arguing about money

no, i don't think you are crazy. i think you are going through what women have been going through for years with husbands. the more times change, the more things stay the same. this is why a lot of women choose to work instead of stay home. no one wants a man telling them what to do. you are a grown woman and should be able to go where ever you want within reason. you are not a child. things like this scare me to think that if a woman decides to stay at home and be a housewife that she could be under this kind of control. yes, he is controlling. i wish it were as easy to say leave him, but i know that's easier said that done.

Hi verolop... I think I can relate with that issue. My husband is I think a bit like your husband also... I think it is maybe because they do not understand the budgeting we were doing. So what I did before is that I list everything that I spent on a paper and list everything we need at home from food, laundry down to cleaning materials and everything then also the bills. So when his salary would come I ask him for the exact amount to be paid for the bills. I myself told him not to give me any money coz I wanted him to be with me during grocery day. On the grocery I ask him to hold the list of all the items s we need to buy and whenever I get less he would say "will that be enough for us?" then he wanted me to get more. Then he will be the one to pay it on the cashier to his surprise he said "well next time you do the grocery yourself since I notice you use to pay lesser than I am paying today"...LOL I think it just need time for them to understand our situation. But then when he decided to quit his job he stayed in the house for two months then I was the one working, so he did everything I suppose to do in the house. He also understood that staying at home and taking care of a child and doing chores is not an easy job, that he complained that his back is aching after a day's chores in the house...then I laugh and gave him a massage and told him "but have you heard me complained anything to you when I was the one doing those chores?"...He said sorry and by then we never argue anymore about money and chores. We find time to talk things that we will understand each other. Sometimes it is just communication gap that you tend to not understand each other.

I feel for you. I would make him do the shopping, and pay everything. Then he can see just what the money goes for. I do think it is horrible the way he is going about it. My husband complains about the time I spend online too. I do a lot more than just mylot. He does not complain when we are spending the extra dollars that I am getting. I think you should find some couple time, that you can just sit and talk. Tell him it is time that he listens to you and how you are feeling. Men just don't seem to be able to express themselves the way we would like them to sometimes, and don't see things the way we do. My husband has told me many times, I didn't mean it the way you took it and explains what he was thinking. After hearing it the way I took it, he started thinking a bit before just blurting things out. Maybe he is concerned about what you are doing online, or who you are talking to. My husband did, and when he was off work for his surgery, checked on what I was doing, quite often, and was even interested in some of it. He does not even know anything about computers, so I spent a little time showing him. He is a bit more comfortable now and is not always on my case.

Hi Verolop, I'm sorry you are so upset. Yes, from what you describe, your husband does sound to be a bit (a lot) controlling. It's hard to say whether you are spending too much or not without knowing your finances but if the bills are all getting paid and you aren't struggling financially then I can't imagine what his problem would be with money spent on healthy food. It sounds as if the money is going toward something that is good for the whole family so I don't see what his complaint would be. As for your work on here, well...for one thing, you are cleaning the house, cooking, raising the children and when you do take a break,you are on here earning money. You are entitled to a break. You are not a slave. Why did he take your car from you? It sounds as if he is trying to control your every move. No you are not crazy but think twice before rocking the boat by up and moving out. Do you have somehere to go? How many kids do you have?

You should maybe give him the reciepts from you buying things and he can see what is necessary and what is not. Or maybe he can do the shopping.

Hi veralop29, He sounds manipulative..hmmmm i hope he won't go more than that. See, my husband also complains me about spending a bit too much but then i reason it out to him that i earn it my own so i have reasons why i can spend as long as i can provide the needs of my children, plus i do not ask from him tuition for my kids, or for their clothes or for the milk or for the food even, i only ask him when i am very very short of the budget. and well he did told me to stop mylotting at home lol pretty petty reasons because he think i am some affair online funny.. but he understand now as he saw my paypal account and was amazed at how much i made here thinking i only do this on break times.. since i do not have a car, there is no need for him to take something from me lol but we do go home together from work, i wait for him as that is to lessen expenses - fare can be pretty high here. but as for him demanding that i must do more household stuff, glad mine doesn't because he knows i am already tired from work and he knows i am not that good when it comes to house stuff, i could clean and cook but sucks at laundry. And as for you my friend, i guess it is a matter of you and him talking, tell him how you feel about it.. i mean it would not be always that you keep mum about it, that you just hide it in you plus mylot is not a crap.. i hope he comes to his senses! good thing you did that plate throwing thing, he is not in the old era where women just do the house stuff. I hope you and him can sort all of these stuff and please do not do everything just to please him, do it because you want to and it makes you happy...not just for him. hugs.

