Get a job
By dorannmwin
@dorannmwin (36392)
United States
December 2, 2012 12:38am CST
As many of you know, I've given my best friend a roof over her head for quite some time now because she has been down on her luck and needed a place to stay. Well, I have no problem with her staying with us while she gets her life sorted out and I'm not asking her to contribute anything to our household. None of our bills have really changed by adding another person to our household and it wouldn't be fair in my opinion to ask her to pay any kind of rent while she is trying to get on her feet.
However, the thing that drives me nuts is that she will ask me to borrow money for minutes for her phone or so she and her boyfriend can go to the bar. I feel that where she has a roof over her head, free of charge, she should be working on getting a job as opposed to borrowing money.
I've taken to telling her that we really don't have any disposable income (because we honestly don't). Instead, I've offered to take her to look for a job and I also assured her that I would make sure that she was able to get to and from work every day. I'd even get a job with her if it would be something that I would be comfortable doing.
What would you do if you were in a situation similar to the one that we are in? Would you just give your friend the money, or would you help them to find a job so that they would be able to save money and really be able to get on their feet?
7 people like this
35 responses
@ShyBear88 (59347)
• Sterling, Virginia
2 Dec 12
I guess after last year with our cousin I would probably if I was in your shoes I would stop letting her borrow money and help her find a job so that she could pay for things herself and find a place of her owner to live at. She can still save while living with you but help out or at least pay for her half of the the things what ever way it would work out the best.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
That is what I'm trying to do. Now, it doesn't seem fair for me to ask her for rent of any kind because this is my house and she would only be throwing money out the window to pay us rent. However, I do think that once she does get a job, she should contribute a portion of the food to the household every month. It isn't a lot to do, but it would be a help to us while also giving her something to feel good about.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Dec 12
That would be something that would work. I know that when she does get her food stamp case active again that she would think of everyone when she is getting food and not just herself and even that would be a great help to us.
@ShyBear88 (59347)
• Sterling, Virginia
5 Dec 12
What my parents do with my brother and his wife is ask for $200 every other pay check from them to pay for food or to help pay the odd bills for that week. That is what they do.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
2 Dec 12
Hi Doran,
I hate to say it but I feel like your friend is taking advantage of you. I think you are doing far more than enough by giving her a home. Are you feeding her as well? You say your expenses haven't really changed but they have to somewhat I would think. Does she do laundry at your place? Does she shower there? If so, does she provide her own shampoo & conditioner,laundry supplies,toilet paper? These things do add up. Does she have any source of income at all?
I don't think you should lend her money and it is kind of you to offer to take her job hunting and provide the means to get back & forth to work. That is your time & gas $. If her boyfriend is able to take her to the bar then I would think it is only fair that he supply her with phone mins so they can talk.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
4 Dec 12
It sounds as if she has really bad taste in men. I know the detergent and all sounds so petty but it really does add up. Truthfully, she needs to get away from the loser guy and focus on getting her own life back on track. Unfortunatatly that is easier said than done. How old is this girl? She sounds so young.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
She's actually 30 years old. However, I do think that there are many ways in which she is immature now because of the fact that she was never really able to have a childhood when she was young.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
Well, her boyfriend is a jerk to be quite honest and both she and him know that he is not welcome in my home at all. There was a time that he was allowed to come here, but he made a real spectacle of himself one day and since then, he is not welcome to cross the thresh hold.
I guess when I said that our expenses haven't changed that much, I was talking about the actual utility bills and such, I didn't think as far as detergent, toilet paper, etc. She does bring in some food when her son's father actually does pay his child support, but those days are few and far between (he is actually about to be a felony offense for not paying child support).
@marriedman111399 (1207)
• United States
3 Dec 12
You are a good person for letting your friend live with you but I would not give her extra money for extra things that she needs. You are doing enough already. If you want you can help her find a job so that in the future she might be able to move out on her own and be self sufficient. I might give her a time limit to find another job or at least prove to you that she is trying to find a job.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I don't know about giving a time limit to find a job because I do realize that they are few and far between right now in our society. However, I do think that her proving that she really is looking is something that is very important to do.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
3 Dec 12
you did your part my friend, she is doing that then she needs someone to tell her that it is not right. she should instead look for a job and get on rather than putting you in this situation! 
