Would You Say It's Harder To Make Friends When You're Older? 'Tis For Me.
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
April 20, 2012 8:00am CST
My nephew Tom has the right idea. Whenever he goes out (even if it's a few yards to the shops) it takes him ages because he knows so many people and he talks to all of them as he's not an ignorant person. Most of them are acquaintances rather than true friends and he has them as "back up" if he ever falls out with his best mates!
I, on the other hand, HAVE had friends, especially at his age (early 20s) but I'm not very good at KEEPING my friends, and I've never known more than a couple of friends at any one time. I regret this now because, even if I wanted to try and track a couple of them down (and I refuse to go on Facebook) one of them is married and I don't know her surname and the other one is single as far as I know but she knows where my parents live and I am frightened of rejection so don't bother ringing her up from Carlisle. What on earth would she think if I just rang her out the blue after years and years of absolutely nothing? I don't think she'd be impressed, do you? Even my friend from Preston has gone quiet on me (she turned up at our wedding "do" with her husband) and I've no idea why she's behaving this way. I sent her a Christmas card with a letter but I've heard nothing from her since and it's so upsetting being so f*cking unpopular lol.
When I was a season-ticket holder at Carlisle United I made lots of friends through that but we never socialised outside the football, although they all turned up at our wedding "do" which was a lovely feeling. One lady in particular (Jenny) has asked John on Facebook if we're OK and he told her "we'll see her before the football season is finished." The thing is, I know we won't because we've got into a rut of not going, plus the fact it saves £40 a time if we stay away.
My feeling is..if she's that bothered about us why not come and visit?
I really am fed up of having part-time friends who say they're bothered about our welfare but aren't really...and yes, we do know where Jenny and her husband live but it would look odd turning up on their doorstep for the first time ever. John's known them for a lot longer than I have and he's never visited them or vice versa, so why should we start now?
I guess, what I'm trying to say is...I find it very hard to keep hold of my friends, no matter where they may be now.
My advice to anyone out there who has got friends is to keep them..real close...even the ones that get on your nerves.
You never know when you might need them.
I, on the other hand, HAVE had friends, especially at his age (early 20s) but I'm not very good at KEEPING my friends, and I've never known more than a couple of friends at any one time. I regret this now because, even if I wanted to try and track a couple of them down (and I refuse to go on Facebook) one of them is married and I don't know her surname and the other one is single as far as I know but she knows where my parents live and I am frightened of rejection so don't bother ringing her up from Carlisle. What on earth would she think if I just rang her out the blue after years and years of absolutely nothing? I don't think she'd be impressed, do you? Even my friend from Preston has gone quiet on me (she turned up at our wedding "do" with her husband) and I've no idea why she's behaving this way. I sent her a Christmas card with a letter but I've heard nothing from her since and it's so upsetting being so f*cking unpopular lol.
When I was a season-ticket holder at Carlisle United I made lots of friends through that but we never socialised outside the football, although they all turned up at our wedding "do" which was a lovely feeling. One lady in particular (Jenny) has asked John on Facebook if we're OK and he told her "we'll see her before the football season is finished." The thing is, I know we won't because we've got into a rut of not going, plus the fact it saves £40 a time if we stay away.
My feeling is..if she's that bothered about us why not come and visit?
I really am fed up of having part-time friends who say they're bothered about our welfare but aren't really...and yes, we do know where Jenny and her husband live but it would look odd turning up on their doorstep for the first time ever. John's known them for a lot longer than I have and he's never visited them or vice versa, so why should we start now?
I guess, what I'm trying to say is...I find it very hard to keep hold of my friends, no matter where they may be now.
My advice to anyone out there who has got friends is to keep them..real close...even the ones that get on your nerves.
You never know when you might need them.6 people like this
18 responses
@francesca5 (1344)
•
20 Apr 12
have you created any defensive strategies, that may unintentionally make you appear less friendly, as you did say you feared rejection, and that was why you didn't contact someone you knew.
i am not suggesting for one second that you are anything like her, but you must have read the story of samantha brick, and how other women are all jealous of her beauty, that was a perfect example of a defensive strategy, that would make people not like her. i am not suggesting you have anything like that as a defensive strategy, its just such a good recent example of one. but if you are wondering too much what other people are thinking of you then that can have an affect on how you get on with people, its things like that.
