I really don't like someone, what should do?
By one5415
@one5415 (380)
Canada
November 28, 2012 2:34pm CST
OK! Actually, the someone I really don't like is my mother-in-law! Honestly, I really dislike her and don't want to spend anytime with her.
She was very nice and treated me well, politely before I married my husband,his son. The problem is that she wants me to stay at home to be a housewife like her after we got married. She hopes me to stay at home, do house chores, take care of my husband (like a servant) and she asked us to live with them (include my father-in-law, sister-in-law and brother-in-law). It's just very ridiculous. I mean, we've got married and we are a family now!!! Another reason I don't want to live with them is that they live in countryside and it's hard to get a job. So my sister-in-law (30 something) dose part-time job now and my brother-in-law(27yrs old) is unemployed. She doesn't care about that. She just wants to hold her all children by her side.
I think she gets involved into our life too much! Now we live in another country (this was another story about we asked to move to another country), but we have to skype with her at least 3 times each week! It's too much for me. Each skype spends at least 30 mins...come on!! She cares about her son too much and treats him like he is still a child.
"What did you eat for your breakfast/ lunch/ dinner?"
"What did you do today?"
"Are you feel tired?"
Like these questions....
For me, it's just beyond the care! It's bothersome!!
Also, she is a bossy person. She likes to interfere with our all decision. Including baby's name, our job, our lifestyle...come on! It's not your business!! If we don't follow her decision, she will call us again and again and try to convince us. Then, get angry. How annoying! We are not children. We are a family now. We don't have to listen to you about everything! I mean, I respect her, but not in this way!
Now, I really don't want to go back to my country because it means I have to meet with her. Can anybody tell me what I should do to make myself feel better?
She calls us every morning!! So annoying!
2 people like this
16 responses
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
28 Nov 12
one5415 I think there are many who don't get along with their MIL...and it always creates problems.
You forgot to mention how your husband feels about her involvement in your life, If he thinks she is 'not too bad', then you have a bigger problem. If he agrees she interferes too much then you can form a united front to miimize the grief you get from her.
You will never chage her completely, but ytou can change your reactionsto her behavior. In time she will come to realize that no matter how much she insists on her way it isn't going to always happen.
Another thing you need to remember is life is short..she won't be around forever and you will in the end feel better about yourself if you make an effort to put up with whatever areas you can.
@one5415 (380)
• Canada
28 Nov 12
My husband is a good guy who has a warm heart. He doesn't want to hurt his mother even he feels annoying. He can spent 1 hour answering all her repeated, meaningless questions.
So that's why his mother tries to get involved into our life again and again, never stop!!
My husband was taught by her to be an obedient child so he never says no to his mother, even though she is unbelievable unseasonably.
But you are right! Life is short! I feel better now! If she doesn't ask us to take care of her daughter and son (my husband's sibling) in the future.
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
29 Nov 12
one5415
It's hard on you when the MIL is interfering...your husband will appreciate your patience and love you even more for it..he sounds like a great guy..and remember what they say?? You can tell how your husband will treat you (his wife) by the way he treats his mother..
all the best and may you be blessed with patience..
all the best and may you be blessed with patience..
@Angelpink (4034)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
It is hard to have such kind of mother in law but darling you have no choice but you got to lover her also. Whoever is being loved by your husband , you are oblige to love them also. Culture and tradition says , you are not only loving and marrying your husband but you are also loving and marrying his whole family.It is just but nature of Mom to check his son and grandchildren but your mom is just exaggerating.
Just listen to her , let her talk and after which , you give your opinion in a very , cool subtle way . Tell her the honestly the things that are acceptable and the things which is no longer applicable and tell her the reason why. She maybe hurt , let her ,may cry let her , in long she will understand but never never disrespect her. Hope you pick something .
@Raine38 (12250)
• United States
28 Nov 12
I do understand how you feel, although I have to admit that I have a good relationship with my inlaws. Lets just say I have heard of almost the same story from my friends who are not as lucky. Most of them are in an even tighter bind than you are because they live with their MIL and that is a big no-no. My mom always say that there could only be one queen in a household.
How long have you guys been married? May e your MIL is still trying to accept the fact that her son is already committed and already have a family of his own. Maybe she hasn't gotten into terms yet that at this point, she is no longer her son's priority. Just try to still be on her good side most of the time, she's still your husband's mom afterall. Who knows, when she finally sees that you're actually a good wife she just might start backing out a bit.
Just gave her the patience that you want to be bestowed to you by your future daughter in law someday.
@one5415 (380)
• Canada
28 Nov 12
Hi, thank you for your comment.
We've got married about...2.5 years. I just need a respect from her, not try to help me make any decision, especially my future. I am pursuing my PhD in another country. Before I started, she just opposed me to study PhD because she wanted me to stay at home like her and other relatives' daughter-in-law. She is afraid of my education degree is higher than my husband's. That doesn't make sense, you know? She can't control other's life, but she wants. I told her, I definitely will go to study PhD. Now I support my family (my husband and my baby) by my scholarship, fellowship and she still complains that we spend lots of money!! I work hard, study hard and not take anything from her. She told my husband that it's difficult to find a good job after I got PhD degree because nobody study PhD in their town! What a ridiculous!
