HELP! Boyfriend Problems.
By GemmaR
@GemmaR (8517)
May 31, 2012 1:57pm CST
So, I am having trouble with my boyfriend at the moment, and I thought that I would turn to you and see if there is anything that you could suggest which might help me to come through our issues. Basically, we're not getting the chance to see each other very much right now, and he is becoming resentful of that.
The reason that we're not seeing each other is because I have a full time job. Before, I was a student, and that meant that I was able to meet up with him whenever we wanted, but now I work very long hours, and sometimes only finish work late at night. This is because I am trying to save up for a house, so I am taking as many hours as I can so that the house I want can finally be mine.
He is resenting the fact that I am working so much, and not spending time with him. He is unemployed, and does nothing all day but sit around his flat and play on video games. He is 28, and shouldn't be living like that.
He wants us to move in together, but I am not prepared to even think about that at the moment because he doesn't do anything around the house and lets his flat get into a state. He doesn't earn anything, and therefore I would have to pay for everything which I'm just not willing to do. But he won't look for a job! He expects me to be able to meet him all the time, and hates the fact that I am now working, but I want to be someone who contributes towards society; not somebody who just takes money from the benefit system and then does nothing in return.
How can I make him see that getting a job is the only thing that he should be doing, and that I'm not being horrible by working hard, but that I'm actually being responsible and it's something that I have to do?
7 people like this
32 responses
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
31 May 12
Why are you even giving this person the time of day?! He is so far beneath you in morals, in ambition, in personal integrity. He'll certainly drag you down with him if you continue this relationship. Get rid of him and find something who actually deserves you.
2 people like this
@zhaosigui (18)
• China
1 Jun 12
I think you should choose or give up,in my personal options,you should give up
@GemmaR (8517)
•
7 Jun 12
I do certainly agree with you in some sense, but the fact is that he is a nice guy in general, and I know that he would do anything for me- apart from get a job it would seem. Also, it is very hard when you've been with someone for such a long time to then realise that things aren't working and say that it is time to finish things. He is dragging me down though, and I have to admit that he is bringing me down quite a lot. I am going to have to do something about it rather soon otherwise I am going to drive myself insane.
@shansavy (171)
• Jamaica
31 May 12
thats a tough situation, but i dont think you can ever make some see the importance of a job or being responsible those are things he has to realize him self. i think that it is good that you are working and its also good that you are working towards a house you should keep it up and dont let him discourage you from doing so
2 people like this
@GemmaR (8517)
•
7 Jun 12
It is a horrible situation, and I just wish that I could make him change the way that he thinks about himself, because I really want us to have a long and happy life together but the fact is that it isn't going to be able to happen the way things are at the moment. I really want my house, and I know that I am going to be able to afford that soon, but the only problem is that I need to be able to know that if he should ever move in with me he is going to be able to afford his portion of the rent and everything like that, but I know that it is not going to be possible with the way that things are at the moment, and it's that that is causing a lot of problems with us at the moment.
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
1 Jun 12
I would say, leave him. He's not worth it, not worth your love for him. Firstly of all, being a man, he ought to take responsibility by getting a job. If he's not even employed, what form of security do you have from him? If u are really moving in with him, it makes as if u are supporting him, supporting the 'family' 
Secondly, he might have taken u for granted since your school days, that u are able to meet him anytime, anyday. While now u have moved on, working now but he's still in the same unemployed state. To him, life is normal because he's not working at all 
Just leave him, and that's his responsibility now.
Secondly, he might have taken u for granted since your school days, that u are able to meet him anytime, anyday. While now u have moved on, working now but he's still in the same unemployed state. To him, life is normal because he's not working at all Just leave him, and that's his responsibility now.@GemmaR (8517)
•
9 Jun 12
I agree that he should be taking a bigger role in the finances of the family, and I don't get any security from him at all. If anything, I am the one who provides the security for him. I didn't mind as much while I was still a student because I wasn't really interested in having a family or anything like that, but now that it is something that I really want to do, I have to say that I am wanting somebody who is able to provide for me. I can't be the one who is earning all of the money for the whole of my life, because I just know that I'm not going to be able to live like that forever.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
31 May 12
I know when I've been unemployed in the past with all the time in the world, I just couldn't be busy enough. I mean to say, I would try to be online to earn but it never helped. I also tried to do stuff to pass the time, but nothing. I started getting lazier and lazier, and meaner and meaner. I also expected to see friends more then I should have.
YES he does need to get a job, because I feel like what happened to me is happening to him. Of course I am not sure of how you can convey this to him and make him see it.
So he uses the benefit system to get by? If nothing else he needs to do something as a hobby, maybe something he can sell. Getting him to start off small, maybe a part time job.
It's summer here, plenty of lawns to mow.
2 people like this
@GemmaR (8517)
•
7 Jun 12
Yeah I think one of the things that has been getting him down is the fact that he is not always busy, and he spends a lot of time sitting around in his flat just watching television and not getting anything else done. I have suggested that he should do something like volunteer in a local charity shop, as at least he would be getting some kind of experience there, but he doesn't seem to want to do that at all. He did used to volunteer with the local homeless shelter, but decided that he needed to give up that in order to look for a job, he just never managed to find that job.