3honor is absolutely right you have to be open and friendly, and put yourself in their shoes too, and realise that they may be wondering if you like them, and fearing rejection too.
i find hobbies a good way to meet people, evening classes or something, as if you go somewhere regularly and meet the same group of people there is bound to be someone you will get on with.
i don't know what you would enjoy, but if you find something that really interests you then that always gives you something in common, and something to talk about.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 Apr 12
I'm no Samantha Brick and I don't want to be like her either. However, I do tend to make just one or two friends and rely on them rather than accumulate many. I can't interact with women in particular..men I find easier to talk to and my idea of a fun night would be to invite myself to a Stag Do lol.
I do think my confidence is low due to not having a job. Once that is sorted (and I do have a good feeling about this year) I will be able to make friends in the workplace.
The thing is, I don't think it will be in Carlisle, but in Blackpool, where I used to live. I find Carlisle women hard to get along with and the fact I wasn't born and bred here doesn't help.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
22 Apr 12
The thing is John is just as passionate about Carlisle and its people than I am of my hometown, Blackpool. There are similarities between the two but I feel that Carlisle is insular and - quite frankly, racist as its predominantly white in its population. Obviously I knew this before I moved here but I am quite shocked at the language Cumbrians use at times..and yet they worship an ex Carlisle football player that visits occasionally. How two-faced is that? Women here are a bit odd too and I can't put my finger on why. They need to lighten up and stop being dominated by their husbands.
@francesca5 (1344)
•
21 Apr 12
i used to find it easier to make friends with men, than with women, and as i got older and they found girlfriends and wives, it became too much of a problem. i just liked a lot of boring male things, like maths,and the wrong sort of music, so i got on with them better.
there are, though, other women out there like you, even in carlisle, and its just finding them, which is why doing something that interests you as a hobby helps, because you are more likely to meet like minded people that way.
but as long as you can move your whole household to blackpool, and not leave husband behind i would try moving back there, as i think people in different areas of the uk are just different, its very strange, but they are, and i like some areas better than others just because of the people.
@changjiangzhibin89 (16764)
• China
21 Apr 12
I think that most of your friends live in Blackpool and Preston.The former is where you were born and bred,the latter where you worked before.Needless to say, you were unlikely to keep track of each of them after you moved in Carlisle.Since each of you are busy in your own matter and you see something of each other,you come to become estranged from each other.When it comes to making friend,I don't think It has much to do with age.In real life,It is hard to make a bosom friend.Many acquaintance smell the stink of money.It isn't worth while making friends with them.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 Apr 12
Another guy I lived with loved the stink of my money, believe me.
He's long gone though, thank goodness. Probably fleecing someone else..or in prison!
@changjiangzhibin89 (16764)
• China
23 Apr 12
"What 's bred in the bone will come out in the flesh."
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
20 Apr 12
I found it very difficult to have friends when in my younger years. Today I am blessed with many close, dear, helpful friends because I made the first move instead of waiting for them. They may have no idea you're wondering why they don't call or visit.
The one friend who asked about your welfare made the first move then she was dropped because you don't go to football any more. Why not reach her or have John do it on Facebook and ask her over for lunch one day. The reason you give "We never seem to have time to really talk at football. Thought this would be much better way to get to know each other."
When I move into a community instead of waiting around hoping someone will notice and make a huge fuss, I send out party invitations as soon as the house can hold a few people in between moving boxes. I greet those who accept with huge hugs, welcoming them into our home. I always have games prepared that let us get to know each other better.
One thing I discovered from this is that not only does my family meet new neighbors, but sometimes neighbors who have lived within a house or two of each other really meet and become friends for the first time! I'm now known as the friend who brought the neighborhood together.
Try it. Being shy or afraid of the consequences does absolutely nothing to solve your problem. When you go out of your way to welcome others in, it's amazing some of the things that happen.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 Apr 12
I'll give it some serious thought..thanks.
You're an awesome person by the way.
@laken02 (3065)
• United States
22 Apr 12
i have a few good frineds from back home that i talk to thru facebook when i get on which is seldom but its there if i need it..or want to talk to them.. or i have there numbers and i can call them but i hardly do that either.. i do call my two aunts in my dads side alot and feel very close to them.. and as for friends at home i have a close frined i talk to daily who lives close but is super busy so we dont get to do anything like going out.. i have 2 online friends i met and somwtimes o go swimming with brandy.. and me and summere hane not met in peron yet but she live fairly close as well.. so keep in tocuh woth those 3 friends and that is it for now.. i get to see new people daily at work and that nice as well...
so yes keep your good frineds as they are special in yur life and much needed
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 Apr 12
I would if I had some lol. I know what you mean though. Working keeps you interacting with different people and that's good.
