Caring for Elderly Parents

As a rule children love their parents but the situation is such that they are helpless. It is a simple calculation that does not require deep thinking. Many a time it is the parents who encourage their children to go in search of opportunities which invariably ends up them leaving the country. State-of-the-art senior homes is the only solution.

Even though it should be a simple calculation that doesn't require deep thinking, our emotions become involved and cloud our ability to make that simple calculation. I have also know some elderly who lay guilt trips on their children. My mother, although not anywhere near being a candidate for a nursing home despite her age, falls into this category. She has said many times "How is it that one mother can take care of 6 kids, but 6 kids can't take care of one mother". It doesn't matter that those kids have lives and families, jobs and obligations of their own, not to mention live 4 or 5 hours away. All she sees is her point of view. Most of us help her out in any way we can but the minute we say we can't do something, for whatever reason, we get the guilt trip response. I agree that state-of-the-art seniors homes are a good idea, however not everyone can afford them, especially elderly people who are on a fixed income. In Canada we have some very fancy Retirement Homes that have every convenience anyone would ever want, meals prepared, staff on duty 24/7, planned outings and trips for those who wish to take advantage of them, but they cost anywhere from $4,000 to $6,000 PER MONTH, depending on what they have to offer. Then if you want extra services, like having your room cleaned, bed made, assistance getting dressed or with showers, having your laundry done etc there is an extra fee associated with those extra services. These extra fees are usually $30 or $40 per month each. Way beyond my or my mothers means I'm afraid. Nursing homes are somewhat less expensive, I believe around $2,000 per month for a semi-private room, but they are by no means considered state-of-the-art or luxury accommodations.

I agree that it is a topic that needs to be addressed from all angles. Too often people are quick to judge the younger generation for not taking care of their parents but it really does depend on their situation, proximity, family dynamics etc. And all too often I see older people who resist nursing homes with every bit of strength they can muster. I fully understand both sides of the coin in this matter, and I think that is why so many people have such a hard time deciding what to do. In the end you have to go with what is best for you, yourself. People start out with very good intentions of caring for their ageing parents but once they get into it they find it is more than they bargained for. Ultimately, the parent ends up in a nursing home anyway because the grown children get burnt out and it becomes the only option left. Unfortunately, when that happens the children usually experience a tremendous sense of guilt. Kind of one of those decisions where you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

THis disease is really terrible. I have known people from some close quarters being afflicted with this and it was agony.

You're right and it is very difficult for family members to accept and deal with it.

Oh I fully understand that choices are limited. I've worked in nursing homes since 1996 and my current position is on the Alzheimers Ward. I hear all too often from the families that visit how difficult it is to deal with this particular disease. I can only imagine what it would be like to have a spouse or loved on afflicted with it. I have a good understanding of Alzheimers and their behaviours as that is sort of my "specialty" but I am dealing with it in a controlled environment with co-workers to help. I have never dealt with it in the home environment. Very often I see people who are in denial about being able to care for a person with Alzheimers Disease, so your mother-in-law's behaviour is quite common. Unfortunately it often takes a few drastic incidents before they realize that they are not human beings with super human strength. Sometimes ya just gotta ask for help.

To be sure a nursing home is not an ideal living situation. You are lucky that you get along and are a close family and that this situation works for all involved.

Unfortunately I see a lot of cases where the elderly do not live long once they have been placed in a nursing home. Not sure what it is, whether they are homesick, unhappy, feel it is just their time, give up or just become very, very tired.

Right. It is a decision that needs to be made at the time. But for the most part we do and should take care of our parents. They gave us life so we should be there for the end of theirs.

True, the decision does depend a great deal on how well they are ageing and what diseases, if any, they have. Some diseases are easier to deal with in a home environment than others.

Yes, ones decision is greatly influenced by the culture of their country. It is also a very good idea of establishing your intentions regarding this with your spouse. That way there are no future surprises or disagreements in store when the time comes.

There are a lot of seniors that do not want to become a burden to their grown children. While I admire people who can and do care for their ageing loved ones I would never judge someone who opts for alternatives. It can be a very stressful time for everyone involved and effects everyone in different ways, as with your daughter. Sometimes it requires grown children to put their lives on hold but, unfortunately not all people are able to do that even if they so desire. There are always bills to pay, full time jobs to keep, families, children of our own, spouses...just life in general. Certain situations make it easier for some to care for their parents than others. By this I mean if someone is not in a relationship themselves, divorced, single whatever, does not have children living at home who they have responsibilities to, is retired or not currently working, then yes, they are in a better position to be a live-in caregiver for their parent(s). Not all people can see both sides of the coin.

Yes, you're right, choose whatever has the least amount of negative consequences. I think that the bigger the family you have, the more difficult the choice is. I have 3 sisters and two brothers and all of us are so totally different in our opinions and ideas and what's right and what's wrong in any given situation it's incredible. No one agrees on anything and no matter what decision is made there is gonna be SOMEONE who is not happy. Unfortunately, it will be a tough decision when the time comes but hopefully, that won't be for a while yet.

I agree that taking care of your parents is the best thing you can do for them, however, not everybody is in a position to do so. What if you have a spouse, a family to care for, work full time and live in a city thousands of miles away. If you couldn't afford to quit your job, do you still think you would care for your parents rather than put them in a nursing home?

Hi sherrybelle. It's true that a lot of elderly parents do not want to become a burden to anyone and actually prefer a nursing home environment for just that reason. True too, that some grown children are not capable of caring for an elderly person, whether it be for financial, physical or emotional reasons. A lot of people buckle under the stress it generates, depending of course on the ailments that the ageing parent acquires. I work in a nursing home and I hear from a lot of family members how they just couldn't deal with the stress of it any more. Some of them feel a lot of guilt at "putting Mom or Dad in a home". In fact, a lot of elderly people would choose euthanasia over the pain and suffering that they go through. I'm not saying that I am for it, however, once you see the pain involved you can actually call it a blessing when a loved one passes away.

That is an excellent response and very logical. What kind of relationship you have is a key factor. There are parents who expect a lot from their grown children and often try to guilt them into caring for them--the "I took care of you now it's your turn to take care of me" type of attitude. So many elderly people can be very stubborn about what they want and what they believe to be right without considering the effect it has on their loved ones. I know people that have tried to care for their ageing parents and have been put through hell. They try taking care of the needs of the elderly person, work full time, cook, clean, run their kids to sports, functions etc, satisfy the needs and desires of their spouse and STILL try to find time for themselves in an effort to maintain their sanity.

You are fortunate that you are able to help care for your mother. I don't think it's a question of how much you love your parents as I think everybody loves their parents a great deal and wants the best for them. It all depends on what diseases, if any, the elderly parent has, how much medical attention they require and the grown childs responsibilities to their own family, work, spouse, relationships etc.

Oh I am not currently facing this decision. My mother is 84 years old, lives in her own apartment (by choice), goes out to church every week, plays bridge at several different bridge clubs and with the ladies in her apartment building, goes shopping, absolutely LOVES going to the casino etc. About the only thing she doesn't do is drive as she had to give up her licence when she had a stroke. I will, however, probably be facing this decision in the years to come albeit not in the near future. I also work in a nursing home so have first-hand knowledge of what it is like there. I admire people who are able to care for their ageing parents and who are in the position to do so. I also realize that it can be quite stressful depending on your own situation. And, as you say, we have to live with our decision as there is no chance to do it over again.