All I want is to feel secure!
By scorpiobabes
@scorpiobabes (7225)
United States
December 22, 2012 8:22pm CST
I'm so frustrated! My boyfriend Jim wants to marry me, but he has no idea what I need. I want to feel secure. Right now, I'm not working and we're living entirely on Jim's salary. While it's not much, we can make due. With some creative accounting in our budget, we are finally able to catch up on some major bills next month. And we're going to end the year in the black for a change.
In Jim's last relationship, his wife earned significantly more than him. So with all of that money flowing, and all of the credit cards, he grew used to that lifestyle. I've been single for a long time, which necessitated my being frugal. I've had credit cards, as well as my own house, but after being hospitalized in 2008, everything went away. And since then, I've struggled to pay my bills.
Right now, we're on track to finish out the year with cash in our bank account. Only one bill left-to pay our car insurance. Most months, we're playing catch up with it, and have gotten cancellation notices. But after some introspection, I've come to realize that much of my stress has been due to not being able to pay the bills! I just took a call from Jim-he forgot to buy slippers last night (which we could afford), but while in the shoe department, found boots that he says are comfortable. Those we CAN'T afford, and when I told him, he said, Oh, but the account says we have $200. I reminded him that we have one more bill left, but he pouted (yes, I could tell he was pouting).
All I want is to start paying bills on time! With a poor credit score, I'm actually denied from taking certain jobs. I don't want to continue to help someone else achieve the American Dream and rent forever. I'm not asking for diamonds, just security! Am I being greedy? Or just foolish?
3 people like this
12 responses
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
23 Dec 12
I think the right word for is is thinking practical. Life isn't always good. Even those rich people experience some downfalls in their lifetime. I guess, your boyfriend really needs to take it slow in spending on unnecessary stuff. Nothing wrong if we save a little.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
I know that the way to making things more affordable is to demonstrate that you pay your bills on time. Jim (my boyfriend) has such bad credit, we're paying 27% on our car loan-and he didn't even know it until I took a look at the paperwork! I've been trying to get it into his head that we pay for our four walls: 1) rent; 2) transportation; 3) utilities; and 4) food. Once those are paid, we can have extras. He smokes 2 packs a day-I finally convinced him to roll his own and we are saving more than $300. We combined our cell phones into one bill-that saved us about $50, but he upgraded to a new phone and now it's only about $10. I'm collecting recipes and we're no longer eating out-that saved us about $200 a month. And this month, we're on track to not have our checking account overdrawn-first time since the summer-and only the second time this year!
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
23 Dec 12
See what happens when a woman takes over the financed...a nip and tuck here and there and VOILA, things are looking better already! I'm so glad the new year is looking a bit better.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
23 Dec 12
You are being perfectly reasonable.
I feel the same way about renting. I don't want to finance someone else's trips to New York City, pay for their new cars, etc. I see the way that my landlords live, and it nauseates me to now that our money is going to prop up their lifestyle.
As soon as it is again possible, we will be buying some sort of place; my boyfriend is now crystal clear on that. I don't really care what sort of place. I have dreams, as I've said, of owning a tiny house, which is fairly inexpensive. Of course, that is still outside of our current budget.
Financial security is never too much to ask. It is unfortunate that your boyfriend is not on the same page as you about your finances.
1 person likes this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
23 Dec 12
That should be "know," not "now." *Sigh*
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
I knew what you meant.
My father raised me to believe that real estate was the best investment that I could ever make, and I truly believe that. Jim wasn't given the tools to take care of himself by his parents; that is why he's going through his third divorce and it seems that no one knows who actually owns his last home.
Jim is a veteran and he's never used his VA mortgage benefit, so that's what we'll probably use, once his finances start to get straightened out. Because of my MS, I just want a one story, or if that's not possible, a split level or just two stories. I can go up one flight of steps, but not two-my former home, as well as Jim's last one, had a basement with laundry and carrying it up two flights really took a lot out of me.
Jim is also frustrated, but he also didn't want his last home. He was also only there about five years; I had my own for 13 before I had to move, and once you've been once place for so long, you get attached. He isn't used to being the breadwinner; during his last relationship, his wife paid for nearly everything and Jim took it for granted.
Best of luck to getting your own place one day!
@GardenGerty (160879)
• United States
23 Dec 12
You are being real. I know the stress and it can kill you. I love my husband, but we have to live very close to the edge ourselves. I hope you get the security that you need to have.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
Thank you. Next month, Jim gets three paychecks, and we should be able to get caught up on the bills. But I'd really like to have a job to help start knocking down our smaller bills. Otherwise, I'll be forced to file for disability if I cannot find work, and that's not really a guarantee. I did sign with a new temp agency and took a test that helped me determine that I'm normal, but on the lower range of being corporate material. I guess that means I'm more flexible and willing to take risks. But they have additional certifications that I can earn, and those could help me get a decent job. The best part: THEY'RE FREE!!!
