My SIL and DH
By viakri
@viakri (123)
United States
July 2, 2012 2:56pm CST
Ok readers, this is going to be a long one!
My husband and I have been together for over 9 years now. He has an older sister who he was always very close to. Before I came along, they did everything together. When my husband and I met, she had a 18 month old daughter who I fell in love with. His sister and I became good friends and everything was wonderful! Soon after, anytime my husband and I would have a disagreement, she would jump in and try to fight his battles. His mother was the same way. Over the years they both have said very nasty things to me and my husband never stood up for me.
The last time his mom jumped into one of our disagreements, she and I had a huge argument. My husband still did not stand up for me. When she left I told him that I was done and that he should never allow his family to talk badly to or about me. He ended up calling his mom and told her she was wrong and they have barely spoken since (this was August 2006).
His sister had a second child about seven months after we had our first. The relationship between all of us was on and off but rocky. My husband and I stuck together through it all. My SIL used to send her two kids to my FIL's house every other weekend to spend time with him. When her daughter was 5, she found out my FIL had been sexually abusing her and he is now in prison. A few months after my FIL was arrested, my SIL abandoned her children and her "baby daddy" to move in with a guy she was working at a fast food restaurant with. (This was Jan. 2009)
She was only allowed to have supervised visits with her children because she smoked pot and kept testing positive for it in court. She had finally quit smoking it and after a year was allowed weekend visitation. She had baby #3 by the new guy in October 2010. A month later she started smoking pot again. Come to find out also her new boyfriend is addicted to vicodin. They have my nephew in a terrible environment. I hate it! A couple of months ago, I found out that she is selling pot and has a 17 year old living in her basement. I think she even sells it to his friends.
My husband's birthday was last week and while I was at work he texted me saying he was taking our kids to go hang out at his sister's. I replied with I do not want them over there because of what she allows to go on there. He told her this and she texted him back telling him what a bad mother I am and called me all kinds of bad names. Of course my DH did not stand up for me! UGH! I texted her telling her she had no room to call anyone a bad mother and that I was just trying to protect my children. She told me she is not selling anymore (I don't believe her) and I should not keep the kids from her. I responded that she is welcome to see them anytime she wants... AT MY HOUSE.
She is no longer speaking to me and I am okay with that.... I am still upset with my DH though.
Thanks to anyone that listened. I really needed to vent about my Jerry Springer in-laws!
Has anyone else had similar issues with their spouse and their families? Pleas share how you handled it!
6 people like this
18 responses
@seriousnuts (508)
• Philippines
7 Jul 12
A long story you have there. All I could say is that I admire you for your strength and for standing up for your beliefs. You are so right for protecting your children from bad environment. I have heard of too many instances when a woman is in conflict with her in-laws. In a country such as mine, there are still a lot of couples living under the same roof with the parents, which creates more conflicts. A husband cannot please both wife and parents/siblings, so I believe it's best that the couple do not live under the same roof. In addition, parents and grandparents may have different ideologies with regards to disciplining children. In your case, it's a little better because you don't live in the same house with your in-laws. It's a really difficult situation you are in, perhaps you should just maintain the not-speaking terms you have now with your SIL. I think it's better that way. With regards to your husband, he is just caught in the middle. After all, they are his family, his roots. Stay strong my friend! I hope your situation will get better.
1 person likes this
@seriousnuts (508)
• Philippines
11 Jul 12
I'm from the Philippines. Many of the Filipinos, especially those from a poor neighborhood in the city, live in crowded apartments. So the wife has to deal with all the in-laws. Also, in Chinese culture (I'm of Chinese descent), some traditional parents would even see you as a bad son/daughter if you don't want to live with them after marriage.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
21 Jul 12
I would NEVER want to deal with the cultural anomalies of living somewhere other than the United States! Ugh... it is so ODD and weird to me that people will live in one place, multiple generations. It causes a lot of problems, a lot of nosy behavior, overstepping boundaries, etc. NOT WORTH IT. I believe it is best when a couple decides to be together longterm and get married (or sometimes not) to get out on their own and live together with NO OTHER PEOPLE lol. Other people are a huge source of irritation, I had roommates when I first had my own apartment and it was NOT a situation I would ever want to repeat. I even warned my grown kids NOT to have roommates and NEVER to move in with other family, unfortunately, neither of them really took me seriously and both of them had the same kind of problems I did with roommates.
