Teacher Complained that my Grandson is Aggressive
By cynthiann
@cynthiann (18602)
Jamaica
November 27, 2012 7:52pm CST
I have really had a rough time with the twins since their mother left almost two weeks ago. She has phoned a few times and spoke to them and I hear them asking her when she is returning but she is evasive just saying 'soon'. Plus a few other excuses.
They have both reacted to this in a negative way and I have had a few very bad times with them when they have refused to do what I ask or deliberately be naughty. Sometimes, I have to walk away as they are downright rude and defiant.
Today, their teacher said that my GS fought FIVE children ranging from a slap to a kick and of course this is not acceptable. She does know the situation as I had to tell her when she questioned his behaviour.
So I spoke to him and told them both that I understand that they miss their Mommy and that they feel sad about her not being here with them but I cannot change what has happened and make it better. I gave them reassurance etc.
When I asked why he is fighting he is gving excuses but the main thing was that he is being teased that they 'have no Mommy'. I honestly feel that he thinks that her going is his falt as his letter to Santa stated that he was a bad boy and did not deserve any presents. I just do not know what to do. Their father is absent three days a week as he has to be in the city and then when he is home he is in great demand from hs constituents.
Tonight, I asked him to pick up his clothes and put them in the clothes basket nd he yells, blaaah, blah, blah, and puts his fingers in his ears and then does not do it. I never experienced this disobedience with my own children and he frequently slaps his twin sister. ( She also has given some trouble but I am handling her beter now) They were both reasonably well behaved children.
After all the turmoil he then asks if he can sleep in my bed and can I give them a cuddle. So I cuddled them to sleep and he kissed me and clung to me. I told him that I love him all the time whther he is good or naughty but I do not love his naughty behaviour but that doesn't stop me from loving him.
I know that their world has been turned upside down and that they are both hurting but any ideas on how to deal with their defiance and disobedience?
6 people like this
20 responses
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Sounds alot like what I have been doing with my granddaughter. Sounds like you are handling it much better then you give yourself credit for. I know it's a struggle..doesn't the mom realize what she is doing to the kids? HOw self centered of her. Same with my little granddaughter. I'd love to take her mom and just shake her but she is bigger them me! LOL....seriously.....she really messed up and now is regretting it while my son has moved on....so very sad for the children!
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
Sometimes, they are so awful that I want to give them a slap. But I have never struck a child in my life. I know that they are transferring their anger for their mother onto me but I am at a loss as to how to handle it. Their father is excellent and he does try to make daily contact - several times a day- and he loved them so much but he too has noticed their behaviour has deteriorated. It is awful. My son and I spoke for 15 mins and when he looked at his phone their were 38 missed calls! He is under pressure too and worries about me but I now have a good helper in the house so the physicsl work is taken off me and I work in a two hour rest daily whilst the children are at school. I do have my part time job.
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Oh they are such selfish moms. It is hard to imagine them basically abandoning their kids.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
She called yesterday and spoke to them both but she was asking about their father etc and they got a bit upset and kept pasing the phone to one another. He cuddled me tonight and I know that he was unhappy. I love them so very much but it is so stressful. I want to tell her what a selfish mare she is but of course I keep the peace.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Nov 12
Wow. 
Other than continuing to do what you're doing, let him know you love him, but let him know the behavior won't be tolerated, and provide consequences, I don't know.
Well, also let his mother know what's going on and that she needs to get back there like NOW.
Other than continuing to do what you're doing, let him know you love him, but let him know the behavior won't be tolerated, and provide consequences, I don't know.
Well, also let his mother know what's going on and that she needs to get back there like NOW.1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
His uncles on his other's side have never shown any interest and as yet, I have not heard from the other GM. She lives close by too. My second son is back in South Carolina with his wife and the third is in London. He is fond of Rachel's husband and he calls and talks with him. He craves men's company. We are going to look for some out of school activity like Karate or something. My GD has dance s she should have something. Counselling is not an option where we live but if it gets worse then this will have to be the way to go.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I will take away his scooter as a punishment and he goes crazy. He raises his hand to me but has not struck me. This is not the kid I know but he was giving his mother trouble before she left but this was because he was being neglected. She had found Jesus in Miami and so was watching the church services on her ipad most of the day. She was also bad mouthing his father
I spoke to her yesterday and she said that he would soon settle down
I spoke to her yesterday and she said that he would soon settle down2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Does the school have counselors that can work with the children and help them deal with their losses? I know what would happen here for children in this situation, but that is not in your country.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Nov 12
A counselor is a good idea.. maybe you can find one that is going to school currently for counselling.. they might do it for the experience, or at least at a very reasonable rate.
