Dealing with people who really don't deserve you...

yes i agree i think many support groups work becasue everyone there either has almost the same story or they can relate and they understand it and are able to help the others around them feel like they are not alone. i am married with 2 kids now and i feel like my whole life has been put on hold for everyone else. i feel likt my family should be first (and me to) but it seems everyone else thinks they should be the number 1 people in my life. i am unable to get things done at home or for my family because i have been to busy trying to make everyone happy. i have had many people who i thought deserved friendship with me and i thought deserved my time but in the end they turned up just using me. the neighbor i was telling you about she would do a lot for me to (at first) and the night we argued she was heling me then to but there is something diffrent about her now and she was trying to treat me as a child and tell me how i NEED to do things and that is not how i work. this is MY life not hers. i have decided that she wasnt worth it so i think i have decided to just let it go and what happens happens but if we ever do talk again she will not get as much from me as she wants. even my grandma takes a lot of time because she is old and needs a lot of help. she pays my bills so i feel obligated to do these things for her. i dont mind helping but sometimes it is everyday and that is to much for me. i cant even get a job because i am so afraid she will need me and i wont be there. i have now started to learn the word no because i need to be at home to do things. i slmost lost my house and actually i still could because my land lord hasnt given us an answer yet and all this is because i was doing to much for others and not enough at home... i agree with the way that you explained that with the garden because it is so true and so right. i feel like my life is the unattended garden going to waste while everyone elses garden gets prettier and prettier. yes it is very draining and i wish i would have valued my time better also. my grandma would do anything for anyone if she could and even with her being old she does what she can for others so i guess this is where i got it from. i love helping others but after a certain point it just has to stop. many people dont appriciate it they just take it for granted and use you. it was also nice to hear your story because all this time i thought that i was alone in how i was feeling and i thought that i was a bad person for feeling like i needed time for MY LIFE and the things I need to do with MY time for ME and MY FAMILY not everyone in the world around me.

We are indeed kindred spirits. It is a good thing that you are doing, taking care of your grandmother. Please never stop. Don't grow weary taking in care of her, SHE needs you. You are doing a GOOD thing. Your own family needs you. Other people...well, they are going to have to wait in line, and even after waiting in line, you STILL may never get to them. But don't worry, they will find someone else to use. I, too, took care of an elderly relative, my great Aunt, for years. She was blind and elderly, but she raised me from an infant, so she was my mother. She lived 3 blocks away from me, but was I overwhelmed with the "daily-ness" of the task of going over to take care of her, and YET I would find the time to stand outside for HOURS talking to one of my neighbors. Do you see the error of that picture?? Hind-sight is 20/20, so if you will, allow me to share with you what I learned from that period of time, and what I would do differently if I could. Just two things, very simple, but NOT easy. 1) I would relax. Calm it waaaaaay down, and 2) Eliminate ALL time wasters=energy leaks. First of all, I had a LOT of energy leaks. If I had it to do all over again I would make sure those energy leaks were not there. For instance, during the day I might talk to, and HOLD CONVERSATIONS with, several different people at my Aunts building ie the security guards (different shifts), people in the laundry room when I would be doing my aunt's laundry, people in McDonalds, neighbors, different young men that worked in her building...you get the picture. Then when I got home, I would have several energy leaks THERE...talking on the phone to "friends" (people that I no longer am even in TOUCH with now-a-days), holding long conversations when I would go to pay my rent in the rental office, or when I would be in the laundry room doing MY laundry, talking with various people at my son's school. 5 minutes here, 2 minutes there, 10 minutes here. That ADDS UP, and it is something that I would cut OUT if I had it to do all over again. All the time that you've spent helping your neighbor, could be used as YOUR "me-time", or used to help your grandmother, or your own household. My aunt would still get plently of my time, because she was my sweety, and like your grandmother, my aunt paid MY bills. I could have easily helped her DAILY had I managed my time more efficiently, but that takes work and DISCIPLINE and telling people NO. No, not today, maybe some other time. I've really got to go. My son, of course, would get my time. Even the boyfriends that I had back then, if I had it to do all over again, I WOULD NOT HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE, THEY WERE A WASTE OF TIME. We have plenty of time for our "me-time". I think that there is PLENTY of time to do it ALL, IF, and that is a very BIG if, we take the task of managing our time SERIOUSLY. We give away our time much too freely, and then the people that REALLY need us, ie YOUR grandmother, MY aunt, they don't get from us what they need because we have allowed too many EXTRA-CURRICULAR energy leaks. Your grandmother needs you. It is hard when we feel like we are being selfish with our time, but I LOVE what you said about everyone elses garden gets prettier and prettier. So true. We have to be brutally honest and DISCIPLINED when we decide which garden we are going to spend our time pretty-ing up.