Truthfully, I wouldn't care if someone thought I was a bad son or daughter if I didn't want to live with them. It's not personal, it's just that I don't need any other person nosing into my personal business, trying to say anything about anything I do, or 'watching' anything my husband and I do or having anything to say about our kids or how we raise them. Think whatever you want but I draw the line with you ever opening your mouth to say something stupid and unwanted lol. Yep, it's much better to live in your own home separate from other people, and making sure they CALL FIRST before they come over so you can plan for them or hurry up and get in the car and leave so you're not there when they show up lol!
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jul 12
wwow if in 9 years my hubby did not stick up for me when his family was belittling me I wou ld be out of there for sure.life is too short to be your in laws target.Talk it over with hubby, tell'him its over if he does not back you up in these arguments, then if he
still refuses walk out , go to your moms just ;let him kmow you
hate his family making you feel like a p iece of crapl
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
4 Jul 12
I am with you, I would not want my kids there either. My husband doesn't open his mouth either. When I ask him why, he just tells me he didn't think I needed his help, that I was handling it fine on my own. My husband is laid back until you really piss him off about something, and then he just explodes.
1 person likes this
@freymind (1351)
• Philippines
5 Jul 12
I don't have any problems with my In Laws and I thank God for that every single day I'm with my hubby right now. You're one brave woman and I commend you for that. How dare for your SIL to even call you a bad mother when what you are just doing is protecting your children from her evilness.
I pity your husband for not having a back bone sorry if I may sound rude to you but its his family and he should know better than to bring the children on that woman's house. I pray that all your troubles will end soon. Have a good one.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
5 Jul 12
I agree. Her husband is not doing right by not defending his wife. He may feel it is okay for his original family to disrespect him, but he should now allow them to disrespect her.
@sherrybelle (707)
• United States
2 Jul 12
Hello viakri,
It sounds like you have a fairly passive husband. I understand you wanting to protect your children.
There's a triangle that takes place when you are close to people. The triangle is that one person is the bad guy, the 2nd person is the victim and the 3rd person is the rescuer. It sounds like you've been viewed as the bad guy as certain times.
You're husband needs to grow a "back bone" to support you in your choice to do what's best for your children even if he wants a friendship with his sister.
Tell your husband he can spend time with his sister WITHOUT taking the kids over there. Stand your ground and let him know that you are "wearing the pants" in the family where this decision is concerned.
@viakri (123)
• United States
2 Jul 12
He knows not to mess with me where the kids are concerned. A mother's rage is not something he likes to come in contact with! HEHE :) It really hurts me that he did not stand up for me when his sister called me a bad mother. He should never let anyone say that about me! It doesn't really bother me that she said it because 1)I know it's not true and 2)I considered the source. It still hurts that he would stand by and let someone say that.
1 person likes this
@TheIzers (680)
•
2 Jul 12
wow that was difficult one, I don't have that type of situation but I am with you 100% for not letting your husband taking your kids to see her at her house. I think you made the best decision for your children interest, their safety come first that's right I will do the same. if she really clean she will not be worry about coming to see your kids at your house, if she does then something must not right. 
1 person likes this
@viakri (123)
• United States
2 Jul 12
I hate that it has come to this because my DH has no family now. His mother lives in FL and they don't speak, his father is in prison, and his sister is now off his list too... My family treats him as if he is family, but it's not the same. It breaks my heart for him :(
1 person likes this
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
17 Jul 12
I am sorry your husband didn't support you. It sounds like a difficult situation. I think you will make the best decisions you can by keeping your kids best interests in mind.I haven't had any similar issues, thank goodness.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Goodness you certainly have had a few rounds with the In-Laws! I have not had a problem to that extreme. Certainly my sister-in-laws think that their brother walks on water most of the time and that I am a pain but they don't say anything about me or even to me in a bad manner. I think his older sister was sympathetic more to his ex-wife than she probably should be. She talked to her quite a bit about our relationship (which neither my hubby or myself appreciated)but nothing too extreme. I hope that your husband listens to you about not allowing your children around the SIL. Good luck with it all and feel free to vent here.