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
She does need to find a job and I think that the avenue that she's been taking is not the right avenue. She's been putting in 10-15 online applications every day, but there haven't been any phone calls as a result of those. It is time to start driving and looking for help wanted signs.
@Bluebell18 (636)
• United States
2 Dec 12
Hey Doran,
In retrospect of your pal, she really needs to stop freeloading and look for a job. True, there aren't many pickings out here, but a snowball beats a no ball. I'm in a similar situation where I'm with my Mom and basically staying with her rent free. I'm in heavy mode of looking for a job right now...anything to help her out. I'd give your friend a time limit. Either look for a job right now, or move in with her boyfriend.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
The pickings definitely are slim and when you are putting in applications online, it seems like people don't ever give you call backs (have you noticed this?) She's finally just over the weekend gotten to the point where she said that she will start looking into waitressing again (something that she has done in the past but not something that she really wants to do now).
@Elenakat13 (425)
• United States
3 Dec 12
First of all it is my friend my friend would not ask me for money to go out with her boyfriend in a bar !
My friend knows like your friend that I don't have that much money
I would share everything with my friend she knows that until it comes to the point where I am feeling used!
When that happens I would sit down with her and tell her
My dear friend I am felling used by now!
Show me first some action here
I really don't think a friend even when it is the best friend could feel comfortable to stay at your place without paying anything I know I won't !
I would be so thankful that you gave me a place to stay I would find a job
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I wouldn't feel comfortable staying in someone else's place without paying rent either. In fact, before my husband and I bought our house almost five years ago, we were living with my mother and even then we were paying her a pretty sizable rent every single month.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I definately believe that anyone who can work should be working and finding their own way. I understand where some people can't...but if they are able they should even if it's flipping burgers at a fast food place. I do think it's also very good for the self esteem if someone works and has their own money. Its too easy to depend on others to take care of them.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
Though I'm not working outside the house at this point in time either, I do completely understand what you are saying about working being something that is good for the self-esteem. Just in the months since I've been trying to get serious about making money online, I've noticed that my own self-worth has skyrocketed.
I've tried to show her some different ways to at least make a little bit of money online, but as you and I know, making money online is something that takes a lot of time and dedication to be successful with.
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
2 Dec 12
You are doing the right thing by helping her get a job , that would be what I would do . It better for her to be independent and not sit around and going to bars , when she should be looking a job .
I think she should also see that you are doing the best thing for her by helping her to get a job so she can start saving and put her life in order .
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
You might laugh at me a little bit here, but I do have to say that I've even told her that she could look into going to bartending school since she enjoys the bar atmosphere a lot more than I do.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
2 Dec 12
I completely agree with you. If I was her I would HATE asking to borrow money for anything, I would rather provide my own way! Especially when she is spending YOUR money on going to a bar!! That is unfair to you...
I would help them find a job but I would not be able to support them like a child. It is different if they are really putting effort in toward trying to find work... But if their not, no I would not enable someone like that. Like I said, especially not for going to the bar!
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I think that it was the fact that it was the bar that really bothered me. I mean, I can see needing money for gas to go visit my family or something like that, but to need money to get drinks at the bar is crossing the line in my opinion.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
2 Dec 12
You obvious have done more than any other friend is doing
right now...I would not give her any money for fun things.
She shoud be so grateful to you that she would not even have
the nerve to ask for money for fun things...
How about that boyfriend of hers that she go to the bar with?
Are you SERIOUS???? its good to be a real friend but don't
be no fool.
And don't you feel obligated to get a job so she will have the
incentive to get a job...you have yourself together, she is the
one who needs a job..Let her know that you are her friend and
but she needs to do somethings to help herself...and a way of
getting started is to get a job and get in a position where
she can help herself..
GOD BLESS YOO...you are a good person but don't let people
use you...
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I'm actually not considering getting a job because of the fact that she needs a job, I'm considering finding a job just because of the fact that it is time for me to get a job. You see, hubby and I agreed that I would stay at home until my children were both in school and they are as of this year, so it's time for me to get a job so we can start building up some savings.
