Could you go back?
By dorannmwin
@dorannmwin (36392)
United States
October 18, 2012 10:51pm CST
First of all, I have to make it clear that this situation is not reflective of my own situation, instead it is about the situation of a friend of mine.
Okay, you've been living with a guy for about a year, but you've found that he has a terrible temper. Things eventually come to a head and you end up getting in a physical fight with each other (one that lands you in the hospital with suspected broken bones and bruised organs). A few months pass and you are talking to him again, but you aren't sure that you really want to run the risk of having that kind of encounter again. Would you be able to go back to that relationship?
For me, I know that I've put up with a lot out of my husband. However, I don't know that I would be able to go back because I wouldn't want to inflict myself with that kind of pain in the future. Besides that I would always believe that it would be something that would happen again in the future. Yes, there has been a time that my husband did hit me, but it wasn't that violent and I know that it wasn't really him but the drugs that he was on at the time.
If you think that you could go back in this kind of a situation, how far would you be willing to let things go in the future before you get very, very far away from that person?
4 people like this
20 responses
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
19 Oct 12
I have set my mind to be more patient with the people around me. I really do not want to fight with anybody. It is just not me. But if my husband raises a hand on me, it would be the last chance he'll ever see me! I can tolerate people who hurt my feelings. I just have to think that I could never please everyone. But, being hit, I think that is a different story. I'd rather live alone than be with a monster.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
Yes, I think that it would be very difficult to live in that kind of fear during every minute of every day of our lives.
You see, what so many different women in abusive relationships don't realize is that there is help out there and there is a way out.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
31 Oct 12
I think that might be the case. I just don't understand what a person would have to go through in their lives to have such a low opinion of themselves.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
23 Oct 12
I guess these women who never sought help have such low esteem that they would just allow being treated badly.
@caopaopao (12395)
• China
19 Oct 12
Yeah, if a man who has a bad temper beat a woman once, then twice, I am sure he can do that again in the near future. If I were in this situation, I will leave him without hesitation. Why? There are so many good men, I will leave this kind of man when the first fight happened. I hope women are strong enough to make a quick decison.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
I am one of those people that tends to think in terms of once, shame on you; twice, shame on me. If it was to happen a second time, that would be it for me.
Now this was the first time that he actually hit her, but there were a couple of times that I know of that he would have hit there had there not been something in the way and he does have a terrible temper.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
21 Oct 12
I would not. I do not raise a hand to my husband and he doesn't to me. That is one thing that I don't think I could deal with. Most that do it once, will do it again. Yours is a little different situation.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
Even though my personal situation is different, I do have to admit that if it ever does happen again, it will be the last time. Not only will it be the last time that he puts a hand on me, it will also be the last time that he sees his children as well.
I can attribute for stress and frustration from being sick once, but it cannot become a pattern (and I don't think that it is).
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
28 Oct 12
Hi Dorannmwin
He send her in the hospital this time maybe next time she wont be that lucky . I mean if it was maybe a slap she could probably forgive and maybe move on but broken bones and bruised organ 
, what is she waiting on to leave him ?? a permanent beat down !
She dont have a family with him and they only been together for a year so what is holding her back ?
, what is she waiting on to leave him ?? a permanent beat down !
She dont have a family with him and they only been together for a year so what is holding her back ? @dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
31 Oct 12
I honestly think that the thing that is holding her back is her history. You see, she was sexually abused as a child and that has been something that has had an impact on her throughout her life. It seems to me that she feels that a man has to be abusive in some way to love her.
@much2say (55604)
• Los Angeles, California
22 Oct 12
Me - no way - I would not go back to this person. I saw the way my dad was to my mom - he wasn't physically abusive to her (thought that's a different story with me) and he was verbally abusive to all of us. Quite frankly I don't know how my mom could put up with my dad's temper and verbal abuse all these years. I vowed never to be with that kind of person for myself - ever. And of all the stories I've heard, a physically abusive person will most likely strike again - and again and again . . . and I refuse to get into that vicious cycle. Landing me in the hospital would be a big gigantic red flat to NOT continue on a relationship with this person.
I am fortunate to find a man who would never do that to me.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
You indeed are a very lucky woman to have found a wonderful man to have in your life that would never do that kind of a thing to you.
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
27 Oct 12
hi dear dorannwin, any physical abuse and any adultery would make me get out that very day I experienced it or found out about it with NO turning back whatsoever. No saying sorry and no pleading could get me back to someone who does this to me.
