not doing work. 3 people like this
@krajibg (11922)
• Guwahati, India
29 Mar 12
Hello vandana,
First of all my appreciation to you that you have been doing shouldering a responsibility that many of us would fight shy of. Coming to the context of the mentally challenged child and her being beaten up and the bread winning 15 years child, I say people living in that strata are almost like that and are in a chance looking nature. The mother did not come to your home for it would hurt her ego.
What can we do, I am too in a fix. May be we go by our own way or do whatsoever you people are doing. Just helping those who deserve help and compassion. Mending the whole situation is not possible. What my say is you do not forsake the 15 year old girl for she could make herself one, one day as I see sincerity in her.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
@thesids - the situation is complex. If I take the girl into my home, and treat her like a family member, my maid gets upset because she would prefer her grand daughter in that place. Even otherwise, this girl will become an example for others to hope for similar bounties..if I help her monetarily..there will be others expecting it because the girl will reveal, and if not her mother. Already her sister in law is asking me to take up teaching her son. I am only interested in sincere children, and hard working ones. They at least deserve a fair chance. Right?
2 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
29 Mar 12
Thanks Rajibda for supporting me above. I have a high regard for Vandanji and am really supportive of the noble task she is doing in educating the girl. And I never would feel that a lady like Vandanaji can be demotivated... even if she can, I will be the last person to try demotivating. I was sharing my views about the girl's mom who will never learn (on my response above)
.
for supporting me above. I have a high regard for Vandanji and am really supportive of the noble task she is doing in educating the girl. And I never would feel that a lady like Vandanaji can be demotivated... even if she can, I will be the last person to try demotivating. I was sharing my views about the girl's mom who will never learn (on my response above).1 person likes this
@topffer (42156)
• France
29 Mar 12
Servants are a bit too expensive here to employ them more than a few hours per week
. She should have told you that she had nobody to keep her kid and ask if she could come with him, instead of trying to impose him to you. It is not correct, but as you said that you already knew her, she perhaps thought that she could try to force your decision. Up against the wall, I would probably have accepted the kid for the day... and not employed anymore the mother.
. She should have told you that she had nobody to keep her kid and ask if she could come with him, instead of trying to impose him to you. It is not correct, but as you said that you already knew her, she perhaps thought that she could try to force your decision. Up against the wall, I would probably have accepted the kid for the day... and not employed anymore the mother.2 people like this
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
Actually that is not the truth. She went to get that kid. My student stayed behind to look after her younger sister. So her mother did not have any excuse not to come for work. So she went to her sister's place on the way to my home and brought her sister's grandson along with her. I sent her back. It was her way to avoid work. I mean, she thought she would get away sitting and talking. I called her for work, and I have a lot to do today. One of my aunts is flying in coming month, and we've to see that everything is in order before she leaves.
I too do not have a whole time maid. My maid comes for one and a hour each day. The cost of living out here is not that high, so it is not very expensive to hire one. I called a person for work and I paid just a dollar for sweeping, mopping, cleaning bathrooms, and kitchen counters, and of course, utensils. This is generous by local standards! Most people pay only half that.
I wanted to employ the mother because it would help my student indirectly. :(
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
She tried. She'd suggested she would send her daughter. I refused. I am told she watches all serials in the day time. She works till about 9 am in the morning doing household chores and the rest of the day is for television!
You'd think a mother who cannot afford her mentally challenged child's medication would try to find ways and means to earn. I'd volunteered to pay for her learning stitching clothes. It would have given her some decent monies. But she said her eyes are not ok, and that she is scared of back ache. :)
3 people like this
@topffer (42156)
• France
29 Mar 12
Going to work with an excuse to not work is a nice way of thinking
! I find it hard to believe
. She should have refused purely and simply if she did not wanted to work...
Maybe I should move to India : the minimum wage for a maid is 9.22 Euros -- $12.30 -- for an hour here.
! I find it hard to believe. She should have refused purely and simply if she did not wanted to work...
