I want to forgive but my memories won't let me
By Rasniki09
@Rasniki09 (183)
May 17, 2012 3:53pm CST
If you forgive someone for hurting you, shouldn't you be able to be comfortable around that person? I think I have forgiven my stepmother for some terrible wrong and now that I am older, I kind of understand that she may have done the best she could given her young age. I am having a hard time been in the same room with her though. I can talk on the phone and email and text but as soon as I am in her presence and look at her face, all I see is the bad. How do I move on?
13 responses
@Rasniki09 (183)
•
18 May 12
I understand what your saying. We are not in the same city and most of the time, I honestly do not think about her. My dad is always asking me to come by and visit and I haven't for a longtime, simply because I really don't want to look at her face. I love my father and even though it has taken a long, long time, we seem to be in a good place.
I wonder if he feels bad that I don't come around as much like my other siblings.
@roberten (3128)
• United States
17 May 12
Forgiving is not forgetting. It is easier to forgive than to forget. Only time can ease pain associated with memory. Avoid face-to-face contact; ease back into seeing her in person a little at a time. As the pain fades, increase personal visits. In time, you will be able to be in her presence without suffering the pain of the past. Easy does it.
@victorkrish (1614)
• Malaysia
18 May 12
yeah, you're right. Its better to forgive than to forget!!
Life become more easier.
@SydneyHazelton (4586)
• Singapore
17 May 12
There is this saying I started to live by: The fool does not forgive and forget. The naive forgive and forget. The wise forgive but not forget.
It's easy to forgive. It's hard to forget the hurt someone causes you. But when you have to live with that same person, what's going to happen? It's hard.
For you, do you liver with your stepmom? If you don't, there is some safe distance. That once in a while visit should not bother you.
@Suzieqmom (2755)
• United States
18 May 12
Sydney's sayings are very true--and I think they explain an important lesson. It is always in your own best interest (and usually everyone else's) to be able to forgive, because otherwise you can be consumed by anger and bad feelings. But it is not wise to forget the hurt or pain your stepmother caused you, because then you open yourself up to having it happen again.
Probably your mind is subconsciously recognizing this whenever you see your stepmom, and so your feelings of anger may be a defense mechanism or other protective reaction. I wouldn't ignore them, but rather learn from them. Maybe there is a residual reason why you cannot feel comfortable around your stepmother and you should not just ignore these feelings. I would think carefully about why you think you may still be having this reaction when you are with her, especially since you seem to be able to deal with her amicably over the phone and such. Once you figure out--and least in part--why you are still having this reaction, maybe then you can work through whether these feelings are still valid.
But, I always say, err on the side of caution, and follow your instincts--if she is still making you that uncomfortable in her presence perhaps you should keep your distance for now. Good luck!
@wongchoiyee (7413)
• Malaysia
17 May 12
I never want to have a stepmother, follow your heart and do your best, just a hug will do.
@Rasniki09 (183)
•
17 May 12
Thank you. My brothers and sister keep telling to move on because they somehow got over it and I want to but maybe my heart is not as soft as theirs. God help me
@polaris77 (2039)
• Bacau, Romania
18 May 12
You can forgive someone,but you cannot forget what they did;that's why I think we feel so uncomfortable in the company of such people,and I don't think there is a cure for those unpleasant and embarrassing states we feel when we're close to such people.I think the only solution is to accept the fact that we can't erase all the negative feelings we have when we're close to them and simply try to live with them.One thing is certain:we can't turn someone we used to have a grudge against into our best friend,so let's just live with that thought and try to be tolerant in such situations.
@hestylim (1210)
• Indonesia
18 May 12
Hi,
Don't force yourself to do what you can't do. It is hard to be nice to someone that we know have hurt us in the past. We must have forgive him/her.. but we just don't forget that she had hurt us so bad.
When she's around just go to other room or make yourself busy. If she looks into your eyes just look at her slightly, smile and go.
It may takes time to totally accept her..
@asdomencil (4265)
• Philippines
18 May 12
It is really hard to forget someone that made bad things on you. There will be a difficulty in making the first step on moving on.
In my opinion, I can say that you are not totally forgiven her because you cannot move on from the bad things she did to you. Better talk to her that even you told her that you already forgiven her, you can still remember the bad things she did to you. From then you two can have an open discussion to fix your relationship.
You can start a new beginning not to fix the past but to create a better future.
Go on and talk to her. You can do it!
@jricky1 (6800)
• China
18 May 12
Well i think time would heal this.For we won't let it go since a short period of time,so do not try to forget in on purpose.We would finally find somone else to instead of the person who hurt us,finally we would find not that hard,but indeed need to sad for some time.
@safety69 (592)
• Taiwan
18 May 12
When you want to forgive somebody you have to be ready for it. If you are still having that bad feeling is because you didnt forgive at all. Just prepare your heart for forgiving, Ask God the strengh to do it, if you do it by heart it will work and it will be so easy to face that person again. Just think that she might have her own reasons to do whatever she did. Try to do your best forgiving because if you accumulate all that hate in your heart is not good for you , Try to be happy yourself by loving others, you dont have to be around her all the time. Good luck and be happy, life is only one.
@victorkrish (1614)
• Malaysia
18 May 12
We are learn from every mistakes. So life is cannot run from making mistake and forgiveness. We can have a better life if try to forgive someone's mistake.
Tolerate is must in our life.
Think right for you. You make the different.
@Bhebelen14 (5194)
• Philippines
17 May 12
For me, maybe you already forgiven her, but your not ready to accept her and to forget all the bad memories that happened between the two of you in the past. Sometimes bad memories are hard to forget especially if hurts you so deeply, it is like a wound that heals but leave us a scars. Talking on the phone, email and texting are good start for both of you, give yourself time forget all the bad memories and try to start a good memories with her. Good luck.
@haylib (36)
• United States
18 May 12
Forgive, but never forget. You might see your step mom as the person she used to be, but just drop those feelings for when you're around her and see if you can be comfortable. You can't judge anyone for what they did in the past- you can forgive, but as i said earlier, never forget. Forgetting means you've totally opened up your trust again and everything is A-OK, but you're just setting yourself up for more hurt. Forgiving means giving this person another chance and seeing what they end up doing. Just wait it out. Don't let the past rule your present or your future.
