Why Do People Do This?

Hi Loving. Im glad you feel you can help. How long would you be willing to support someone? maybe you will never be sorry for helping. I think everyone who does this should have a clear mind as to what they are getting themselves into. I really think people do want to help, but they don't expect to fully support them if they are able to work but won't get up off the couch and try. When the water bill escalates $100 over normal and you don't have the money to pay it, it might make a person rethink their decision to open the door to them. I offered a friend a home with me and a now ex husband. They were getting it on while I was asleep. That was the end of a marriage and a friendship.

I partly agree with you and partly do not. Now I am not talking about the yelling but I am talking about how hospitatlity one can be. Personally I would only take other people in my house under certain conditions. First of all my house rules will count and should be respected. Also they have to clean up their own mess and help out with the housekeeping. I also do not accept lazy people hanging around (in bed for hours or on the couch watching tv whole day) while I am working like a ... and serve them by cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry etc. If someone is offering you a home, to help you out this is something you should be happy with. Also it is your responsibility to get back on your own feet and work for that! So you go look for a job, you pay of your debts, you make plans for your future and you do not parasite on people with a good heart. If you let someone without a house/food do nothing whole day on and serve them you only teach them that they can get everything for free if they do nothing anymore. There is no reason to yell about that but before you do a good deed you better think it over twice. And if you set rules and discuss that with the ones you want to help. So both know how to act, how to respect eachother. This way you won't be disappointed or get the feeling sooner or later you are abused, you are the one who has to pay for everything and the friendship just comes from one side!

Some people are not happy unless they are complaining, and they would complain if they won a million dollars. It is just how they function. I personally would be very self conscious about complaining about a guest in my home and I would not do it. I also tend to not want to air all my complaints and dirty laundry on the internet. I hope your cousin and son appreciate what you are doing for them.

Hi Lovin, Well I have let people stay with me in order to help them out and it's fine if I'm actually helping them get on their feet and they do appreciate the help as your cousin seems to. I also realize my costs go up some as a result. What I find happens all too often is that the person takes advantage and will not only cost me money but does nothing at all to contribute to the household. They could do something to help such as help with dishe and cleaning. At the very least, they could pick up after themselves and not be wasteful and not add to my costs and workload. Nothing would burn my butt more than to get home from work and find that he person I've let stay here has done nothing but hang out on the computer or couch and eaten a ton of food,made a pile of dishes, etc etc. If this sort of stuff goes on for too long most people would start complainin. I hae had it hapen more times than not and more than I care to remember.

That is so nice of you to do LMB! I agree with you 100%. If you ask someone to come to live with you because they have hard times, you shouldn't complain at all. I don't believe in doing something because you'll get "brownie points" from everyone. It's something that comes from the heart. I guess I would get aggravated if the person showed no signs of wanting a job, or sleeping in late without any ambition, but your cousin is not this person. I think what you're doing is wonderful and I'm glad to hear your cousin is up and looking for work also, and has a job lined up. Don't ask me why people are so nasty...I have no idea.

Yell? Get mad? All sounds pretty negative. Maybe some people want something to b*tch about so they have people stay with them so they have someone to be upset with. I think we ask people to stay to help them for a certain amount of time. But then when that time is gone by and they still are staying on it is time to speak to them and have them get work or take on some responsibilities.

If someone is living with you and then they act badly, then either kick them out or ask them to pitch in. I wouldn't bother complaining, I'd do something about it! Now I don't mind if people complain about it a little because everyone needs to vent. But if things are that bad then take care of it I'd say. What REALLY gets me is when people are allowed to stay with someone rent free and then complain about the person who is being nice enough to let them stay.

We have to be sincere if we let others in our house. We need not be hypocritical and create an issue from what supposedly a sincere acts of charity. But guests who overstayed their goodbyes is not going to please their hosts which give them reasons to complain. Everything has a limit and guests should not take advantage of the host leniency. As a free loader we should be considerate and not behave like a hotel guest.

Sometimes people say things in the moment without thinking of what it entails....your cousin is lucky you aren't pressing her for any payment for the ulitities etc. If I had someone stay with me it would be understood that it was temporary and with a time limit of when they would have to start paying for things. I would in your case however encourage her to get a job if she can....no matter how meager. It would be very good for her self esteem.

