Should I tell him about my past or not?
@girlthing62989 (103)
Philippines
March 29, 2012 4:05am CST
Hi guys, need your help! Please share your ideas and suggestions about what to do. My boyfriend and I were talking about our relationship and he told me that he is scared of doing something bad someday once he discovered a secret from me. He want us to be open with each other and he want me to tell him everything from the past whether its good or bad but I am scared that he might leave me after I'll tell him all the things that he need to know. There are times that when I am alone, I keep thinking about all those things I've done in the past and it made me cry and sometimes I thought of killing myself because of conscience. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I made things in the past when we were not still in a relationship as boyfriend or girlfriend, during that time we were just friends but I loved him already and I don't know if he felt the same way for me before but we were already dating and doing those stuff just like the usual things being done by couples. Until such time that he asks me for a space and we stopped communicating with each other and I was badly hurt, I felt disappointed, I felt that I was being used and I really had no idea what to do after being abandoned by him :-( I felt like my life was miserable! Then time came that I thought of revenge. I tried to forget him though it's hard and I entertained suitors and then many things happened and happened and happened without thinking the consequences of it, I was not in good condition during that time, my life was really in miserable! I met a guy and soon he became my boyfriend and something happened to us but only once and it never happened again. I thought I loved him but everytime the guy I truly love (my boyfriend now) text me even just "HI" I felt like I am going to die and I don't exactly know the reason why and after a couple of months, we'd see each other and I broke up with my ex and after less than a year we've been together again as a COUPLE already and now he is my boyfriend and weve been together now for 3 years and I loved him so much but I still have some secrets and I don't know if I should tell him those things I've been kept for so long, i don't know if he should know all those things I did in the past and I don't know if I should spend a time with him to talk about all the things happened to me when he left me or should I keep it to myself for the rest of my life and just pretend that nothing happens.
Guys, it would be a great help to me if you share your thoughts and ideas about this matter. Hope you spend time to read this!
11 responses
@ARIES1973 (11426)
• Legaspi, Philippines
30 Mar 12
Hi girlthing! Whether you tell your boyfriend or not about your past, there are consequences that you have to face. So its up to you to make a decision. First, if you wouldn't tell him and he have known it from other source, he might accuse you of dishonesty or whatever you may call it, and might leave you. If you tell him otherwise, there is a chance that he might leave you also, as you have said you are afraid this thing to happen. But being honest is the best thing to do. If he would leave you because you tell him the truth, its not your fault anymore. It only means that he does not deserve your love. At least this early you would know how he would react on things like this. There is this road sign that I came across everyday as I go to work, it really catches my attention, it says, "Keep Right". There is no better than doing the right thing.
@ARIES1973 (11426)
• Legaspi, Philippines
30 Mar 12
Thank you also for considering my response. I am already 38 years old and been on and off of a relationship before. So I know how you feel. If you feel that you will cease to live without him, that's not true. Tell that to yourself. Everything, hatred or pain will just pass. The only thing will remain is you. Maybe you are still very young. You will remember my words as you grow older.
@girlthing62989 (103)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
Hi Aries1973! Thanks for your great comment! I really want to tell him the truth about my past but I'm thinking if when is the right time to do that. I am not ready yet for whatever consequences that may happen. And what I am scared of is that even he don't leave me after knowing the truth, but I'm sure many things will change like his treatment to me. But I guess you are right, I really need to tell him the truth as early as now and if he still accept me then it means he truly loves me but if not, then I think I have to move on with my life :-(
@girlthing62989 (103)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
yeah I'm only 23 years old and my boyfriend is already 27. It makes me sad to think that after I tell him everything, he would no longer give or show 100% care for me. But well, I really have to face the consequences of it. I will tell my boyfriend what I need to tell and I have to ready myself! Do you think it is now the right time to do that?