@viakri (123)
• United States
10 Jul 12
Why are people like that? Why can't they see that their brother/son are not perfect? That bothers me so much! He won't take them there if I don't want them there. He would not want to deal with this mother's rage! If he did that, I would become a person that he would not want to know! I don't know how I ended up with the world's most dysfunctional in-laws in the world, but I really hope for my husband's sake that they all grow up one day. I will not hold my breath though!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Jul 12
The situation that you've described is definitely not a healthy situation for a child to be brought up in. But, there is really nothing that you are able to do about that. With that said, you can do something about the situations that your own children are in and I think that you are doing the right thing by not allowing your children to be in the situation at your SIL's house.
What I don't understand, however, is the fact that your husband doesn't stand up for you and even doesn't realize that allowing your children to be in that situation for any time is something that is not healthy for them.
@viakri (123)
• United States
10 Jul 12
Once I talked to him, he understood why I don't want them there. I think it's hard to see the bad in someone you love. He just thought he was taking the kids to see their aunt and it was harmless. If she were a normal aunt, it would be harmless. Unfortunately for our family, she is not.
@apoljuice1 (730)
• Philippines
14 Jul 12
That sounds like a lot. I have had some run-ins with my SIL, but nothing that serious. That sounds very serious. I don't blame you for not wanting your kids to go over there: who knows what they might pick up from her house? It's a good thing whenever anything happens, his family doesn't try to join in the fight. Although, when my husband fights with his sister, the in-laws always take the sister's side because she's younger. I find it unfair sometimes because my MIL and FIL know that my SIL is usually wrong, but they still stick up for her. Although, thankfully there are times when they've heard enough and they take it upon themselves to yell at her. But most of the time, if anybody tries to go against my SIL, the whole family would try to stand up for her, and if anything happened to my husband, well, they just usually leave us to it.
1 person likes this
@cheerfulnuts (604)
• Philippines
7 Jul 12
Hi viakri. I'm sorry, but your husband's relatives are really messed up. You're in such a difficult situation.:( I know how it feels. I'm not yet married, but I have seen this kind of situation in people I'm close with. Clearly, your husband is caught in the middle and doesn't like to choose between you and his sister/mom. Like what other said, he is passive and hates conflict. Each of you is important to him and standing up for you would make him look like the bad guy.
YOU ARE RIGHT. You're only protecting your children. Though your husband doesn't want to admit it, deep down, he knows you're right and he knows his sister is a very very bad mother. If I were in your shoes, I would stay away from these people and won't let my children go near them. There's a Chinese proverb saying that children are like blank papers. They will become whatever color you put on them. As a mother, it is your responsibility what color to put on your "papers".
I think you're a good wife. After all the nasty things your husband's family had said to you, you still tried to compromise and agreed to let your children see the aunt in your home. But I guess it's better to just cut off the relationship. I know it may sound harsh to your husband, but it's cleaner this way and your life will be less complicated. What if your children become very close to your SIL. When they grow up and your SIL still sells pot, and she get arrested, she would ask help from your children (because she couldn't ask her own children since they are messed up like her). Your children will bail her out. Not long after, she will get arrested again and your children will be forever linked to their dear aunt.
In my opinion, it's best to make decisions based on what's best for your children. You may hurt your husband's feelings, but, as I've said, deep down, he knows you're right.
@cheerfulnuts (604)
• Philippines
11 Jul 12
This is hard. There may be more arguments to come because of your insistence, but don't give in to your husband's wishes. He can't think straight because it's his sister that is involved.
You can't really avoid your kids' seeing you two arguing. Talk to your kids and be open to them. Don't keep this issue a secret. They should know so that they would understand. Tell your kids, "You're daddy's angry because I don't want you to see your aunt. That is understandable because your dad loves his sister as much as you love each other. But I can't let you go near her because I love you. I don't like a lot of things that your aunt does, and I don't want you to become like her."
I hope things will work out. If things get worse, maybe your should consider moving to a different town or some place that is very far from your husband's relatives.
@viakri (123)
• United States
10 Jul 12
I think he knows I'm right, he is just too hurt and stubborn to admit it! I like that proverb. I have never heard it before. I keep trying to tell him that though. Even down to the way he drives. He has serious road rage and I tell him that the kids are watching him and learning from him and he needs to be a better example to his children. I hope he gets it one day...
@jeannie53 (28)
•
6 Jul 12
i think u and your husband need to have a long talkeed aNBOUT your sister and then later on you and the sister and husband need to talked because if she is still smoking u should not have your kids there and nethier your husbanda
@viakri (123)
• United States
10 Jul 12
Well she has no desire to speak to me, and I am perfectly fine with that. My husband is a big boy and if he wants to make a bad choice to go over there, that's his problem! I am only responsible for where my children go. I wish I could tell him he can't go there, but our relationship is not like that.