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
20 Apr 12
Actually, we all develop our ways of thinking and working and our lives get so busy that we do hate any changes in our routine. So, we can no longer take things lightly like we used to in the past. It is not you, it is everybody. Only the very rich and influential have friends even as they age for obvious reasons. Otherwise, it is perfectly normal. :)
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 Apr 12
I think it's such a shame that the only time me and hubby go out for a drink is on New Year's Eve. No wonder the pubs are shutting down if other people have the same attitude. The pub used to be the centre of the universe as far as I was concerned..but that's all gone. My nephew is carrying on the family tradition of frequenting pubs rather than staying in getting "bladdered" and I'm really pleased about this. Pubs are the best place to socialise, not Facebook, in my opinion but what do I know? I'm old-fashioned but proud of it lol.
@WildHorses (718)
• United States
22 Apr 12
I can count my friends in two hands. I can count my very close friends in ONE. That being said, I believe it's not a matter of age. Even in my younger years, I only had one - two friends at a time. My life in many stages consisted of The Three Musketeers and right now is no exception. I like it this way better anyways, because it allows for real growth and bondage with my friends, and they are invaluable.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 Apr 12
With me it has always been "Two's company, three's a crowd" as I'm no good at interacting with a few friends at any one time as I end up being friendlier with one than the others and comparing them. This - I know has limited the number of friends over the years, for obvious reasons but it was all in my hands to change and get along with the annoying ones but I never did. I admire those who can.
@GardenGerty (160665)
• United States
21 Apr 12
I have about three good friends. I have not seen any of them in ages, though. Not for fun activities anyway. I am seeing one regularly as I am helping her find a little part time work. One friend e mails me occasionally and says, lets get together sometime, but it does not materialize. The third one works two jobs, has a child graduating from high school and one from college next month. She is busy. When we were both out of work we got together once a month or so. I do not know that it is my age so much as just my personality.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
22 Apr 12
At least you have some form of contact. I don't even have email contact with my - I suppose, "ex" friends. One lady I worked with a while back (Nadia) enthusiastically sent me cards and she would use her boyfriend's email address at times..but she's gone very quiet so I suspect she's split with him. Whenever anything goes wrong in a friend's life I'm never a person they confide in. It's such a shame because I would NEVER betray a friend's trust by blabbing to their ex, or some such nonsense.
@derek_a (10874)
•
21 Apr 12
Hi Janey.. I think that when I was young I used to hang-out a lot more than I do now.. I can't imagine hanging our with a few guys on a street corner of a evening now, like I used to do. Can you imagine a group of old guys doing that? 
So friends are not really there. Also I work alone from home and am now semi-retired anyway. I used to go to pubs at one time, but one day, just quit. I suddenly started to think it was an expensive pastime that usually provided me with a good hang-over the next day if I had that "one for the road" I guess now that friends are my neighbours as we often have a chat and compare notes about our garden lawns and how to get rid of all the dandylions that are forever popping up. I guess friends are on-line now, so I could say that I've got friends all over the world.. You included of course..
_Derek
So friends are not really there. Also I work alone from home and am now semi-retired anyway. I used to go to pubs at one time, but one day, just quit. I suddenly started to think it was an expensive pastime that usually provided me with a good hang-over the next day if I had that "one for the road" I guess now that friends are my neighbours as we often have a chat and compare notes about our garden lawns and how to get rid of all the dandylions that are forever popping up. I guess friends are on-line now, so I could say that I've got friends all over the world.. You included of course.. _Derek@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 Apr 12
Ditto! Yes, the internet has been an amazing tool to get to know other people no matter where they might be. It never fails to amaze me how much the world seems to be shrinking due to the way we communicate now.
Would still prefer a pint down the pub though..2 of which have shut down, one of whom has been turned into a bookies.
Yes, the internet has been an amazing tool to get to know other people no matter where they might be. It never fails to amaze me how much the world seems to be shrinking due to the way we communicate now.
Would still prefer a pint down the pub though..2 of which have shut down, one of whom has been turned into a bookies.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
20 Apr 12
I'm with so many others here on this. Get interested in something and be yourself. You'll make new and lasting friends plus give you something to do (if you need it). Good friends will be with you through thick and thin. I have friends that I don't see for years but when we do meet up boy do we have a good time. Well did before I got sick and have to be in bed about 9pm every night! LOL.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
21 Apr 12
I would say that it is harder to make friends as we get older because everyone is set into their old friendship patterns and not always thinking about where they can make more friends. As we age, our priorities change, and our families start to become more important than our friends so we might lose touch with people who we thought we would be friends with for the rest of our lives. I have experienced this, and I only have four friends now who are the same as when I went to High School. Try and join a new class, like art or exercise or something, and meet people who have the same interests as you.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 Apr 12
I never had kids either. If I'd got pregnant like two of my friends did (including Caroline shown in the box above) we'd have something in common..and I've never seen any kids my friends have given birth too, not even fairly recent ones. I say "recent" but Diane had her child about 12 years ago. I saw the baby by accident once as I was riding my bike but never since then. Perhaps my friend doesn't think I'm interested as I have no children of my own?