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
30 Mar 12
I think that if you are bothered by it so much then you should tell him. When our conscience is bothering us it's better if we get out what we need to say. He will probably feel hurt but he wasn't apart of your life at that time and you made certain decisions because of that. So hopefully you both will be able to move forward together and still enjoy your relationship.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
30 Mar 12
It really wouldn't be fair for him to leave you because it was in the past and he wasn't in your life. He made the decision to breakup with you then and you tried to move on with your life. Plan a good time to sit down and talk with him. If he loves you and knows that the things that happened could have been avoided if he would have stayed with you then he will hear you out and forgive you. It may take him some time to get over all that you tell him but he can do it.
@girlthing62989 (103)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
But I am afraid that he will leave me after I tell him the truth and also I don't want to lose him. I don't know how would he react I am afraid he get mad at me.
@jasmeena (846)
• Indonesia
29 Mar 12
Hmm...it is really like my experience. However, you should tell the truth, of course..but don`t go into detail too much. I was still wondering what you had done but it is your private matter. The most important thing is you are now a better person. We make mistakes as we`re human beings. The best person is a person who can learn from his/her past mistakes and he/she doesn`t repeat it and tries to improve..
I am gonna ask you something: Are you sure that he can accept you as you are after you open your biggest secret?Are you feeling right? If you`re not sure, don`t do it..
@girlthing62989 (103)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
Hi Jasmeena..I am not so sure if he can still accept me after I tell him my secret about the past. I know that he loves me so much, I can see & feel that he really do! And he is very serious with our relationship and that is the reason why he want us to be open to each other about many things whether it is good or bad. And I tried to ask him if he will still accept me if I tell him negative things about me and he answered me YES I will still accept you no matter what it is that is why I want you to be honest with me and I want you not to hide any secrets. That is his answer to the question ive raised to him. I really really want to tell him the truth about my past but I am really worried that though he will still accept me, but may be his treatment to me will change. I am also thinking of how and when to start telling him about the past. I don't have any idea what would be his reaction after knowing the truth! he will get hurt I'm sure! and he will be upset!
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
29 Mar 12
Personally I don't see the need to tell in detail all about your past. Especially not if you see it as past and it's finished, so really past for you.
The past is yours, your bf was not in your life at that time so why telling every detail about that?
If you do have certain life experiences that might have changed you into the person you are, for example the way you can respond, it might be useful for him to know.
But remember that no matter if your past was harder as someone else's we all have a past. We all have certain life experiences and we all are the end result of that.
Don't let yourself get pulled or pushed to tell everything or everything detailed just because your bf is afraid to do something bad one day. This is his problem not yours and he has to deal with that. It's normal in each relationship that you learn to know each other and see how you can deal together at this moment and in future. Not in the past.
Your bf doesn't sound very mature and self secure to me, he better invest in himself and work on that.
It's normal to have some "secrets" and it's better if you don't see it like that. Past is past let it behind. You know the lessons you learned from that, you live now and you have to focus on the future. Leave the past for what it is.
@girlthing62989 (103)
• Philippines
29 Mar 12
Thanks for your comment WakeUpKitty...So are you trying to say that I shouldn't tell my boyfriend about my past? You are right past is past and I have to leave it behind! But the problem on me, I when I am alone, I feel so very bad and my conscience is calling because of what happened and more especially coz I am lying to my boyfriend for I made him believe that he was the first and only person whom I gave myself with. I really dont know what to do now because my heart is saying that i should tell him but my mind is convincing me not to tell anything.
@samson1 (738)
• Jamaica
31 Mar 12
Hi Girlthing62989, Here are my thoughts. It would be better for you to be honest with him and answer the questions asked in the best way possible. Remember, everyone has gone through some degree of terbulence (or instability) in their life; whether of an intimate nature or not. If both of you love eachother in the way that both of you ought to, then despite the 'not so pleasant' past that you experienced (prior to your comming together and forming this current realtionship with each other) the other peron will be understanding, and supportive of you; expecially in the future.
Note, as long as the ex-s are alive, it is possible that (a)either the 'ugly past' and/ or beautiful past may re-appear in your current relationship space, or (b) the the circumstances surrounding the reasons why the 'breakup' may resurface. If your partner is not adequately equipped with the requisite knowledge or information to deal with either of the two abovementioned situations, or both of them combined, because you withhold pertinent information, it may lead to breaches in the integrity of your current relationship (breed mistrust, jealousy, envy, feelings of betrayal, and elements of insecurity). Worse, suppose that ex's and their friends do not want you to have a staedy relationship for a change, and decide to embarrass you with the truth (or their version of the truth), how could your partner defend your honor without you informing him first about the situation?