@uirufurede (20)
• Philippines
31 May 12
That is pretty unfair for some reason. And also he should not be angry or upset about you having a full time job. He should be happy and proud.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
9 Jun 12
I think one of the reasons that he is so angry is because he is jealous that I have the determination and the drive to be able to earn the money that I need in order to make my way in life. He doesn't seem to have that kind of drive at all, and I don't understand what I can do to change that. He has always been like this, but keeps making excuses about why he can't get a job now. Everything just seems to get worse rather than better, and I just hope that he realises at some point that he's going to have to get a job before it's really too late.
@gracielou85 (140)
•
31 May 12
I think you have to discuss with him your long term plan..like asking him, "How do you see yourself in 5yrs?"
If you think your decision doesn't connive with his, you have to think twice about your relationship. People change and so does your way of thinking based on your experiences.
And I salute you for being such a hardworker! Contributing to the society is the only way to live!
1 person likes this
@zhaosigui (18)
• China
1 Jun 12
I think,the man like her very much.from your talking about .
you should have a lot of friends
@GemmaR (8517)
•
7 Jun 12
We have had conversations like this a lot, and he always says that he does want the same things as me, for example he says the he would like to get a job, get married, buy a house, and have a family. However, he then does nothing about it. I didn't really mind all that much while I was a student, because I was living the student life myself, it's just that he still seems to be living in that way even though he's almost 30, and to me, that doesn't seem like the kind of guy that is going to change his mind about things. I could never live on benefits, I always want to be the kind of person who has a job and earns rather than sponging things from other people.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
3 Jun 12
Sit him down and just tell him what you want from him and Why you are working so hard. Tell him if he Wants to move in , he will need to be able to pay half of the rent/mortgage!Then if this doesn't make him Want to look for work , then sadly he isn't the One for you. the ideal partner for you will see things you way. He will Want to work just as hard as you do. So if your current guy doesn't want to get work and help out in getting that house it should end.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
31 May 12
The easiest thing to tell you would be to leave the bum where he sits, but that advice is very seldom taken, so here is what you do; since he wants to move in together so badly, let him know that you don't plan to take care of the both of you, so the only way that you will move in with him is if he gets a job. If you see him actually get off his duff and make an earnest effort to find work, then you know he is serious about you and that it would be a good move to move in and stay with him. If he gives you a whole bunch of excuses on why he can't/won't get a job, then you will see him for the bum that he is, and that he won't change. After that the choice is yours.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
7 Jun 12
I certainly don't ever want to be the kind of person who does all of the work and is sponged off. I think a lot more of myself than to do that, and I have said right from the beginning that I'm not going to be that person. If he wants to ever move in with me, he has to be able to pay his way and pay for half of everything. I'm not going to hold back on the things that I want from my life just because he can't afford them; for example I want a car and he said that he wants to be insured on it, well the simple answer to that is that if he will pay for it then he can be insured, but otherwise there is no way that I'm going to allow for that to happen.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
2 Jun 12
Remember the only life you can change is your own, sure you can make him do some things, but he will only resent you for this. Choose what is important to you and go for it. If you are happy with your life and goals, the right person will come along. It may not be this boy friend but there are others who will be attracted to you and your life as you wish to live it. Blessings
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
3 Jun 12
Oh GemmaR...you are not wrong at all in this situation. It's not like our livings are handed to us. You are doing what you have to do to be established and there are some people that just do not have the same mindset. I think that it gets harder and harder to find quality partners. My grandfather used to tell me that is the great scheme of things that marriage or partnership was simply two people working for common goals. If the goals aren't common..then what?
In my personal opinion, I think you should continue to establish yourself and become comfortable..then make choices as to what you want in your life. If being the breadwinner is ok with you..then fine...if not..find someone that is willing to contribute. The thing is that there are the things that you can control...like what you do..but there are things that you can't..what he does.
Good luck and take care.
@asdomencil (4265)
• Philippines
31 May 12
I guess your boyfriend is somewhat irresponsible. I just wonder how could you tolerate him, perhaps because you really love him. But I think how does he supports you and your future family incase you have it already. He will never earn by just sitting there and playng video games the whole day.
Try to talk to him and ask what is his future plans in your relationship. From then, you can have your decision. To stay or leave him.
Good luck and Good day!
@GemmaR (8517)
•
9 Jun 12
I do love him, but I am beginning to wonder how I can tolerate the way that he is when he doesn't seem to want to change no matter what I do. One of the things that I struggle the most with is whether he will be able to step up to the job of being a parent if we should choose to take that step any time soon. At the moment, I honestly don't think that he is up to it, but he is always saying that he will change. The thing that I wonder about is how long I am actually willing to wait for that change, because I have been with him for three years so far and nothing has changed since we first got together, other than I'm now earning instead of just being a student.
