Unsupportive Friend
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
United States
July 5, 2012 6:29pm CST
I find myself sometimes feeling like I've outgrown this friend who has been my friend for a decade.
As the years have passed, I am starting to see that this person maybe very self-absorbed when it comes to her problems and not wanting to be a supportive friend in return.
The last incident was when I was telling her about how I get screwed over at a job. I was telling her what had happened, and she makes a comment that seems like she was on the side of the crazy management that screwed me over. Anyway, I just let it out to her that I found that she wasn't being supportive the same way that I was supportive of her.
For the past ten years, I've been listening to her talk about these guys that she cares for or in love with. However, these guys never wanted her and weren't unemotionally available to her. For the past ten years, she has been talking about this one particular guy who is married with a family. Basically, this guy is an emotional and verbal abuser. After the past several years telling her what kind of person he is, she still doesn't want to drop him like a hot potato. This guys has done some unforgivable things like read her journal...and keeping secrets like the fact that he got married.
Well, I told her that I was tired of her not reciprocating the kind of support that I give her. I told her that she cared more about these guys who crow on her than her own friends or family. Anyway, she basically told me that her mom asked her to do something and asked could we discuss this later.
Well, we never did. I feel like this person is still stunted in her college days except for she does have a job. She hasn't been out on her own since college. She says that she wants a family and such...but I just see that her life is just passing her by. She has suitors who were very interested in her, but she shut them down because they weren't the bad boys that she was into trying to save.
Anyway, as time passes, I don't know if this person and I will be friends in the long haul.
6 responses
@Goldenladyrege (104)
• Philippines
6 Jul 12
You just said it yourself that your friend does not give you the kind of attention that you gave her. Don't be sad, maybe he have some problems of her own that she could not discuss to you at present. Be sensitive on her feelings, she might have other things in priority as f the moment. However, you are right that you need to discuss the matter. A friend must be patient, tolerant, and most of all loving, because when you love you tend to do things for the good of your relationship...
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
• United States
6 Jul 12
I know that she isn't here to defend herself, but I've been patient with this friend for ten years. This is her trend. What I believe that I've done is become one of her enablers, and since the last argument, I've stopped it. For me, if you haven't learned by now who loves you and who is there for you, why should I reciprocate the same? I've been doing it for the past ten years. She even told me one time that she didn't need a shrink. She has me. Well, if that's the case, I consider myself leaving the premises. I quit a month ago when I blasted her out about choosing folks who don't care about her over folks that do.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
6 Jul 12
I'm sorry first of all. I know exactly how it feels to have someone in your life like this. A friendship goes both ways, or it should anyway like any relationship. Most of the time, it is one person being a better friend than the other. It is so hard now a days to find a true friend. They are very far and few between!
That is why I love it here so much. There are tons of people to talk to and listen to you when you need it the most. I have found that I do not need friends like the one you are talking about when I have good friends here, maybe not in person but good friends the same.
Just know there are plenty of people here to listen when you need it. =) That girl does not sound like a good friend at all. I hope you make the right choice when it comes to her...
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
• United States
7 Jul 12
Thanks, LoveMyBabies! I appreciate it.
I am not going to stop being friends with this person, but I feel like we aren't close friends as we used to be. Sadly, as time goes on, I just feel like we hardly have anything in common. My biggest thing is knowledge, reading, philosophy, etc. Whenever we do talk, we discuss movies, or we used to really discuss the one guy who screwed her over...really bad. We don't even talk about him anymore because I don't want to. He's married, he has a family...and he still treats her like scum. To him, I feel like he uses her as his emotional sponge rag. I don't know if she's still chatting with him...but ever since the online confrontation that we had, we haven't discussed him since. I prefer it that way.
@Lauraleigh99 (4718)
• United States
6 Jul 12
Sometimes people grow up others don't. Sounds like your friendship is a one way street and it is all about her. Sorry but you don't need a friend like that. I hate people that talk all about them and their issues and when you tell a story they turn around and make the conversation all about them again. I know a few people like that and try to stay away from them. Friendships are 2 way streets and there is a time to listen, a time to talk and a time to kick back and have fun!!
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
6 Jul 12
This happens, everyday people move on, we meet new friends and people and we tend to outgrow even ourselves most of the time - not knowing what we want to do for our own lives. the thing is we cannot always expect to be the same with everyone else even if we have been with them for a long time. People's preference changes and so does our hearts...
I think the time apart separated you and your friend's bond... the number of people or guys she met has actually taken a part of her that you knew and then i am sure she knows how long you both have been friends already so i am sure she thinks you both won't lose the bonding you have because its years of friendship after all.
What you did when you told her about your true feelings is what any people would do - a real friend. I would appreciate you telling me this if i was this friend on the receiving end. But Let us leave it to her and if she lets your friendship go, then maybe you do not know her as she was before. People change and we can never control other people.
@nerein (283)
• United States
6 Jul 12
It is a shame that there are friends that are like. Ultimately people like that usually care about only what they want. You have told how you felt about everything that she has done. You have told her how she cares for these losers more than her friends and family. Keep on telling her how you feel. If she doesn't change tell her you can't be her friend. It is better to have no friends than to have unsupportive friends.
@nyssa102 (748)
• United States
6 Jul 12
First of all, I'm very very sorry that you are experiencing this. It happens to all of us, and that is sad. The person that only wishes to be loved and listened to, but refuses to listen back. Believe me, I have that. Sometimes I think that people like us are just really gifted listeners and we take great care in the feeling of others, as a result, we are often treated as sounding boards, husks that just listen and have no feelings. When we wish to convey our feelings, we are ignored. I hate that, but it happens all the time. Perhaps, that is why some of us use message boards. We can actually reach people who would care to listen to us, when those of us who are close by refuse to listen and just wish to be heard. I actually test men on that. I refuse to love a man who will not listen to me. I actually refuse now to carry on a friendship with anyone who just uses me as a sounding board. Take care, keep the faith, there are good people out there. Hope you find someone new, someone who deserves your friendship
