Should i confess or not?
By shibham
@shibham (16977)
India
April 5, 2012 4:26am CST
Hi everyone....
Perhaps most friends of mine here in mylot, know that i am in a relationship now (otherwise i can say that i have my fiance). It is almost one month over and deep relationship and understandings are growing up. It is so hard to leave her at any cost for me. As this is going to be an everlasting relationship, hence i think there should not have anything to hide from each other.
I have some demerits that i dont know whether i should confess to her or not before marriage? Like to mention that i drank but now i have lessened it as far as i can. I have told her that i smoked and now have lessened which has made her a little bit upset. So, when she will know that i was or am associated with drinking then she will get shocked as i have understood her from our conversation over phone. She may leave me. May be, not sure.
Secondly, once i was kissed by a lady (discussion started here. No.2532397). When my fiance asked me regarding earlier relationship like this one, i was silent and told her that i will express later. (if i let her know this, her reaction is really hard to imagine).
So should i confess this two matters to her earlier to marriage? Actually i dont wish to continue this relationship being a liar) Please advice.
Shibham is busy these days with college exams.
4 people like this
20 responses
@Porcospino (31366)
• Denmark
5 Apr 12
It is a difficult question, because you don't want to scare her away but on the other hand you don't want to lie to her. I am not sure what it is best choice is for you, but I can tell you about my own experience. When my ex-boyfriend and I were together, he hid some important things from me. I understand why he did it, because he was afraid that I would leave him if he told me, but I still wished that he had been honest from the start, and I was a little hurt that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. Based on my own experience I would say it is best to be honest.
If you decide to tell her I think that you should choose your words carefully. Focus on the fact that you have changed your drinking habits. Tell her that it was a problem for you in past, but that things have improved since that time. She might get shocked and see it as something bad, but try to focus on the fact that you have been able to change your habits. Drinking is not a positive thing, but the fact that you have been able to change your habits is a positive thing, because that requires both strength and willpower.
2 people like this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi Porcospino...
You have said that you got hurt thinking that he did not trust you and gave importance to you to cover his demerits (as far i have understood). It is really worth to think. If she is ready to accept any demerits of mine even after marriage and not only the drinking habit but some others (which may create after marriage from her point of view), then she will hurt like you if i lie to her.
Let me think a lot how to confess? you have showed a good path to express. To emphasize on the words that "trying to lessen my habit". I know that drinking is not a positive thing and that is why i scold myself to be stupid at that time when i started to drink.
Have a nice time.
Have a nice time.
@Sreekala (34312)
• India
7 Apr 12
Hello Shibham,
Each and every girl/boy wish to get a 100% perfect partner even thought they knew well it is not possible.
It is not necessary to confess each and everything in your past life. There is no need of doing a post mortem with your past life because past is past and there is no ‘undo’ button in our life. Same time I can understand your concern as you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she asks anything you can honest with your answers. I don’t think that she will ‘leave’ you on hour honesty. If you are willing to reveal all these things then do it before marriage without fearing the consequences. After listening you she can still love and accept you, which means, she is really worth.
On your bad habits, you are already working to leave those. Once you leave those entirely from your life then nothing to worry if she knows it.
Don’t worry much on this Shibham, if she loves you deeply (the same way you love her) then nothing can separate you.
It is not necessary to confess each and everything in your past life. There is no need of doing a post mortem with your past life because past is past and there is no ‘undo’ button in our life. Same time I can understand your concern as you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she asks anything you can honest with your answers. I don’t think that she will ‘leave’ you on hour honesty. If you are willing to reveal all these things then do it before marriage without fearing the consequences. After listening you she can still love and accept you, which means, she is really worth.
On your bad habits, you are already working to leave those. Once you leave those entirely from your life then nothing to worry if she knows it.
Don’t worry much on this Shibham, if she loves you deeply (the same way you love her) then nothing can separate you.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
11 Apr 12
Hi sree..
You are right. each and every bachelor life wishes to have a virgin met in his/her life but it is really impossible to have the same in real.
I know that it is not requirement to confess all details whatever happened in our past (basically in case of marriage) but to build a great basement of second life, trust is important and regarding such importance, confess seems needy. Am i right?
I think as you that she will not leave me but she will get hurt for sure and it will hurt me for days, may be weeks or more.
