How do I leave my family without damaging our relationship?
By Akaimiko
@Akaimiko (15)
United States
September 24, 2012 7:32pm CST
First of all, let me stress this: I love my family. As crazy as things have gotten in the past, I love my mom and my dad, my twin sister, and my two younger sisters. We're all adults. The youngest girl is 20 years old. We are also a Pakistani family living in America, so the cultural clashing is pretty evident at times. I am 26, and technically the oldest; at least my parents have stressed it that way my whole life despite the mere 12-minute difference between my twin and myself. As a result, I've been my mother's go-to when she wanted to vent about her in-laws, my father's go-to when he came home with stories about his belligerent tenants, and the mediator during their fights with each other...since I was 13. And I've been told that I must lead my sisters by example. My way of thinking has always been different, so while I did what I was told, I felt wrong about my position here. It didn't seem fair. By the time I was about 16 I was in so much despair with all the weight on my shoulders that I seriously contemplated suicide. If I didn't turn to God at that moment, I wouldn't be here. But the truth still remains today, now that I'm 26, that I'm not going to be able to last in this house. And I want to leave. I strongly feel that I need to leave, for my sanity. I feel so tightly wound here. I've expressed to them my need to be as far away as possible. While my whole family is uncomfortable with the distance I have to move to (from the East coast to the West coast), my parents have been more verbal about their concerns. "We won't be able to help you if you need it out there", "Why can't you find a job here?", "Why does it have to be California?", etc. are some of the questions they've thrown to figure out my intentions...How does one say to her own family, that up until now she has given so much of herself to and sacrificed more than they will ever acknowledge, that she's leaving for the sake of her own life? How does she get them to take her seriously? A little sensitivity to the cultural aspect will be nice, by the way, because I've gotten quite enough advice from people who didn't consider it.
3 responses
@larish (2213)
• Philippines
26 Sep 12
It is important that you are decided. Initially, your family will get hurt especially your parents but if you know that you are doing this for the right reason, then do it. Be prepare for the consequence of your decision. Because living on your own entails a lot of responsibility - you have to pay for your own place, budget utility bills, grocery,etc. Telling them of leaving is just the initial challenge on this situation, living each day after that is more challenging. Good Luck! It's either you tell them now or later but whatever decision you make, you still have to tell them.
@Tam1204 (59)
• United States
25 Sep 12
Your biggest issue is the way the family unit is considered. I assume that your family is very traditional. Middle Eastern culture is more focused on family than American culture. I have realized this recently because I have been renting from a middle eastern family for about a year now. From my observations that culture leans toward the family staying together forever, the younger generations taking care of the elders, and everyone working for the family. American cultures tend to me more open for the younger generations to go off and start their own lives that are separate from them.
I am assuming that you have been in the states the majority of your life. Correct me if I am wrong. You wanting to leave completely breaks with tradition and the older members of the family are not willing to accept that. They probably are genuinely worried about you being that far off also. I have children not much younger than you. I would be slightly concerned if they wanted to move that far away from me. I am on the East coast also. I would not try to stop them, but I would make sure that they were well prepared to be on their own that far away. I am sure that American culture has had a huge effect on you wanting to break from tradition also.
The best thing you can do is make your plan. Sit down with them. Explain what you have planned. Let them know that you are capable of taking care of yourself. If you dont already have a job, let them know what you plan to do. I guess what I am saying is prove to them that you are mature. Even though you are older, you are still their child.