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
23 Dec 12
You know the answer to this, sweetie. He is being unreasonable, and you are the responsible one. He should be listening to you. You are correct to FIRST ensure that the bills are paid, then the rest of your money can be spent on things you 'want', if you so desire or put into savings for other important things. The stress and worry of not paying bills that are necessary for survival can be insurmountable. And your medical condition is affected by stress. If you weren't so stressed, you may actually get a bit better and be able to hold down a job and thus contribute MORE to the income of the household. So, him causing you stress = less income for the household.
Tell him with only one small income between you, he cannot be adding to your stress burdens by trying to DRAIN the bank account every chance he gets. At least he asked you instead of spending it outright and just telling you afterwards.
You are not greedy nor foolish. You are sensible! 
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
Stress is the absolute worst thing for me to have, and I can see that. We really only need internet (for me to job search with) and a simpler cable package, but because he wants one particular channel, we're paying more than twice what we should!
I've tried to speak with him at length, but he usually just shuts me out. It's taken two years to get to this point though. And he is considering applying for a new job with Costco once they open in 2014, instead of continuing with a company that will only give him a $.40 raise a year!
Thank you for reminding me that I'm sensible. I've been putting off a lot of things, like getting my teeth fixed (medical not cosmetic), or eating peanut butter sandwiches to save money, but it's beginning to take its toll on me physically.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
The stress is triggering my MS; it's causing not just physical problems, it's mental/emotional now too.
Today, our phones were cut off. The last I knew, the payment went through on the first (although I scheduled one for the first and a second on the third). AT&T claims they attempted it on the 4th and it was returned, so I'm going to go to the bank to find out why since there was money in the account. I'll also try going to AT&T to speak with them in person.
It really stinks because there was a break in at Jim's home on December 19th, and he just put in a claim with the homeowner's insurance yesterday. He's also got to deal with the police, and we're just starting the short sale process on his home, so this really came at a bad time.
Oh, and I had a job interview on the 2nd; they said I should know in about 2 weeks, which would be next week. So I MUST have the phones turned back on ASAP!
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
23 Dec 12
I think he should be like you and be frugal by dropping the one channel that is costing so much extra. That is what 'sensible' people do for the good of both of you.
You are the one that IS keeping the household running. Remind him that you would be able to input more, IF you weren't so stressed by some of his irresponsible actions.
@minotaur87 (769)
• Singapore
23 Dec 12
I think it's a reasonable request of yours to ask for such kind of security. After all, the expenses can increase after marriage. However, it may not work out in the long term if both of you are continuing to live entirely on Jim's salary and trying to be as frugal as possible. It's necessary to make plans to increase the income, either by you taking up a part-time/full-time/online job, or start some saving/investment plans. Just making your ends meet does not prepare you for the emergency, as in the case when you hospitalised. So you will often end up worrying about your life all the time.
1 person likes this
@Arieles (2473)
• United States
23 Dec 12
I know what its like to have the rug pulled out from under you and more than once, so I can relate. Yeah, life is full of ups and downs and often those "down" times last a little longer than what we would like. I don't think you're being foolish at all. I think you have a great desire to do well in your life, pay your bills and have a little money saved. That's the american dream, but not many achieve it. It's not that they can't achieve it, it just takes a lot of work and a lot of dedication and when you're limited with your finances you can only save so much. I think what you are asking for is very reasonable. We all want to live a life of love and security.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Oh, I know I can; it's my boyfriend that seems to have the problem. While he HAS gotten a lot better, he doesn't seem to remember that just because the ATM card has a Visa logo on it doesn't mean that it's a credit card!
@Cutie18f (9546)
• Philippines
23 Dec 12
You're just being wary of the future. I suggest that you relax a little bit and stop worrying about the future. Just enjoy every moment and find other ways of making money apart from employment, you can do a little business using your skills so you will also make money.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
24 Dec 12
I'm concerned because we've been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, to use an old saying, most months. Someone has to be concerned about bills getting paid on time-our car is from a Buy It Here, Pay It Here lot-if it's not paid on time, they shut the GPS down and we can't drive it. And to start a business would be nice, but I need seed money to get it started. Where a lot of things we had intended to sell was broken into; my boyfriend lost a lot of memories as well as collectibles. But I'm more inclined to start my own business.