I am already doing my best to quit those habits but not totally succeeded till date but i do hope that i will, at least before marriage.
thanks for the concern sree.
have a nice time.
have a nice time.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
14 Apr 12
Hi shibham! I think that you should do what you think is right where this is concerned. I don't think that she should hold the past against you. I think that if you present it in a certain manner that it will lessen the blow. I would say that it doesn't matter what happened then because of the bright future you and her have but...then confess..lol. I think that since you two are becoming closer that she will understand that what happened in the past is in the past. If she doesn't understand right away, you can help her by explaining things from that standpoint and letting her know that it was different before you met her.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
14 Apr 12
Hi jen...
I shall not mention anything about my past moment which seems still awkward to me. It really bothers me still now that i was kissed by someone. Regarding my odd habits, i am trying to quit it completely. If i will be able, then i have no need to mention otherwise i will politely.
I have not gotten the chance to get more closed although it is more than one month over. I have met her only twice in this period in her family and with her family. hik.
have a nice time.
have a nice time.
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
5 Apr 12
Woah man! Stop there and right now! Don't go there! Somethings are good as long as they are a mystery. What you need to do is to focus on your current relationship and adjustments you need to make.
If by some result of twisted thinking you go honest with your fiance, let me warn you, you will dig yourself deeper and deeper into trouble. Have you seen Sholay? It will be like Amitabh fixing Dharmendra's marriage to Basanti. One thing will lead to another, one confession to another damnation and you will become the man-slave for all of your life.
Good women extract confessions from their future spouses, then they will do all the dance and drama just to let the man fell lower than a worm. They will reinforce this feeling with an opera performance of forgiveness, and ultimately use it suppress you and your individuality. That is the way homes have run till now, and will run forever.
And would you be able to hear one of her confessions?
Let past issues be buried! Think of the future.
1 person likes this
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
6 Apr 12
The point is what shibam has done is what normally happens in today's life, the new age morality. As you have commented it is no big deal. All logic says since it is not a big deal, it is better unmentioned, undisclosed and just forgotten.
Reactions are varied, because people are different. It is not an exact science to be predicted.
And as I have said people who are about to be married, need to focus on what good they can make out of their present and future. Indiscretions of the past have no place in the whole life about to be experienced.
The worst thing is the situation may bring out a bout of confessions from her, a situation that better not happen, for the couple's good. We always look for acceptance from others, while we suck at it. Anyway, one bout of confession leaves a lot of room for imagination and subsequent recrimination. There will always be a lingering doubt about what else was withheld. People are better off with a black hole in their partner's previous life if marriage is to be about living happily ever after. Acceptance is a very hard thing to do, particularly, based on a confession, skepticism goes on an overdrive here. Not good at all!
My own life has memories, which I confess are not above the board. Nothing immoral, but definitely illegal. They were some illegal acts back in the days of emergency imposed on India. I was an active member of a banned organization. Those will bring my wife to a frenzy. I have not told her, but she came to know some of it, much later, and I simply said "I did it". She ranted and raved, and then she accepted it, probably based on her perception of me as I existed that day. We are at peace now.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (222855)
• Chile
6 Apr 12
I don´t know how courtship is done in your country so it´s difficult to tell you anything. But as a whole, I don´t think that a future wife or a future husband must "confess" anything to the other. Things start coming up little by little: you can´t make a list of your flaws or another or your good points. Is your marriage arranged? Tell us more so that we can understand. Luck!!!
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi marguicha...
I think you have responded my two previous discussions regarding my marriage. Yes, i wrote there that it is an arranged marriage and the date is not fixed. I am taking time to understand each other day by day. I know that the time of confession has not come yet but i think it will come very shortly, hence the discussion is started.
have a nice time.
@allknowing (136099)
• India
6 Apr 12
If you continued with your drinking or the other woman who you are talking about is still in your life then all is not well. Otherwise there is no need to open up.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
As i have told that i am trying to lessen my drinking habit and already succeeded to some extend, so hope i will be able to give up it completely. And about the other woman, i have no relation with her now ( you have missed my discussion regarding that incident). Well, hope you will give a look.
Have a nice time.
@annavi23 (6522)
• Philippines
6 Apr 12
Actually i dont wish to continue this relationship being a liar.
The statement says it all. You have to be true to yourself as well as your fiance. It is still good to be open to your partner for it will be the foundation of your love. Being true means being loyal and being faithful to your partner, isn't it?