We had a hard time to move to another country. I just don't want to be controlled by she. You know what? She asked me to graduate in three years! OMG~terrible!!!
She just wants to control everything!!!
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
29 Nov 12
First your husband and yourself have to have a good secure relationship to be able to deal with this person. I agree that is to much of a mom to do for a son after they have grown become a man, a husband, and a father himself if not already.
Not easy to deal with a mom who can't seem to cut those apron strings.
Thing is though it is family, regardless when you married the man of your life, you also became apart of another whole family.
She is only feeling she is doing what is right in the way she was raised to be. Not an easy thing to break. Write her a letter. I mean an actual on paper letter explaining how you feel, not in a sarcastic way, but in a daughter in law loving way. Have you tried that? Write how you feel in how she does things and how sometimes she is over bearing. That you would like the chance to be a wife, friend, and mother as she is for her children. Might be what she needs to have from you.
This way there isn't anger, animosity, instead away of understanding so when she becomes a grandmother she won't miss out on that privilege.
@one5415 (380)
• Canada
29 Nov 12
Hi~ thank you for your response.
I've tried to communicate with her in a polite, civil way. But I was failed. She was not willing to listen to me and she got angry. She said " I never had any opinion with my MIL. NEVER!! And you couldn't image my MIL treated me how bad." WOW!! It's not my business, right? She can't treat me like this way just because her MIL treated her bad.
Writing her a letter is not working. Her education was elementary school and she doesn't know many words. Her son tried to ask her read some books before and she refused. She thought that her son looks her down. So if I try to write a letter to her and ask her to read, she will think I try to embarrass her.
Hard and difficult to convey my any opinions. What I can do is approve all her opinions, all her decisions.
@aabuda (1722)
• Philippines
28 Nov 12
If that's the case, then, I think you should have to talk to your husband to air your side and not that you will just let your mother in law rule and decide for your future.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
I can feel your anguish!
But seriously, I also feel the same towards my mother in law sometimes. The only difference is that she'd rather have me working for my family than take care of my kids. She has been a businesswoman since her kids were still very young. And she had her sisters and brothers to take care of the children. I also want to work and earn for the family, (who doesn't), but I have nobody to entrust my kids while I am gone. My in laws would be no help in that coz they do not have that enthusiasm when the kids are around them. They couldn't fetch my youngest son from school coz they are old and even if they could afford to have a driver, they wouldn't think of spending a dime for the salary of a driver. So what am I supposed to do?
We live in a house that they own and of course, they would always have the last say on everything. The house is almost falling apart and yet it couldn't be fixed. Not until my father in law is in a good mood to have the house fixed, that is what my mother in law would say.
In laws could be sometimes a pain the neck. And because we were brought up in an entirely different environment from them, the battle just seems endless.
But seriously, I also feel the same towards my mother in law sometimes. The only difference is that she'd rather have me working for my family than take care of my kids. She has been a businesswoman since her kids were still very young. And she had her sisters and brothers to take care of the children. I also want to work and earn for the family, (who doesn't), but I have nobody to entrust my kids while I am gone. My in laws would be no help in that coz they do not have that enthusiasm when the kids are around them. They couldn't fetch my youngest son from school coz they are old and even if they could afford to have a driver, they wouldn't think of spending a dime for the salary of a driver. So what am I supposed to do?
We live in a house that they own and of course, they would always have the last say on everything. The house is almost falling apart and yet it couldn't be fixed. Not until my father in law is in a good mood to have the house fixed, that is what my mother in law would say.
In laws could be sometimes a pain the neck. And because we were brought up in an entirely different environment from them, the battle just seems endless.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
29 Nov 12
It is impossible to like everybody. No matter if it's your own family, family in law or a stranger or friends of your partner. I don't think there is a need for it either. But you can respect someone and be hostile. If it takes a lot of energy to meet someone frequently be honest and say so. People are different. You can't blame your mother in law for her behaviour/questions alone. Your partner plays that game as well. Your husband should tell his mother he is married now, at what time she can call etc. BTW if she is asking him if he did eat etc. there is nothing wrong with it. It's also not of your business. If your husband doesn't like these questions he should tell her since he is her son. So tell your husband what is bothering you and if he feels the same let him behave like an adult and tell her what the habits/rules are now. I can understand you don't like this but these are the fact. As long as your husband doesn't care about his mother's behaviour nothing will change. BTW did you ever tell her why you find her so annoying? How you can feel better? Take distance! Invest energy in yourself and don't see it as an attack on you, as the "new" woman in her son's life. It has nothing to do with that. Also do not stay away of your country because of her or someone else. Hiding will surely not help you. Sooner or later you have to be honest and say what you feel for real.
