Why won't she just say no?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
November 28, 2012 9:05pm CST
So I have this friend. She pretty much only ever talks about how broke she is.. I guess I'm easy to talk to about that sort of stuff cause I'm always broke too. In fact, I'm so broke, I've spent the last month looking for ways to stretch my dollar further.. either by trying to find another job, or by finding ways to cut back on my current expenses.
This particular friend is a stay at home mom. She has a 2 year old daughter in addition to 4 other school aged children.
Over the weekend it occurred to me that if I asked her to watch my youngest son, I could save a ton of money on daycare. He's currently in half day school, and goes to daycare in the afternoon. I pay $125 for him to go to daycare everyday after school.
So I thought if she watched him instead, I could save some money and she'd get some spending cash. Some days I don't work very long, I might get out of work at 1pm. Sometimes I get weekdays off, as does my husband. So she might only need to watch him 2 or 3 days, for a few hours a day. My oldest is 15 and he gets home around 2:30.. if she needed to she could drop my youngest off at home once my oldest is home and she'd be done for the day as early as 2:30 if I have to work later.
I brought it up to her in a text message.. she said she'd probably say yes, but wanted to talk about it in person at the gym on Monday. Well I ended up not going to the gym Monday because I had a job interview. So instead I asked her to come over Monday night.. and she was going to but later told me her kids were acting up and she was getting a headache. So then she proceeded to complain about money again, and I brought up the babysitting thing again.. to which she did not respond.
I sent her some details on Facebook, tried to plan things out.. she did not respond. I've brought it up in text messages a couple times, she did not respond. She'll wait a few hours, then text me about something unrelated such as money, or her husband being a jerk. Again she just texted me out of the blue about how much she hates her husband.. but she won't respond to me about babysitting.
I decided yesterday after she didn't respond to a text about it, that she obviously doesn't want to do it..
So, for now I have to keep my current job as that's the only way I can afford my son's daycare. I do like his daycare program.. and it's a formal daycare so it's reliable and dependable.. and stable. I couldn't get that same guarantee out of a friend or a regular babysitter. That was how my husband convinced me to stick with the daycare this school year instead of finding a cheaper option.
But it just irks me.. why can't she just say she doesn't want to instead of avoiding the topic?
And why does she have to keep texting me to tell me how much she hates her husband?? Ugh!
8 people like this
24 responses
@Raine38 (12389)
• United States
29 Nov 12
I don't want to sound so negative, but she comes across to me as someone who wants the money but not the job that goes with it. She wants your money, but I don't think she wants to work for it. And as for her unrelated and continuous stories about her money problems, husband problems, the works, I think it's her way of trying to get you on her side, pity her and eventually just help her out with no strings attached. Maybe she thinks you will eventually give in since she have this impression that of all people you understand her the most. I could be wrong, which I really hope I am for the sake of your friendship, but I believe that if a person really wants something, she will find ways to do it. But if she doesn't really want to do it, she will never run out of reasons or excuses why she can't do it.
Just my opinion.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
I really don't think that's the case. I'm honestly worse off than she is at the moment, financially. I'm sure she has her reasons for not wanting to, she just won't tell me.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (94062)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Man, if she's this unreliable in even answering you I wonder how reliable she'd be in watching your kids. Because if she came up with excuses all the time about why she had to back out you'd be in a world of trouble. Plus, your friendship would suffer if she couldn't just do what you needed her to do.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Yeah, I started realizing that. Unreliability is really something I cannot stand in other people.. because I am an extremely reliable person. I've stopped talking to a few friends because we'd constantly make plans and they just wouldn't show up and not even bother to tell me why.
Like I said.. I was telling my husband over the summer that we might be better off finding other childcare for our son because it would be cheaper.. but he pointed out that the daycare won't call in sick or up and quit or ask for a vacation on short notice.
3 people like this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
29 Nov 12
Sorry to be brutally honest but it sounds like she is using you as a sounding off board someone to offload to. But when you need a favour it's a different story. I agree she should say no rather than leaving you hanging that would be the decent thing to do after all not much to ask is it? She does sound like hard work and you have to ask yourself what sort of friend she is, if at all?