I think you and your husband (in a calm moment) need to have an honest discussion about the money. He should review the income and expenses with you so you can understand why he is concerned about how much you spend. It could be that you will see that he is not just trying to control you. Even if you have excellent justifications for what you spend, it is still a problem if the money is not there. Both of you will need to be patient and willing to put the other first, otherwise money is just another reason to fight. Sorry you are going through this time. Once he no longer needs to be so concerned about the money, maybe he will begin to appreciate the many things you do that make his life better every day.

My friend's ex-husband was the same way. He treated her like a child and told her that she would be given an allowance of 5.00 per week (he felt that she could buy food for a dollar day). My friend got upset and told her parents who came to her rescue and gave her more money each week. My friend is back in college and wanted money to buy something to eat because it was hard for her to go back and forth from school to home. On three different occassions he would forget to pick her up from school and once she ended up walking three miles home. The other two occassions her dad picked her up once and the other time a male friend (who has been part of her life since she was little). Her husband got mad that she had to call others to get a ride home. I hope you and your husband get counceling. I handle the family budget and I never put my husband on an allowance nor do I tell him how to spend our money (we do not have much, but we have a deal if an item costs over 100.00 then we discuss it before deciding on whether we need it or not. I hope things get better soon and that you can leave your husband who treats you like a child.

Well, then we begin to reason. I feel that your husband, is taking away too much freedom to you. You are his wife, you're a woman, you have your rights! now with this I do not really mean that your husband is a bad man. However from what you described in your thread, it seems that he wants to do a master, too. I know, I know, it's very difficult, but it should be that you could make your own reasons, defending those who are your personal freedoms. You say it's difficult, because I, despite being a man of 37 years, I am experiencing a similar situation to yours, against my brother. My dear, we must assert ourselves!

I believe his behavior borders on abuse. You are his wife you aren't his child! He is treating you like a child. I've also been treated like a child by a family member and it is terrible. I hope it never happens again because it is abuse. You need to stand your ground. I would leave him and never look back. I could do better all by myself than be with a man who is that abusive.

hi, Sorry to hear that and i think you are not crazy but at the same time he might have expected you to curtail the expenses to meet ends. I can understand how annoying it could be when the husbands don't understand our actual position. At times i too get into a good fight with my husband but then we sort out the matter together and don't carry on our fights for a long time. You need to have patience and not get too furious as that either did not solve the problem. craps have created more tensions for both of you and it somehow disturbs the home environment. And all the problems can be settled peacefully over a cup of coffee together i.e. by communicating clearly to each other. Well, if he has the attitude of 'i'm your husband, u should listen - why not tell him he is your husband and need to take care of all the responsibilities by himself and check whether stopping your allowance is helping him in any way other than creating misunderstanding between the two. Too much of dominance from his side is also not a good sign as he should give you a freehand to handle the home front. Discuss and solve.. best of luck.

It sounds to me you don't really care. Perhaps it's time for you to know how much money you really spend and if you, as a family, are able to spend that much on... I doubt it's only about buying healthy food. cooking your own meals is healthy too and even if you buy biologic food it's not said it's more healthy as the other food. Fruit, vegetables etc are exactly the same if you wash it first. So do some investigation about what is healthy or not and also find out what other ways there are to live healthy, how much money you can really afford and ask yourself: if you are all on your own are you still able to live/go on with this life style? Is there a bit true about what your husband says?

my sister is somewhat like that..she's doing everything for her husband..but never earn real money..but i pity her because she's too dependent to her husband..she can't divorce her husband anytime..(her husband has an attitude problem, and is my sister).. i have nothing against housewives..but it's really up to the couples to talk about it..about who'll work and earn money..who'll stay in the house for the kids.. some women feels their self worth when they are full time housewife..some rather work than being a housewife.. you and your husband should talk about that calmly..so that the issues will be resolved..

