New to Step-parenting
By amycarp417
@amycarp417 (9)
United States
September 17, 2012 8:41pm CST
I married into a ready-made family this past April. I love my husband with all of my heart but I find that I'm not so crazy about his son that we have custody of sometimes. I've never been a parent until now and I'm still learning so maybe my expectations are too high of the boy. However, I grew up in a loving home where my parents had expectations of me. Not saying I never let them down but all in all, I was a good kid without having to really be punished. Granted, when I DID do something in which I deserved a punishment, it was a BIG something. I had chores and was taught repect. The hang-up I have with his son is he doesn't show me respect. When I ask him to do anything, it's the end of the world but he gets everything he opens his mouth for. He's sassy and has a problem with authority. He's only 10. I can see these negative qualities in him because I'm not blinded by that parental love that my husband has for him. I WANT to have that but I'm fearing that it will never be possible. I get no support from my husband in front of the child so he will always think that what I want or ask isn't important. My husband seems to think that it's up to me alone to develop that bond with his little boy but I think that my relationship with the boy will only thrive with support from my husband. What should I do?
7 responses
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
22 Sep 12
There is usually a strain between a step mom and a step son. And obviously, in your case, your step son might be thinking that the reason why his dad married again was he was trying to replace his mom. Of course, we know that this is not the reason, But at that age, the child is in the stage of confusion. Instead of having negative feelings over the kids, just try to win his heart one day at a time. I am sure if he sees you making an effort to be a good friend to him and you can explain to him that you are their to be a second mom and not replacing his real mom, maybe he'll have a change of heart.
It will take a little time. But with your perseverance, you will become part of the kid's life.
@watchamacallitz (1171)
• Philippines
20 Sep 12
I can feel you amycarp. My husband also has 2 kids from a previous relationship and yes, we are not close. I seldom see the kids because we rarely visit his family (the kids are with his parents), so it really isn't a big problem for me since i only have to be with them for a couple of hours.
As for you, you should talk to your husband about this and the behavior his son is showing towards you. Have him talk to his son and also, ask him to join you in some activities so that you all develop a bond. Good luck!
@angelkarah050182 (4980)
• Philippines
18 Sep 12
Oh,your situation isn't easy.I guess your husband should help you to develop that bond.Without any support, of course,his son won't try his best to get close to you.I guess he's waiting for his dad's go signal.How about cooking something delicious for the boy?Or take him out to the park and have some picnic?Or buy his favorite toys or food?I guess you have to do every possible thing which you can do to win that boy's heart.Try to talk to him in a nice way and tell him you're a person to be respected too. :)
@chuchaibugoy (79)
•
18 Sep 12
When you enter into a relationship being a wife to a husband with a child already of his own you also has the responsibility to be the guardian or the mother of the child. Responsible parenthood must be acted upon to the child to developed in the child the total personality a child should have to be. Let us be aware that the child of today is different from our times when values was strictly imposed to us by our parents. Whereas, today we cannot even give punishment to our kids even they commit mistakes because of many laws protecting minors. However, we are still above our kids and we have the right to discipline them to be an upright individual. First, Love must be developed first to the child as you love to your husband. And, try to adapt any measures that the child of your husband will in return give respect to you and will learn to love you. Good luck!...
@romzee (937)
• Philippines
18 Sep 12
It's no doubt you are heading for a tough times teaching your step son to respect you.
If can't get his father's support, don't worry. Always think positively.
Know his weaknesses and start from there. If he loves chocolate and you knew how to bake, then bake him a chocolate cake. Reach out and always try to communicate, this will help you create bonds with him.
And most of all pray...
Cheers!
@lizrelox (144)
• Philippines
18 Sep 12
That is a very hard situation I think. I suggest to please pray first and talk to your husband about it. Make it a normal conversation and tell him about your good intentions towards his son. Since you are now his partner you would want to help him to take good care of the child too. We are not sure if the kid has already accepted that his father now is married to a different woman. You need to know how your husband disciplines his son and if it's alright with him for you to also discipline his son. I have already encountered a similar situation the step mom tried a lot to be close to the child by providing help, care and understanding giving advises like a best friend the husband decided to do the discipline part. Maybe at the time you were able to develop a special mother and child bond you can start to give punishments too :-)
@angelkarah050182 (4980)
• Philippines
18 Sep 12
Oh,your situation isn't easy.I guess your husband should help you to develop that bond.Without any support, of course,his son won't try his best to get close to you.I guess he's waiting for his dad's go signal.How about cooking something delicious for the boy?Or take him out to the park and have some picnic?Or buy his favorite toys or food?I guess you have to do every possible thing which you can do to win that boy's heart.Try to talk to him in a nice way and tell him you're a person to be respected too. :)