@beenice2 (2967)
• Sackville, New Brunswick
2 Dec 12
I would drive her to work to start with but when somebody take adventage of you like she starts doing I would see to find her another place to live in a long run,not because you don't like her it is because she is not doing the efforts to take care of herself, she abuse of the friendship hse has with you.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I don't really think that it will take her all that long to get a vehicle after she's gotten a job (that is what buy here, pay here lots are for). Then, after working steadily for a couple months, I don't see any reason at all that she wouldn't be able to get a house or an apartment to rent.
I'm not being irrational with this because I do know that you can't automatically fulfill your needs as soon as you get a job.
@olliekobra1 (1825)
•
2 Dec 12
This is a horrible situation to be in and it sounds like your friend is taking advantage of your good nature. I think you should tell your friend to get a job and maybe even leave your house because it isn't your job to provide for her. Helping out your friend is s good thing but she shouldnt be asking you for money to go to the bar or phone credit as you mention she has a boyfriend so the question is why can't she move in with him
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
The issue with the boyfriend is that he can't seem to provide for himself. He is in his thirties and is still living with his parents (in their basement, not paying rent). I will give him credit that he does work, but he doesn't seem to know how to budget his money at all. For example, he just got paid on Friday and this is Monday and he is already out of money until a week from this coming Friday. He has serious problems when it comes to budgeting.
@habibti320 (925)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I think you have helped her with the necessary expenses, and you shouldn't be asked for money to spend on frivolous purposes. Keep your boundaries. Encourage her to find ways to cut her expenses and make money. If you have a talk about finances and both of your boundaries, your relationship will be much better and you both will be better off.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I have definitely tried to help her with some ways to make a little bit of money without a job. For example, we've don collecting of aluminum cans to take to the scrap yard because that is a way to get a little bit of money when you are struggling and things like that, but you don't always have enough to equal anything.
@mhaiXCs10s (619)
• Philippines
2 Dec 12
If I were in your situation, I will not lend her money for those reason. Maybe for some important matters, I will help her but not for just dating and barhopping. I will help her to find a job for we are friends no matter what but she needs to give contributions in the household. You are just her friend, not her bank...
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
That is pretty much my feeling, if I were to go out, I might offer to buy a drink, but I don't really like it when I'm told that she is planning on going out and needs some money. Heck, I can go to a bar if I don't have any money to sing and just sip on a glass of water or soda all night long without spending more than a couple of dollars.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I would not hand her money like that. I might tell her that I would give her a job that needs done around the house, that isn't daily chores and pay her for doing the extra work. I would not just give handouts. I also would be offering to help her find a job. It sounds like she is taking advantage of you instead of trying to help herself out of her slump.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I wish that I could come up with other things that needed to be done around the house that weren't ordinary upkeep because I would be happy to pay her for those kinds of things. That is something that we've done in the past with getting our yard cleaned up (it's been overgrown since we bought the property), and I will give her a little bit when I have her baby sit for me, I've just not had any need for that recently.
Now, I know that she isn't scared of hard work, so if she is still here after we get our taxes back in January/February, I will offer to pay her to help us put laminate floor in throughout our downstairs (I need to get rid of the carpet and it is going to look so very nice).
@schulzie (4061)
• United States
2 Dec 12
You are a really good fried to open your home to your friend like that. I have been in quite a similar situation before where I was helping out a friend and she just ended up taking and taking and taking to the point where I was done. I did not like being taken advantage of anymore.
I would help her as much as you are comfortable doing, but I wouldn't give her money so she and her boyfriend can go to the bar! I think you are doing enough letting her stay there for free, and I am sure you are providing her with meals and free laundry, etc. At some point you need to nip this in the bud and set some limits or a time frame as to when she is expected to move out from your place, etc.
Good luck and hang in there.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
I would help her as much as you are comfortable doing, but I wouldn't give her money so she and her boyfriend can go to the bar! I think you are doing enough letting her stay there for free, and I am sure you are providing her with meals and free laundry, etc. At some point you need to nip this in the bud and set some limits or a time frame as to when she is expected to move out from your place, etc.
