Standing by your friend through everything - even an idiot spouse
By sedel1027
@sedel1027 (17846)
Cupertino, California
July 23, 2012 5:30pm CST
I try to be supportive, I really do. I don't know how much longer I really can hold my tongue. I really like my friend and after she had her baby, she went through a rough time. She didn't want to go back to work even before she had her, of course that desire grew after she gave birth. Since she missed her chance to get out - because her husband convinced her not to - she has to stay for the rest of her contract. She has been through therapy, started doing more for herself. Her husband stays at home with their daughter. He isn't a very good house spouse. She is being moved for training and he wants her to leave HER pet behind. There is no reason that she HAS to do this.
I'm really trying to not be mean to him.....I don't know how much more I can hear her say. She knows I am on her said,that it is unreasonable to leave your pet behind. She agrees it is unreasonable. She earns the money in the household, he has slacked off for years....I want to shake her and tell her, just to bring the darn cat!
Would you be able to bite your tongue?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
24 Jul 12
It would be hard, but I had to do that as well, not where a pet is concerned, but the fact that this friend's husband gets drunk all the time and occasionally beats her. It wasn't me who put distance between us either, it was her. She seemed to think I was judging her for not leaving, when in fact I was concerned about her and her son in an abusive relationship. We are FB friends, but she never calls me anymore or talks to me..
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
24 Jul 12
That is really sad 
I'm sorry you lost your friend trying to protect her.
I'm sorry you lost your friend trying to protect her.1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
24 Jul 12
I understand her side as well. Must be really frustrating to know you can't help her though. I had a neighbor many years ago who came over one night because her husband whipped her with a belt because he had a bad day at work. She refused to call the police because she didn't want him kicked out of the military. She did stay at my house that night and the next day her mom drove down and moved her out of the house. Took a lot of talking to get her to call her Mom though. I felt really bad for her, she was young - 16 - married with a kid.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
24 Jul 12
Well, I kind of understand the fear she has if she tries to leave, and I see she is still active on FB, but I notice that she never posts up anything that she has told me, so as far as I know, she can be on FB with anything from bruises to broken bones..I hope not of course, but I know her husband, a major change would have to happen if he is still not abusing her..
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
24 Jul 12
I couldn't say for sure but I'd try to bite my tongue, although I'd HAVE to tell my friend what I would do in that situation and that I would never allow my spouse to call the shots like that when he isn't even contributing to the financial stability of the family. I understand that someone has to be there to watch the baby but it doesn't have to be him. My kids had babysitters until I was able to get full time work I could do from my home. No, something like her pet cat should be HER decision, only. I think he's being totally unreasonable telling her to leave her pet behind. How could he even suggest it? I mean, how hard is it for him to watch the cat while she's working? Cats are very independent. I could almost understand it if we were talking about a dog since they need more attention than a cat but, geez! No, he has no right to tell her to leave her pet behind.
If I were her, I'd leave HIM behind. But, that's just me. 
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
24 Jul 12
I told her the same thing. If it was between my pet or my husband, he would get left behind lol
Well, I told her the situation my husband and I were in a few months ago. We thought he may go to Hawaii and in order to save our pets (we have birds, 80% mortality rate when you put them in quarantine) we were willing to split our family up. My husband said her husband had lost his mind and she shouldn't listen to him lol
The part that is really annoying me at this point is that she is super independent when they are separated, however she lets him talk her into things. She won't say WHY he won't allow the cat either. All she says is she doesn't know what to tell him. I think there is something else going on there that she doesn't want to admit.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
24 Jul 12
No, I wouldn't bother biting my tongue. What sort of friend would I be if I didn't speak up about my friend being with such a monster? No man worth his while would ever tell his wife to abandon her pet.
Hopefully, your friend will find the courage to get out of the marriage soon. Her husband obviously has no respect for her.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
24 Jul 12
The thing with her husband is, overall he isn't a bad guy. He is an insecure fool more than anything else. To be honest, they are the ultimate mismatched couple when you look at them. He is 100% out of shape and could use to loose about 60 pounds and she is a totally in shape, not an ounce of fat on her airman. I really think he is talking her into not taking the cat so HE doesn't have to worry about the cat (like a cat is such a problem lol)
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
24 Jul 12
hi sedel...I think that if you are a real friend you have an obligation
to tell her just how you feel but thats only if she ask your opinion
other wise I would keep my opinions to myself..I do understand your
position but hold that tongue a little more...I would want to shake
her and then shake her again, but she obviously is not as strong minded
as you or she would make decisions for herself and and not depend on the
opinions/decisions of her life when it come to decisions of her life...
Let her come to you for your opinion and THEN and only then will your
opinion be worth while to her..
Good luck to your friend and you sound like a real good friend to have
on their side....
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
24 Jul 12
Thanks and very true. It's just very frustrating. The fact that I can not help her doesn't help the situation.
The fact that I can not help her doesn't help the situation.
@MusicSavy (22)
• Grenada
23 Jul 12
Well, if I had the authority to speak into her life (being a friend or close relative) I would tell her what i think specifically about the cat:whether its yes or no to bring it.
But it really comes down to this wife being obedient and submissive to her husband...even at the ideas that aren't the brightest and even after you've made the suggestions as a wife which may be the right thing to do.
I know some people might gasp at such an idea.
And as contrary as the world puts it...it's actually the godly thing to do.
What about huzzy's stupid idea?Well it's still stupid and you submit even though you may know better and when the results turn up whatever it is in whatever way that it was a stupid idea...then he has to live up to the fact that he made the mistake and wrong choice.
Specific to the case of the cat...submission here might mean okay i have to leave the cat behind but somebody's gotta cat-sit or i bring the cat to a family or neighbor or a friend pass by to feed and check up on it...
hope this helps.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
24 Jul 12
This isn't a short trip though. They are moving for good.
The deal with the cat is that he just doesn't want to bring her. No valid or logical reason as to why. He just doesn't. Now this is a cat my friend had before they met, before they got married, ect. She has had this cat almost 7 years. To her, leaving the cat is like leaving her child.
Personally - and my husband knows this - if it came down to him or the pets (of course without a reasonable issue - like attacking the kids or something along those lines), the pets would win out. We were actually almost in that situation ans discussed that if he had to go overseas for almost 2 years to finish out his contract, I would stay with the pets & kids stateside to not risk the health of our pets.
I know what she is going through, but pets are family.
