Is It Fair?

I do feel strongly about it because my husband and I are the couple I am referring to. My family who knows the whole situation about his accident are asking for our money. However, we are trying to get our lives straight and bills paid off with it. I think it was very unfair for them to ask for it...Now we are in a very bad position...

Perhaps you could explain the situation about the medical cost and all to them. I would think it is unreasonable for them to demand money from you, beside that accident might affect the work, that would mean a loss of income. Unless the family is committed to feed him the rest of his life, I do not them that the could demand of the part of the money.

What? They have a lot of nerve!Your family is asking for the money? For what reason do they think you should give them money? That's crazy!

If they hate you for taking care of your family first, then they have a problem. I know it's hard to say "no" to parents, but they should understand, even if they don't like it at first.

I agree with peavey,they have a problem if the hate you for caring for your kids!I am poor,but I never borrow from my grown kids,they have families to take care of.I am partialy handicapped and I was babysitting.Now that child is in elementary school now.I am having a hard time finding work that I can do with my handicapping conditions. Can your husband get disability?

Yeah I think it is very unfair for them to ask after they know what our life has been like and now my husband will be lucky if he can find another job because he has to find something he has never done before since he cannot use that hand... =( I just don't know how to tell my parents that we need the money and we cannot help this time. We have helped every other time they needed it even when we were struggling. They are probably going to hate me now...

What have they been living off of? If she is old enough for Social Security, why would she not get it? Do you have any brothers and sisters? Are your folks going to pay you back when they do have Social Security? Can they make arrangements with their bills? You are not a bad person.

Yeah I know people too, my parents. I don't know what to do GG. They are my parents but we have young children and we are trying to better ourselves for them. How can I tell them no when we have helped so much before??? I don't want them to hate me! This is breaking my heart...

This month they owe $550 for their bills so they asked for $5000 to pay bills from now until January when my mother is supposed to be getting social security. It's not even definite that she will get it but their hoping. I don't mind helping them with their bills but $5000 is a LOT of money to us and we still have a lot to do with the money...I hate the position we are in now. I want to help and if we were sure my husband could find a job quick then it would not be an issue but we might have to live off that money to survive... I feel like a really bad person.

I agree, we do have to learn to say no. That is quite difficult for us. We always feel really bad saying no. We will always put money in savings for that reason, in case there is an emergency. We have helped them plenty of times before. We just have to worry about us this time. We don't know how long my husband will be out of work due to his injuries now. I don't know what your talking about with the job thing. My husband has always worked. He has always taken care of us the best he could, but no they were never amazing paying jobs. He works construction...Or did. He has been out of work because his hand was cut on a saw and he almost completely lost his thumb that had to be sewn back on. He could not even change a diaper with that hand since it was in a cast so I could not work either. Here daycare costs as much as I would make since I don't have a college degree so that was not an option either. No we do not think we are going to get money from somewhere. My husbands accident was the WORST thing that could have possibly happened to us! Not something good... We would give that money back in a heartbeat if it meant my husband would be completely healed. His hand is worth WAY MORE than $30,000!!!!!!!!

I never meant to imply he was not working, only that he needed to find something better to work. Which it sounds like he has no choice in the matter now. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that would be worth some money. I assume his hand is expected to make a full recovery? Or is that an on-going problem? One thing that has helped me, and I don't know if it will help you, but I always remember 1 Timothy 5:8 "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." And then I just say that I'm not going to deny the faith, and that I intend to provide for my family first, and that's how it is. It's easier for me to say 'no' after I say that to them, because the next answer is "why do you want me to deny the faith and be worse than an unbeliever?" This even works on non-christian people because most people will respect you for standing for what you believe. Not all... but most.

My parents are believers so I should read them that verse. I bet that would shock them and shut them up! Lol. His hand will forever be messed up and he will forever be in pain. He will still work just to take care of us but he will be in pain every single day from it. The doctor told him he will have to work with one hand...

I agree I would never ask for it either. Unfortunately we were asked for it by people. We might have to live off of it for a while because of my husbands injuries. We don't know how long it will take him to find a job.