I'd suggest asking the teacher for more advice, as the teacher might know of other organizations that can help.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
No they do not have a traines counsellor at primary level - only in High Schools. I just don't know what to do.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
28 Nov 12
So sorry to hear this. He is acting out because of her. What did the teacher say when you explained the problem to her? I hope that your son will be more willing to spend more time with them when he is home. Even if he has obligations his children are more important. Good luck.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
My son is a politician and cannot refuse to meet or attend meetings when asked to do so by the Prime Minister or other Ministers. It is difficult for him to find a balance but he really does try. It is not his business that he is on but the government's business. The teacher is very undestanding but his aggression has escalated further so my son and I will be attending a meeting with the Principal. He really misses his Mom
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
30 Nov 12
I am glad he is going to be attending the meeting. Perhaps there will be a way to resolve the problem. Good luck.
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
28 Nov 12
You can try talking to the mom, but I really don't think she cares enough to do anything. You need to put on a happy face and quit referring to her as much as possible. Don't let them see you all weepy and upset...he will just think that is his fault, too. It is, but he doesn't need to know that.
I have to assume he feels abandonded by both parents since his father is rarely there. I think the very best thing that could happen is for the father to arrange a brief personal period away from work...even if it is just a few days. I'm sure that if he went to his superiors and explained, he could work something out. He needs to know that at least one of his parents is there for him, and if your son could spare some time with the children, I think it would work wonders. The holidays are coming...I strongly suggest he try to work something out.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
My son is an elected politician so when the Prime Minister asks to see him he has to go pronto. He send four days a week with us and tries to give them as much times as possible. It is very difficult for him. He will be home tonight and he is frantically trying to offload some work but he is at the beck and call of his constituents. He is a good father to them and they know he loves them.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I will try to put on a happy face. You are so right now that I think about it.
1 person likes this
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
28 Nov 12
I'm not saying he's not a good dad or that he doesn't love his kids...I'm just saying that sometimes extreme situations call for more personal attention. Maybe during the four days he is at home, he could find some way to let his son know that he will always be there for him...maybe a special outing...anything that reassures the boy that he is not being abandoned. Don't wait for the mom to do anything...it's not gonna happen. She is too wrapped up in herself to even give any thought to how this may be affecting anyone else, including you.
If it were me, I would try to avoid the subject of the mom altogether for the time being. It probably just makes the children feel worse and keeps it uppermost in their minds. When the subject comes up, I would try to find some way to steer it in a different direction. Maybe later, when he is calmer, it can be discussed.
1 person likes this
@Ladybug1101 (13)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Whenever you get a chance to talk to their mother, keep telling her about the impact her absence has on her children's lives. Also, try to talk to the teacher. Maybe she can work with the kids in school who have been teasing them. Try to tell them that they really do not need any bullying or teasing because they are going through a really rough time. If they keep on bullying your grandson, talk to those kids' parents. Make them understand. Counseling and afterschool activities are a great way to help them cope and be distracted so they don't think about how much they miss their mother too often. Hopefully you'll work everything out! I really wish you the best of luck.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
You are right in all that you say. The fact is that she was offered a wonderful job here earning US dollars and there was no need for her to go away at all. I will tell their mother what has been happening when next she calls. What has happend to your niece and nephew is so sad. This is what happens when kids feel abandoned. The name brand clothes don't mean a thing in the long run.
