Being left out in a group of friends
@penrockerchic (1903)
Philippines
April 1, 2012 8:45am CST
Hi Mylotters. I just want to share something that really concerns me a bit. I have been friends with a few people for years now. I belong to this group for more than a decade but there are still times when I feel like I'm being left out most of the time. I am a loner by nature and I love being alone especially when working, but I also love the company of my friends. What I don't like is the way that I feel at a few times when they don't seem to listen to whatever I have to say and when they start to leave me out of the loop when they're going somewhere like see a movie or something. It really kind of hurt me when they leave me out of some of their escapades even if they know that I'm available. At times, they don't wait for me when we are supposed to meet up for dinner, and I had to finish something first at work. I try my best but even though I try to take those negative thoughts off my head, I still can't help thinking that I don't matter in this group. I really feel down and feel like I still don't fit in after all these years. Just sharing...
1 person likes this
12 responses
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
2 Apr 12
oh wow! you've got urself in quite a pickle there! im sorry to tell u hon but these ppl arnt' really ur friends. theyre accociates. a few years ago that was me.
always there to pick up the tab and the one who babysat the kids during a movie..one person who i thoguht was a friend asked me to go to the movies and i jumped on it. when we got to the movies they asked me to babysit and my fav movie was showing too so to please them i babysat the kids-and they aren't even mine!-but we saw a good kiddie movie and when it was over I have all of them a peice of my mind. I told them how I felt and i basicly gave them a reality check and a week after that they tried even hard to involve me.
maybe you should change ur friends or do what i did! u can do it!! tell them how u felt when they KNOWINGLY left u out and all that good stuff and after u do that, leave. dont say 'im sorry' and dont yell. and try not to cry too...if ur a cryer :)
beacuse its said that if one makes a speach like that one must emmediatly leave the company in order for them to take u seriousley.
what they dont realize is that u are a strong person and they cannot treat u this was and get away with it. they must know they did wrong when it comes to friends. so tell them honey!!
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
I admire your guts verolop29. What they did to you was really awful. Just like you, I want them to take me seriously and to see my worth as a friend and not just one of their associates. You actually got me thinking. Thanks for the input and I really appreciate everything you said.
@patgalca (18366)
• Orangeville, Ontario
1 Apr 12
I know how you feel. I grew up this way. I was always a third wheel, even when I changed to a different group of friends. It was annoying. I was friends with one person. A third one would come along and they would be closer than me and I felt left out. They even teased me. So I made friends with another girl, who later made friends with another and again I was a third wheel. One time I made friends with two separate girls. When one of them was in the hospital I asked the other to come with me to visit her. She was hesitant because she didn't know her. I introduced them and then they became good friends and I was feeling left out AGAIN. This happened all through my teenage years. Because of this I feel as an adult more comfortable in one-on-one situations rather than groups. I don't particularly like parties. I am a bit of a loner as well because I also didn't group up with my siblings as they are much older than me and feel left out in my own family! 
I don't know how old you are but I am turning 50 this year and I consider myself to be friend-less. I have made friends in my writing group but I have never found any one relationship that I consider close. Well, sometimes I THOUGHT I had only to find out that they were spending more time outside the group with other members. I honestly hope you don't turn out like me. I suggest making separate friendships, apart from groups. Different friends that don't know one another. Still have many friends. Having only one friend didn't help me because our life paths separated and now I miss her. I haven't seen her in 30 years and from what I am told she doesn't want contact with anyone from high school and she was my very best friend. I have reached out to her twice (letters to her mother's home address) but she hasn't responded.
Keep making new friends. I'm sure my husband wished I had more friends so that I don't rely so much on him to fill my time.
I don't know how old you are but I am turning 50 this year and I consider myself to be friend-less. I have made friends in my writing group but I have never found any one relationship that I consider close. Well, sometimes I THOUGHT I had only to find out that they were spending more time outside the group with other members. I honestly hope you don't turn out like me. I suggest making separate friendships, apart from groups. Different friends that don't know one another. Still have many friends. Having only one friend didn't help me because our life paths separated and now I miss her. I haven't seen her in 30 years and from what I am told she doesn't want contact with anyone from high school and she was my very best friend. I have reached out to her twice (letters to her mother's home address) but she hasn't responded.