Even more so if there are broken bones and bruised organs involved. That would be the end. Eventhough as a married Catholic divorce is taboo for me I would still walk out of the door in a moment if i get physically harmed or betrayed.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
31 Oct 12
I'm a married Catholic as well and I wouldn't want to be a divorcee, but if what happened between Tom and myself a few months ago was something that would happen again, I would be that taboo person. The reason would be because I would rather be seen to be living in sin than to be a person who wasn't able to live because my faith kept me from making a decision that would keep me alive.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
19 Oct 12
Personally, too many times people tend to think that a person has changed and will go back to a situation like this to continue to get beat up, and some keep on going back until they are killed. Honestly, I could not and would not do it, and would press charges if I ended up with broken bones from anyone. Life is too precious to go back to someone who abuses. There are better men out there in the world, so personally she needs to quit talking to him and steer herself away, and find someone better for her.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
That is what I and my husband have been telling her to do. We've both told her that there is someone out there that is going to treat her like a princess and she won't be able to find that person if she keeps talking to him.
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
19 Oct 12
No way would I ever go back with someone who is abusive. Relationships are supposed to be based on mutual trust and respect. I would never trust someone who has been abusive to me. And, you shouldn't.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
Well, this isn't me that we are talking about and I do think that she realizes that she doesn't need to be there. However, I think that only time will tell.
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
19 Oct 12
Dora, difficult one and I feel, it depends on the individual at the end of the day. Love is a strange thing. It makes to do things that you could have never imagined otherwise. If you ask me, if I still love that person and if it's mutual and if the guy is sorry for his misdeeds- I might end up with the same guy, irrespective of the physical hurts.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
As an outsider looking in, I tend to see their relationship as a love-hate relationship. They seem to love each other thirteen out of every fourteen days. However, on the fourteenth day, you don't want to be anywhere around.
The fight that I'm talking about was the first physical fight that they'd ever had, but there have been plenty of verbal fights and lots of verbal abuse in the past.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Oct 12
That sounds like a situation where you would need to stay away for your own safety.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
That's what I feel like as well. You know, she is a single woman, but she isn't alone because she does have three children and she really needs to look out for their well-being as well.
@mikyung (2232)
• Philippines
19 Oct 12
I would say, I would not go back to him, to suffer those pain. I'm really sadden to see people suffering from this kind of treatment. I hope your friend can find ways on how to avoid this kind of treatment. I can see where she is coming from and what keeps her holding up. I hope everything will be fixed and be put to justice. Thanks
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
I don't know that the justice that should be had in this situation is going to happen, but I do think that she will move on to bigger and better things in her life.
@riyauro (6421)
• India
19 Oct 12
Oh I don't think so I can put up with this kind if relationship. If he begs me I will try to be with him but if it happens again, i am gone for good and it could be so far even if i have to go to another country but i wanna live my life away from such people whose shadow even can not reach me. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day ahead. 
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
Well, my husband has hit me once, but I realize that he was under a lot of stress and that is the reason that he is getting a second chance. However, in this situation, he could have killed her and they don't have the same kind of relationship that my husband and I have.
@aliahnicole69 (231)
• Philippines
19 Oct 12
I believe in the saying that a woman must respect and loved...Can we imagine how our parents dearly love and protect us since we were born and they want no one to harm us and no one has the right to do it so...if that happens once,for whatever reason still unacceptable and unforgivable unless we tolerate it and for sure it will happen again,but one the other side if true love in in the air, nothing is impossible just hope and pray for the best not for the worst by means of forgetting the past and focus on the present and future.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
I honestly believe that part of the reason that she has dealt with this to the point that she has is because she wasn't as lucky as you and I were as children. She really didn't have good parents and that is something that she's been working on overcoming throughout her life.
@melissa82 (3)
• United States
19 Oct 12
If I put myself in that situation i will never go back again into that relationship. We can't tell what he is capable of. Maybe he become worst, nobody knows. Best thing to do is ver rid of that relationship.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
When it first happens, I don't think that we willingly put ourselves in that situation. However, I do feel that if it is something that is allowed to happen over and over again then it is willingly being in that situation.
@lynboobsy11 (11343)
• Philippines
19 Oct 12
I've been in that situation before and it is really hard to get out.