Now, you make your decision...
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi annavi...
I am trying to be true to myself along with to her. That is why it is annoying me, what to do? confess or not? her family is highly religious and reserved to some extend. Her family cant take it easily if i confess. Trying to be loyal and faithful.
have a nice time.
@AJsMom (157)
• Philippines
5 Apr 12
Don't pretend to her that you are a saint. Be what you are and say what is in your mind. If you really want to change, it should not be discussed anymore. Just proceed with changing for the better and let her see that you are doing better. In a relationship, there are petty things that need not be discussed anymore but in the case of vices, like drinking and smoking, if you make her believe that you dont smoke and drink, it is unacceptable. Don't be a kid. Act a real man, in the truest sense of the word.
1 person likes this
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
6 Apr 12
HI Shibham,
I appreciate your 'being honest' with your would be and also for minimising your habits pf smoking or drinking etc etc.
Discussing about past relationships for a future relation really is not required but since she is eager to know about your past, there is no harm in telling her that you had a crush or a short time relation but you also have to show/ convey her about your present concerns and the future. I am sure she will understand you or you might have to make her understand 'bachelor' life tragedies won't be repeated once you are committed/ married.
You know in our society, we are bought up in a very conservative way and for us drinking, smoking or dating is not easily acceptable. Though now the scenario is changing but still old school exists.
My husband told me everything about his past life the day we liked each other. Though he had no relationship/s, but he told me about his habit of drinking once a while.......which still conitnues.
Best of luck....
@Tamosree1993 (1525)
• India
5 Apr 12
Hello friend,
I think you should confess to your girl friend. I think every relationship is based on their trust. When the trust breaks, the relation is also breaks this time. So say it now.
Best of luck for your exam and confession. I will hope to see you again.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi Tamosree...
If she takes it seriously and raves a lot or rents.... if she tells it to entire society surrounding her. I have trust in her but my confession may break her trust on me and vise versa. So, thinking a lot what to do?
Thanks for the wishes. Have a nice time.
@rewardsinlife (1132)
• United States
5 Apr 12
Sometimes, it is better to leave things in the past...well...in the past. If you have nothing else to do with that lady since, why stir the pot now? It is over you don't need to bring it up. The drinking is a different problem. Does your fiance not hang out with you enough to know that you are a frequent drinker? If you have cut back, and have stayed at that amount for a while, I would just leave it at that. If you feel like confessing to someone, you have to lots of us already...so maybe take that as consolation? Of course, there are also ministers that will gladly hear your confesssions, no matter what religion you are, so you may feel a little better with it out in the open.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi there... Welcome to mylot.
That lady of my past came to my life for a moment although we were friends from years. you may check that discussion where i exposed what happened that day to me. just kiss... and the relationship ended.
She never gets to know that i have drunk although i talk to her after drinking because i never get intoxicated or drink so much that i can be. I just drink to make my mind attached with whatever i am going to do at night... reading, writing.
I shall try to follow your suggestion. Have a nice time.
@HomeBase (1153)
• United States
6 Apr 12
Since it is important to YOU that you should confess, I say go ahead and confess.
You want to get these things off your chest because you really LIKE this girl and don't want to keep anything from her. She should try to understand this. If she leaves you, then maybe your relationship was not meant to be. She may be mad for awhile, but if she really loves you, she will get over it.
I know a lot of people might say NO! don't confess, because the things that you did are already done and over with, but if YOU feel guilty about not "confessing" to your finance, you are NOT going to feel right withIN yourself unless you tell her.
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi there...
If she reacts in way that very hard to accept by me? if it bothers her hardly? Those issues are striking on my mind and that is why i have started this discussion here in mylot.
You have said the right one too. By confessing the truth, i can judge her love too but not sure about the post scenario of such confession, even hard to imagine too.
I shall tell her but waiting for the proper time coz i wish to get more closed to her before such confession. Our relationship is only weeks old.
Have a nice time.
@GardenGerty (160626)
• United States
5 Apr 12
Personally, I think you need to tell all before you get married. Then there are no surprises. Emphasize to her that you do not want to compound the situation by lying to her. I appreciate the fact that in your country moral behavior is highly prized.
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi garden...
But i dont wish to lose her, if she decides not to live with me after hearing the facts of life, then? i know there are enough girls whom i can marry ( as it is an arranged marriage) but i have tied myself. Thanks for your compliments.
have a nice time.
