Conflicted between memories and reality
By sjvenden27
@sjvenden27 (1840)
United States
October 26, 2012 10:55pm CST
Hi Mylotters;
Fair warning this discussion may be jumbled up, not making a lot of sense right off the bat.. My mind is just full.. I am extremely angry, upset, hurt and confused.. Some of you know that my hubby died 7 months ago; in 12 hours to be exact.. thats a weird coincidence...
I love him with all my heart, holding his memory close.. There are some days they help me to push forward work harder do what ever I need to do to get through the day..
I have been slowly trying to resolve, close some unfinsh business.. I am just finding more problems and other things that need to be attended to.. Hearing different things then what he told me.. I have no way of finding out what is true and what isnt at this point.. I want to believe my hubby.. I do not want to think that my whole relationship was bulit on a lie.. But there is a good possiblity... I do not want to live my life in a bubble but I want to keep his memory positive..
My oldest son is starting to open up and talk to me about his dad.. All the things that he misses, wishing his dad was here.. I told him that he is with God now up in heaven..
My yonger son will have lots and lots of questions when he gets older.. I pray by then I am a stronger person.. I would not be able to face some of that right now..
I promised myself after he died that I would keep his memory alive for the boys.. It seems to calm them; not haunt them.. How to do I deal with this negative crap, and still stay smiling when all I want to do is cry.. To hide..
Leaving these things undone; and many of them were over do for many many years.. And in the end leaving me with lots of questions that I can not just pick up the phone and ask someone to get it resolved.. There is one that I trust.. I talk to her.. But shes got her own stuff going on and I dont want to burden her.. I dont know who to trust who to believe.. Was my reality just a fanstasy? Was I just in a bubble that I created over these years?? I wish I knew.. I hate all of these unresolved questions.. And if I open up too much I might open yet another can of worms..
So fellow mylotters; if you lost or if you were in my situation.. The man/woman you trusted your rock has passed; and you hear lots of things that are different then what your other half told you.. Who and how would you go about figuring this mess out?? I feel lost, and I do not like it.. Please help; any suggestions comments are welcome...Thank you in advance
2 people like this
4 responses
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
I do feel that your chest is about to explode coz you do not have someone to talk to. I think it would help if you seek a therapist. Now, don't go thinking that I might be saying that you are losing your mind. I just think that a therapist can provide you more soothing ways to get over with the things that you need to resolve.
I hope you'll try to speak to someone as soon as possible. It is not healthy to be carrying the burden alone.
2 people like this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
28 Oct 12
Yes I agree with you I do need professional help... I havent done this yet.. I will do this soon; I have a couple issues that need to resolve before I start.. I moved, never went back to stay, where we lived together.. Its been a slow process but I am getting things setup for the boys and I in my new area.. For now I have been using mylot as a way to release a little pressure.. Not starting discussions but finding other people that need help and if I can help them.. It helps me two ways; one I do not feel alone, and if I really need to just get something out I can do it here.. I have great friends here that can either give me advice or just support me which is extremely helpful and very much appericated
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
28 Oct 12
Well, I am happy to know that somehow Mylot keeps you "company". I do hope you feel better soon. 
1 person likes this
@grandpa_lash (5225)
• Australia
27 Oct 12
I don't think I can actually offer any clarity to you, I think that needs to be done by someone who knows you and knew your late husband, and so might have some idea of the issues you are dealing with, but I've come in on the discussion if only to represent support for you in your pain.
Lash
2 people like this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
28 Oct 12
Thank you Lash for your support. It really means a lot to me.. Thank you
@savypat (20216)
• United States
27 Oct 12
I know what you mean, the more I find out about my parents the less I see the people I knew and loved. But for me this has been many years so I can look back and value the parents I knew and accept that each person has many different sides
to their lives. Just believe that your husband did the best he could with his life and try not to judge him. You cannot change the past anymore then you can know all about another person. When dealing with your children just tell them that he was a man who lived the best way he could and in doing so you enjoyed a happy marriage and loved him very much. Down play the truths you are learning now but don't hide them, your children need to know that none of us are perfect. Blessings
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
4 Nov 12
You will not like what I have to say.. and I won't say most of it here other than a few things.
First, he was not your husband. You two lived together as a couple yes, but you were not married. If you were, you would not have the troubles with some of the things your having now. That was HIS choice, I know this for a fact.
You were also in the process of leaving the relationship. During that process he passed away. Reality of truth has to be realized. Stop feeling the guilt. It is what it is. It was his time. I believe that. Nothing to do with what was going on. He did not take care of himself the way he should of. We both know this. Truth is truth.
Second, he tried playing you and I against each other. Didn't work. You know why..which like I said I will not bring the personal on here. I just know that truth is the hardest to face.
I agree you need and have needed to get professional help. You were getting that when you lived near me, because it was pushed. It was helping you, then you moved because you wanted to believe in this person even though.....
Anyway....
Life has away of always bringing us Truth.
We don't always want to allow it in. Allow it in so the conflict stops.
There is life out there, live it with your boys, that is much more important...
1 person likes this
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
5 Nov 12
I was just bringing out the facts here.. Believe me I know the love.. He also called me his wife when we were together.. so yes I know how that is, too.
You told me on the phone at that time, you had enough and that is what your plans were, to stay where you were. You were tired of the lies and deceit, not only from him but others in your life at that time as well.
Time to let it go for there is only one question... I believe after reading this comment I know the answer... and for me the subject is done... I do not need an answer, for it is not me that needs it.
Do you want Reality or Fantasy? What is best for You and the Boys?
just thoughtful questions, no need to answer here...
(I told ya you wouldn't like it...)
Love ya!!!
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
5 Nov 12
A quick note....
Reality will slap ya when you least expect it...
[i]Easy route,
hard route, [/i]
That is the choice...