@Ladybug1101 (13)
• United States
28 Nov 12
My mother has to take care of my niece and nephew. They are both in high school and very rebellious. All they do all day is go out with friends and stay on Facebook and Skype. My mother is sick and I am too far away to help. My sister(their mom)is closest. She came over here to look for a job and a better life. My niece and nephew are so used to having her gone that they call her by her first name now. They sometimes bother to acknowledge her as their mom. It's really sad, but it's like there's no real love present. I just hope your grandchildren see their mom soon. If not, this may end up happening to them.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
29 Nov 12
Honestly it sounds like you are handling it fine. Those poor kids...it's a lot to expect the, to just be okay with not seeing their parents. I think if you just keep seeing this as a phase that he is going through he will settle back down with consistent discipline and empathy from the adults he does have around him.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
29 Nov 12
It is how to discipline him that bothers me.He is so aggressive and I do not handle it well. He gave me hell today but now is cuddled up alongside me in my bed with his sister. One either side of me. As I previously stated in a response, I had 3 boys in three years and never experienced anything like this with them. They were naughty yes, but after a time out all returned to normal. Now I do not know what to expect yet. Meeting with his teacher and Principal should help him I hope. I need help too
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
29 Nov 12
your story brought tears to my eyes...those poor little kids. And also...poor you..i can't even imagine what it is like to have this thrust upon you!! God bless you for dealing with it as thoughtfully as you are. You shouldn't have to. Shoulds or should nots are meaningless....fact is you are dealing with this situation. I wish I had some great advise but I don't. I am a gram and if that were my grandbabies,I'd be doing the same thing and resenting that witch that put me in that spot without my consent! I've read your previous posts and I guess that is what bugs me most ...she did NOT take time nor care to see that her kids were taken care of prior to leaving....she just assumed. That is disrespectful to you. You have been tossed into "Parent Mode" when you should be enjoying being a grandparent. And the kids?...They have had their lives tossed about because this woman lied to them ....they are hurtig. I've said it before and I'll say it again...they are very lucky to have you in their lives.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
29 Nov 12
This is kind of you Sid but I lost it and gave him a slap on his butt as he was refusing to get in the car to go to school. His Dad is here now until Sunday night or Monday morning but his time is limited but he is trying to schedule more time with them. I am weepy because I do ot know what to do. Yesterday evening he messedp his homework etc. My son has just taken them to school so will meet with his form teacher and then we will arrange a conference with Principal and take it from there.Their mother complained bitterly to my son that I am not taking her calls. This was true last night as I put my phone on vibrate when I cuddle them to sleep after stories as I do not want them disturbed at this time. He told her to call earlier before wind down time. She says she misses them but no sign of her returning
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
28 Nov 12
hi cynthiann oh my th poor kids, they reallyreallymiss their mommy.,How can s he leave two twins like that, sbame on her.I think you are doing
the best you can telling them you love them but not the naughty behavior.At that age a mom should never just drop them off like dirty clothes.I think you will have
to be firm. I wonder if she ever taught how to behave in school.be firm bvt loving and hopefully 'the problems w ill not be as bad.Is there anyway you could get their mom to return home and help care for t them? I know their daddy is really busy but m om is the one needed.JI feel so bad for you as thats the last thing you needed to relax with.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
There is going to be meeting with the Principal, teacher, son and myself so hopefully we can come up with something. I think their mother should return asap as they miss her so much and although I have done my best I amnot their Mommy. He is beside me right now being rude and deliberately making mistakes in his homework. Their father is soming tonight thank God, I am at the end of my tether. I am hoping that his mother will call tonight so that I can speak to her.
@celticeagle (168478)
• Boise, Idaho
29 Nov 12
I feel sorry for these poor kids. They must feel like their mother deserted them. And where is their dad? Kids needs security and consistancy. I think one thing that might help is giving them the option of being good and getting something special. I am sure there is something they both would enjoy and they could sure use something to look forward to. If they are good and earn it. Try to be as positive with them as you can too.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
29 Nov 12
I will try to be more positive - I expect that I have been growing more anxious as his behaviour deteriorated to the point of hitting me. My son has to spend 3 days a week in the city as he is a politician and attends Parliament. Plus so many meetings and then when he is with us he has also a heavy schedue in his constituency. It is all very difficult but he does his best. Plus he will take them to public events if possible with him. I like the idea of a reward system and will discuss it with him tonight. He has taken them to school now and then on to his office hoping to be home before their bedtime. But he keeps his word and has never broken a promise to them.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
28 Nov 12
As I said before, if she is gone, she should be gone and done with it. The continued contact is just serving to string the kids along, and it isn't fair.
I've seen how kids get when a parent takes off like that. I've seen the lashing out after the mother called. The contact--the lie of hope--is far worse than not having contact.
So, she either needs to get her rear end back home and be with her kids or stay out of their lives and let them adjust to a new life without her. If it were me, I would make that clear to her the next time she calls.
As for what you can do, I would suggest taking them to a good counselor who has experience in working with children. Also, continue to be a loving and supportive grandmother.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
29 Nov 12
The phrase you used - the lie of hope - is really brilliant. Because that is what it is. My son is coming shortly and we will discuss this. Right now he is cuddled in my bed as he had asked for a cuddle after being abusive all day and praying that he wants me to die and striking me twice. There are not any counsellors nearby - only in town. But this is an option. She told them that sh will come soon. You are right - that is a lie of hope. She will come though and one day and take them and they will be traumatised again as this time they will miss their Daddy. It just cannot go on like this. Thank you forn your response.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
This morning I smacked him once on his butt when he had fught his sister and was aggressive towards me. He din't chill though, just was more aggressive to his sister on the way to school.I just don't know what to do. A meeting is being scheduled between the Principal and his father and me
@doroffee (4222)
• Hungary
28 Nov 12
Maybe take them to a psychologist? Experts can help... it's such a trauma to a kid what happened... even an adult who exactly knows right and wrong can behave really rudely after something like this... and here we talk about kids.