To avoid the adverse reprocussion that may occur if pertinent information is withheld from your partner, I think that it is better the truth (or information) comes from you first; than from other person outside of your relationship circle.
@Regulus (13)
• United States
30 Mar 12
Well, i don't know if you want a opinion from a really simple minded guy. but i guess everything hint you can get, its better! hum?
So, i think every decision we made we have to think about only one thing.
"*IF* the worst happens, where i would like to be?"
In your condition i think you have three worst possibilities.
1 - you tell nothing.
- he'll live imagining things, maybe he discovers all later and leaves you feeling betrayed and furious.
2 - you tell all
- he leaves you shocked(maybe) and sad, but now he know you, maybe he came back.
3 - you tell a thing or two.
- he'll trust you but if he discovers the rest he'll leaves you feeling betrayed and furious.
i think this is the worst for each choice. what choice is better for your conscience? obvious every choice have the odds to happen, but,you know, in the end you must do what is better for YOU!!!
i'm not pessimist, i just think whatever the choice we made. we need to be prepared for the consequences and take the odds.
hope this help you! bye
@blessing2u (496)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
I don't know if you've made a decision already about your situation. It's something that you kept for yourself for a long time, but I know that along the way, it will be exposed. There is nothing hid that will not come out. I'm not quite sure if it would be something you are comfortable with but I think you need to be open to your boyfriend if you truly love him. It will hurt and be more painful when it's too late and he came to know your secrets. If you tell him, you were being honest. If he goes away, he's not meant for you. If he still loves you, you've got the man for your life. I know it's not easy to do but just take the courage to do right this time. You've done mistakes, as you admit, and hiding your mistakes will just let it grow. One day it will explode.
@humairaku (2038)
• Indonesia
30 Mar 12
Hi, there! It's so breathtaking reading your story dear friend. That's why my mother always says that we should be careful in this life. Don't just follow your heart and emotion in doing something bad cos they sometimes last only in a temporary time. If we did them using our bad emotion (because of revenge or blind love for example), all we got then is only regret. Then we suddenly realized that we had done something stupid. All have happened dear. You can't pull it back or erase them. And about your boyfriend today, I think he deserves to know everything about you. He is a good guy, he needs to get the good girl. I don't say that you are not a good girl, but let him decides after he knows everything about you. If he can accept you whatever you are, you're so lucky then but if he then leaves you after knowing all of your past, supposed that you get bad effect from your bad attitude in your past. supposed God punish you for all have you done in the past. For me it's better to separate today before you marry him cos it will be very hurt when you separate after marriage or getting divorce. I mean, it's OK for you to keep that story by yourself today, but how if he finally knows about it from someone else someday? and how if he can't take it cos he feels like you've betrayed him by not telling the truth, and then he divorces you? I think it would be much more terrible. so I think, it's better for you to tell the truth if he really wants to know about it. but all decision is on yor hand, dear..Good luck..
@Tamosree1993 (1525)
• India
30 Mar 12
Hello friend,
I think you told your past and true.
Have a nice day.
@dazzledlady (1618)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
When he told you that he is afraid that he might do something bad if he found out you were keeping a secret to him , is a way of telling you that are there still things your keeping from him? Tell him, if that makes you comfortable and if that makes him at ease. Its better to lose him now than lose him later when you invested too much on each other. And if he truly cares about you, he will understand. Besides you were not together at that time. You know your boyfriend , trust him and I hope he trust you too.
@janportiacastro (35)
• Philippines
30 Mar 12
On my own experience, it is best to share your past with your beau. After all, that's past already. It will surely help both you and your partner grow your relationship healthy and strong. Sharing your past to your other half means you trust him/her with all of you. It means you already moved on with your past. You can talk all night long about your past relationship, dwell on your learning and how do you coped. In this way, you maintain an open self to your partner. This will aid you when you have your conflicts, you can open anything with your partner. :)
