Needy Relationships

United States
November 24, 2012 7:58pm CST
Now, we all need relationships in order to be emotionally healthy and well. We all want to love and be loved. But there is another side as well. When a friend or lover needs you and makes you feel stressed by their constant need of attention and validation. In this case, even if we love this person, we might start to feel resentful of them and want to spend less time with them. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was needy? Have you ever had a time when you were dependent on a relationship? Does it mean the end of the relationship? How can a person get out of such a relationship?
2 people like this
10 responses
@gilenie (190)
25 Nov 12
I had once a good friend way back in collage she is much older than me, every time we had some practical exams she wants me to teach her the procedures at 1st it was ok since i told myself it would be fun and also for me to easily memorize the lessons.But as days passed by i notice she cant study alone she always want me to teach her, and often times instead of me having more time to study for other subjects shes getting more time on me to teach her. Thats why i decided to leave her.
• United States
26 Nov 12
Sounds like she needed to hire a tutor! It's okay to do things like that for friends sometimes, but I expect them to either start compensating me or return the favor with a service that I need. In small amounts, it's okay. If it's a regular thing, it's abusing the relationship.
@gilenie (190)
27 Nov 12
yeah haha she needs a tutor instead of me as her friend...
• Philippines
25 Nov 12
i had an ex like that who is too needy... we even had some fight if i don't text him back if he ask me where i am if i ate or if i am going home... but the sad thing is he knows where i am and who i am with. the thing is we broke up because in the end he feels that i am not enough and he look for someone that he can have all of those and have his attention. and i was happy because i don't need to brake it to him that it's not working any more. if your partner is too needy and don't even consider your feelings, they are self-centered and a relationship needs understanding, respect not only love. so if you don't have other elements then a relationship is on its way to ruins.
• United States
26 Nov 12
It sounds like he was not just needy but also wasn't able to trust you. Sorry that you went through this experience, but I guess you can be glad that it's over now.
@GardenGerty (160696)
• United States
25 Nov 12
I have actually been the needy one in a relationship, and it does not feel good. I had to do a lot of growing up and gain some confidence. I have a sibling who is manipulative and it is because she is needy, have to just go with it though. I think what helped me was the confidence my first husband had in my ability to handle things. I think a lot of things contribute to that needy feeling like lack of confidence, and fatigue, among other things. The strong person may find it helpful to reinforce the strong points the needy person has so that they become more secure.
• United States
25 Nov 12
I have been the needy one too. I was depressed at the time and didn't see it then, but was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I became dependent on my ex for validation because he had cut down my other sources of validation. This was years ago, but I still see the seeds of dependency in some relationships. Sometimes, I feel that I depend on others too much, sometimes I feel that they depend on me too much. Thankfully, it has not gotten very far. You're right that confidence is of great importance for the needy person. If the "stronger" person can help the "needy" person rely on themselves for confidence, I think that the relationship will improve. Thanks for sharing that--it helped me gain the right perspective!
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
25 Nov 12
Yes, I did have a relationship similar to that. Actually, I did made my boyfriend feel that I will always be with him no matter what happens when he was thrown out from their house by his adoptive parents. I feel it was the time that he needed me most. But as years went by, I realized that instead of helping him to become independent from his adoptive parents, he became dependent on me. I had no problem helping him but I could only do so much. I was only 17 years old that time. I stayed with the relationship with more than a year more then decided to get out of it coz I didn't see his willingness to stand on his own feet. What he would always do is fetch me from school. Actually, I have failed some of my subjects just so I can be with him when he feels alone. I think I did more than enough. And I realized that while I was helping him, I was also losing myself.
• United States
25 Nov 12
It sounds like you were just trying to be loving and compassionate--two great qualities that were abused. I'm glad that you were able to come to the realization that you were losing yourself and got out. You were a very mature 17 year old! Thanks for sharing your experience.
@NatachaR (39)
25 Nov 12
This is a tough conversation to undertake. There are no two people that would give you the same opinion regarding this opaque subject. There is no clear definition as to describe relationship needs. Some people love to feel needed so for them there is no issue about someone depending emotionally on them. Other people get frustrated with a simple phone call from the other person. All that can be said at this point is that if you are not comfortable in your relationship don't drag it out, for it will just make matters worse. Breaking up or going through a divorce has never been any persons favorite hobby to undertake, nevertheless for some people it is easier then for others.
• United States
25 Nov 12
It is a difficult conversation, so I am all the more appreciative of your response! Thanks for opening up the discussion! I agree with you that it is different for different people. But what do you think should be expected as "normal"? Are there any questions or "tests" we could answer to see if we are expecting too much from our partner? In the midst of one of these relationships, it becomes difficult to tell because emotions can cover many things! I'd rather not break off relationships, but set boundaries with people to protect the relationship.
25 Nov 12
to honest beeing in a relationship that your not happy with it is a waste of time for me cause made to make feel comfortable and loved but if itwould make us fell stessedand happy we shouldn't continue
• United States
26 Nov 12
In some cases I would agree. However, sometimes I think that the needy one doesn't realize it or requires some patience to get back on track. For loved ones, I don't want to abandon the relationship, but I do want to make changes in the relationship and help them become more independent.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
25 Nov 12
My ex partner was incredibly needy, to the point of manipulation, whenever they didn't get their own way they would throw a tantrum, just like a child and would actually resort to blackmail, do you know the terrible thing that my partner said when I said I was leaving them? We had 4 beautiful cats in our family, they said that if I left they would kill the cats and dump them, how sick is that? But emotional blackmail is like cry wolf, you can only emotional blackmail someone so many times, it didn't wash with me. They were so heavily dependent on me, I had to drive my partner everywhere, even do all the housework, believe me it was a nightmare. It has put me off relationships for life, I prefer my own company, I am very self-sufficient and independent and I rely on myself not others.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
25 Nov 12
We have to take more care in a needy relatioship. when someome needs us more than we seem to need them it can bring in new dimensiions and feelings into the relationship. we may not always get things the way that we want.
• India
25 Nov 12
Hi friend, it is really hard to deal with a person if we are not comfortable with him/her. Forcing activity is not good in any relationship, i am not interested in continuing my relationship with such kine of persons, if it is our close relative like our parents, siblings or spouse, it is really hard to give up them and we must compromise with them, otherwise i will keep distance from such kind of persons
• United States
25 Nov 12
It is not always necessary to get out of a relationship except when you are not interested in it anymore but the only advice I can give you is to sit down and talk with that person. I was in both situations When I fractured my spine I needed a lot of help it was a terrible feeling all the people that where involved to take care of me and they all had their own life's I am still very thankful And when you giving your help to someone you like or love it is the best thing you can do,and the relationship don't has to be end because you feel overwhelmed . You just have to sit down with that person and tell him her that it is to much just say what you are thinking. Then the third version you feel like you are being used! In this case you also have to sit down and be honest with the person sometimes people don't realize that they want to much talk and see how it turned out I always make the experience that communication is the only way out of problems Good luck