I know the first time he hit me he will do it over and over again but
that time I don't have the choice to get out. With my financial situation
I don't have the guts to get out of him. I have to sacrifice just for
the nice future of my children. I just thought the right time will come
for me to get out. And after 15 years of sacrifice, I'm already 4 years separated now with him. Sometimes we can't control the situation maybe your friend has her
own reason to go back. But if not I don't like to be in that situation again.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
You know, in some situations I would see that a person doesn't have anywhere else to go for whatever reason. However, I know that she does because she knows that my door is always open for her. In fact, if it would get to where she wasn't safe with us, my mother has also said that her door is always open for her as well. You see, we've been friends for years and my mother loves her as well.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
19 Oct 12
i did 42 yrs ago. i went back to one that had beat me that bad. i should have known no matter how nice he was being, no matter how much he promised and begged, he would do it again,
they do when they are that messed up and dont get help. he did beat me again 4 yrs later and we had a daughter together by that time. i left and never went back. then, 12yrs later i found out he had also abused my son!
its a good thing i had left when i did. hes the last person on earth id have suspected of that and if i had caught him or known then, id have killed him in his sleep! id likely still be in prison. my son was only 9yrs at the time. so she better think about NOT going back because anyone that talented at NOT showing their bad side, its hard telling what else you cant see about them. 
i hope she will never go back. i almost did but another guy came along and begged me out of it.
they do when they are that messed up and dont get help. he did beat me again 4 yrs later and we had a daughter together by that time. i left and never went back. then, 12yrs later i found out he had also abused my son! its a good thing i had left when i did. hes the last person on earth id have suspected of that and if i had caught him or known then, id have killed him in his sleep! id likely still be in prison. my son was only 9yrs at the time. so she better think about NOT going back because anyone that talented at NOT showing their bad side, its hard telling what else you cant see about them. i hope she will never go back. i almost did but another guy came along and begged me out of it. @dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
Oh my goodness, that just makes it worse to find out that he had abused your son as well. Definitely, if I was to find out that something like that had happened to one of my children, I would kill a man too and I would be sitting right beside you on the bunk in prison.
@airasheila (5454)
• Philippines
19 Oct 12
a pleasant day to you dorannmwin,
with reference to your post, perhaps if i will be trapped in that situation, i would rather not to go back again. though inside of me, a love still exist but, i will think the long term effect. maybe the return days is fine but if the relationship will not go healthy then there is no point of continuing it. sometimes, you can easily express the love if you are far from the people whom you love. aside from that, in this way, you can avoid having a physical pain and incurring heartaches.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
It is my feeling that love is not supposed to hurt. There are times that we will feel some sort of mental pain in all relationships, but to feel this kind of physical pain is unacceptable in my opinion.
@surekharathi (14146)
• India
19 Oct 12
I agree with first responder caopaopao your friend should take quick strong decision and lots of good man is in the world then why she are living such cruel man.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
I don't know at all why she deals with this. I suppose that a part of it is due to the fact that she was abused as a child by her father. However, even that doesn't make it acceptable.
@STOUTjodee (3573)
• United States
19 Oct 12
Even if this person went back, what kind of life would she be living? If I was in that situation, I would never go back! What kind of life would that be knowing that your spouse/mate beat you so bad that you ended up in the hospital, would he do it again or even worse? I've had some friends that their mate beat them and they still stuck around. Their life was miserable because they were living in a "glass" house. They usually never said anything, in fear that their mate would go off. They only did what their mate wanted them to do and hoped they did it right. Some call that "love", but living in fear of some one is NOT love.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
No, it is not love to have to live in fear during every minute of every day. When someone has a pattern like this man has, even though this was the first time that he had hit her, it was not the first time that a threat like that was implied. He has hit before (it wasn't her), so there is also definitely a pattern of abuse.
@sharecuzicare (50)
• United States
19 Oct 12
I had a 10 year marriage that was abusive. I would get hit if I looked at him wrong. It took me 10 years to get away from him, but I did. i would never go back to that type of relationship again! It is not worth it! I was always raised that a man respects a woman and does not raise a hand to her. My eyes were really opened! It was a very terrifying time for me and the fear is what kept me with him. Eventually he left town after we broke up and I was never so glad to see the back of anyone as I was him! I always vowed that I would never go back to that type of relationship again and I never have. I have dated very little since my ex because I was totally thrown off men for a long time.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Oct 12
I'm glad to hear that you were eventually able to get out of the abusive relationship that you were in. I don't think that any woman should have to endure that kind of pain in their lives, however, I think the reason that so many of us do is because of the fact that we are just plain scared.
