Bending over backward
By dorannmwin
@dorannmwin (36392)
United States
November 13, 2012 11:20pm CST
Tomorrow I am going to be babysitting my oldest niece, Lilliana while her parents are at work. You see, she got sick at school today and for that reason she can't go back to school until Thursday. I believe that she has the same virus that went through our house last week.
My brother didn't bother to call and ask me about this until after seven this evening. In other words, even though his daughter was sick early in the afternoon, he waited until I had plans for tomorrow while my kids are at school before he called me.
I tried to get out of it telling him that my friend and I were going out looking for a job tomorrow (we really are, the lead that we had today would have worked for me but didn't work out for her and we have to get a job together for transportation reasons). However, he wouldn't hear of it, he claims that neither he nor his wife can take off of work when one of their three children is sick. (But his wife can take off of work at least once every two weeks because she is "sick")
It seems to me that in our family I am always the one that is bending over backward for everyone. I am expected to babysit free of charge when their children are sick, I can't ever get my mother to babysit my kids so my husband and I can go out together because my brother and his family live with her. And I couldn't even have a bedroom for my children when I lived with my mother because they (my brother and his family) needed more room.
Have you ever felt like that person in your family that is always bending over backward for everyone else? Have you ever been able to finally stand up for yourself and tell them that what they want just isn't possible for you? Do you think that maybe I'm just far too kind and giving?
2 people like this
16 responses
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
14 Nov 12
I am actually going through something like that right now.....with my son. He got a divorce and so since then I have been trying to help in any way possible....he hardly does anything in return....doesn't even think of it. I might be coming to the point though where I won't help him out as much. I drive 40 miles three times during his week to pick up my granddaughter from school. With winter coming it will give me a good way out of the situation. I had told him that it would be nice to get some gas money sometimes but doesn't look like that is going to happen either.....time to shut off the good will right?
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
As sad as it might sound, I do think that you are right that it is time to shut off the good will for your son. I know that you want to help out your grandson, but your son could be doing something to help you because he should know that childcare doesn't come free.
It isn't as if you are asking him to pay you for your care of your grandson, but we all know that gas is definitely not cheap right now.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
16 Nov 12
I agree with you riyauro. Even if he did give her some money for gas, it isn't as if jillhill wouldn't be out something for picking up her grandson because there is still a lot of time that she would be spending driving.
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
14 Nov 12
i often feel that way but because my hubby doesn't want to upset his siblings, i cannot say anything.
like for CHristmas. his family decided that we would pick name but you only have a few choices on what to give them (you supposedly get a list) and you are supposed to spend $50 on this gift. first of all, we don't have that much money to blow on Christmas and secondly, i think his family is very materialistic and have forgotten the real meaning of CHristmas. it ticks me off and stresses me out at the same time!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Oh, that exchange thing would be something that would drive me nuts. We have a relatively small family and I do get a little something for each person in our family, but the amount that I spend on them is significantly less than $50. The only people that I spend that much money on is my children (and my husband when I can afford it).
@habibti320 (925)
• United States
14 Nov 12
Hmm...maybe you and your husband can pick each other's names and make your own "exchange" :)
@allknowing (136541)
• India
14 Nov 12
That makes two of us. I always like doing things for people and they think they are doing me a favour by letting me help them!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Yeah, what kind of a favor were they doing for me by disrupting all of my plans for the day. It would have been one thing if I would have gotten something out of it, but I couldn't even get my brother to agree to watch my kids one evening so my husband and I could go out for dinner.
@allknowing (136541)
• India
16 Nov 12
They always felt that I was looking for importance and being thee for everyone!
@riyauro (6421)
• India
15 Nov 12
in simple words, when you are too good than people start taking advantage of you. Do not let anyone take advantage of you. They are not paying for the food you eat ya? they have a separate life and you have separate ya? then why do you let them do this to you. You have to stand for yourself. You have to learn to say NO to people. Be strong and do not think about their feelings because they do not car about your feelings. So just be strong and say NO you can't.. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day ahead.. 
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
16 Nov 12
I do believe that it is time that I start to stand up for myself. I think that my family views me as being a yes-man in the family because I've never been able to say no to them. But I'm getting older and I am finding that I do have a life of my own and that does mean that I'm not always responsible for their issues.
@missjahn (4574)
• Philippines
15 Nov 12
that is a sign of good virtue you have within yourself. it is in the bible that in luke: 14 - I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” this kind of attitude cannot be found to every of the people. i cannot even consider myself as being a humble creature but doing the best not to to be greedy or the kind of taking thing for granted. i hope so...
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I don't know if I would personally consider myself to be a humble person. However, my friends and family members will tell you that is one of my best qualities. I will give the shirt off of my back if there is someone that needs it more than I do. I can't help it, that is just the way that I've always been.
@writethem (96)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I use to not saying anything to not create waves, but telling the truth is so liberating.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I do think that it is definitely time that I tell them the truth and stand up for myself. The thing is, I don't want to hurt my relationship with my family. I can't help it, that is just the way that I am.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
14 Nov 12
I do get a lot of it. They think because you are home, you should be able to do things last minute. It is like you don't have a life, because you are home all day. You have to learn how to say no sometimes. I do have someone that expects me to be here no matter when she wants to drop off her child. I don't even know they are coming some of the time.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Oh, had they not let me know ahead of time, I wouldn't have been home.
I think that sometimes people don't realize that just because I don't work outside the house doesn't mean that I don't have a job. If I don't have errands and such that I need to run, I am working on the computer the entire time that my kids are at school because working while they are at home is very difficult.