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Yeah I think you're right.. I am a sounding board, and this isn't the first time I've felt like I've been used as one. Sometimes I would like a sounding board too, but I don't normally feel like people listen.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
30 Nov 12
And you know that is why a lot of us are on MyLot, because it is a sounding board. We have all given you back our impressions as well. I think that the person who said with her problems and her kids acting up it probably is not the best place for your son to go.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Nov 12
GG.. I use Mylot all the time, and Gather too.. but I'm cautious about what I put online just because sometimes I get remarks that are unwanted, not helpful, and just plain rude.. then I just get upset because I don't feel those people have the right to judge when they don't understand the situation.. so sometimes I just don't bother.
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
Well just take it as a sign that your plan was not meant to be. I think having some kids to tend on her own and it looks like she is having some internal problems on her own managing her own kids then I guess it was a sign it is not good to let your kids stay there.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Nov 12
Yeah. At least with a no, you can plan something else. With no response, you can too, but then watch, she'll come back and be mad because you didn't wait or something.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
My plan is just to stick with what I currently have.. but she did text me today to see about going to the gym tonight, like trying to make a plan. Bet she's back in the mind set of needing some extra money and wants to talk to me about it.. but she seems a bit wishy washy.. one day she wants to find work, the next day she isn't doing anything about it.. probably not the best bet to watch my child!
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Probably, of course I think not answering is worse than saying no.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
29 Nov 12
I do not understand people like that. They complain and complain about money but you give them an option to MAKE money and they don't want to do it! Then STOP complaining about having no money!! That would really annoy me too if I was you. And to ignore you instead of being a grown woman and saying I don't want to is stupid. She needs to grow up and tell you.
I agree with your husband at this point, stick with what you have because you know it is reliable and you won't have to worry about not having someone to watch your son for you.
And the next time she complains about money, honestly I would tell her no offense but I don't want to hear it, I gave you a way to make more money and you did not want it...
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Funny thing is, she's constantly talking about finding a job that she can work without having to find childcare for her own kids. Her hubby works long hours, so she can't work around him.. but every other day on Facebook she's saying she has to start job hunting..
So here I offered her a job that she could do while taking care of her kids.. but no..
I mean, it's fine, because I'm not the babysitting type either. I don't want to watch other people's kids.. but I know that and will flat out tell people so. I always laugh and say I don't like kids (which is funny because I have 5 myself). But I don't avoid the topic and give people false hope by saying maybe then avoiding it!
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
29 Nov 12
Exactly, that would have been the perfect thing for her to do and if she isn't the babysitting type she could have at least told you that! Ugh, I cannot stand this kind of thing from adults. Lol.
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
30 Nov 12
I have a few ideas, although I recognize that this is just basically a rant.
1) Her husband is a jerk and has told her she cannot do this.
2) She is one of those people who believes if she says "no" you will not like her.
3) She would not know what to do if she did not have something to complain about.
Bear in mind that you get what you pay for as far as childcare goes. Do you like how she interacts with her small child? How do her older children act? Would your business relationship hurt your friendship?
She is so focused on her own problems she has no vision for a solution.
I am working lots of short shifts myself. I am adding to my income with Textbroker. This is not a referral or a promotion, just an idea that you write well enough that you could do freelance work and it is a legitimate site, not a site that pays for page views.
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
1 Dec 12
Taking writing assignments is not really my favorite thing, although when I search I use swagbucks and earn faster there as well. I do like being able to cash out every week and know exactly what I have coming in. I got over 26 dollars today. Not enough to live on, but that is writing an average of one article a day. You sign up, they ask for a writing sample. They assess the writing sample and tell you what level you may write on. I am just average, a three. At three you earn a penny a word. My daughter is a four, but feels too stressed to write there often. They have a page of categories with assignments you can take if they are not taken by someone else. Usually all requirements are in you post but you can be asked to revise, or if you have a question there is a way to contact the person who posts the assignment. I have been told that iWriter is good as well.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Nov 12
Her husband is a jerk.. but he's never home so I don't see why he'd say no and if he did why she wouldn't say so. I'm guessing it's more #2 and #3..
