Not having a good relationship with in-laws
By Paper_Doll
@Paper_Doll (2373)
Philippines
June 5, 2012 11:20pm CST
I am currently living in my inlaws' house. Months after I moved in that house, my husband's family and I had a misunderstanding. I haven't said anything to them and remained silent but they just kept on saying hurtful things. It all started when my father in law compared my parents to them. I don't know what he is up to but when I arrived from work, all of a sudden he started comparing. I was so tired that evening and I really don't understand what the comparison is all about. I mean why do they need to compare my parents to them? I was offended but never said a thing. I started to distant myself to them and avoid conversation as much as possible. Until now, the words I hear from them still linger in head. It's just to painful. I really don't know how to feel because I am no longer comfortable to be with them. I tried my best to be civil and just ignore what happened but it is hard. I can't even smile everytime I saw them.
4 people like this
6 responses
@indahfth (11161)
• Indonesia
6 Jun 12
Live together with the in-laws is difficult. Sometimes, a small error, to be an evil to us. It would be better if we lived apart from the law. Whatever we do, no one will criticize. Sometimes, the truth according to us, is not necessarily true, according to law.
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
6 Jun 12
You are right, living with inlaws is pretty hard. I noticed that my mother in law seems to run our family when it should be run by me and my husband. And she interfere in decision making. My husband and I already talked about something and decided not to go with it, but then my mother in law would come and would talk to me and will try to insist what she likes.
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
7 Jun 12
I guess this will really depend on my husband. We have talked about it so many times. I told him that once we made a decision, this should be carry out. But I noticed that before he talks to me, he already talked to his mother. What is happening is my husband is just informing me about it. But when I disagree, that is when my mother in law would talk to me. It is hard since I really do not want to offend them.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
7 Jun 12
Indeed it is difficult to be living with the in-laws. The mere face that you're the one who needs to adjust is something that most people cannot do. I could remember when one of my best friends got married, prior to the marriage itself, she already had a tough time adjusting with the in-laws. Worst after the marriage they had a lot of problems all in-law related. It wasn't until they left the house and built their own that the problems started diminishing.
I think the best thing for you to do is to start looking for a place of your own. Did you talk to your husband about the incident? Who else was present during the 'comparing'? I don't really think that you could really talk to any of them about your feelings, after all, they're family (by blood), they will defend their family no matter if they're wrong. So, I guess talking wouldn't really fix anything - if not make the matter worst.
My mom always told me to not get too close with the in-laws. Don't hang out too much, don't make close relationships. Just don't do anything that will make them think that they could easily approach you. In that way, you can keep off the issues in their lives and focus more on your life. I think my mom is wise to distance herself with her in-laws.
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
7 Jun 12
It's wise not to talk about these things to your parents as well, it would only strain the relationship and make things more complicated as you said it would.
However, I don't agree with the thought that you'd be selfish enough to get him away from their since they need him. Why? Doesn't your family need you? You were able to let go of your family because you are married, why can't your partner do the same if it is the way for them to not hurt you anymore?
So, is he saying that it's okay that they do that to you??
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
7 Jun 12
Yes, I have already talked to him about it. I told him I really want to move out of the house but I could see that he is against it. It turns out that they said that I am being too selfish for taking my husband when they also need him. I really find it weird because husband and wife should really be living on their own. I just agreed that we will live there because my husband requested for it. I didn't inform my parents about the situation. I really do not want to be involved since I am pretty sure that they will get mad for what had happened. And honestly, I don't think they should know because if they, things will be more complicated.
1 person likes this
@Lauraleigh99 (4718)
• United States
6 Jun 12
In laws don't mix with a married couple living together!! I struggle with my Mother in law saying hurtful things too at times... I just let her know that it hurts my feelings and I am not listening to the conversation any further and walk away. But then again I don't live with them so it is easy to do for me
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
7 Jun 12
Yes, that is how it should be. My husband and I should be decide for ourselves. They can give opinions but definitely, they cannot insist it. But my husband always follow her mother's advice. Even if I say no, he would tell his mother then his mother will talk to me. Sometimes, I really find them inconsiderate. Since I work Mondays - Fridays, I do the laundry every Saturdays. I do the almost the whole day. That morning, my husband said that maybe we could go malling. I told him that we already have limited budget and I am doing the laundry. But when the afternoon came, Im done with the laundry and was taking some rest when my mother in law came and told me to come with them malling. I was tired but since my husband allowed her go straight to our room, I just say yes. So all the while, they have already talked about it. I told my husband why do he need to ask me when they have already decided about it. I felt embarassed.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
6 Jun 12
I used to be married and when I was I lived with my in laws. I know sometimes it's hard to do that. You appreciate them and all they do for you and your husband, but you're just not sure what to do about this situation.
If I were you I'd sit down with your mother in law and let her know how it hurt you, now I know it was your father in law who was doing the talking, but a woman is more compassionate. If you explain to her that you greatly appreciate all they do for you and can't thank them enough for it, but that you feel saddened when they talk about your own parents, maybe they'll realize their errors.
Let them know there is no need to compare, that you appreciate them and love them and are glad to have them in your life.
I hope this approach helps, I know your hurt and saddened and if not a little mad, but sometimes going the "nicer" route is best. If it turns back on you, do all that's in your power to save and move out with your husband.
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
6 Jun 12
Thanks SomeCowgirl.. Actually, my inlaws already talked to me and apologized for what they have said and done in the past. Yes, it is my father in law who started but all of them followed. They labeled me as "other people", told other people negative and unfair things about me, they made me pay for all the expenses and yet accused me of being selfish. I really wanted to move out and told my husband that I will just rent an apartment near my work but my husband wouldn't allow me.
@hestylim (1210)
• Indonesia
6 Jun 12
I am sorry for what you have been through. I understand how you feel and I can imagine how hard you pass your days. I felt that once when I was living with my relatives.
Have you talked about it to your husband? Have you suggested to move out since you are married??
It is not good for you living in such condition. Your happiness will decrease and your stress will increase..
If you havent talked to your husband, I think you should find time to talk to him about that..
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
7 Jun 12
You are so right, I feel so stressed and burn out everyday. I can't feel happiness. I have already suggested that we should just move out and to just rent near my work but my father in law is currently out of the country and there is no man will be left in the house if my husband and I will leave. It is indeed very hard. I thought that this things just happens in movies. Never in my imagination that this could also happen to me.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
6 Jun 12
I think it's time for you to say what is on your mind and take the consequences for it as a price you have to pay.
You tried to be polite, to keep silence but it's clear what is said is still hurting you and you don't understand why they need to compare.
So there are not much options left. You say what is on your mind and see how they respond. If they kick you out of the house, leave, with your head up in the sky.
Or you keep silence forever, stop thinking, complaining about it and stop feeling hurt about it as well. It's up to you what you decide.
What I do wonder about is why you don't mention your husband. Is he aware of this? Doesn't he care? Are you not talking about this with him? If he does but does ignore your feelings, I think he is a lousy husband and there is not any lost if it comes to him (and his family).
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
6 Jun 12
Yes, my husband is very much aware of it, but I guess he loves his family more than I. He would always take their side. When I told him how I feel, he just said they really behave that way eversince. He's trying to tell me that those kind of behavior is just normal to them and therefore I should not be hurt by that.