@ctryhnny (3460)
• United States
14 Nov 12
Being the oldest of 3 and having 3 kids and 4 grandkids I am ALWAYS bending over backwards to help them in one way or another! I think most of us are too kind and giving. I've given my kids money when I didn't have enough for myself to live on. People told me it was stupid but I want to help my kids in any way I can....I just have to deal with the repurcussions!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I would say that I didn't know that my mother was a member of this site, but I know you aren't my mom because she is youngest of three with three children and five grandchildren.
My mother is very much the same way that you are with helping her children out. However, for us, it all seems to work out because there have also been times that we've helped my mother out.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Well, Lilliana was thrilled about the fact that I let her play on the computer while she was here because their desktop computer is broken and they won't let her touch the laptop so the last time that she was allowed to play on the computer was the last time that she was at my house.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
14 Nov 12
If it were me, I would have said "no" and hung up without any further discussion. Given the situation, that would have been a justified reaction.
Sorry, but your brother and his wife can make other childcare arrangements. Either one of them can stay at home with their ill offspring, or they can pay someone to do so.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Oh, I would have had no problem at all with it if they would have offered to pay me for my time. However, they don't even think that is necessary. They don't seem to understand that just because I'm at home doesn't mean that I'm not working because when I don't have errands to run, I am working on the computer to make a little bit of money for my family.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
Well, I think that they see you as always "available" when needed and that they think is you will always be alright no matter what. It's hard to go against our family, but maybe you should also say "NO" sometimes. Besides, you do not have the obligation to take care of your niece all the time. You also have your own life and family that needs to be prioritize above anything else.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I do think that they view me as always being available because of the fact that I was the girl's primary babysitter when they were younger and honestly I would love to still be that today. However, they decided two years ago that daycare was better for their girls and transferred them from my care with little warning.
When I was their primary care provider, I didn't have any problem with having them with me. However, now I have developed some semblance of a life of my own.
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
14 Nov 12
If you feel that way, then I guess they're getting abusive of you, and not being grateful and thoughtful of your situation. My sister was my errand runner most of the time, especially when I was pregnant. If I needed something bought in the mall, I could just send her a message or call her and she'd be off to get it for me. I could leave my kids with her. But, of course, when she needed something from me, I would also be ready to help. It's a give and take. That should be a healthy relationship.
You know, if it was a minor thing, you could always say No. But, I think for that case, your niece needed you. They have to acknowledge the fact that you also have a life of your own.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
That is the only reason that I agreed is because of the fact that Lilliana needed me. However, I would love to know that they would return the favor for me sometime when I had something that I needed to do. And, I know that will not be the case at all.
@subhojit10 (7375)
• India
14 Nov 12
Thanks a ton for your response. Well that is so sweet of u to take care of your oldest niece and i hope she will recover on time. It is quite obvious to see small kids getting sick from time to time and it is the responsibility of the elders to take care of them. I think in the absence of her parents, u can do the best job of taking care of her so that she will feel better with time. I think people should learn something from u the way u are doing your responsibilities.
What say?
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Honestly, I do believe that I am the best equipped person to take care of my nieces if their parents aren't around as I practically raised her and her sister for the first several years of their lives. However, I don't like being inconvenienced by them not asking me as soon as they needed a sitter and instead waiting until the last minute (after I had made plans for the day) before asking for my assistance.
@habibti320 (925)
• United States
14 Nov 12
Even if you enjoy it, I feel that you should say "no" sometimes. Otherwise, people won't consider your situation as much.
If they know that you are busy, as they have had an issue with your schedule before, they might try a little harder to accommodate you. If you say you are busy, and then cancel your plans for them, they will not think that your plans were ever important.
It might be difficult at first, since you obviously love your family very much, but it will be healthier for all of you to have a more egalitarian relationship.
And when you need help, don't forget to ask for it!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
That is the thing that is really sad about all of this. Last year when my husband was going through chemotherapy and I needed someone to watch my kids so I could go with him to the hospital, my brother would never volunteer to keep the kids (even when he was off of work on shut down week). I ended up having to pay a babysitter for every session of Tom's treatment.
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
21 Apr 13
Dear Dorann I think you are much too kind and giving from what I read here. I have bent over backwards to help care for my mother when she broke her leg in her old age and then developed something similar to dementia. I have let my husband sit here at home alone over the week and even relocated for the week to my hometown where my mother lived and I still worked. I had extra expenses of course for a small motel room then which ate up what normally I could have been saving for a rainy day in a month and what was the thank you from the extended family? Mocking me, belittling me as usual, either what I did was not worth mentioning or wrong or what ever else.
I never was able to really speak up for myself as long as my mother was still alive and these were horrible months, almost 1,5 years I lived like this.
My hour came when my mother had passed away. Then my own life started and I almost burned the bridges to my family of origin. Only exceptions were and are letters or cards for birthdays or Christmas which wont hurt me.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
14 Nov 12
I don't know about being to kind and giving...I would like to
think of myself as being kind and giving...but I also don;t
mind stick up/taking for myself...I just don;t know why you
allow family or anyone else to use me an you may not call it
that but its the way I call it...Your brother act like you
don't have a life and what life you do have is just now as
important as his and his wifes...NOT KOOL...
Until you speak up for yourself, it going to continue to
happen...just be honest with yourself and let people know
how you feel about certain issues...they will probably be
taken back because you are not use to speaking up for yourself
but it should certainly make you feel better...
GO FOR IT!!!!!!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I don't think that it is cool of them at all to think that my life isn't as important as their lives. I realize that I do stay at home while my children are at school, but then again I do still like to have my freedom as I was tied down to my house for nine years before my children both started school.