Good luck and hang in there.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
Well, the agreement is that when she does get a job that she will start to pay us back for money that she has borrowed from us. However, I don't know how long it is going to take her to get a job. You see, we went a couple weeks ago to a temporary service that was pretty much hiring anyone that had a pulse and she wasn't able to get a job because she has a misdemeanor on her record. So, we are kind of back to square one on where to look for a job.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
2 Dec 12
You have done more than enough already. Friends should know when it is time to leave and she is way overdue . How awful not to only NOT look for a job but to also ask you for money? Has she ever paid you back for these so called 'small amounts'? I hinestly think that she has milked you enough already and is definitely not a good friend. She must also be causing some kind of tension being so long in your family. You may not be aware of this until she as actually left.And it is time for her to leave. PLuck up the courage and say 'my friend - it is time for you to leave'as I need to live with my family alone and not share them with a best friend.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
4 Dec 12
You are a very good person and her husband must be so too. My husband would have wanted her out of our home after a month or so.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
Well, in all actuality, Tom was the first one that allowed a friend of ours that was down on their luck stay with us.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
Yes, she has paid me back for most of the small amounts that I have loaned to her, so I know that she is good for her word when it comes to a loan, however, I also think that she really needs to get her life in order so that she can start to be someone in her life. I know that she has great potential, but potential alone really isn't good for anything if you don't have any kind of drive.
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
24 Jan 13
When you did this, I think you've already done your part being a friend. Like you said/wrote, the purpose was to get her in, so that she wouldn't worry about these things while she helps herself stand up on her own two feet.
It sounds like she isn't really helping herself id she's only going to the bar. I hope she understood this when you told her.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
24 Jan 13
Well, it looked like she was trying to make some changes for herself for the better for a couple weeks. But honestly, she still hasn't gotten a job and she is still constantly trying to borrow money from us. However, as some of the people on here suggested, I've actually started telling her no because I don't think that she will ever do for herself if she doesn't realize that things just aren't handed to you on a silver platter.
@atv818 (1980)
• United Arab Emirates
2 Dec 12
Uh-oh! You're having a free rider there. You know the saying that instead of giving people fish, teach them how to catch one. Your friend may thought that she can have it easy since someone is backing her up.
A month ago, I came to Dubai to search for a job so I live with my sisters for free. Sure, they nag my ears off to keep on searching for jobs day-in and day-out but even without them telling me, I have my own initiative and I have a limited timeline that I should be really be working soon because the family expenses back home are pilling up everyday until I get to paid them.
I know you had lend your friend a helping hand but don't allow her to get your arm as well. Since you mentioned that she is your best friend, maybe you can get her to sit down with you and have a heart to heart talk about this situation. Of course, you can persuade her up to a certain extent but the rest (action) is really entirely up to her.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
I think that you are right. There was a time that I didn't think that she needed a job. Of course, that was while we were going through a lot with my husband going through cancer treatment and it was great to know that we had someone that could watch the kids while I went with him to his doctor's appointments. However, I don't have that need for a babysitter now, so I think that it is time for her to start looking for work and really trying to start taking the next step in her life.
@Mavic123456 (21893)
• Thailand
3 Dec 12
EWwww.. .such nerve. LOL . maybe she is enjoying so much of the Freebies you are giving her. A "friendly-user" one. I will talk to her, about this thing that bothers you. Anyway, who would want to keep a friend like her, such taking advantage of your generosity. that's not really fair. Or, when she asked money don't lend her and say that you don't have money, or the money that you have now is for the bills or food. Tell her, today we will find your job, because Job won't find you here. So better be ready. we will not go home until you find one. If she knows how to read between the line she will get the message that. "hey you need to find a job, as in now."
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 12
Oh, that would be so nice if I was able to say that today you are going to find a job and we won't go home until you have one. Unfortunately, I am tethered to my home in that I do have to be home before my children get home from school in the afternoons.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
You know, she actually went and applied for a bunch of jobs today instead of going to visit her brother as we had planned on doing today. I was up late because of my sinuses acting up and didn't feel like getting out of bed. When I woke up, she was gone and I had assumed that she went to her brother's, but when she came in she was telling me about all of the jobs that she had gone and applied for today that are close to the house.
@Mavic123456 (21893)
• Thailand
5 Dec 12
whaaaaat that is even more scary. It just mean that she has no intention to leave your house. Such a fortunate soul to get a friend like you. Just taking so much advantage from someone that's horrible. grrrrrr 