@Cartoonmagic (4)
• United States
4 Jul 12
Me and my girlfriend have problems also. Her mother is always butting into our lives and her eniire family is always wondering where I'm working or what I'm doing with my money, ect. Lets just say that one day, i came home from work one day and my girlfriend and her mother are sitting in my living room talking about me and how my house isn't good enough. I jump in and started yelling and told them both very nicely to get out of my house if its not good enough for them. I felt like i was in a corner for the next half hour. Her mother leaves, then an hour later.. we get a phone call.. it was her mother complaining about how disrespectful i am! So I'm kinda in the same situation.. i could go on for hours about this, but i'm being nice.
@viakri (123)
• United States
10 Jul 12
That's rough... Girls need to vent but maybe your girlfriend needs to find someone to vent to that won't take up offense for her. She just needs a sounding board, not someone to fight her battles! There are two people in that relationship... Everyone else should stay out of it... In the end she will realize that at the end of the day it's just you and her... Not her family too!
@bananacake3126 (9)
•
16 Jul 12
seems like your hubby doesnt love you. there is a saying "blood is thicker than water" but for me thats not true. my husbands family dont like me ever since, and its hard for me. all of his siblings gave me a hard time, my sister in law treated me like crap, called my phone & texted me with bullying but i just ignored them because my husband told me that that they are only jealous with me because of the attention what my husband has given me all the time. so i understand,, he stood up by me and never leave me. he got angry and disappointed with his family about that. i did not do anything to my husbands family, still they are mad at me. (and i dont care anymore),, so now we are living our lives happy. they lost their brother because they are not good to me. for me blood is thicker than water. but maple syrup is thicker than blood.....so pancakes are more important than family. (based on my experience)
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
18 Jul 12
I haven't had similar issues, really, although my mil was (and sometimes still is) a bit nuts and very possessive of her children. For the first few years, I just let it slide because my husband kept insisting she was just going through a rough time, but then I finally started telling him that when she behaved badly, he was to either tell her not to, or to cut off contact with her, because it was damaging us. So he took a break from her. She's better now, but it took years of trying to place boundaries.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
22 Jul 12
I am sorry to learn of your plight and reading about your husband's attitude just makes me sympathize you more. However, I think you will understand your husband's stance with his sister and I really cannot blame him for putting his sister first. Sometimes it is just instinctive for him being the brother and all where he will try to give his sister the benefit of doubt. Chinese have a saying: "Blood is thicker than water" and even though your sister-in-law may be in the wrong. I don't think you could really blame your husband.
For a start, I don't think your sister-in-law is doing well and at her stage if her brother (your husband) is not look out and after her (genuinely) - I don't think there will be another soul on your side of the planet that will be.
I am not saying that your husband is doing the right thing (sometimes) but I do believe in being objective and logical in cutting some slack. Like the incident you mentioned where he is bring the kids over to her place, I don't think I would mind if he is around with them as opposed to leaving them alone with your sister-in-law, which is totally different and unacceptable to me.
On the other end, I know for a fact that words once spoken can never be retracted or corrected and no matter how sorry we feel and apologized thereafter, things will never be the same. So, I would advise a word of caution and think thrice before saying anything to your sister-in-law especially what you think of her. Sometimes, things just don't happen without a reason and it would be good to understand it before calling out our point of view. It has helped me for many years and I hope that this will help you too.
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
19 Jul 12
My goodness thank goodness you fell out with them early on.What a lot of lives ruined by your fil .You keep your kids away from their aunty.Tell your husband his days are numbered.I am sorry to say your husband has no back bone.I expect he does feel sorry for his sister but goodness me.The whole family has one big problems.Get yourself out ,get your kids out of that situation as quick as you can.I cannot understand your husbands loyalty to his family after all that has happened.He seems to feel responsible for his sister.He is not he is responsible for you and his own children.Where is your mother in law in all this.?
@JRJohnson (85)
• United States
26 Jul 12
Wow! Sounds as though your husband needs to learn the definition of boundaries. I realize it's his blood relatives involved, but the proper thing to do is support your spouse and his family should understand that. Although is seems as though they would be incapable of doing so. Remind him that people who do bad things suck the energy out of your life and it's best to distance yourself from them, related or not!!!!