@cerebellum (3863)
• United States
21 Apr 12
I was very shy when I was younger and had a hard time making friends. Now I am not as shy, but I am disabled and stay home a lot, so I don't see many people. I have friends from grade school and from working different places and I make sure to stay in touch with them. I am glad I did too because now that I am disabled, they help me out as much as they can! I agree that yo should keep hold of friends no matter what because you never know.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 Apr 12
It's good you have kept your grade school friends and I can tell they make you happy. Good for you.
@naija4real (1291)
•
21 Apr 12
I am afraid because of my desire to make other post I am unable to read through your lengthy article or contribution. However, going by your headline, I would like to say that I am the type that find it difficult to make friends as an adult. Many years back when I was a kid it was a lot better especially at schools that is college, university etc.
The reason is that young people have young innocent mind that can easily be adapted to finding friends and keeping them. However, adult friendship is filled with betrayers, slanders, blackmails, etc I have seen or heard newspapers reports of adult friends who ended up killing their friends, some even confessed sleeping with the wife of their friends.
But friendship associated with young children is filled with true innocent love and understanding. Although there are some that have gone wrong.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
22 Apr 12
I would never kill a friend although I have thought about it. Haha! Only joking..I think!
@Ma2rvi (22)
•
20 Apr 12
Yah it happens because when you are young you free to do anything you want like you dont have that ego with you which always ask you not to be the first one ,when we grow up we actually becom choosy and feels hesitate in choosing friends asking a person to be a friend.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 Apr 12
I'm more choosy than most which is probably my downfall. I mean, I'm not exactly perfect...I know that.
@doroffee (4222)
• Hungary
21 Apr 12
I have an observation like, when you're younger, you get into communities where there are people who ARE looking for friends. After that, you might have to be lucky to find one. But I don't think it's impossible :D. It's not worth giving up, be open and someday I'm pretty sure you're going to find one :).
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
22 Apr 12
It's also funny that, years ago, I'd be up for any "do" that came along, connected with work but, as I got older I wasn't really that interested. I don't know why that is!
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 Apr 12
Yes, you sum it up quite nicely there. I keep having this morbid thought that I will die alone stinking of pee lol.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
20 Apr 12
I have a few good friends, two to be exact. We've had a falling out in the past but they took me back and I love them for it. They are true friends and no matter how much we get together, we still try to keep in touch whenever we can. I don't ever want to lose them again regardless of where we all are in life.
It is hard to keep true friends and one I thought was a true friend I've lost because she showed not to be as mature as the rest of us.
I've gained other friends since, and one is a really great friend, but none are as great as my group of friends now.
I am 24, and I don't make friends so easy but I guess that's because I am a bit anti social!
@inertia4 (27960)
• United States
25 Apr 12
Im this world you're lucky if you wind up with just one true friend. I have known people through the years and I had friends growing up also. I lost touch with them. I am friends with some of them on FaceBook, but I never really go on there for much these days. I do have one friend from high school that I have always spent time with hanging out. To this day we hang out together. So, things do change and like I said, we are entitled to at least one true friend. I am sure you are fine and even if you never get in touch with these friends, you always have your family and your husband. Being happy is what its all about.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
20 Apr 12
I never found it easy to make friends, never really had a good friend as a kid. Reason: I never found someone like me and also my life was way different from others. The friends I had were mostly adult, now I am older it's easier to make contacts, I do share more but still I would not call it friends. Also I love to be alone.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 Apr 12
I can never figure out if I love being alone or not. I'm married but still feel alone. It's not that I cannot communicate with my husband..it's just that we're naturally quiet and I can be on my computer whilst he watches television then falls asleep after he's been working all day. The last thing he wants is an in-depth conversation after a long day at work.
When I was younger I chose to be on my own although I did play outside with my friends. Unfortunately, I tended to be the one that got left out so, invariably, I would go back inside the house and read or use colouring-in books to while away the time. It was either do this or go mad. I suppose the computer has now replaced my books.