LovingMyBabies, I agree with rjshultz,you need to stand up to them.Tell them that you have helped them before and that it could also cause you trouble using it for other purposes then it was intended for.It is money from a law suit,not a lottery winnings.That would be illegal and it's imoral on their part to even ask you! I know someone who was given money in a lawsuit for a medical issue and they used part of the funds on other things then what they had gone to court for.Someone found out and told the people they suited and they took them back to court and they are in debt to those people. I'm sorry,but your parents aren't thinking much of their grandkids!

Yes they do know the background of the situation since they are family. They know all of what we have been through and still had the nerve to ask us for money! We have helped many times even when we didn't have enough for ourselves. But in this situation I think it was very unfair for them to ask. We are finally trying to get our life better for our children. The people that asked have grown children, not little ones anymore. It just isn't fair to us... Now I have to deal with telling my own parents we just cannot help them this time and I hate doing it but we have so much that needs to be done with the money. It is breaking my heart thinking about it. My husband will have to find a completely different job than he has ever done before and we are praying he will be able to find a job now...

I know it's difficult where family are concerned and especially now that you have revealed that it is your own family that is in this dilemma. However, if the family members asking for money have grown children then they should be taught the value of money -can they not get work? It sounds like your husband's work options have been limited, so they should also be made to realise this. In the big scheme of things $30,000 is not a lot of money if it is to help sustain you through the rest of your lives. I know it is easier said than done, but you need to bite the bullet and stand up to them in a calm, pragmatic way. For them to think that you will hand the money over as you have done before when less well off is horribly presumptive and unjust of them. I would make clear that £30,000 is there as an insurance for yourself and your husband (especially given his more limited job opportunities).I would also re-iterate the fact that it is for your children's future. You can not afford to beat yourself up about this. If they don't like it,then tough! If they really loved you they would understand. The only compromise I can think of is if you were to loan the sum to them -but,and I do not wish to insult your extended family, I get the feeling that you will not see a return for a while. I do hope that you are able to resolve this matter - you could do worse than show them these posts on Mylot - you have protected their identity but at least they could see that the general consensus of opinion is overwhelmingly in support of YOU and the fact that you should not give them the money.

Oh dear God... I'm sorry to hear about your husband, my friend.. May God bless him with good health as soon as possible... Reviewing the situation, I'd say don't give any money to anyone.. Are you working somewhere? Now, you'll need to take the responsibility and find a job... Its not just you two.. You've 3 kids to look after.. Good Luck dear.. Let us know if we could be of any help... May God protect you and bless you...

Yes my husband will be disabled for the rest of his life because of this accident. We don't know if he will find a job again and he cannot get disability because he worked off the books... We have helped them before, plenty of times but this time we have to take care of our 3 children and worry about their future. We might have to live on that money to get us through...

Thank you. Hopefully he will find a job that he can do even with his disability. No I am not working and I cannot work since I am Home Schooling our daughter. My husband will have to find a job in a different field. He will do it, he is determined to take care of us... God Bless you too! =)

Asking you for that money was just shameful...like they were entitled to it or something. It's not like you won the bloody lottery!!...even if that was the case they are still not entitled to anything. It's not that huge an amount even. If I were you I would be so disgusted. I would cut ties with them for a l o n g time, till I had cooled down and was prepared to forgive them. I'm proud of you for taking a stand against his folks.

Yeah, we didn't end up doing it. We told my parents we just could not do it right now. We have to worry about our children and we have tons of bills to catch up on! We have only done things we really needed, pay off bills, get a vehicle for our family to fit in, etc... My husband and I are very guilty of letting people use us and abuse us. Now we are trying to be stronger and only give when we have it and when someone really needs it. Right, same thing here with us. When we need help no one is to be found! For example, for a while our AC was broke when it was the hottest part of the summer. Not one person offered to help pay for a window unit, no one offered for us to stay at their house for a little bit until it got fixed...NOTHING. No help at all. But then they ask us for that amount of money!!! REALLY?!?

That's my girl! How dare they not respect you and Hubby! I wouldn't speak to them. yet alone help them out! You have to give respect to get it!

No, not the same person. It is actually my parents I am talking about this time. Lol. But they have looked down on us from day one too. We have helped them plenty of times before but this time we just can't. We might have to live on that money for a while because we don't know how long it will take him to find another job with his injuries! We have 3 children to worry about, they have grown children now. They should be selling all of their things that are not needed to pay their bills. They just don't want to, they would rather us get them out of their situation. Well, this time we just can't do it!

So what are you going to do? Have you decided yet?

