As a daughter

Dear, maybe as a youngster it was expected of you, but now that you are a functioning adult, it is now something you willingly do out of courtesy. You are being considerate of your loved ones' feelings by giving them the security of knowing your whereabouts and how to get in contact with you should the need to do so arises. A controlling environment is more like when you can't even so much as sneeze without someone's permission, let alone go out at all. You're clearly free to do what you wish, there is clearly trust that you are going where you say you are going and so on, and there is a preparation in place (via contact info) should any sudden changes in agenda come up...I see no problem here. I'm sure you expect your husband to show you the same courtesy. There have been so many missing person cases where that missing person lied about their whereabouts or simply didn't communicate much before disappearing...that is heartWRENCHING for loved ones who at that moment, more than any instant before that, needed to know what was going on and how to get a hold of that person. Your friends probably think you're being controlled because you continue to say that it's expected of you, and while that may technically be true, if it's also a habit and/or you choose to do this to be courteous and safe, then the fact that it's expected of you is no longer your reason. From now on, use language that suggests that it's YOUR preference and YOUR choice to do things that way. They won't misunderstand you anymore.

Usually when im in my car in the driveway at work i will text my boyfreind and one of my parents to let them know im on my way home. I usually try to inform at least my boyfriend of where i am and what im going to be doing. Now when i was growing up i had to call my parents and let them know of what i was going to be doing or if i was going to be out late that night. They wanted to know where i was and my mom was alittle weird she wouldnt go to sleep unti li got home but im sure alot of parents are like that but i dont think i could stay up for that im sure i would wake up if i hearad someone comig in the front door anyways or if my phone rang. I was brought up where guys should open the doors for me, and believe me my boyfriend does that i think he was brought up the same way and he has respect for me most of the time i should say but hes usually always good with that.

I think that many of us learn to love and respect others from our parents, and to let men open doors for you, and that a man should never be unkind to a woman. I don't think that you are being crazy. You want people to know where you are, but don't you have a cell phone? Or contact numbers? You don't have to leave any letters or notes if you have a cell phone or contact numbers. I have a cell phone, so all I have to do is leave text messages, or call. I would only ever use letters or notes if my phone wasn't working and I had no other way to tell people where I am. I definitely had to leave a note for my parents before I went anywhere as I child and teenager, but as an adult, we all have cell phones now, so we know where everyone is at all times. It's never an issue.

Its not control at all...it is respect and consideration. I was raised the same way and I raised my girls to be like that. When they turned 18,of course they are "legally" an adult and therefore able to make their own decisions but truth be known, I was letting them make their own decisions with some guidance long before they turned 18. They all dealt with this same issue...why are you still telling "mommy" where you are etc. It's what we do. I tell them if I am going to be late coming home or if I go anywhere other than a quick run to the store. Why? I don't want them to worry. Also in the event of an emergency, it is good to know how to reach each other. When my dad passed, 26 yrs ago, this lesson became painfully clear to us all. My brother was working out of town on a job...neglected to tell any of us where he was and we were unable to get hold of him. Also...never ever leave anyone you love with angry thoughts...if you do, call them or go back and make peace asap. you just never know.

Yes, it makes perfect sense to me. When people tell you that your love controls you they are telling you that they don't feel comfortable acting that way, but that is their bias. If they don't want to act that way that's fine, it's their choice. But how do they know how it makes you feel to act the way you do. If it's not for them, fine, but it is for you. No one can tell what is the right way for you to love and to act on that love. If it feels right for you, then that is what counts. If others use words like "controlling", then they are simply projecting their biases.

OMG this is too funny. My husband and I never fight and argue but when we do its usually over this exact thing lol. He as a child was never required to do that I was and I still do. If I am not going to be home when he gets home I leave him a note to let him know where I am and when I will be back. If he does it he just leaves and does not ever leave a note. I tell him that its a nice thing to do so that I dont have to worry. Now that we have a child who is about to be a teen we require her to do the same leave notes let us know whats going on and if plans change to let us know and we need a phone number where we can reach her as well. Now that he is on the other side of things he is starting to realize that it was not me controlling him as he thought at first but just a way to communicate with our loved ones that we are safe and sound. When we first got married and he would take off with friends not letting me know where he was going he would tell me that he does not need to check in I am his wife not his mother. I would tell him then perhaps he should put him self in my shoes and to wake up one morning and me not be there with no note letting him know where I went, he said he would freak out and be worried and I told him well now you know how I feel. Its funny now that we have been married for almost 18 years and he is finally starting to realize that he does not want his daughter just running off with out us knowing where she is at and all the other details he is leaving notes now so that our daughter will do the same. The other thing is that now we all have phones so we can reach each other at all times so that really helps out now.