She's good with her kids, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered to ask in the first place. One of her children is severely autistic, but he's in school during the day. Her oldest is a trouble maker.. but he's good with his siblings, he just makes trouble at school.. from what I've seen of him he's a good kid, just doesn't do well at school.
I appreciate the suggestion, and am willing to hear more about Textbroker, but I'm not interested in writing usually unless it's like a discussion type situation.. I love being social! As for writing, I'm already on Triond and haven't submitted anything to that other than school assignments in years! I used to be on Helium but found it too demanding and frustrating. I also tried ChaCha once and hated it. I like sites that are easy, don't require much of my time, and generally pay for what I already do anyway.. like how Swagbucks pays me to search which I do anyway.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (72288)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Thats to bad she isnt willing to watch your son for you because it would be very helpful for you to not have to pay so much as well as beneficial to her to have a bit more income coming in. I really do think it is rude for her to keep blabbing to you her problems without being respectful enough to just tell you that she doesnt want to babysit. Maybe next time she starts texting you about what a jerk her husband is or the money issues just dont text back and then next time you see her say sorry I was just so busy.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
I did start not responding.. I don't really know what to say when all she does is complain about her husband, but won't leave him.
1 person likes this
@jinnkel1210 (8)
• United States
30 Nov 12
That would be frustrating...she appears to be the kind of person that easily states the problem but doesn't want to fix it. Since I don't know her, I don't want to say anything negative and there could be a lot of reasons she has not really given you an answer. Maybe she really doesn't need the money THAT bad...or she doesn't want to babysit and does not know how to say no to your offer (I think that might be it). Personally I would stop suggesting it because it would frustrate me to not get a straight answer. But, if she eventually were to say yes I don't know if I would do it...to me it just doesn't sound like she REALLY wants to do it and if she was only doing it for the money and it was my child she was caring for...hmmm, that would bother me.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Nov 12
I agree.. I have changed my mind on it and haven't brought it up since.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
28 Jan 13
You know... that IS kind of weird. Did you ever approach her about not getting a straight answer? I don't really understand her unwillingness to tell you yes or no immediately either, I do child care for a few of my friends on call, so it's not every day, it's pretty much worked out week by week based on when I'm available. That way I can decide if I want kids every day, in the morning, in the afternoon, only one day a week, etc.
I really like this arrangement, and the bonus is that these kids are friends of my daughter too, so SHE loves this arrangement. I get to enjoy a baby and my daughter gets to play with friends she has known since she WAS a baby, I have a way to make a little extra $ which covers a lot of my race fees and my friends don't have to shell out $800 for some full time daycare from strangers who don't love their kids like family lol.
I think your friend has other issues she isn't sharing with you, not the least of being her hating her husband enough to complain in text messages daily. Does she expect you to do something about it... is she fishing for advice, or just venting?
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Jan 13
I assume she's just venting.. I stopped talking to her so much after awhile because I can only hear about it so much, you know. I only talk to her when I bump into her now.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
30 Nov 12
Think i'd be finding me a new friend & put he on the use to be friends list. She's not too worried about money or she would have jumped at the chance. As for hating her husband there's a remedy for that to. Sounds like to me she just likes to bitc*.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Nov 12
I agree.. and she just keeps texting me asking if I'm going to the gym today.. that's all she ever talks about. Then on Facebook her status is saying she is sick.. so why ask me if I"m going to the gym if she's sick?
