Life is short...

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About few weeks from now, my family will commemorate my grand mother's death anniversary. She was like a best friend to me. I could share almost any story to her, she usually gives advice. Sometimes the words were harsh, but it didn't feel heavy receiving those blows because I know all her remarks were harmless advises and she wants me to be better, to know better. Looking back at all those memories feels bitter sweet. It makes me smile and also brings tears. It makes me smile because I feel really luck to have her as my grand mother. It makes me cry because I could never turn back time and go back to the very days of those memories. I always confide to her. She would always console me. I always share my joys to her, she celebrates it a very wonderful smile that always bring joy to my heart. When I recall all the memories, I can't avoid going back to that day when we lost her. I was unable to visit her for 3 days because I was sick. I was at home when we got a call. Everyone was crying on the other end of the line. I felt numb that time. I had no reaction. I went to the morgue to at least be able to visit her. I cried but it wasn't as hard as everyone else in the family. I accompanied her remains on the way to the funeral parlor. I was like emotionless that day. I don't know if I was crazy but I didn't know what I was feeling that day. Then the funeral. That day, the loss started to sink in my mind. I already feel the loss. I felt so much pain, I would cry at any time, wherever I am every time I remember my grand mother. Others say coping up will take about 6 months and I will start to feel okay. It was different for me. Coping up took more than 6 months. it took me even one year before I was able to accept the fact that she's gone. Then I would remember all the memories I had with her. It's painful to just look back and not able to make more memories with the person you love anymore because the person is gone. Yes she may be in a better place and she may be very tired because she died at the age of 96, but still it is painful. It was already 4 years ago but looking back at the memories still bring pain. The only way I could mend the pain I am feeling is the thought of being able to say "I love you" to her everyday, more than once in a day, during the last days of her life. She was in the hospital, my cousin, niece and I would stay by her as her watchers. When I get the chance to be near her, I always tell her I love her and sorry for all the wrong doings I did. Those thoughts make me feel blessed because I am blessed having a grand mother like her and I was able to say everything that needs to be said to her before she passed away. After that loss, I always see to it that I will be able to say the things that I need to say to the people I love, to the people I care about. As the saying goes, "Life is too short to live in the bad light" and "Life is a journey, travel light, do not carry a lot of burden." These sayings are words that I try to keep in my mind so I will be able to just focus on the person's goodness and just appreciate and love. I don't want to lose someone without even making them feel I care for them, I love them, and I am sorry for the troubles and bad stuff I have caused and/or made them feel. =)