@freymind (1351)
• Philippines
9 Jun 12
Explain to him straight what you want to accomplish in life. If he doesn't understand that you want to be stable in life and be responsible then he isn't the right guy for you. I'm sorry but a 28 year old who sits around his flat without doing anything but play his video games? That is so WRONG!
If I have a boyfriend like that I'd rather enjoy my life alone and succeed in my goals. I get it that boys tend to mature slower than girls but with his age he should be working and getting his butt away from the couch and earn for himself.
You deserve better and someone who can take care of you in EVERY aspect of your life. You're still young and you still have the world in your hand. I pray for your success and hopefully you'll get the house that you really wanted.
If I have a boyfriend like that I'd rather enjoy my life alone and succeed in my goals. I get it that boys tend to mature slower than girls but with his age he should be working and getting his butt away from the couch and earn for himself.
You deserve better and someone who can take care of you in EVERY aspect of your life. You're still young and you still have the world in your hand. I pray for your success and hopefully you'll get the house that you really wanted.
@else22 (4317)
• India
6 Jun 12
Please,don't take me else,but I would say this young man is intolerably irresponsible.He is your boyfriend now and if you marry him,would become your hubby.In that situation would he like to live at home like a housewife.I have never heard of a house husband.These days both husband and wife work to run their family,but generally husbands earn and wives keep at home to do all household chores.If you marry this boy,then you would be playing the role of husband and he would be acting as a wife.Would he like it?Ask him,please.Talk to him and force him to get a job.Now he is 28.Two years on it would be more difficult for him to find a job.He is angry with you,but go on doing your job.I appreciate you for loving him truly.Any other girl would have abandoned him.
• Jordan
1 Jun 12
I don't believe you're heading for a healthy relationship here. It seems that your boyfriend has a selfish streak, it is always all about him. I think that you should direct your energy towards establishing a successful career, and find someone who will be proud of your persistence, rather than drag you down.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
1 Jun 12
I would respect him if he's trying his best to find a job but isn't lucky as of the moment. But the mere fact that he just sits there playing video games all day without the intention of finding a job or cleaning after himself just disgusts me.
Indeed love make us lenient and tolerant about people's shortcomings but up to what point?
Remember that people don't change overnight, and the people will only change if they want to. But based on your story here, I doubt that he thinks that he's got a problem. Who pays for his rent? Where does he get food? Don't tell me that his parents are the ones supporting him?
Good for you to work so hard because you have ambition. I am not saying that you should leave him because he isn't as ambitious as you are, but I am just telling you right now that if he doesn't do anything about his present situation, you will be leaving him down the road.
I really hate men like these and I sure hope that you see our point in here. But the mere fact that you have stated it here, I think you know what you need to do.
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@alottodo (3056)
• Australia
1 Jun 12
I know at the end of the day you are going to do what you like...but can I suggest not to give in to him! if he is worth of you he will do the right thing and if is not then let him be and carry on with your life! forget about him he is only going to drag you down to his own level...just my opinion any way.
@Mypalzadin (51)
•
1 Jun 12
Give him an ultimatium.
Get a job and stop being so moody that you have a job, or go.
Im guessing you do like him quite alot otherwise you wouldnt stick around with someone who differs from you on many lifestyle areas.(Mainly ambition).
Just follow your heart and your head.
@Doshima2012 (30)
• India
1 Jun 12
Dear GemmaR .
HELP!Boyfriend problems.
A very tricky problem which requires meticulous
planning and careful study and tutoring of the boyfriend. Such similar cases of boyfriends,or people with the same mental makeup would only cause embarrassment. You cited a case wherein your boyfriend is irresponsible and just 28,does not believe in hard work.you are two different poles apart. Your boyfriend does not believe in hard work but you are diligent, desire to be independent.Best thing is take him to an orphanage, or a social service organisations and practically let him see with his own eyes, the trauma,the suffering, the financial stringency with which the society works.This is the best method of tutoring or teaching him the necessity of earning when he is young. OR enact a scenario where in you too don't want to work and let him meet up the daily expenses. This is the only way.
@obey39 (125)
• China
1 Jun 12
Hello, my friend.This is a realistic problem.As a man, he should bear the responsibility of taking care of a family, and it is his mission with no delay.But you are so kind, leaving him so much space to find excuses for staying at home.And it will cause his laziness in the long run.So I suggest you persuade him to work( outside on the table, if you and He really fall in love with each other in a serious way.Otherwise, you will be surely to be regretful.For why he hates your missing appoiments with you is that he is so free, failing to appreciate your hardship, sincerity,etc.
So it is time that you determine to help and change his attidute of living.
Good luck
@querido (18)
•
1 Jun 12
If i were you, i ask him if he really love the relationship he should stop wasting time and go find a job. As a women of course we want a boyfriend who we can depends on,have a bright future together.. his 28 and have no job? what would happen in your future if he still like that.
Try to ask him what is he want in his life, if you guys get married where should he get money to support you? and also try to make him realize if he stay that way at the end of the day it will only give harm to him and maybe to your relationship.
