Not actually my husband.. but boyfriend of a year and a half *

@tashh23 (115)
April 13, 2012 3:14am CST
What do you do when you're with someone a year and a half..(That may not be forever, but we still have a place together, have a dog and things bought together, had a life built together and a future planned) I was cheated on, Christmas eve 2010 by this man, he was very drunk uncapable of making good decisions and didn't know what he was doing, we had only been dating a couple weeks at that point. He was honest with me the next day, told me upfront and said he didn't think we'd last. I gave him another chance because he was so honest and I wanted to see if it would work..I didn't wanna just give up on something I thought would be a really good thing without really trying it first..Time went on, we had a wonderful relationship for the most part (few small arguments now and then but everyone has those!). I've never cared for someone so damn much in my whole life, he's my everything. First person I ever had a real mature relationship and I think so highly of him. He's amaxing and just all around a good person. Not like the other men around here & I was so happy I gave him another chance. There was another girl I had suspected maybe they had done stuff together and I've asked him plenty of times within the past year and he had always said no. Last night, we got into a pretty bad argument and he unblocked the 4 people he had blocked on his Facebook account to make me mad (He's done that before when we've gotten into arguments to make me mad. Because the four girls he had blocked they all had very good reasons to be blocked..I'm not controlling or nothing it's just, the first girl was his craxy exgirlfriend, 2nd was the first girl he cheated on me with, 3rd was a girl that had tried to break us up and the 4th was the girl I had suspected he'd done stuff with that's a major sl*t) .. But this time when he unblocked the girls, he had done something different.. He had emailed one of them asking to hang out saying how he missed that they were such good friends.. I'm assuming he did it to make me mad..I know this because this morning when I got the laptop to go on Facebook, I clicked it and it opened his account automatically cause he was still signed in and I had noticed he emailed her so obviously I read it thinking that was suspicious.. I then emailed her back saying "Nevermind about chilling I'm sorry I just wasn't thinking before I said that" and this girl continued to email back(thinking it was my boyfriend) & had mentioned how they stopped hanging out last Spring.. Which I was completly unaware that they even hung out in the first place while he was with me at all. I then asked "Was that the time we did stuff" and she had explained how it was when they would hang out and she would go over to his house during the day and that they slept together once.. After I read that, I asked my boyfriend if he had slept with her or cheated on me at all with her and he of course lied to me and then I told him that I knew.. I was so shocked, to know that my boyfriend had slept with another girl in OUR house in OUR bed while WE were dating while I was at school .. And after my boyfriend and I had been talking, he and this girl both told me that they hung out all the time, and this was last spring and I had no idea about it at all..SO while I was at school or work, he'd have her over because they were "best friends" and she'd always be gone before I got back and he'd never mention anything to me about them even hanging out..If I had of known they were even friends I wouldn't of minded that they hung out alone or even the 3 of us (obviously before I knew he slept with her).. So I'm pretty f*ing hurt that it's a year later and I'm finding this out from someone else..Knowing that he went behind my back so many times, and made sure she was gone before I got home everytime, me having no idea what so ever that he slept with her in our bed while I was gone is just unbelievable to me. I'm shocked, I could not stop shaking for hours...Mainly because he straight up told me the day after he cheated on me the first time.. So I just don't know why he wasn't honest this time as well..They hung out all the time and apparently only slept together the once.. I am aware that they were really good friends even before my boyfriend and I were together, and that it was not planned.. Point is, it still happened and I was lied to my face for over a year.. Next part, he tried to turn it around on me after he realised he was caught. He got mad because I was on his Facebook..Which is compelety reasonable in a way.. But at the same time I'm glad it opened or I would have never found out and I at least deserve the truth and honesty..I've been faithful to this man, like I said I do love him.. and I'm not perfect either, I've been in his situation with an ex boyfriend before that's why I gave him another chance the first time when he told me because I understand mistakes are made and sh*t happens but I've been faithful to my boyfriend. I gave up my dreams and a lot of my life, friends and family to be with him and he's done SO much for me as well, he's been there every step of the way, helped me more than anyone ever has.. & I do know it's not good to go on someone else's Facebook (I didn't do it often and this time it actually opened on it's own to his profile because he was still logged in) but do you think I'm at wrong for doing it.. I think he just turned it around on me because never thought I'd find out.. I just don't know what to do.. We've been together for a long time and we have a place together and a dog.. I don't just wanna walk away from all that when I KNOW we have something so good and the 2 times he cheated on me were well over a year ago, they just feel recent to me because I just found out tonight, a couple hours ago, about the second time, and I just don't even know at all..I got fired yesterday as well and it just seems like my life fell apart in 24 hours. HELP!!!! What do you guys think I should do.. Stay or leave .. any advice would be muchly appreciated and helpful. Like I said, we do have a life together and I honestly can't picture my life without him. I'm just so hurt I was lied to for so long. We've done so much for each other and spent so much time/memories and it was a long time ago but I really need help, what do you all think .. and I do apologise for just dumping my life issues on you all lol. I'm still very new to myLot (I started this week) so I'm not really sure if this discussion is one that shouldn't be on here.. but I just need help, I didn't know where else to turn to and I needed someway to express myself. So if anyone has any advice, help, opinions, thoughts or if they think I was at wrong for reading the message in the first place (Remember, I am aware it's not cool to be on someone elses Facebook but I deserved to know the truth, any other time I wouldn't have been on it )that would be awesome..!!! Thank you.