@one5415 (380)
• Canada
29 Nov 12
Hi WakeUpKitty (I like your ID ^^~)
I can understand the way a mother cares about her children. I am also someone else's mother. I know that it's not wrong if a mother asks this kind of question. The problem is that she can't blames me everything. For instance, she asks my husband "Have you eaten dinner yet? Are you hungry now?" If my husband says "Not yet! A little bit hungry now", she will starts to blame me. She just likes blames me everything about her son. My husband is skinny since he was born, but she blames me about that. She thinks my husband's body weight is my responsibility after we got married. I just can't bear it.
Btw, we went to another country just because I am pursuing my PhD, not for her lol.
She opposed me to study PhD just because there is no one hold PhD degree in their family and she thinks if I got PhD, I will damp her son. How selfish! She always tries to protect her son even though it will hurt somebody.
@funfreak2k2 (1734)
• India
29 Nov 12
I can understand your feeling for independence in doing things of your own. But the change has to come from your husband side first. try to change him to respect your feelings and then through him, your MIL's penetration into your affairs. It can happen, even though it takes some time.
Don't lose hope, take the challenge first with your husband...
all the best...
@dream_ozn (1754)
• Singapore
29 Nov 12
Hey.
Really feel sorry to hear your story.
It's really very terrible that you don't like your mother-in-law. Usually, if we don't like someone else, it's very easy cause we can just stop contacting them and stop being friends. However, since it is your mother-in-law, technically, she's your family and therefore, regardless if you like her or not, she will still be there.
Furthermore, because she is your husband's mother, you can't comment too much too, otherwise you husband will be unhappy about it. ANyway, does your husband know you don't like his mother?
I used to 'hate' my ex-boyfriend's sister and i think the feeling is quite similar to waht you are feeling now. She's really irritating and bothersome.
I really hope that i will have a nice mother-in-law in future.
Luckily you guys are staying in a different country from her now. At least it's easier to manage.
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
How unfortunate of you that you have this kind of mother in law. And i understand how you feel it really is horrible. I am lucky that my mother in law is very good to us, she doesn't interfere with me and my husband though we just live in the same house, she respects our decisions, she sometimes give us advises but not to the point on forcing us or demanding us what to do.I hope that that mother in law of yours will understand that her son a new life now and it is not all the time that she can demand what she wants.
@prashsweet15 (91)
• India
29 Nov 12
Wow , we indians have to face this situation every day too ,I donot understand why these so called in-laws cannot leave their grown ups alone .Here most girls fly off with their hubby,s to distant lands never to return ,if you are financially independent tell your ma in law and your husband too , that you do notlike the way she bossess over you ,your husband will understand if he really loves you .Take my advice never ever think of quitting your job , nomatter what mother-in-law or no mother-in-law.
@mhaiXCs10s (619)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
Please be civil with her... Please always bear in mind that she is your husbands' mother. I am not in favor with your mother-in-law but don't do anything you will regret after. Just talk to your husband first for he is the one who can do anything to help you with your problem.
@kennethfherl14 (70)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
Maybe, what you will do is to increase your patience to her. Many of the mothers are like that. They don't want to be away with their children. Even you maybe, as time comes do that to your son/daughter too. Because they don't want to be left if they get older. Understand her also. Why not talk to her, one on one, confront her about what you feel when she does it to you and your husband. Or better, talk to your husband about that. Mothers just wanted their children to have a better life. But i also respect your opinion too. Some of us, can't feel ease with their in - laws. I hope i could help you with my suggestion. Thanks and have a nice day :D
@apoota888 (51)
• United Arab Emirates
29 Nov 12
A lot of people don't get along with their in-laws. Unfortunately, you are stuck with her. Try to be nice and cordial. I had read stories who had fought with their in-laws and that took a toll on their relationship and broken their family. Try to get along with her as much as possible.
Talk to your husband about this so that he can make arrangements with your mother in law and get to a reasonable agreement. Hope for the best and if nothing change, don't blame your husband and simply go with the flow.
@Belle_of_the_Ball (896)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
I am just one of the few luckiest who are in good terms with MIL. My mother-n-law lives in another country and we hang out once a year whenever we spend months of vacation in Korea. I believe that mothers will always be mothers. Who knows one day when one of your kids (son) get married you might also do the same thing. If your mother-in-law gets in your nerves, talk about this with your husband.But keep in your mind that she is your husband's mom; don't say anything that would hurt your husband's feelings as that may cause more trouble.
@leeandrew (1225)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
Hahahaha. I thought at first it was someone who wants a date with you. Actually only few son/daughter-in-law has good relationship with the in-laws.
I suggest that you eat sweets first before you talk with your mom-in-law so that you won't get annoyed easily with her.
Honestly, I'm thankful my mom-in-law is not like that. She doesn't interfere with our decisions. She just talked when I asked her opinion and she is not annoying when it comes to that. What just bogs me is her self-esteem is very low. She seems don't have dreams anymore, feels that she only exist for the two younger kids that she has now.
I suggest that just ignore her if you can or you can talk to her in a respectful manner still about letting you guys decide your own, and you don't have to answer her calls every time, tell her you guys are busy and wants some moments alone. Or what you can do is let your husband tell his mom to stop doing it.