I don't think it is fair either. We don't mind helping people but we don't need to feel guilty about it either when we can't. We need to worry about our own family and our children, but some people don't see it that way I guess...

My husband and I both agree that we just cannot do it this time. They might not like us for a while but that is better than struggling...again. I would rather take care of my family now than keep supporting two grown adults who should be able to take care of themselves! That came out a little more harsh than I intended but it is the truth.

I just read your answer here to GG......."They have 2 vehicles, one of which they can and should sell in my opinion since neither of them are working. They have a few computers and a nikon camera that they could be selling and if worse came to worse they could rent out their house and live in a smaller one because they really don't need a 4 bedroom house..." I didn't really want to pry but was going to ask you what their situation was and seeing this is the answer I was looking for, my only advice to you is quite simple and direct. "No," I would not give them the money under those circumstances and it was very, very wrong of them to even ask you. I'm really amazed at this and you are very correct in saying that they should sell a few things..for sure. I would just tell them the money is accounted for and you have nothing extra. When I lost my job a few years back I sold all my precious little treasured collectibles and jewelry to keep myself above water, and I cried my eyes out. I had to sell my car because I couldn't afford the insurance anymore. There is a lot more to this story but that's enough that I want to remember. You do what you have to do and I did that.

Yeah, there are things they can do and just don't want to. They do not need these things yet they choose to keep them and struggle... It makes me wonder sometimes why I feel so bad. I know there are things they could be doing to help themselves. They have a 2 story, 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house that they could be renting out and they can live in a smaller house for now...At least until they catch up in their life... This is why my siblings will not help them at all. My parents know we have always helped before so they think we will do it again. This time is different though. We have to think of ourselves for once. We don't know how long it will take my husband to find work and we might have to live on that money ourselves. We have always struggled and for once we want to better our lives...

Yes, it has put me in a very difficult spot and has caused me so many days of stress! It is disability, I think I put the wrong thing but the first time she applied for it they said she was not disabled enough to get it. I don't know... Every other time we have helped we gave it to them, it was a gift not to be paid back. This time they said they would pay it back to us but I don't really know that and I am worried that it will take my husband a while to find a job now so we might have to live off the money ourselves. We have 3 young children to worry about and take care of. My stomach has been in a knot for days now!! =( I cannot stand it... I wish they never asked to be honest.

THere is a saying in my country that charity begings at home. I don`t mean that we should have a hard heart for other people`s needs, but we have to make a compromise. Some people expect to live out of the work of others. I am not interested in helping those as I try to help hard working people who, for whatever reasons, can`t make ends meet at some time.

Yeah, we have been dumb in the past for helping so many people. But, at least we can sleep at night knowing we have done our best to be good and helpful people...

I know dealing with parents can be hard. And besides, our parents are supposed to be there to help us not take from us. My girl friend deals with that situation with her mother and her brother. They always look to her for money and favors. But you and your husband need that money, so keep it, use it for your children and I hope he finds a job real soon.

Geez, you do know how we feel then since your going through it too. It is my parents that are doing this and I just think it is so unfair to put us in this situation... It is making me feel terrible but we really need it for us. We need to take care of our children and we will probably have to live off the money as well until my husband can find another job... It is tough.

We have helped many times before but they are asking again and we feel bad having to say no this time. We have to worry about ourselves and our kids...

whoever they are,, you should take care yourself and your family 1st dear,,, tell them that your husband need medication that will cost money and you don'r have enough money to give to them. They should know that they can not depend on your help whole the time.

I absolutely agree with you...But some people don't have the same mind set I suppose as we do.

I agree with you. I would not ask for it either...

Your right, they see us getting money, not what we have been through and what we still have to face ahead... I don't think it was fair either! =( I doubt they would pay it back right away, only because they don't even know if she is definitely getting disability. If she didn't we would never get the $5,000 back...

I agree with you and I would never ask for it either, especially knowing all that they have been through and all they still have to face ahead of them! I think it is unfair and rude...

Thank you and I agree, no one should have asked us for that kind of money. We need it for our family to take care of our children...

Yeah it was unfair to me that they asked us for it. They know we will feel bad if we don't help but we just can't this time. We don't know how long my husband will be out of work because of his injury. Yeah, if they don't understand or they get mad oh well. There is nothing we can do this time. We have to help ourselves first...