1 response
• Philippines
13 Apr 12
That is so sad. You seem to be a very patient girlfriend and you do not deserve to be treated that way. You have given chances and he keeps on doing it. I understand that you love him so much and you don't want to let go of him. But, think of yourself too. He has been fooling you all this time. You have forgiven him thinking that he would change and would not do it again but what I can see is that, he has been doing it because he knows that you will always forgive him. He can see how much he means to you and he is taking advantage of it. You might try to let him do what he wants to do in life. If he wants to go out, let him. Try not to show how much you love him. Sometimes, you just have to act like you don't care at all. Don't be too dependent on him. Let him feel that you CAN live without him. About accessing the facebook account, for me, it is not cool. If you have accessed it accidentally, then that's fine. But if you did it on purpose, I think that it's invading someone else's privacy. I know that you have been together for quite sometime but I really think it is still not proper to access it. If you have been suspecting about his girls, confront him. If you think that he is not telling the truth, then, let him do his thing. He'll get tired of it anyway. The decision is always up to you. If you still want to be with him, then you will really have to keep up with all his lies. But if you can no longer take the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen. Never forget to love yourself. If you think you have been hurting too much, then give your heart a rest. You can always someone better. You can find someone who will love you more than you love him. Stay strong and show to them how happy and beautiful you are. I know it's hard but once you learn to appreciate yourself and accept everything that has happened, you will be able to move on with hope and you can look back with a smile.
@tashh23 (115)
14 Apr 12
I sort of disagree about the part of accessing his Facebook, like I love you responding and giving advice helped A LOT and I appreciate that. This time, honestly was an accident at first I was not planning on going on it till I had the reason to. I didn't go on it everyday or anything, but if I felt the need to, I believe I had a right to in one way (I do believe in privacy as well). Most other people tell me that once in a relationship after a certain length, you should trust each other to be able to go on eachother's Facebooks or emails. Why..Because neither of you should have anything to hide. I would have NEVER found out about this, ever, if I wasn't on his Facebook....and I deserve to know so I'm glad I did. Also, him cheating was over a YEAR ago.. He has been faithful ever since for a fact.. He had a LOT of issues with his ex girlfriend, she changed him into a bad person and he just didn't think we were going to last. After this girl, he had quit contact with her and wanted to prove to me that he could be trustworthy and change his life around because he realised not every girl is like his craxy ex girlfriend. And he has done a good job making better decisions. I never wanted him to change the person he was, that's the man I fell in love with.. But he's made a lot of postitive changes as to the person he wants to become. It's dumb to say a boy is your "whole life".. But in a way..he really is in this situation...I don't have too many other people anymore, we have a place leased for another year together, a dog, furniture & tvs bought together, somewhat of a future planned together.. It's like what do I do.. Turn my back and walk away from that all, my whole life, everything. I know you can always start over but it's just still so shocking to me.. And if I leave he's gonna think he's at wrong for trying to change to be a better person after what happened, happened. Like I mentioned, it was over a year ago and I know after that nothing more has happened between him and any other girl.. I strongly agree with what you said about him taking advantage of the fact he knows how much I do care for him, you're probably right about how I should act like I don't care. There's been lots of other situations where he would be in a good mood and all of a sudden when I ask a question he snaps and freaks out to then five minutes later, be all "I love you". So I'm very used to arguing and then him acting like nothing happened and continuing on with the day..Which is good to do in some situations, but in others it's bests to discuss what has happened and been said for what reasons. I'm scared to lose him. I don't wanna just give up when we have something so good..But you are so right in so many ways about all of this. It's just so confusing and shocking to realise what has been done, even though it was over a year ago, it feels recent to me because I'm just finding out. Thank you for all your help and for responding, it did help me a lot and I appreciate that a lot