@Citizen_Stuart (2016)
•
5 Apr 12
It seems to me that you're being a bit hard on yourself. Your previous "sins" are actually fairly trivial (even bearing in mind that your culture is different from mine). It's not like you've been robbing banks or pushing old ladies under busses. No perfect person has ever existed in history, we're all guilty of the odd misdemeanour. If your fiance is really the right life partner for you, she will understand that. She herself will have one or two things in her past that she's not proud of, I can guarantee that. It seems to me that the important thing is that you're both honest with each other and commit to being the best husband and wife team you possibly can be.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi dear..
You are right. No one is perfect in this world. Everyone is a victim of time and they have done anything which worth not to do from the real perception of life. I have not committed any serious crime unless the mentioned two (dont know were they crime or fault of time which pushed me to do?). I have not ever asked her about her past life but sure as a human being she is not also 100% perfect but i have no need to know her imperfections. I am trying to be honest and sincere on my coming married life.
Have a nice time.
@2004cqui (2812)
• United States
5 Apr 12
I believe transparency in any relationship is absolutely necessary, because she must admire you as much as you do her! No one should be surprised after a marriage! After 30 years of marriage I know there are enough other surprises to come up. Lies, like deceit way much more heavily in the beginning than they do years later. But mostly you'll find out right away how she handles making decisions that could make you admire her that much more!
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi dear...
She trusts me a lot as far my conception is concerned. She loves be wholeheartedly and there is nothing wrong in this love and affection. I will try to quit it completely.. I mean my drinking habit... and if i will not be able then confess just before marriage. And about the kiss, i have buried that incident but it always haunt me while talking to her.
have a nice time.
@sjvg1976 (41281)
• Delhi, India
5 Apr 12
Hi shibham,
Its really a tough question for any one.
But i would suggest you not to reveal things which may upset her.Its not at all essential that you need to tell her everything which you did in the past.You must forget your past if you want to make your future better.
Secondly there would be no girl who would marry you when she listens about what you did in the past similarly you too won't accept a girl for it.And if you will accept her if she did something which you did in the past then really you are great.At least in India you won't such a case at least i won't accept.
But i would suggest you not to reveal things which may upset her.Its not at all essential that you need to tell her everything which you did in the past.You must forget your past if you want to make your future better.
Secondly there would be no girl who would marry you when she listens about what you did in the past similarly you too won't accept a girl for it.And if you will accept her if she did something which you did in the past then really you are great.At least in India you won't such a case at least i won't accept.
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi sjvg...
Yes, tough and that is why i have chosen mylot to get the proper solution.
I think if i reveal then definitely it will upset her and my rent for days. Right said, should forget the past which is totally irrelevant to present.
I have not asked anything to her regarding her past but ready to accept it... not a matter how much bitter truth it is for me but sincerely speaking prior to marriage. No suspense to reveal after marriage and that is why i am in dilemma for myself too.
Have a nice time.
@Inderjeetkaur (944)
• India
5 Apr 12
Hello Shibham,
Well, after reading your post I got reminded of my best friend. My best friend's fiance lied to her about his drinking habit. This caused a lot of friction between them during the early days of their marriage. My friend keeping firm faith in God began praying for her husband. She wanted him to quit this bad habit and her prayers got answered. What I want to imply with this is that she got very hurt and upset with her husband's drinking habit.
You are saying it would be hard for you to leave her at any cost and also that you have understood that she will not accept your drinking habit and may leave you. I would suggest that if you can give up drinking completely before marriage then don't tell her anything about it, but if you cannot then it would be better to tell her now only. If she is destined to be yours she will be. Have trust in God and keep faith in your relationship.
As far as past relationships are concerned, I would say anything that has no relevance in your present life need not to be mentioned.
Good luck friend!
&
All the best for your exams!
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Apr 12
Hi Inderjeet...
I dont drink to that limit where i become intoxicated. Most often a person with whom i talk cant guess that i have drunk. I drink a little quantity but it is my stupidity too and like to quit completely. I hope that i will be able to quit it totally before married although this habit has been sustaining for years. So, i am taking time till the date is announced (marriage date). If i will not be able, then will confess to her.
Past relationship, nope it was not a relationship. She was just my friend and once she grabbed me and kissed when she was needy of love. The story was ended at that time.
Have a nice time.