Sometimes it is very difficult to live with other people even if you want to help. There are different ways of doing things and that pisses off many people. I guess the best way to manage such a situation is to establish from the beginning certain rules of the house. I had some problems years ago when my own daughter came to live for some time with us after she got married. I could not accept that they used a dish or glass and left it dirty on the sink. I did not mind the extra expense, but I did mind the extra work. I told them so. I wanted to help, but I wanted them to realise that there were some unsaid ways of living here.

I guess, people would really like to extend help. But on certain circumstances, their budget would be over than the usual. It is okay if they are well off, but if they could just barely make both ends meet, I think that is when they ask for their "visitor" to try help for covering the expenses in the house.

Hi friend! Such an act of kindness deserve to be well appreciated. Not all people will do what you have done. Others may always choose their own convenience over other matters. Well, I agree that when you help there should be no qualifications or additional conditions. We all have our own way of doing things, of returning a favor. We should not impose things as it may be an additional burden to some who are already in the middle of some problem. Have a nice day!

Sounds like my house, my parents complain about everything, and its getting real annoying yet they want us to save for a house, and move out (really). Yesterday well the day before I was preping for a colonoscopy (so obviously I will be taking up 1 of the 2 bathrooms for a long time), they whined and complained how much I am in the bathroom and its just ridiculous. If I asked someone to live with me I would make sure it was upfront and clear. But I probably wouldnt ask someone to come in, for the fact they abuse it. But if I move in with someone even for a short period, I will help out, or even offer to pay something.

Helping again? It's what you're good at! I see you've gotten quite varied viewpoints on this one. I agree with several. And, like GG said, some people just want to complain about everything. It's as if they offer their help specifically for the purpose of complaining later. Years ago I let a friend and her 8Yr old son stay with me. I had a nice townhouse apartment with an extra bedroom. I know it's hard staying at somebody else's place so on the weekends I stayed at my bf's place so she could have a little space and watch whatever on TV without feeling like she was in the way or putting me out. She worked where I did but needed a place just for a month or two til she found a place of her own. I would never have complained about anything she did. She was my friend and in a tough spot. She did two things the opposite of me. One was she liked the temperature to be anything over 90 degrees! I like anything below 60. It was winter. But I could always go to my room and open the window and close the door. I wouldn't think of letting her freeze. Or complain about her turning the heat way up. She knew I hated the heat and I knew she froze at 75 degrees. She was my friend. I gave her a place to stay and kept her warm as well. You're a good friend to people. And I know you've helped a lot. Your cousin is lucky to have you and I'm sure it's nice for you to have her there. It's great she managed to get a job. She's lucky. In more ways than one.

I am wondering if the frustration comes from the person if they feel obligated to help them. Like they really didnt have a choice to say no without the worry that the person might be left outside without any place to go. And then with the person there, they may carry the burden of worry on how long they might be there and how long they will be obligated to take care of them.

Simple , " asking them to stay" is just a gesture. They haven't Really expected to really support the person. You and your husband are really good people. You are helping out of the goodness of your hearts.

I think people get an idea in their head of what it's going to be like.. then it doesn't end up that way. It's kind of a shock to them when their bills go up unexpectedly because they didn't plan on that happening with one other person in the house. People don't realize we're all different. What I consume is different from what you consume. How I like to pass my time is different from you. You may prefer to read books and not waste much electricity where as I want to have a radio on for background noise while I play video games.. wasting a lot of electricity. Just an example, I don't actually do that.. but some people do. But if you don't take these things into consideration when you open your home to someone, you may end up shocked when they do these things. You might think they're being insensitive when really they are just being themselves.

Hi Loving, You are so right. People should not offer up their home and then turn around and complain. If someone is going to spend all their time complaining, why do they offer their home in the first place? That just makes no sense to me.

I would never ever let a person live with us for a longer period without putting anything in. But I would tell them in advance that if they want to live with us, they have to conform to some rules. It's not like we're working for keeping x plus people... especially in this economical situation in my country. Even if two people are working really hard at their workplaces,l sometimes they cannot even live a steady life, let alone more people, with some not even working. But that's cruel if someone lets another person stay without any rules, and then complains... that's really rude.

Thanks a ton for sharing this discussion. Well yes u are very much correct, i think there is no issue in helping others to stay at your place but then if they do not cooperate you in any way or do not contribute to your house from their own side then people would definitely get a scope to complain about them. i know its very hard to complain at that moment but if they are not realized about the same then they will continue to exploit this freedom. What say?