Seriously?? I thought we were living in the 21st century seems your man needs to wake up to this century. I always believe women and men are equal, and while I am my wifes carer and do everything for her I treat her with respect that she deserves and would never take her cards off her NEVER. Stand up for yourself either put up being unhappy or do yourself a huge favor and leave him and be happy.

You are not crazy. It sounds like you have a very controlling husband that can not let anything outside of his control take place. This sounds very much like what my wife went through with her first husband. He was fantastic before they married but once married he changed. They move away from her family. Eventually he would not let her talk with her friends. He controlled pretty much everything she did, much like what you are going through. It no doubt comes from the way he was raised. His father may have been the same way. The sad part of this is he may really care for you but does not trust you. People that must be in total control often do the very thing that will cause them to lose what they have. You have a right to be yourself. As long as you are responsible and only do what you must to keep the family going then he should be quite happy with that but if that is not the case then you are being punished for his fear. Yes, fear. People who must control actually fear a loss of control and will do anything it takes to maintain it. What my wife did finally was took there daughter while he was at work and moved back to her mothers, several states away. She actually feared him even though he did nothing physical because he was so demanding. Once he caught up with her he begin to make her life miserable again and eventually she move to her sisters, again several states away, and never told him where she went. It took several years for him to finally except it and they divorced. Only you know what you must do. If the only way to keep him happy with you is to let him control everything you do then you would be a fool to stay with him. It will not get better but only worse.

oh the old money situation. its enough to even allow the nicest of people to turn nasty with one another. it even had something to do with world war 2 starting(no offense intended to anyone or any one group!). i figure world war 3 will have something to do with it as well.

I think they call that "Stepford Wives" - LOL - These woman do no exist and should not exist! Man and women are equal.

You both need to sit down and calm yourself and TALK. Ask him why he's so controlling over you. Explain to him why you spend more money in the nutrition of the food that you eat. Tell him everything you feel in a calm way so that you'll understand each other. As what Crixus said in Spartacus "Seize tongue and open your ears" its like you should be quick to listen but slow to speak so that hurtful words will not come across between you and your husband. If the other person is explaining his side its better not to butt-in until the person is finished. This works for me and my husband. Its going to be difficult for your married life if there are secrets. My husband also warned me that he doesn't want to hear any BS words in our family. Meaning we can't swear or hurt each other. When that happens it means we don't respect each other anymore making it known that love is fading. That is why even if I get angry (hormonal imbalance) my mind always gets in a halt. I don't get carried away even if I'm so emotional due to my hormones. I love and respect my husband and I don't want a word or situation break our marriage. I hope you can TALK to your husband one of these days and maybe come up with compromising on things. Men sometimes really forget that being a housewife is a huge chore. I still don't have kids but I work@home and I'm a housewife as well. Working in the computer and making sure everything is okay inside the house is a lot of chores. Sometimes my husband fail to see that but I'm doing the best I can to give him a comfortable home and chip in for our bills.

That is so sad to hear from you. Maybe, you need to talk to your husband regarding your own feelings and explain to him yourself. Just need to hear his side more, maybe he is sort of problematic but can't share it with you. Guys are not comfortable sharing their real feelings because they are thinking this is a sign of being weak. Be more patient and everything will soon turn out fine.

I am sorry to hear your story. I understand your feeling now, however, better you should think carefully when you want to move away from him. Money is a big issue in marriage life and if both misunderstand about it, it will be a disaster. If you can, show him a list that you bought for monthly living then she should know how much do you guys spend for a family, not for only your. Keep a time for both of you calm down is the most important thing now. After that you guys can talk and find out the solution. Best wish for your!