@TheKingMan (292)
• India
23 Dec 12
You are absolutely not being greedy or foolish. It's good thinking of you to settle a secure life. We don't just need money to pay bills and cover our expenses but we do need some extra money just to make ourselves feel secure. I would suggest you to share your feelings more frankly with Jim. You should also try to help him find work which he is good at or what he enjoys so that he can start doing it and make decent money. You can advice him what someone has rightly said, "Find a job that you love and you'll never have to work again."
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
Actually Jim already has a job that he enjoys; I just don't think that he's paid commensurate to his experience. I'm the one that has been unable to find work, and that IS frustrating. I've been explaining my needs to him, but he isn't really in the current world. I guess it's because of where I've come from-a totally different mindset about everything that is making it so hard to get my point across. Well, today is another day-perhaps I can reach him if I try a different tactic.
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
23 Dec 12
How come Jim doesn't know what you need? Isn't it your job to tell him what you need? Write down what you need, how to get it (together) and discuss it with him plus ask him his opinion as well.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
Probably he doesn't know is related to why he's gone through THREE wives already-he doesn't know how to compromise. I'm not planning to marry him until he starts to come around-my job shouldn't be to go out and earn enough to allow him to come home AND take care of the household chores! I will admit, he's gotten better-as recently as six months ago, he'd not have even asked me-he'd have just gone and spent the money! I'm just frustrated at having to babysit a 48-year-old man!
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Both my parents worked full time, but they had a system. My mom took care of most of the household chores inside, while my dad handled pretty much everything outside.
Because of some of the falls I've had this past year, I'm afraid (naturally) to carry anything down the outside stairs unless I can hold onto the railing. Of course this causes a problem because Jim isn't always available to help me. So our laundry is sitting here in the living room, waiting to be loaded into the trunk since it appears that I'm doing the laundry alone AGAIN.
@caopaopao (12395)
• China
23 Dec 12
Seems you have a difficult life, well, I am not eager to have lots of money, but I think we need enough money to cover up, and also have cash surplus for the other things which we can't expect. If I were in your situation, I may feel stressed.
Try your best to get a job which can meet your life's needs, dear. We can't depend on anyone in ecomomy, we must be strong enough to depend ourselves, only in this way, we can have a secure life. Just my opinion, try to be happy, strong.
Hope you will have a solution soon!
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
23 Dec 12
I have been looking since the beginning of the year; at that time, I was employed for two different companies. The first company began cutting my hours, which is why I took a second job. Because I have multiple sclerosis, I just got so physically stressed doing the work at the first job, but didn't quit until I found another that could replace that income. I was there a week before they cut my hours too, so I tried to pick up more work at the second job. And when there was a general misunderstanding and I lost half of the hours I was scheduled to work in one week, I left that job because of such instability. I still have the second job, but they haven't had work for me since August. I have been looking every day since early July because I would prefer to work full time-working in the field I'm currently in is very unsteady nor do I get paid well. I know what I'm worth, but it seems that I've just not found the right company yet. And once I do, I intend to pay back all of my overdue bills. I'm not out to make money than I know what to do with; I just want to make enough money to contribute to the household, pay my bills and once in a while, have a little fun.
I AM strong enough to depend on myself; I've just hit a bump in the road in trying to be employed. But until I am, I should be able to not be so stressed that even if I do get an interview I won't scare off a potential employer.
1 person likes this
@vernaC (1491)
• Romania
23 Dec 12
Life is getting harder each year. I used to think before that I'm not gonna marry because of this. I came from poor family and don't want to suffer the same thing again and again. Then I got a job and worked hard for my family and I was very satisfied with it. Then I met my husband, he's not rich but I really love him, so I quit my job and move to his place. We're not financially great but we're able to cope up by budgeting and we're really good in it.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Good for you! I've struggled my entire adult life, well, since I married and moved out. The last four or five years have been horrible, especially the last three. Things were starting to look up until this morning, but we will get back on our feet. I'm pretty good at budgeting-I've had lots of practice. My boyfriend never had to worry about money-he always had someone to bail him out if things got bad; I haven't since 2001.
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
23 Dec 12
If you want financial security, then - plain and simple - you need to have the person who is in your life be financially secure. Or, at least, financially responsible. It is not foolish to want financial security, it is called being responsible. Perhaps both you and your boyfriend need to talk to a financial advisor or financial counselor and get some sound financial guidance.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
The subject has come up; I wanted to see a financial planner in 2011, while we were both working. Perhaps we'll consider going again to one again later this year; we've got a lot of other obligations going on. Thanks for the suggestion.