It makes me feel so great to read a response like this. I suppose the reason why so many support groups work is because they let you know that you are not alone in what you are going through. You said almost word for word what I have been going through lately with a couple of my so-called friends. I would do so much for other people, while the things I need to do (MY LIFE!!!) go unattended. Then when I need something, there is no one around but me. I have given away MY energy. The energy that belongs TO me, to be used BY me, to get MY stuff done, I have given so much of it away to others!! And you are SO right about people changing from someone who USED to deserve a lot to someone who deserves NOTHING. I LOVE that you are saying these things because it makes me feel so VALIDATED!!!! I feel so happy that someone understands and confirms my beliefs about certain things. I just want to get into the habit of giving to MYSELF rather than giving to others so much. There is so much that I can get accomplished in my life if I just use MY time to tend to MY things. It is like having a garden...here your garden is, all dried out, overrun with weeds, full of garbage, packages of seeds growing dust on them, waiting to be planted, and where are YOU???...across town at a friends' house helping her with HER garden!!!! HER garden is nicely watered, it is weed-free, it is producing FRUIT, all because YOU have helped her garden flourish!! Something is wrong with this picture. Uuuuggghhhh, this is all so very DRAINING. I don't know why I haven't valued MY time the way that I should, perhaps it is the way that I grew up. My mom took in foster kids for years, I was always giving up MY time and MY space to help the less fortunate, and I carried the same behavior into my teen-aged and adult years, but I have to learn to give TO MYSELF, and keep anyone who does not deserve me at bay.

It IS really sad when someone does not value you the way that you know you should be valued, but the fact of the matter is that you cannot change someone ELSE, you can only change YOU. That has been hard for me over the years, because I want people to be like how I want them to be, but they have the right to be themselves, even if "themselves" is a jerk, or an unappreciative person or WHATEVER. I have to be humble about it though, I know that I am FAR from perfect, but I must say that I do try to be a good friend. My problem is that I seem to always hook up with people who have really low self-esteem, or they are friendless due to some character flaw...like they sleep around a lot or something like that. I have had a habit of picking outcasts for friends and then pumping their self-esteem up, and the next thing that I know, they are trying to act like THEY are doing ME a favor by hanging out with ME, when just a short time before they had NO friends. I don't know, it's weird but hey, it's life. I hope that you stop wasting your time on people who don't deserve you, it is imperative that we show the people in our lives through word AND deed that it is NOT ok to mistreat us.

Yes, your situation is different than mine in that you are talking about a GIRLFRIEND who you are obviously in love with, whereas I'm talking about someone who is just a friend of mine...well, a "supposed to be" friend of mine. It is difficult when you know that you love a person more than they love you, especially in a case of a boyfriend-girlfriend type of scenario. In your case, I think that I would have a hard time trusting this person, no matter how happy I felt they made me. I think that I would feel like I deserve better, however YOU may be so in love that you may not think that there IS anyone better out there for you. I feel comfortable with not seeing a person again who treats me poorly, especially when they act like they do not care whether or not they see ME again. It makes it easier not to care when you know that the other person does not DESERVE for you to care about them, because of their actions towards you.

I suppose that I COULD hang around these people all the while keeping my guard up, but to me, that is just too much work. I mean, the people that I'm talking about are supposed to be CLOSE friends, so if we hang out and just talk about superficial stuff, it will feel FAKE, you know what I mean? Like, I don't wanna be around a person if I know that they are a liar, because I'm always going to be wondering what, if anything, are they lying about. I mean, I get what you are saying...you know this person loves to eat goldfish, therefore don't let them anywhere NEAR your fishtank, I GET that. My problem with that "solution" is, it's so much work for me, guarding the tank every time they come around. I want to put energy into things that will benefit ME. I have spent so much time doing things for other people, or being AROUND other people that don't deserve me. Then I have to CUSTOM-make my friendship for them instead of just letting it flow like I feel a friendship should. Even though THEY aren't totally bad, and God knows that I have my faults, I TRY to be a good friend. My friends don't have to WORK at it with me, you know what I mean?? I don't know, I guess I just want some REALNESS in my life, without having to censor THIS part of me from HER, and edit this part of me from HIM, I just want real friendships that aren't so much work.

If I were you, I'd read the e-mail, although I would not reply. You are right, minimal contact is the best thing. I have PLENTY to do, I really don't need to be hanging out and talking on the phone for hours anyway.

I have to learn to be a better friend to mySELF so that I don't let these so-called friends into my life where they don't deserve to be. I hope that you TOO find people who really deserve your time and energy. In the meantime, we would be wise to enjoy our OWN time and energy.

Yes, I like this response very much, and of course you are right. The thing about ME is, that I tend to befriend people that SEEM to need me without really stopping to think, why is this person in such sad shape?? They may be friendless or having a bad time of it, whatever the case may be. Then, here I come, like a knightress in shining armour, trying to save the day. I seem to repeatedly have to remind myself that if a person seems not to have any friends, more than likely there is a REASON that no one wants to be around them!! Hello! If a person does not want to help themselves, or if they just want to USE you to further their own agenda, then...I don't know, I just know that you are right, I deserve good friends. Friends who will be givers and not just takers. And you are right when you say that I need to get them out of my life in order for me to be happy as an individual, because these emotional vampires have earned their name for a reason.

I feel like I NEED to cut them off completely, because they are so DRAINING. Emotional vampires, is that what they're called? You are so right about not giving them any importance in your life. I'm just so done with dealing with people who don't deserve for me to be in their lives, I mean, I have so many other things to do besides sit around smiling at stuff that isn't funny, listening to stuff that I don't want to hear. It is all just too much.