Ride out the silence or confront him?
By dance4life
@dance4life (252)
United States
October 5, 2012 1:24pm CST
Dear fellow mylotters,
I'm in need of some serious, life-changing relationship advice. My boyfriend of 4 years has been giving me the silent treatment for 2 days now. The initial trigger started in the kitchen. Now our apartment flooded a few days ago and it's starting to smell like mildew, also my eye has been twitching for 3 weeks so I'm easily irritated (which he knows). So back to 2 days ago....I said I would wash dishes, which I was, but I wasn't rushing. I would take a break and then go back (basically to let the dishes soak). Every time I took a break he kept asking me, 'am I done yet.' He had offered to do the dishes, but he did them the past few days so I figured it was my turn. He started complaining that he had nothing to do. After my next break he got upset and kicked me out of the kitchen. I was fine with that I sat down and started to work on some cross-stitching that I had started. Ten minutes later he asked me if I could marinate the fish, while he's doing dishes. Now this is where I start to lose it. Not only did I wash the bulk of the dishes, but when he was complaining that he had nothing to do...he could have marinated the fish for dinner. Obviously, I had an attitude while preparing the fish, because he kicked me out of the kitchen and then asked me to go back to the kitchen, when the space is really only for one person. Then he slams down a dish and says I'm done, I'm not eating. Pushes through me and goes to sleep in our spare room. I called him the day after and left a message letting him know how I feel and that I want to work it out. He hasn't talked to me since or eaten the food that I made that night either. Now normally when we fight I'm always the one to approach him and talk it out, but I feel like maybe he doesn't want to be with me, and just won't say it. I'd hate to find out that he doesn't want to be with me, but it's better than him dragging it out and refusing to talk to me. And then he has the nerve to call me dramatic and emotional when most of my stuff got ruined in the flood. Storming off to another room with your pillow and a blanket seems pretty dramatic to me. Sorry went off on a rant there. I know it's long, but I wanted to be clear about what happened. I would appreciate any advice or insight from either side of this story or your personal experience. I'm just at a loss. *(As a side note he's house-sitting for his mom for a week, so I won't be going with him and enjoying my only 3 day weekend off away from our moldy apartment or have an opportunity to speak with him)
5 responses
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
6 Oct 12
Sounds, to me, like there is more going on than a spat over dishes. I think you should think back over the last few weeks and see if you can pinpoint when these little spats started and why. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate the relationship.
1 person likes this
@dance4life (252)
• United States
7 Oct 12
You're definitely right about that. This isn't the first stupid argument we've had. I feel like it keeps happening because he won't talk about it and we never work it out. After a week he pretends like it never happened.
@dance4life (252)
• United States
7 Oct 12
Okay, I can accept not talking about stupid arguments. I'm only worried that we won't be able to talk about "important" arguments in the future. But I think you're right, I'll let this one go...pick your battles, right?
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
7 Oct 12
One of the keys to a good, solid relationship is communication. If you can't talk about stuff, it makes it very difficult to sort it out. On the other hand, sometimes stupid arguments are not worth talking about. Sometimes its best to just put it behind you and move on. Perhaps he feels talking about it gives it too much importance.
1 person likes this
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
6 Oct 12
I am sorry but I am actually lost while reading your post. I don't know if I get it right but my understand was, your problem started with washing the dishes??? I know that it can be irritating to wash the dishes but I don't think it is a good reason to ruin your relationship. My husband would never wash the dishes, I am the only one doing it but we never really fought about it. Yes, there were times that I really got irritated when I just finished washing them and then will see dirty cups and glasses on the table again. But that was before, I no longer care much of whom to wash the dishes or if there are so many dishes to wash. I got this inspirational quote from Mother Teresa which says that 'Wash the dishes not because it is dirty or you're told to do so, but because you love the person who will use it next.' In fact, I printed the same quote and put it in our kitchen. In some way, it really helped me. I no longer complain if I am the only one washing the dishes and have already accepted that this part of my role as a wife.