Maybe I should move to India : the minimum wage for a maid is 9.22 Euros -- $12.30 -- for an hour here.2 people like this
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
29 Mar 12
Nobody deserves to be yelled at. You can do it that way and probably everybody did it with the mother.
it's clear to me that the mother can't handle life or her kid.
It's also clear to me that kid doesn't need you to garden her or raise her or to interfere. If she really is the bread winner for already 6 years she will handle it (she yelled at her mother anyway so she can) and sooner or later she will get out of this situation.
I think you should not interfere in this and do why you are there. She is your student not your kid.
Also in this case I don't see any difference between your behavior to your parents and this 15 year old her behavior to her mother.
You only see the age difference? Well if a girl like that is already bread winner for 6 years she is in years way older/mature as you are.
Those who carry the responsibilities have rights as well and she should set the rules too otherwise she will be doomed.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Mar 12
vandy even in India or where you are there have to be bureaus that defend childrenfromn those kinds of abuses and also the mom is not a good mother and here her kids would in all probability be takne awy from her and put in a foster home. the mentally challenged child should not be allowed to beat on anyone,what kind of,mom allows that at all? I do not care if cultures are different as its still wrong what that mom does.
@Pushhyarag2000 (1416)
• India
29 Mar 12
@WUK: I fully agree with your last point.
2 people like this
@Pushhyarag2000 (1416)
• India
29 Mar 12
Hi vandana,
I tend to agree with the last point @Kitty makes above: that if someone has been the bread winner for six years then she is grown up enough (whatever her real age) to react to situations the way any normal mature adult would do. It's unfair to expect the girl to do what she would probably be doing years later but keep restraining because she is the teen girl. No, unfair.
They'll manage. Their socioeconomic circumstances are such that their life can be any different than what it tends to be. If we go deeper, we may perhaps find reasons why the woman (mother) behaves the way she does, but then...problems can't be solved that way.
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
29 Mar 12
Absolutely right Pushyarag! they do not need our sympathy and an jolly well take care of themselves.TOmorrow mother and daughter would hug each other and walk hand in hand to a theatre hall to entertain themselves. Why do you break your head over this Vandana! you already have enough on your plate.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
@Pushyarag, actually the kid realizes it, and does scold her mother. Even when she is here studying, she tries to find out if her mother is home or at neighbors chit chatting. The incident I was referring to was when she scolded her mother for leaving sister alone in the house. Her mother is not retarded. She is just good at taking advantage, in this case, she is taking advantage of her own child. Why it is annoying is - that is not what we expect of a mother isn't it?
@kala - perhaps. I just know that she hurt the little one this month. Took her all the way to home town for a marriage alliance and told her it fizzled out because the boy was asking 5 lakhs as dowry. You can imagine how the girl was when she returned to me on 19th. It takes a lot of coaxing and cajoling and diverting attention of the depressed child. I just see a glimpse of me in her so perhaps there is a soft corner for her. And when I read her emotions as she is trying to express my heart gets torn. I can only read and correct her English. But I can understand those emotions Kala. Lets see how things pan out..
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
29 Mar 12
Dear Vandy, I truly respect, where your heart is! So much of this world is broken, and you are being a "one-woman-force" in your efforts to make great change!
I feel the woman, you are relating to...is a lost cause, whom does not appreciate what you have been doing for her/her family..(in the Western world we call a "user!")
I applaude you, for your vast efforts for the daughter (16 yr. old)and pray that her elsewise awkward family, will not dissuade you from keeping her "under your wing!" She gets it...and truly deserves a "leg up" in this world from a great mentor, like you!
I am hoping, that you can relax a little...what CAN'T be done today, CAN be done tomorrow....and you can keep the likes of this woman, out of your world...as she seems able to create topsy-turvy!2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
29 Mar 12
THANK YOU...so kindly, dearest Kalav...have missed you! Vandi, does so...try so hard, and I so respect her, but worry for her disappointments!2 people like this
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
Thank you so much for that advise perga.