Keep making new friends. I'm sure my husband wished I had more friends so that I don't rely so much on him to fill my time.
@patgalca (18366)
• Orangeville, Ontario
2 Apr 12
At my age, women have their established friend base and are too busy as well. I hosted a party recently. My husband's cousin sells purses, scarves, jewelry and other accessories so invited probably about 50 people. 4 showed up. It also doesn't help that I have a chronic illness. A lot of people dropped out of our social circle when I became ill either because they didn't believe there was anything wrong with me, or because I stopped drinking, or perhaps they never really cared for me in the first place as they were friends with my husband first. Socializing definitely is not my strong suit but I can be lots of fun given the right crowd.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
Your story is pretty inspiring even though it's a little bit sad. In my early student years, I used to like having one friend/ best friend and I used to get close to them, but just like you, there were a few times that I ended up being a third wheel in a group of three girls and the feeling was worse. I dreaded that feeling and that situation. So, maybe that is the reason why I started to like the idea of being in a group because at least, with that, I could hope that I could get close to not only one but more persons in a group. Unfortunately, it's still not the case for me. Maybe you should try to reach out to your old friend again in some other ways and see where your friendship could lead to. As some of the mylotters have said, it's never too late to make friends. I don't think you're friendless at all.
@apoljuice1 (730)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
Keeping your friends works both ways. You might be hangin out with you for so long but don't necessarily feel that close to you. You have to remember that if you want to build a real relationship with these people, you have to let them know you better.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
I think being friends with them for more than a decade now, more or less 15 years now, I think that they already know me. I don't know. I like to keep to myself at times but when I share some things about me, I make sure that it's only with a few of my trusted friends. I would still keep them since we've been through a lot for the past few years, but I would really appreciate it if they'd also appreciate that I exist and that I am one of their friends, too.
@seriousnuts (508)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
I am a loner too and I always feel that way with my friends too. It's just that whenever we are together as a group, I usually become very quiet. However, when I am with them one-on-one, we have so many things to talk about and I enjoy the bonding moments. I guess I just prefer to be with one or a couple of friends than with a large group. Perhaps your group of friends is too large too and it's really difficult to not feel left out in such group. Pick a couple of friends from your group and try to build a stronger friendship with them and start from there.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
Picking up a couple of friends or even just one to get close to could be a problem for me. You see, whenever I'm with them or whenever we have our get-together, I can see that they've all seemed to pair up and talk to each other, by pairs, or by three's, and I don't seem to really fit in. I am always the listener. I just sit there and listen and not talk too much. Sometimes, I find it funny that even the most soft spoken person in our group can actually say something nice and cool, and I can't. I guess, I still have to try, right? And start somewhere just like you said.
@dianon_ice14 (461)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
Hello friend. . .You what, I think your friends don't intentionally do that to hurt you. Since you said that you are a loner in nature, maybe your friends think that you wouldn't like to go with the, because you love being with yourself. Also, I think you need to exert extra effort as well. Try to mingle with them not that they will always adjust on you. That is a give and take relationship. If you want to be a part of the group, you should know how to BLEND IN.. =)
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
I guess they don't mean to hurt me, but sometimes, they're just too insensitive of what others might think and feel with their own actions. I do blend in. Sometimes I feel that could be a problem since I always try to "do their bidding". I always say YES and I rarely say No. I do exert some effort to the point that I think I might be exerting too much effort to people who really don't care. I don't know. Anyways, thanks for the response.