Also, I would tell the teacher that your grandson told you that the other kids teased him. Well, in my eyes, and I think a proper teacher's eyes this is less of an acceptable behaviour than someone defending themselves. A kid can't argue like an adult, if they are hurt by words, they are not going to list arguments for their rights, but do the easiest thing to hurt back: fight and kick. Actually, I think, verbal hurt is worse than physical ones, because their mocking him stays with him forever... especially because it's not his fault that the mother left, yet they are the ones who are going to suffer because of the mean comments of some bratty kids. And this should be sorted out, and the other kids should be scolded.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I met with both his teacher and the Principal this morning. The Principal is a personal friend and knows me well. I did tell them about the teasing. They are going toaddress tis issue hopefully today. My son will be meeting with the Principal within 2 days too. There is not a psychologist or therapist where we live - in our area. I am going to speak to their mother re his behaviour tonoght if she calls. They are both hurting but his twin sister will cry and then after cuddles is okay again. she told the children in the class that their Mommy had gone away. I will do my best to get this sorted. Many thanks
1 person likes this
@sakurage123 (77)
• Philippines
28 Nov 12
I am a teacher for seven years.I knew how hard it is to teach children especially they are very impulsive.I understand the situation.I hope some teachers can understand also these kind of students.To deal with defiance and disobedience we must give more love to the students.Teaching with love is better.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I must learn coping stratagies to deal with him. I am not doing it right at all. I tend to react whn he begins the bad behaviour. He is getting on my very last nerve, trust me.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Nov 12
So sad.. and the mother is just making me angrier and angrier.
I don't know what you can do to make this stop.. I do wish I had some ideas. My kids like to test me, and I get so angry I take everything away from them.. but then end up giving it back a few days later.. then when I'm not angry anymore they start all over again..
It's obvious he's acting out for his mother leaving like that.. I don't know how you can change that. He needs to know his mother loves him.. grandma's love is good, but won't replace mother's love.. you know?
What a selfish little brat she is for abandoning her children like that and making you deal with their behavior!
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I tell him that his Mommy loves him and she will come as soon as she is able but he misses her. I am just a substitute doing the best that I can. I take away his scooter when he is really bad and then he goes crazy for a while but there has to be some form of punishment. He cannot be destructive and get away with it.I just don't know what to do. I yelled at him tonight and feel so guilty but he just got on my last nerve. I know that they need their mother and her action is downright cruel. No need for her to take off at all. But I am know hearing other stuff as to why she is there
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
28 Nov 12
this is so sad. have you tried telling them you will brag to their mother what obediant sweet kids they are these days if they start acting right and she might come home sooner? sounds like shes joined a cult or something. you may end up having to pay for some therapy. for them i have no advice. sorry.
i have no advice. sorry. @cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I can't call the name of the church but it wuld appear to be A BIT CULTISH AS IT IS A Brekaway fraction. The Principal is scheduling a meeting with my son and we will discuss what to do for him. Thanks for your support
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Oh, my heart just hurts for these children. I imagine that for all intents and purposes, they feel exactly as if they have been abandoned by their mother. They feel rejected by her. Oh, how that must hurt!!
But, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try to deal with this little boy who is acting in such a way. Do the schools have counselor's available for the students? He definitely needs someone to help him work through these feelings before he gets into big trouble!
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
A meeting is being scheduled by the Principal with my son. I am devastated as I am not handling it well at all. This morning he raised his fist as if to hit me. It's almost as if he wants punishment as he mother has left him. I think that he feels it is his fault. But he is out of control and I don't know what to do.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
30 Nov 12
Well, I think that it is definitely a step in the right direction to tell them that you still love them no matter what happens. I do think that is something that all children need to know. They really need to know that love is unconditional.
As far as the aggressive behavior out of your grandson, I know that the reason that he is doing it isn't all because of the fact that the other children are teasing him, a big part of it is because he wants to have attention and in a situation like this, it doesn't matter to a child whether the attention is positive or negative. The best suggestion that I can give to you is to simply spend extra time with him during this tough time in his life.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
28 Nov 12
I guess frequently talking to him about the situation can help him understand why these things have to happen. Kids needs attention and reassurance that despite what kind of situation they are in, their parents remain to love them with all their hearts.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
28 Nov 12
I have been talking to them both about this and trying to reassure them that they are loved so very much but I will take your advice and talk frequently to them
@surekharathi (14146)
• India
30 Nov 12
You are handling very well and you are good grandfather. Some child really aggressive and they feel like annoying in everything if someone talks some then they behave like aggressive. You are right even the behaviour is good or bad but we loves our child or grand child.