With regards to what happened to you and your boyfriend, I just can't give specific advice as I don't know what type of set up you guys have. Is it normal that the two of you wash the dishes or cooking alternately? Are you both working? As I am working 8 to 5 but still, I am the one in charge in doing the household chores but we never really had a problem about that. Honestly speaking, I find happiness while I am cooking for my husband or just washing his favorite mug.
1 person likes this
@dance4life (252)
• United States
7 Oct 12
That's a great quote and I think it's a really good idea to put that in the kitchen.
Yes it's normal that we cook and wash dishes alternately, but the kitchen is not very large so only one person can be in it at a time, comfortably. We are both working and it's not like I'm miserable doing the dishes or cooking for him. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate it. It's hard to be happy washing his favorite glass when that person can never seem to tell me how he feels about me.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
6 Oct 12
I don't think that you should ever stay in silence with a partner for any longer than necessary. The longer you are like this with him, the harder it is going to be when you eventually wish to speak to him again as this would mean that there was a lot of bad feelings between the two of you which had not previously been there. The best couples stay together because they are able to talk about what has happened between them. Nothing is ever going to be resolved if you don't even try to work it out, so you should make an effort to sort things out if there is any way that you can do so.
1 person likes this
@dance4life (252)
• United States
7 Oct 12
I can agree with this, it makes sense, but there's only one problem. I'm willing to talk about our problem, but he's avoiding me. I don't know how to approach him and talk with someone who refuses to talk about his feelings and such. I almost feel like I'm dealing with a child who is having a temper tantrum. Do you have any suggestions about how I should attempt to get him to talk? Thanks for your advice.
@natliegleb (5175)
• India
6 Oct 12
i agree with you,not always should you be in a position to fight or confront for sure.some places we need to be calm and try to have a good deal
@dance4life (252)
• United States
7 Oct 12
Thanks for the insight, I just hate feeling like I'm the only one trying to work it out and have a good relationship.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
5 Oct 12
I am sorry to say but for some reason I think you are lazy. I can be mistaken but it's rediculous to let the dishes soak and leave. It also sounds to me that you are not able to multi task. Also you fight about small things but the these small things are not really that small anymore. It sounds to me that this is already going on since years. I think you better ask yourself what you want for you. Sounds to me you don't care to sit around in the mess and you find it normal your friend is doing all the work. On the other hand your friend is annoyed to be in the mess, to the fact you are not able to start a job and also finish it in short time and you only seem to get active if he asks you or starts to get angry with you.
I can be mistaken but this is what I read/see.
So again: ask yourself how you want to live, what you want, how you see your future. This is not about love but about the practical way of living. It doesn't matter what you will say to him or not, I think only an other behaviour of you will prove that you are serious and grown up enough to do your share of the work. I would not like to be with you either if you would leave me with all the mess. I like a cleaned up house. It's no problem if the dishes are not done at once but everybody has to do his/her share and if you start with it do it quickly without breaks.
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
6 Oct 12
Letting dishes soak is not lazy. If you have to wash them by hand and don't have a dishwasher and have pots or pans to clean, you are supposed to let them soak in hot water to cut through some of the grease. Letting dishes soak is not lazy at all. That was rude. You commented on something of mine also with a rude statement about my husbands kids being none of my business. WHY are you so rude?
1 person likes this
@dance4life (252)
• United States
7 Oct 12
You are correct MsControversy, I don't have a dishwasher. WakeUpKitty just to be clear my boyfriend hardly cleans anything. I do all the laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuum, wash floors and all other cleaning in the apartment. The only cleaning he helps out in is the kitchen. Not to mention I have to soak the dishes because when he cooks he burns things on the pots and pans and expects them to come off like magic. So when I am tired and burned out, but it's my turn to do dishes you think I shouldn't be able to do it my way in my time?