@olivia52779 (66)
• United States
3 Apr 12
It is really hurts when people who you think are your friends leave you out, especially when it starts to be a trend and they leave you out often. You really begin to wonder why and think there must be something wrong with you. I know what you mean, you like both alone time and friend time. The best thing is to just talk to some of them in a positive, but direct way. Maybe they think you are too busy to hang out with them? It is very possible they aren't trying to leave you out, but maybe they are. The best thing would either be to talk to them all together or to each one individually. This way you can maybe figure out what is going on and share your feelings with them.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
3 Apr 12
Well, I guess I really have to gather up every bit of my courage to talk to them about such matters. I just wish I'd know easily how to come up with kind words that won't hurt their feelings in a way, while at the same time, telling them clearly what I wanted to say. Thanks
@mobhomeir (7558)
• Philippines
3 Apr 12
Hello penrockerchic what can I say is that..don't push your self too hard on this people. Maybe they have something with you that they don't like it. They can just tell the truth. Find another circle of friends...you can't please all of your friends....
Regards.
Mobhomeir here.
040312
@maezee (41988)
• United States
1 Apr 12
That sucks. I sort of know the feeling, in my 'group' of closest friends I have 4 other friends. Sometimes it seems like they pair off and I'm the one who ends up alone! But they always invite me along (well, actually, I am always the one who plans EVERYTHING because no one else bothers to). Maybe you should look for a new group of friends. Or maybe YOU should plan something with all of you and see how it works instead of just going along when they plan something.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
Yeah, I guess you're right. And with the pairing up thing, I sometimes feel that as well, especially if we're in huge groups and our number is an odd number and they seem to pair up. That really feels awful, like you don't have somebody by your side when you're all having a stroll or something. It feels like, at times I have to stay behind just so that the space won't look too awkward. You've got a pretty good advice and it made me think of planning something and see where it leads to. Thank you so much!
@venkatachary (1165)
• India
1 Apr 12
Normally it happens in a Office group of friends.In this, the situation is when we are unwanted guest or we are not use for the friends.
It is not good behaviour of the friends. When friends gather in a function or any other get together, atleast there should be a courtsey call. Also in between the talks the friends should notleave. To leave one should take the permission before leaving.
However , all should have the courtesy. No friends should be hurt for attending the group.You do not feel sorry for that, the friends do not have the courtesy.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, these friends I'm referring to are not my office mates. Although, I have to say that even though I am close to my work mates, I still don't categorize them as my friend. I don't know why. But anyways, it is right that each person should extend some form of courtesy and respect no matter who that person is and no matter how deep the friendship could be.
@obe212003 (2299)
• Philippines
1 Apr 12
Probably, as you stated you're a loner, and your friends actually knows that too, and that is why you feel that you're being left out on your own. Try to be more amiable and try to appreciate their company, a little sense of humor surely would probably do perk up your image.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
I am a loner but when as I said, I also like hanging out with my friends. It's just that at times, they do seem to leave me out of the loop when they have plans of meeting each other out for some coffee, dinner or movie and that's what really bothers me. When I'm with them, I appreciate their company. But, when I'm not with them, they seem to forget that I'm just a text away or something like that.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
1 Apr 12
If you feel that way tell them! It's the only way to find out if it's just in your head or for real. And if it comes to going out together: no matter if you are busy or not if you agree with a certain time you have to be in time. You can't make a group of people always wait for you.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
2 Apr 12
Telling them might not be a good idea since it might stir up some misunderstandings among us and the last thing on my mind right now is pick up a fight, even though how small it could be. And with what you said about being on time, I really try to be on time. I do. But, those were just a couple of times that I was late for a few minutes and they couldn't wait for me. But, if I'm the one early and someone else had to go overtime or had to go somewhere first before meeting us, even though I know that my other friends and I are already so hungry, way past dinner time, we still wait for her. They never seemed to do that for me. Anyway, I guess, no matter what, I still have to be on time.
@chicgale (2982)
• Philippines
4 Apr 12
Sorry to here about it penrockerchic. I know what you feel coz sometimes I feel the same. I think you should tell your friends or just tell one of them who you feel like talking to, and he/she will tell the others after your conversation. Or, if you don't feel like telling anybody about what you feel, just find another friend.
