Sister Sister Sister

Asperger's is a form of autism. People who have it are unable to put themselves in another person's shoes or see another viewpoint other than their own. My sister has it very severely. She sees life through a filter and finds reality impossible to deal with. She cannot express herself appropriately and often talks too loud. She basically lives in her computer games and fantasy world. When she has to deal with anything new in the real world, she feels very daunted. A few years ago she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. At that point in time she was living in her own trailer and it looked like something straight off "Hoarders". It had not been cleaned for at least twenty years and the dust and animal droppings and smell were overwhelming. I cleaned the whole thing out over the period of about 8 months, going out with my daughter each Friday after work and returning to my home Saturday evening, often as late as 10pm. We had at least fifty runs to the dump with a minimum of fifty large (36 gallon) garbage bags on each trip. When my sister got out of the hospital, I just could not bring myself to send her back to that trailer so I opened my home to her. She is very OCD and cannot stand people around her. She expects others to tolerate her rudeness and has no notion that she could ever be in the wrong. One time while she was living with us, she came out of her room and there was a box on the floor in her way. She just stopped and stood there, looking at it like she was lost, until I told my daughter to move it for her. She has no problem solving abilities at all. At the same time she is very highly intelligent and has built her own computers. She gets on the computer and she's happy but only if everything is the way she wants it! She is extremely intractable and has to have everything her own way. For example, when she plays her World of Warcraft she has to have the sound on and cannot have headphones on so the sounds of violence permeates the entire house. This makes it very difficult for those of us trying to keep a peaceful spirit in the home. She has no sense of propriety and no manners at all. One Thanksgiving some friends of mine had us over for dinner. The rest of us played board games after dinner but my sister doesn't play board games so she laid down on their couch and just lay there loudly farting all through the rest of the evening. No apologies or "excuse me". Those are words that are lacking in her vocabulary. But when describing our tiff, of course, she lays all the blame on me. It's all my fault because I'm the big bad bully sister and she is the eternal victim. I just don't think I can be there anymore for her. She has no appreciation for anything I have done for her. She accuses me of resenting everything I've done instead of expressing any kind of gratitude. She is in many ways a child. We only recently got her diagnosed so she grew up without any intervention that might have helped her development. Needless to say, she is difficult at best to deal with. She has no affection and no kind words for anyone. But she will take offense when none is intended and then beat you up for it until you beg her forgiveness. Any relationship with her is very one-sided, to say the least.

You are in a difficult situation with your sister but because of her illness you must try to understand and OVERLOOK a lot. She is not her usual self. I have Parkinson's now but I try to live a normal life. Help her. One day someone will help you. That is the way the world works. We are here for a very short time. Be the bigger guy. Overlook some of her faults. Speak to her. And most of all try and be compassionate despite her ways. You can't get rid of family. What you do in this situation will teach your own kids about life.

riempie, you obviously do not understand the situation. The fact is that my sister is her usual self. This is pretty much par for the course for her. She has been this way all her life. The fact is that I have stuck by her through thick and thin and do not think I need to kill myself in order to do my duty as her sister to her. There is such a thing as self-preservation. I have set her up with a caregiver and gotten her on disability. She is cared for...thanks to me. But I have health issues of my own and have no more to give. I don't think submitting to her abuse is necessary or needful. Nor does it do her any favors. I have four other sisters whom she has cut out of her life long ago because of one perceived offense or another. They lost all patience with her and gave up long before I ever thought of doing so. I was the one who got her diagnosed. I was the one there for her and walking her through her bout with cancer. I was the one who got her out of Alaska and into some kind of help. Don't tell me I haven't been compassionate with her or understanding with her or the "bigger guy". You have no idea what I am dealing with in my own life so spare me your preachments.

You are very welcome, like I said, I know what you are going through more or less. I agree that when you have a lot on your mind it's harder to deal with these things. They are always hard to deal with, but when you reach your own emotional peak you can't be there for her as well. The sending of the picture sounds like making a statement, making a visual statement about the size of the hurt you caused her. Along the way, she doesn't seem to have any room for thoughts or attention about how this will affect you. Like you said, she doesn't seem to have the abillity to see things from your point of view; which pretty much is one of the main things in autism spectrum disorders. I hope that after some time she will cool down and things will get better. Handling a lot of stressful situations isn't good the babies health so I admire you for being strong and being able to say no to your sister, because you do feel responsible. Otherwise it wouldn't have gotten to you so bad. You are a great sister for caring so much about her.

Thank you. I needed that.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt input. Like I have said before, if I didn't have so much on my plate already I would willingly continue to deal with my sister. You are so right that individuals have their own character. My sister is very stubborn and once she gets into a particular mindset it's like pulling teeth to get past it. She has never had anything to give, emotionally. Never gave love or comfort or sympathy. She's like a huge emotional black hole. In her FB post she said something about wanting to apologize but that I wasn't talking to her so she couldn't...and yet she emailed me more of her nastiness after the FB post. No apologies. I don't dare say anything to draw her attention to that, though because then she would just use that as an excuse to attack me some more. She can be very unreasonable. It's like with the photo she sent me. My friend Angel gave her that for Christmas. If she truly just couldn't handle looking at it because it was so painful (as she said in her note), she could have given it back to Angel...or just thrown it away. She sent it to me because she wanted to hurt me. But she refuses to admit to any of it. It's all me being stubborn and mean...never her. Drives me nutso wutso! I just need a break. Maybe after the baby is born I'll have some recovery time and will be able to go back into that storm but not now.

Thank you, Axai. Yes, I have been the one to stand by her and get her the diagnosis and get her on disability. I have researched her condition so I do understand what is going on. Like I said, however, I am dealing with my own infirmities plus a pregnant teenage daughter. I am willing to help my sister out as much as I can but I am not willing to allow her to browbeat me over some imagined offense. I cannot continue to put up with her projecting things onto me, either, which she does all the time. She was the one who accused me of wanting to "end our relationship" and then she turned it around and told me that I was the one who said that. She is the one who insisted on building this misunderstanding into an argument "I'm right and you're wrong" and yet now she claims that I am the one doing that. I just want her to stop attacking me. After the package arrived today, I couldn't even bring myself to read her nasty note so I had my daughter read it to me. I emailed her back and told her to just leave me alone because I was done dealing with her nastiness. I hope she takes the hint. I just can't take this anymore.

Thank you, deazil. Have a great weekend. Take care and God bless.

I am SO sorry you're having a really bad time (understatement). Thank you for the explanation of AS. I was only aware of a small part of it. I appreciate the enlightenment. Please, take care of -yourself-. That's the most important thing right now. And your daughter. I know you are trying and I can't even imagine being in your shoes. You have already put up with more than most people could or would have. I wish I could do or say something to help. Axai, it's so good that you have experience with AS. You can understand better than I what a-ray is going through.