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
29 Nov 12
Itis an obvious and easy way to earn extra money and she is avoiding the subject? You would have taken it in a flash if the situation was reversed wouldn't you? When yu were at home with the last 2 children you would have gladly accepted this offer as a way of increasing the family finances. It is such a win win situation. I am sorry but if all she can do is whine about not having money and ignore your request then she is a bit idiotic. I would do the same as you only more because I wouldnot be answering all her texts. I would be brief saying that the demands of family and home did not leave you too much time to text these days. She is just avoiding saying no to you so talks about everything else in her life.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
When I stayed home I did think about finding kids to watch once in awhile, but I'm not much of the babysitting type.. I like having the freedom to come and go as I please, which you can't do with someone else's kid, and the schedule they need to stick to. But if it were a friend I might at least hear them out and consider it before saying yes or no.
She really is starting to become a pain with these texts.. I ignore about half of them, but I don't like to be rude.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (223855)
• Chile
29 Nov 12
I would not leave my children with that woman. It is evident that she is not reliable. Moreover, I don`t really think she wants to earen money. Some people love to talk about how broke they are or about how ill they are. I think that you should try other people to help you with your children. Take care!
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
1 Dec 12
That really is a shame that she won't respond to you about the baby sitting thing. Heck, I almost wish that I lived close to you because I would charge a lot less than $125 a week for half-day sitting for just one child. When I keep children of friends or family members, I typically charge 20 a day per child(full day) for unrelated people and 20 a day complete for any number of family members that are siblings. So if I was watching your son I would only charge $50 a week and I would keep him for as much as six hours a day for that price.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
1 Dec 12
That's what I was figuring I'd pay her was $50 a week, even though she'd only have him 3 or 4 days each week, and like I said, she only needed to have him for like 3 hours maybe if she wanted to drop him off with my oldest at 2:30.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
9 Dec 12
She really doesn't want to do any work and it's easier to complain about it then actually have to do something. That is what's wrong with this country..so many are waiting for others to take care of them because that is easier then actually having to take some of their precious time to make their own way. Next time she mentiions money I would remind her of what income she could have had.
@GreenMoo (11833)
•
29 Nov 12
Perhaps she feels that if she out and out refuses then you'll lose sympathy with her complaining about being broke and she'll lose a friend?
I think keeping the daycare in place sounds sensible. This lady doesn't sound terribly reliable to be in charge regularly if she can't even answer a straight question, but this way at least she's still there in an emergency to help out.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Nov 12
Well avoiding my questions sure isn't helping her earn any brownie points with me.
@frankiecesca (2489)
•
10 Dec 12
It would definately just makse more sense for her to just say so outright that she doesn't want to do it rather than keep avoiding answering you! I hate it when people either make excuses or just lie instead of being straight with me!
It would really suit both of you and yet she obviously sounds like she isn't interested!
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
30 Nov 12
I guess your friend she didn't want to babysit your kid, and she might not need that money at the moment too. I guess that is one reason to put it; otherwise, why would she avoid to bring up that topic. You were trying to do her a favor, since she whining about no money, or broke. I just can't believe someone can't even telling the truth that they don't want to do this and that. There is no harm done.
@BethelSophia (538)
• Philippines
30 Nov 12
Oh!, I am sorry to hear that. I think she can't tell the truth that she doesn't want to baby sit your child or maybe she's also having a trouble and a problem that instead of answering your question she's sharing her own experiences and forgot about some of your concerns. In this part I think she's becoming more of herself than being subjective. Well, I think in my own opinion since you are more mature and responsible you will be the one to tell her that she will not baby sit your son anymore.
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
1 Dec 12
In case you haven't caught on by now, her answer is NO. Women, in general, don't always like to say no, so they say everything else but a direct no. You have to learn to pick up hints from this woman and understand that although she is not saying no, her actions are saying no.
If she is not responding to you about babysitting, it means that she can't even deal with the question, let alone be able to cope with babysitting your child. Do you really want such a person babysitting your child. Someone who can NOT give you a direct answer?
She has personal issues that will get in the way of being able to properly look after your child, if she does babysit your child. I know it sounds like a great idea on paper or in your own head but the reality is that it is probably not the best situation for your own child.
Consider that is it worth paying $125 a month to keep your son safe in a good daycare.
