An unexpected teaching moment

Tweet

Over the last 21 years my mother in law and I have had a more than a little stressful relationship. She has on several occasions in the past been verbally abusive (once even physically attacking me), has gone out of her way to try and split up my marriage and even has made attempts at taking custody of my children from me. The majority of these incidents have occurred during times when my family and I were down on our luck and HAD to stay with her. Included in her abusive behavior is the fact that when we stayed with her we were required to give her nearly every penny we made to cover the household bills (because there were more of us than her) as well as provide all of our own food,soap,ect. Mind you that we have always offered to cover the difference in the bills from what they were with out us to when we were there but that was not enough for her and she often expected us to cover all of the bills. I must state that this behavior was not reserved for us; any poor soul that has found themselves living with her whether under her roof or her staying with them has met the same fate. Because she is my husbands mother, and the last living grandparent my kids have,I have allowed her to stay in our lives now that we are standing on our own 2 feet again. When we don't live together her behavior retreats from abusive to mildly disrespectful. Making rude comments about how we raise our kids or run the house and trying to instigate fights between my husband and I or telling the kids that we are bad parents for one reason or another (a.k.a. "I would never ask you to wash dishes on a school night if I was raisin you"). Nothing we can't handle with a small amount of effort. Now here comes the teaching moment. The woman doesn't work and has been bouncing from family member to family member since her divorce 10 years ago.Burning bridges and becoming no longer welcome along the way.Her latest stop was living with her sister who passed away of a stroke 3 weeks ago. Well that left her homeless. Her youngest son had already thrown her out 6 months back, her middle son said he'd ask his landlord and them never called her back, so she had no where left to go other than my house. I wasn't too happy but put on a loving smile (after all her sister did just die in front of her) and picked her and all of her stuff up welcoming her to our home with out any time restraints. I didn't have any doubts in my mind as to how things had to go. We treat people with respect and try to help them get past their troubles and back on their feet. Apparently though the family has turned all eyes to me to see what would happen to her. I am known as the family pit bull and most folks work pretty hard to stay away from my temper with is set off when someone messes with my family. So when she was pretty much stuck here and completely at my mercy several people were looking for a "Diary of a med black woman" situation apparently. You know giving her a little of what she has given us in the past.While the thought had honestly never crossed my mind until it was brought up by a family member, I am now very aware that my actions while she is her are being watched closely by a lot of people especially my children who remember her past treatment of us. I now how an unique opportunity to show my kids, my mother in law and the others that are watching how family "should' treat each other and what true compassion should look and feel like. A lot of pressure I have to admit. Keeping my temper in check when she does her thing as I know she will while finding ways to set boundaries for her and still help her get her life together without allowing her to tear away at the lives of my family and I. If I do this right I can help my kids become the kind of people I feel this world needs and maybe even help she become a kinder more appreciative and maybe even more giving person. The kind of grandmother that doesn't need to come with a warning label and censorship. Maybe even the kind of mother in law that doesn't have my ready to scream or cry after nearly every meeting. Like I said ...a lot of pressure.