I am feeling sorry for the kid. A couple of days ago she was asking me to help her learn how to sew. She knows she is facing a bleak future but the mother is happy with the piggy ride on her girl. Ironically, the girl has worked for 5 odd years and mother left the job five odd years back. Case of golden goose?
I am feeling sorry for the kid. A couple of days ago she was asking me to help her learn how to sew. She knows she is facing a bleak future but the mother is happy with the piggy ride on her girl. Ironically, the girl has worked for 5 odd years and mother left the job five odd years back. Case of golden goose?1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Mar 12
vandy your poor student at 15 should not be s u pporting herself whats with that mom? here in the US we have what is called childrens protective services t hat help abused children.Ifwhere you live has something like that I would report the mom and also the mom letting the mentally challenged sister beat up on the fifteen year old is nuts. that mom has some serious synapses misfiring in her own brain and needs help for herself and her children. she sounds like she is mentally ill some way.if you hae such a bureau where you are report this family as they all need help badly. 
misfiring in her own brain and needs help for herself and her children. she sounds like she is mentally ill some way.if you hae such a bureau where you are report this family as they all need help badly. @vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
Oh Hatley - out here - we are never sure about what sort of racket these so called services are. Some are out to earn monies in the name of children and aged, others abuse children in other ways. We may want good for them, but we cannot guarantee that. In fact, a few months ago I read an article in which the orphanage sent student with teacher who eventually got her pregnant. The child cannot tell anybody in the orphanages can she? These are the reasons I am strictly against institutions such as orphanages, old age homes, and such things. Families must care. And state must provide support. If with the support of state, families do not care for the child or elderly, then any of the neighbors or others have a right to report, so that parents can be imprisoned and made to work for less pay in the prison, where there are no televisions. As an incentive, people who report such cases of abuse should be given some monies. That way everybody would be forced to behave. I know this sounds weird, and theoretically absurd, but we are not really succeeding with our present system, are we? My kiddo's book is again filled with pain that her sister beat her last night. And she adds what can I do, she does not understand, isn't it? So I have been correcting her homework and crying. In the morning I will be my dignified self, dont worry.
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
And I am sure your son will be better off soon enough. Hang in there..this autumn perhaps. I am using a substitute dice. So I cant say for sure. My kiddo's luck doesnt say anything good - at least not in immediate future. But the good news is by the time she will be old, she would have a house of her own. :)
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
it is sad often that someone as young as 15 needs to work for the whole family, they should still be enjoying their teenage year but then some are not as lucky we are..
I honestly do not know what to say as i do not know any more details as to why their lives have become like that. But i guess the mother needs to be the one guiding the 15 year old instead the other way around. The mother should be knocked or something to wake up. 
@OpinionatedLady (5965)
• United States
29 Mar 12
My situation growing up wasn't quite as bad as this girl but I was working to help the house hold at that age. I also was not treated as well as many would want tot be treated and was out of the house by 18. In fact had to beg to stay long enough after my birthday to finish off school. She probably was angry at the mother in fear of losing her place with you. If she works for you as much as you say then I am sure it is a main source of her income and would not want to lose it. I would leave her business with her family to her and keep only in mind the work she does for you and her while she is with you. If you want to help her that is great but I wouldn't call on the mother again as she obviously isn't going to help the situation.
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
29 Mar 12
That is sad. :(
The girl - does not work for me. In fact, I am a law abiding citizen. I dont use the services of underaged girls. I teach her. I am trying to teach some English and math at first. :)
But she does evening shifts and morning shifts. 2 hours honorary work with her cousins and almost 6 hours in the evening with another person. She draws almost 60 dollars or so. She gets to keep less than one third of that. Rest goes into family maintenance. She gets to keep is not standard. She has to fight with her mother for getting dresses stitched. She does have a few good clothes, and that makes me happy. :)
Other than that...they are truly in bad shape. When she comes to my place, she wears good clothes and is naturally in good spirits. :)
Good does not mean very good. But better than her normal wardrobe. :)
She likes coming to my place. That is certain. She likes sitting there and repeating sentences like a little kid and I am honestly getting attached to her.
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